


Nightfall

by HarrySavesMe



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Crossover, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 18:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 106,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20363077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarrySavesMe/pseuds/HarrySavesMe
Summary: Six years after the events of Breaking Dawn, Jacob, Renesmee, Bella, and Edward decide to attend Dartmouth College..together! Meanwhile Simon and Bram are also new to Dartmouth, glad to be free, and especially relieved to be together. But paths cross, and with dawning horror, they learn their world isn't as safe or normal as they thought it was.





	1. Changes

_ Chapter 1- Changes - Jacob _

Warm chocolate shimmering eyes met mine and I felt perceptibly warmer; like that was possible. The crashing waves and lazy cries of evening gulls provided a nice background white noise to this moment. 

“What did you say?” I asked because I missed what she said, lost in what may very well be the last perfect summer day left at La Push. 

“I said I hate talking so much,” said the center of my existence. 

“Well, it’s good practice. For where we’re going…” I trailed off. I tried to avoid talking about the move. I wasn’t looking forward to this change and I knew I couldn't keep that emotion off my face. I didn’t want to ruin this for her. 

“Do you think it’s weird that I want to go with mom and dad?” she forced herself to speak instead of showing me. I knew she was feeling self-conscious about how much she didn’t like being separated from her parents. But after everything when she was a kid, it made perfect sense. I smiled an effortless warm smile. 

“Are you kidding, I want to go with them too. I don’t like being separated either.” And the thing is, it wasn’t really a lie. I never imagined my family would be this way. But now that I was here, it made perfect sense. 

I felt my phone buzz and knew what it said without checking. Things were really tricky, when all your closest friends and family were supernatural, including you yourself. So how did normal family conventions fit in? How did you tell your 17-year-old, but really, 7-year-old daughter to come home because it was getting too late? Oh, I know! Text her 23-year-old, but really, almost 30-year-old boyfriend. I always knew it was going to get complicated with our frozen aging, and here I was living it. At some point, age becomes entirely pointless, and we were getting close. I have the body of a full-grown adult even though I just _technically_ left my teenage years behind. She has the mind and body of a 17-year-old girl even though she’s only been alive _technically_ for 7 years. Yeah, we’re weird alright. 

“I don’t know why he does that,” Ness said. “It’s like, because I’m me they can’t talk to me about something as simple as a curfew. Like I’ll be offended.” The skin between her eyebrows crinkles in that adorable way her mother’s used to when she was human. 

“It’s because they don’t want to smother you, after everything. It’s almost like you’re a mini adult,” I said kissing her hair. “Plus, he enjoys irritating me too much,” which was also entirely true. It was the most he could do now that we all had an eternity to be with each other. It wasn’t like he could order me away; nothing could keep us apart, now that time would stretch out forever. 

“I don’t think so,” she said, shaking her head. I smiled and let her think she was right. No point. She could never understand what it was like 6 years ago when we had to figure this mess out. And what a mess it was. I was like a bad penny Edward just couldn’t shake. He’d have to settle with tolerating me. Forever. I smiled widely. 

“Ok well, let’s get going.” I said getting to my feet in one easy motion. She rose just as gracefully. “You wanna race back?” I asked trying to cheer her up. What a silly thought. She half smiled. 

“No, I think I’ll ride. I’ve learned my lesson.” Then she leaned in to kiss me and the entire world seemed to have slowed down to a stop. She pulled away quickly. It was only meant to be a short kiss. We talked about this before. I couldn’t get worked up over every kiss. Even though in reality, every kiss made me feel the deepest ache for her, a powerful loving need that no one but an imprinted werewolf could understand. I shook my head a little to clear it, then stepped behind a tree to de-clothe. I tied my shorts to my ankle and then sank down, effortlessly letting the heat transform me into a russet brown wolf. I shook out my fur and stepped out to rejoin her, this time on all four paws. 

She reached out to run her fingers through my fur. No matter how many times I phased around her, she always liked to do that. I licked her face and she recoiled. Then I barked a laugh and started running. An instant later Ness landed between my shoulder blades. A perfectly timed leap. Just a regular old night. Only a lot more talking, it was slightly odd. But I think I liked it. 

As we ran like a shadow through the trees, she continued the conversation but switching to easy yes or no questions. She also used her gift again, and was profoundly relieved to do so. 

_Are you worried about leaving your pack behind_? she asked wordlessly. I didn’t respond at all because the answer was no and it was true. Seth was at college and Leah moved away a long time ago. We still spoke in wolf form every now and then, but it was becoming less frequent. Quill was spending all his free time with Claire, now 9, and almost out of elementary school. I felt bad for him. Middle school was on the horizon and everyone knew it was a tricky time. Embry still hadn’t imprinted himself but he did have a girlfriend. They wouldn’t miss me. And it wasn’t like La Push would be in danger. Sam’s pack was here too. 

_You know Sam’s busy with the baby_, she thought, her mind wandering to Sam as well. _Doesn’t that make you alpha-in-charge?_ It was true that Sam was busy as a new father, but there were more than enough able-bodied qualified wolves to protect La Push. So, I shrugged. I knew she was only asking me these things because she felt guilty. She knew that whatever she decided I would need to go along with. Because I couldn’t bear to be away from her for more than a few days at a time. I understood her guilt, and nothing I could say would stop her worrying. It was just part of her. Something definitely _inherited_. 

_I have to admit I am excited we’re going. I’m excited about being in a new place for a change._ Now it was my turn to feel guilty. Nothing was keeping her here. She could go anywhere she wanted at any time. Not even the sun could hold her back. But she knew I felt obligated to live with my pack. It was the job I’d been born to do. So, she stayed to be with me._ I’m sorry I didn’t mean it that way. _She said after a beat of silence on her part. I shrugged again. It was true. I was holding her back. So, I was glad I agreed to go. It wasn’t for forever. We could always come back. We were kind of silly, really. One big happy family going off to college. If we were normal, it would be seriously weird. And I technically wasn’t going to college yet. I was along for the ride, but didn’t know what I’d do yet. Money certainly wasn’t a problem anymore. 

_I’m excited that you’ll have the chance to figure out what you want to do_. She thought, and it was 100% sincere. I could taste it through the thought. She wouldn’t have minded if I never wanted to go to school or get a job. If I wanted to be a La Push bum, guarding the tribe and hanging with the pack. And I’d essentially done that for 6 years. But it was true that even though I had my family and the love of my life, something else was missing. I have a purpose; pack alpha and defender of the Quileutes, but I don’t have a hobby. She pointed this out to me one lazy night back at Billy’s, watching TV on the couch. And she’d made it clear that being in love with her couldn’t count. And the thought stuck with me for a while. I like fixing cars, but I didn't have to be a greasy mechanic when there wasn’t a great need to be. When your family had crazy deep pockets, things changed. 

So, I thought about it, and realized I just needed to try new things. It was the only way to learn what I like. I twitched my ear to signal a _yes_ back to her. We were almost there. I could hear the river and the sickly-sweet vampire scent was growing stronger in the air. I slowed as I saw the lights of the cottage.

_Love you, Jake_. She thought and it was the sweetest most genuine thought. She kissed my head and jumped off. I poked her on the back with my nose. She tangled her fingers in my fur again for the briefest moment and then went inside. We didn’t need to discuss tomorrow’s plans. We already knew. I heard footsteps walking toward me and Edward came out of the house. 

“Hey,” he said. 

_Hey_, I thought. _You’re going to have to talk to her. She’s figured out that you text me to end our dates. She doesn’t understand why you guys won't give her a curfew. _He raised an eyebrow at me. _Hey, I didn’t tell her! I didn’t even check my phone. She just figured it out when the phone buzzed. _

“It’s strange for me, this new concept of you dating her. And I’m trying to navigate everything I’m supposed to do as her father,” he said looking frustrated, but more at himself than me. 

_You knew it was coming. _I thought before I could control myself. That’s what I sometimes enjoyed about these conversations. These were thoughts, so it wasn’t like I could be blamed for having them. 

“Yes, you can,” he said but smiled anyway. 

_Yeah, I still hate this_. I thought, irritated about the mindreading, all these years later. He changed the subject. 

“I caught the end of your conversation. It sounds like you’re on board with the move,” he said.

_Well, I’m getting there. I want her to be happy. _

“That’s all you ever want which, trust me, I like as her father. But I just wanted to talk to you to make sure this is really alright with you. If it isn’t, Bella and I can figure something else out.” 

_Oh man, this makes it even worse. Everyone’s going change course for me? I don’t think so. Change is good even it isn’t immediately welcome._ I thought, hoping I believed it was true. _Do you still want to go? _I asked him, suddenly wondering if he was just going along with it for them.

“Certainly. Bella and I discussed it before the wedding. I think it’s good for her. Moving on with life and doing something new. We waited and waited for retaliation. But you can only do so much of that. I think it’s become an unhealthy mindset, waiting for attack.” I nodded because I also felt it. The first month after the Volturi left I had to sleep at th_e _Cullen’s every night, because I was terrified it wasn’t really over. Rosalie particularly loved it. 

_You think you guys will get too cool for me eventually? All of you wearing your matching Dartmouth gear?_ I tried not to think sourly, but somehow, it’s all I manage. 

“Jake, you can go too if you want.” 

_You guys give me enough cash as it is_, I think. But I really don’t want to go to that college. It’s too high for me, no matter how many vampire tutors I may have. Edward heard all of this, which saved time. I hated repeating myself. 

“You’ll find something in New Hampshire to do. You and Nessie will have a lot more freedom than we will.” It’s true. We weren't limited by daylight. “I’m not worried. Like my daughter said, I’m interested in what you want to do.” 

_You’re always fishing around up there and know all my thoughts; what do you think my brain wants to do? _I think, and I’m surprised by how much worry is attached to it. 

“Don’t you know your own mind?” He asks with a laugh. I turn back toward the woods. 

_Nope._ I think as I start to cut back through the trees, running home to La Push. But I don’t get far. 

“Jake?” I hear and then there’s dull thud as she lands close to me on the damp forest floor. This is someone I actually have to speak with to communicate. As much as I appreciate this, it also means I need to phase. I coughed a bark and she knew I wanted her to wait. Five minutes later I’m wearing my ratty shorts again as I walk out to meet her. 

“Hey Bells, what’s up?” The moonlight falls on Bella’s face, making her golden eyes eerily glow and her paper-white face shine. 

“I heard you talking with Edward,” she says strolling next to me, heading toward La Push. She’s considerate. She knows I want to go home, so we keep moving. Just at a much slower rate. 

“Yeah, lots of secret stuff,” I say, deadpan. She ignores it, because after all this time, she’s more than used to it. 

“We’re going to look at the house this weekend, move our things over,” she said, with her ringing musical voice. It was getting harder to remember how she used to sound. 

“Huh, when I think about you guys, I don’t imagine you packing or moving around boxes. Won’t you just get new stuff?” After I’ve said it, I realize it’s a bit fresh but she seems to be thoughtful about the comment. 

“That’s true. I’m thinking about certain books of mine. Renesmee’s stuff, so I guess not so much.” There’s a beat of silence. “You don’t have much stuff either do you Jake?” And the truth of it is no, I don’t. I think it’s left over from when I lived wolf without anything possessions for so long. I liked the freedom of it. 

“We certainly don’t have to worry about clothes,” she added lightly. I laugh; there was no truer thing spoken. I was certainly her toughest nut to crack. For a few years, I downright refused to let Alice choose anything for me to wear. Some sort of silly werewolf ego thing, or maybe just me being an ass, but eventually I had let her choose clothes for me, mainly because Ness was in on it. I had to admit she gave it real thought. She picked athletic light clothes for me that looked better than the ratty T’s and sweatpants I wore, but weren’t too fancy either.

Some of the fabric was so stretchy I could just tie a knot with the clothes themselves to my leg if I needed to phase on the fly. And I knew I would want to bring some of it with me, but knowing her, it was already over there. 

“Are you guys sure about me living in the house?” I asked, pleased that for the moment, my thoughts were my own. It was, supposedly, a huge house with plenty of bedrooms. And If I lived there, I’d also be with Ness, but I doubted they would let me sleep in her bedroom with her right down the hall. I wondered if that’s why they asked me to live with them, so they could police us. But I could be wrong. 

“I know you’ll want your own space eventually. And it’s ok if you want to get your own house or apartment when we get there. I just…” she trailed off and I imagined the things she would say. “I’m not ready to have Renesmee gone all the time with you at your place,” she said, predictably Bella. 

“Well, she’s old enough to go to college Bells, I feel like that’s when you get freedom,” I said, keeping my voice level. 

“She is but she isn’t. She’s 7,” she said to me for what felt like the 100th time. But she was wrong. Developmentally she was 17, one year later than when I stopped aging. 

“But she’s not Bella, and you know that. If you want me to stay in the house and be good I will, but I know her and she’s going to get frustrated.” There’re a few moments of silence as trees pass by, moonlight peeking through every few steps. 

“If you’re worried about...well, you know, stuff, you don’t need to be,” I said feeling suddenly very awkward and glad that we’re both facing forward. 

“I’m actually not really. I’m just sad she won’t be around me as much. Other parents have 17 years to make peace with that idea,” she said wistfully. 

“She’s decided to go to college when you are and where you are, it’s clear she still wants to be around you.” I supply. “I’m not going to take her away from you. I’d just like to be able to be alone with her from time to time where our thoughts belong to ourselves.” I said. She sighed. 

“Yeah, I do admit I enjoy that. Too bad I couldn’t have passed that gene on to her. Ok Jake. We’ll get another place,” she said turning to look at me. 

“You don’t need to yet,” I said. “Give it some time. I know she wants to live in the house for a while.” And it’s true. 

“Thanks Jake,” she said before flitting back through the trees, ending the conversation for now. Back in wolf form, I pondered my fast approaching future. Quill’s consciousness popped into my head and he was silent for a moment, curious about the direction of my thoughts. 

_You know what they say about eavesdroppers. _I thought dryly. 

_So, you’re living with vampires now? _He asked but his tone was light, teasing. 

_Yeah, I'll lose my sense of smell in a week. _I said. But he always knew this was the path for me, until Nessie and I got our own place. _You just drop off Claire? _I thought conversationally. 

_Yeah. _He sighed heavily. He had been very wistful lately, sad that Claire was almost a teenager. Only about 3-4 years out. 

_Think of it like this. _I ventured. _You went through your wolf changes in like, two days, right? She just needs to change into her adult self, and it's also pretty unpleasant. _He caught on. 

_It's just going to take her years to get there. _He thought quietly. 

_Yeah. Hormones. Something more shocking than any wolf gene. _

_You're telling me_ he thought, worried about the future. There were flashes of his thoughts and it was my turn to pry a little. He kept imagining groups of teenage boys. 

_She’ll never replace you bro,_ I thought. _It's a phase. You're the one for her. She's just too young to realize. _

_She knows I'm a werewolf. And not aging. And I love her. _He thought, thoughts brimming with emotion. 

_She may know that but she doesn't get it yet. Her brain's not there yet. She'll know when she's 18. Have faith. _I said, and he knew my advice was fair. I was in the same boat. But it was easier for me. Renesmee was supernatural as well. We share our secrets together. Bond over them. She's also not in school either. 

The Cullens ended up holding a mock graduation for her and I. We both took the GED after many years with vampire teachers. Carlisle taught me after I lost my temper with Edward, always telling me I was wrong before I even gave an answer; stupid bloodsucker. Sometimes Ness would join me in Carlisle's “class.” It was a process we did together so that I would get my shit together. I never did go back to school. Of course, she passed her GED test with a perfect score. Miraculously, I managed to pass too.

Emmett was the commencement speaker, which was ridiculous. Alice designed golden over-the-top graduation robes that she and Ness wrestled me into. For a small vampire, she was fairly strong. Carlisle handed us our diplomas, which Edward made. They looked legit, similar to the IDs he also forged from time to time. In addition to my diploma, I received a second diploma in recognition of dumbassery. Rosalie's work. I remembered how Ness’s bell-like laughter echoed off the trees. The best part was our graduation gifts; although mine was too fancy to drive on the reservation. 

I ended up being the one to teach Ness how to drive. So far, it was my favorite thing we’d ever done together. Recently, we’d been riding our motorcycles on the reservation, to Edward’s dismay. Occasionally Bella would join us, she still enjoyed it. Although we were careful never to ride them when Charlie was visiting. It was incredible how much Charlie had managed to take in stride these past 6 years. Once he realized how fast Ness was growing, he must have figured she’d be a teenager in no time. 

One afternoon Ness and I were chilling with Charlie, watching a game and he’d turned to me when Renesmee had left the room and said, “She’s why Bella almost died isn’t she? It’s because she was pregnant?” I blinked and stared at him saying nothing, stunned. He knew I wouldn’t confirm or deny anything, but he nodded to himself and continued watching TV. Explaining my relationship with her eventually was the hardest part for him to comprehend. I mean, at one point I did love his daughter, her mother. Even I recognized how the whole thing seemed pretty messed up. I eventually ended up using a werewolf example to help me.

“Have you ever met Emily, Sam’s finance?” I asked him the day after the topic had come up. He paused in thought over the lasagna Bella had baked for us. 

“Yeah, Sam’s very close to her,” he said, which was quite an understatement. 

“Sometimes my kind gets that way, it’s sort of part of the package.” I said evasively. There were several moments of chewing and I could almost hear Charlie’s gears turning as he thought about what my words could mean. 

“Ahh...” he said when Renesmee came into the room with a martyred expression. She didn’t really enjoy eating human food. I looked up to see her and smiled, and there must have been enough evidence on my face for him to get the picture. We finished eating and I helped Charlie do the dishes. He laughed suddenly, his face turning almost red. 

“What?” I said, bemused. 

“I’m just thinking. About Bells. She must have loved that,” he choked. I had to hand it to him, he knew his daughter. To this day, he still hadn’t learned what she really was though. Which was good; it was best for him to never know. 

Quill’s impatience for my drifting thoughts caught up to me. _I said when are you leaving?_ He repeated. I must not have heard it. 

_I think next week_. I thought, surprised by the proximity. Quill felt disappointed. He wasn’t eager for me to go. _Hey, I’ll still visit. And it’s not permanent._

_I guess we still grow up, even if we aren’t aging._ He thought wisely. We met up in the woods. He had been running from the East.

_Yeah_, I thought as we raced through the trees, eventually parting ways to go to our houses. _I guess so_


	2. Together

Chapter 2- Together- _Simon_

They never tell you how exhausting graduating can be. The wait to get the diploma takes hours. During which you struggle to stay awake, let alone pay attention. Mom, Dad, Nora, and Alice’s enthusiasm was also wearing. And my cheeks hurt from what felt like 100 smiling pictures and I didn’t even have my diploma yet. Leah’s enthusiasm was there but like mine, it was slightly under the surface. Abby and Nick were over the top, running up to classmates and screaming, throwing their caps in the air. It was really fun to watch, but my god was this shit emotionally taxing. The concept of high school being over was still way too huge for me to process. I was so grateful and relieved that I had my boyfriend to text during the ceremony. I had to be careful about it, because I knew my family’s eyes were glued to me, and they would find this to be in poor taste. 

_Almost there, I think.._.he sends me. 

_Yeah, we’ve only got 4 more years to go. The first 4 were just a warm up. _I’m pleased we’re both smart enough to have our phones set to silent, you could hear a cell phone vibrate in this auditorium right now. Bram doesn’t turn around even though I know he wants too. Because his last name is Greenfield, he’s several rows in front of me. I’m near the back, in the same row as Abby. She keeps shooting me a grin from the end of our row. I grin back but even I have to admit I’m getting over the excitement of graduating. As exciting as today was, I would be truly relieved when it was finally over. 

_So, you excited for your graduation party? _He sends me. 

_What do you think? _I send back. It’s not like I’m ungrateful. I appreciate how excited and invested in me my parents are. And I love having Alice home for the weekend. But I wish they could let some things go. They make a big deal out of everything. Especially things normal people made a big deal out of as well. I wish they could be more like Bram and Leah’s parents. Calm and perfectly willing to celebrate quietly.

I knew I’d have fun but I also really wished it wasn’t tomorrow. I needed a breather, to let my mind catch up with how fast life seemed to be racing. At least Bram helped slow things down. He kept me grounded. Bram was so well adjusted. He’d made peace with graduation ages ago. For him, he was just going through the motions. His mind was occupied with the next step, something mine was desperately avoiding. I appreciated his patience with me though. My emotional take on the experience seemed perfectly normal to him even though he wasn’t exactly in the same boat. 

_It won’t be much longer. Then we’ll get some alone time. _He texts me in that instant. He had a knack for saying exactly what I wanted to hear in the moment I needed to hear it_. _I sigh and feel some of the pressure between my shoulder blades lessen. It really was all I asked for of life. To just get a little more alone time with Bram. There never seemed to be enough. Senior year was crazy busy, and it didn’t help that we both had jobs. I also just had the senior play wrap up and Bram and Garrett were co-captains of the soccer team this year. Busy busy busy. But being busy was okay sometimes. It helped the week flyby. And reuniting was always sweeter after time apart. 

But my mind was starting to open itself up to worrying beyond the daily grind of high school, especially now that it was finally over; what a concept. No, my mind was basically in a panic. I was undecided about college. It’s one of those things everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who’s going to college has selected by April at the latest. And I had acceptances. But every morning at the breakfast table when mom and dad grilled me about making a decision, I had no answer. It was because in my heart there was no answer. There wasn’t anywhere I wanted to go. It was so pitiful how true it was. 

“So then go to Georgia,” my mom had told me, fed up after one feisty college conversation two weeks ago. And I probably would end up there is what my subconscious had pretty much worked out. Leah and Abby were going, and so it made sense on a social level. Certainly, a financial level; even though my parents assured me that I could go anywhere I wanted and they would make it happen. But none of the colleges stood out for me. And it wasn’t like I didn’t know why. I knew exactly why and there wasn’t anything I could do about it even though I knew it about myself. It was because of Bram. 

The principal started speaking and I realized how close to actually starting this goddamn graduation was. But I feel the familiar prick of anxiety as I think about colleges and Bram. It stuck with me; I couldn’t push it aside. I look down and see another text but this time from Abby. 

_Si, you look down? What’s wrong? _I look over at her and shake my head. She just frowns in concern at me. I wasn’t going to text back. Just like how I wasn’t talking to anyone about it either. It was wrong and unhealthy. But I wasn’t handling the stress well. The first line of students stands up and turns to exit the aisle to get diplomas. I blink, trying to get myself back in the present. Then I notice that Bram had turned around to look at me and he wasn’t smiling. At that moment I realize Abby must have texted him to alert him to my distress. I groan internally. I try to smile at him but somehow it feels brittle. He somewhat knew I was concerned about college, but he had no idea the real level of panic that existed within me. My phone buzzes. 

_It’s going to be fine babe. Try and cheer up, I have a graduation gift for you. _Bram sends me. The corner of my mouth turns up. And just like that, it was like I had been tossed a lifejacket at this moment. 

_I thought we agreed no presents._ I send back, already feeling the weight lifting from my shoulders. No need to panic tonight. There was still time to decide. To talk. To research. To make a choice. It was going to be fine, as my boyfriend pointed out. 

_This one was non-optional. It had to be arranged. _Huh, that was odd even for Bram. But knowing him, he would withhold further details so I put my phone away and turn to find my parents in the crowd. They certainly didn’t miss Bram and I locking eyes which meant they didn’t miss the texting either. Sure, enough mom was shaking her head at me. I make an apologetic expression and then turn back to face the front of the graduation where kids are getting diplomas and families are cheering and taking frantic photos. 

After a few rows Bram’s row stands up, and he turns back to look at me again, grinning in excitement. I feel my cold heart restart and I smile back, genuine this time. Bram’s happiness easily influences mine. I stand and cheer when he gets his diploma. He smiles and poses for the crazy photo takers and then descends gracefully from the stage. Sometimes it was hard to believe he really was my boyfriend. He looks so attractive in the graduation gear, a tie peeking out from underneath. It makes my heart flutter. Bram was the only thing I was sure about in my life. And with this thought, the anxiety creeps back. He was looking at me when this thought crosses my mind and I think he catches my change in expression because he stops walking and the graduate behind him almost walks into him. Quickly he apologizes, looking embarrassed, then makes his way back to his seat. I know he is going to send another text. I probably only had time for one more before it was my turn to go up. I wait 10 seconds and then check. I was right. 

_Simon. Trust me when I say It’s going to be fine. I’ve seen to it. _And the text really puzzles me and I don’t have time to text back. My row is standing up. I slip my phone away, and I hitch a convincing excited smile on my face for my family and for Bram. Really, I’m still wondering what Bram has seen to. I haven’t talked to him about this really. He knows I haven’t made a college choice but hasn’t pressed me on it, especially when he knows it’s all my parents are doing now a days. How can he have fixed this problem? But I make eye contact with him again as I shuffle up to the stage, and I can tell something is going on. He’s got a Mona Lisa smile on. He knows something I don’t. Something that’s making him really confident and really happy. And so, I feel myself start to really smile right when my name is called. As if in a trance I walk up to receive my diploma and, in that moment, I feel renewed hope for my future. I hear my parents and friends screaming for me when I turn and smile. I can’t believe high school is over. 

About 1000 photos later, I’m finally in my bedroom, digesting the celebratory dinner out with my parents and sisters. I change out of my dress up shirt and pants and put on jeans and my Elliott Smith T shirt. I open the cd drive of my laptop and remove a CD I burned for Bram as my graduation present. Even I broke the rules we both set. I spent the past few days mixing it and I wrote details about each song, explaining what each one meant to me and how it reminded me of Bram. I hoped he would like it. I put the cd in a plain case with the descriptions folded up and tucked inside. Bram was due to arrive any minute. Mom and dad were being strangely cool about Bram visiting. Maybe because they knew I was getting older, who knows. But Bram was allowed to come over until 11 whenever it wasn’t a school night. And now, school nights were over. He could even be in my room with me, but he was never permitted to spend the whole night. 

I tidy my room somewhat to try to siphon off excess energy and steady my racing heart, but when that doesn't work, I spent a few minutes looking at Leah’s Instagram to calm myself. It worked most of the time. There was a knock on my door. Quiet and polite. Only my boyfriend. 

“Hey,” I call and Bram walks in. He also was wearing casual clothes and has his laptop bag with him. 

“Hey,” he says and sets down his bag on the floor and appraises me. I realize I'm sitting on my bed, my arms wrapped around my legs. Not the picture of someone delighted to be graduated from high school. “How are you?” it was a loaded question. He doesn’t ask it with a normal tone. 

“I’m hanging in there…” I say and then for some unknown insane reason, my throat gets hot and tight. I cough, uncomfortable. Bram sits down next to me looking concerned. My boyfriend was so emotionally stable. It was an incredible comfort but at the same time, sometimes it was difficult for him to comprehend my shifts in mood. Sometimes he needed to pry the answer out of me, when I just couldn’t explain a feeling well. He didn't enjoy it. It was easier for Leah. She could usually guess pretty quick. She read my expressions like a book. I didn’t want this to dissolve into me worrying aloud instead of just in my head so I try to push the conversation forward. “So how were your parents at the restaurant?” I ask. Bram looks into my eyes and I knew my question had just stopped him from saying something else. 

“Oh. well, yeah it was a bit awkward. It helped that Caleb screamed through dessert. Really sped up the process.” He smiles slightly. Bram’s younger brother Caleb was almost 2. His parents were divorced but his dad had another son 17 years later. It was easier making small talk about graduation. And so, Bram lets me. We chat about our families and the graduation party. I realize about 15 minutes into this that Bram is just waiting me out. And eventually Bram cuts back to what he was going to ask. 

“Will you tell me what’s going on with you?” he asks lying next to me in my bed, his head propped up on one elbow. 

“And don’t tell me nothing because I saw you today, something’s wrong.” His gaze pierces me, brown eyes concerned and fierce in the same moment. It was like he was looking into my soul; it was difficult to look away. I manage to. 

“I…” I start, not knowing how to begin. 

“You’re worried about college.” He says shortly, slightly impatient which was out of character for him. 

“Well, yes…” I say feeling my throat get hot again, and not knowing what to do about it. 

“Because you can’t choose any, because none of them inspire you…” he whispers, his voice sounding a lot softer. More patient. 

“Yes.” I say and it doesn't feel like enough of an answer. I sit up and Bram copies me, out knees touching sitting Indian style on my bed. “I can’t choose to be away from you,” I finally confess and it feels gut wrenching to finally admit this weakness. “I want to have a life of my own. I do. I do have my own life and my own interests. But…” and I think my voice is breaking up. Bram looks sobered and I hear myself going to pieces. “...you are what inspires me. You’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted badly. And I don’t care where I go or what I do...it doesn’t matter because it’s not where you are. And I wish I wasn’t such a sap or so cliché. I don’t want to be this way but I am. I’m sorry.” I say and my eyes feel watery. My throat is dry. 

Bram silently takes my hand and threads his fingers through mine. He waits a moment, and I realize he’s pausing to let me find composure. I grip his hand and manage to get my breathing back to relatively normal. “I don’t want you to change your plans for me Bram.” I tell him when my voice is steadier. He shakes his head. 

“I know that Si. I understand. I don’t want you to be sorry. I’ve been sad about this too. I don’t want us to be apart. I want to stay together.” He says and leans in to kiss my forehead. “Why didn’t you say anything to me. I figured it out anyway, but why keep this from me?” he asks in a reasonably concerned tone. 

“I was ashamed that I couldn’t be more like you. Put together with a plan and goals and early acceptance...everything...And I didn’t want you to somehow change your college plans because of me either…” I say lamely, one tear escaping out of the corner of my eye. Bram hugs me and I bury my face in his chest, soaking in his warmth. I feel calmer in his arms. Safer. He pulls away and kisses me softly, and I feel the emotions of today in the kiss. I kiss him, desperately and we end up horizontal on my bed. Bram pulls away and rests his forehead on mine. 

“If you could have anything for graduation, what would it be?” he whispers to me, eyes still shut. I close my eyes and sigh. 

“For us to stay together, even though it sounds totally immature and teenager-y of me to say.” I moan. “But yeah, if I have to go off to stressful college, I don’t want it to be without you.” And then Bram pulls away from me, and I blink and sit up, surprised. Bram has moved over to his laptop bag. I sniff and wipe my face and sit Indian style again feeling vulnerable and pretty miserable, let’s be honest. Before only I knew how lame this all was and now Bram knows it too. 

Bram moves back over to me looking oddly formal all of a sudden. He has an envelope. I blink, curiously, but bite my tongue, knowing Bram will explain. He’s not secretive or mysterious ...normally. 

“Here Simon. Happy Graduation,” he says giving me the envelope. I stare at him, still thrown off by the abruptness of this moment. 

“You shouldn’t have gotten me anything.” I mumble, staring at him not the envelope. 

“It’s for us really,’’ he says, and the hint of a smile is on the edge of his lips. Again, he knows something good. And I think I’m holding the answer. I examine it and I notice that the envelope is addressed to me and it has my address on it. It’s thick, like it’s made of cardstock. I make my trembling fingers open it, and a bunch of odd paperwork spills out. I can’t make sense of it. Bram picks up a crisp while sheet of folded paper on the top and opens it up for me before handing it over. I only see one word really on the page at the top in fancy letters. _Dartmouth. _I don’t understand. 

“Are you showing me your acceptance letter?” I ask blankly. Bram is looking at me with an excited expression that quickly fades. 

“No Simon, I’m showing you yours,” he says. I just stare, bemused. 

“I don’t have one, I never applied to Dartmouth, “I say, confused. But then it was my name on this envelope. I pick up the ripped envelope again and look at it. It’s not a letter Bram put together. It doesn’t have his handwriting on it and it’s been officially stamped, like it actually came in the mail. _Did it? _

I snap my gaze back up to Bram and he actually looks a little nervous now. “What…?” is all I manage. 

He sighs, and then the words start tumbling out of his mouth, “I knew you were upset about college. I talked to Leah a few months ago and she told me how down you were about it. I didn’t know what to do about it because I was already accepted to Dartmouth and you didn’t seem to care about any of your colleges. So, Leah told me that you obviously needed to go to school with me, seeing as you didn’t really know what you wanted to do anyway. Great school. Good theatre program,” He stops for a moment and stares at me. I can only stare back. 

“But obviously it was tricky applying to a college for you. I really needed her help. She filled out the forms with personal information and proofread your essay.” I find my voice. 

“My essay? On what?” I say having no idea what he’s talking about. 

“You wrote about how you overcame the odds against us in high school. About the emails, the blackmail, the bullying, and finally finding the confidence to tell the people in your life that you’re gay and having the courage to meet me at the fair.” he says as he draws a single sheet of white paper from his laptop bag and hands it to me. I look at it and realize it’s a copy of the essay. I start to read it and feel my eyes tear up again. 

“I’m sorry,” he says quickly. “I knew it was a stretch, applying to Dartmouth without asking you. Writing this essay for you. You obviously don’t need to go. We can put it aside and pretend it never happened if you want.” He says, his voice becoming more distressed. 

“Shh.” I say and he falls silent. I take a moment to arrange my words. “No one has ever done anything like this for me before. I can’t even believe it. How can this be real?” I ask looking at him in wonder. “What did you have to do to convince Dartmouth to take me? And this late!?” I demand, feeling a rising excitement in my chest. Relief floods Bram’s face. 

“Well, all I did was fill out your theatre background and put your GPA, and then write an essay about our story. Apparently, that was all they needed. Maybe it’s a gay inclusion thing, who knows?” He's smiling softly now; triumphant. “So, what do you think?” His eyes sparkle with excitement. 

“Well ...I know tomorrow's going to be crazy, convincing my parents that I applied to Dartmouth...and got in. I mean Ivy League! Who’s going to buy this?” I shake my head, dazed. 

“I do.” says Bram solemnly. “You amaze me,” he says simply, and I feel overwhelmed by the sincerity and heat of those words. I throw myself into his arms and we resume kissing, the paperwork flying up and everywhere, settling into messy piles around us. Eventually he pulls away. “We can’t crumple this,” he says laughing. We pull apart and gather it all up. 

“We’ve got to read this, see if I have financial aid or whatever is in here,” I say holding up a pile. 

“So, let’s get to it,” he says taking out his laptop like he’s getting ready to do homework, which technically we are, and I can’t help but love him even more. “But let me text Leah first,” he adds casually, like him and Leah are close buds now. _Maybe they are, _I think, feeling happiness at the thought. “I assume you want to go?” he adds in, a mischievous grin lighting his face. And suddenly, I feel a rush of peace that follows a solution to a problem. The burden is lifted away. I have the hope of attending an amazing college with my boyfriend. No separation. Simply starting again at a new place. _Together. _I smile and feel buoyant. Excited finally about graduation and the prospect of college. 

“Yes.” I breathe. “Yes, yes, yes.” 

  
  
  
  



	3. Friends

_Chapter 3- Friends- Bella_

“Mom?” she asked me, and I sighed. 

“Ness, you’re slipping,” I said and she rolled her eyes, the picture of her father. 

“I know but it’s weird,” she complained from the passenger seat. I took a left, following a map I memorized from the internet to get to the right parking lot. 

“Not necessarily, I often call grandpa Charlie,” I disagreed. 

“But that’s not normal, and I hear you call him dad all the time,” she countered. I sighed again. 

“Humor me,” I said and stopped at a light. The Volvo blended in well here. It still was so strange how less dense these forests were. They were all so sparse. No dripping vines from trees. No deep rich evergreens. But I guessed a person who’s only lived in Phoenix, Arizona or Forks, Washington would be shocked by an average forest. 

“Bella?” she asked. Even I thought it sounded strange, not that I would admit it now.

“Yes?” I asked with perfect patience. 

“Before da… Edward and Jake, who were your friends?” she asked me. And I have to admit, I didn’t see this question coming; very strange. 

“What?” I said looking away from the road into her chocolate, my chocolate eyes. “That is so random.” I protested. 

“Well?” she pressed. 

“Ok, well, I presume Alice also doesn’t count?” I verified. She only nodded and I caught the reflection off the windshield. “I’d say Mike, Jess, Angela, Ben, and Eric,” I said feeling dumbstruck to have thought about Mike after all these years. 

“So, no one from Phoenix?” She prodded. Where was she going with this? 

“Grandma Renee was my best friend back then,” I said. It was a hard conversation, surprisingly. A year after I revealed myself to Charlie, he convinced me I needed to do the same for Renee. That it was selfish for me to worry her for so long. And he was right. When we finally did get her to Forks, she freaked out at the sight of me. The worst part was how afraid of me she was. It was very difficult to witness. We still talked occasionally, but I knew that I was her mutant daughter now...that she still feared. And we had lost our special bond. Edward, Jake, or even Alice could never understand how big a loss to me it was; for her to think of me differently forever. Foreign. Dangerous. I didn’t know if it was better than avoiding her. Or pretending to be dead. Unlike Charlie, she hadn’t wanted to be left in the dark. She demanded answers, and got furious when no one would elaborate on anything for her. Including me. I tried to tell her I was protecting her, but she didn’t believe me. After that it was solidified for me that I should never reveal myself to anyone else from my old life. Sue, Billy, and the wolves were all in the know, but they had their own secrets to keep. Nessie sensed that the silence in the car was tense, because she stopped asking about Phoenix, and switched back to asking about Forks. 

“So, a few good friends from Forks High School, then?” she said. I reasoned to myself what could possibly be her reason for asking this. 

“And then you know by now that Jake and I were the closest; true best friends.” I said and nothing truer was spoken. I still loved him; even though he was often a bum, and smelled like wet dog. And was seeing my _daughter_. That was still hard to let go. 

“And then daddy,” she supplied. I casted her a look and she remembered her mistake. It was essential that she fix this, and she knew it. “Edward,” she amended. She needed to call us by our first names now if we were going to be in classes and on campus together. We all looked exactly the same age; college ready teenagers, or maybe even years younger than 18. But yet, our daughter was still our daughter, regardless of our frozen aging. To me, she was even still 7 years old, but I knew Jake was right. She was my 17-year-old teenager. How interesting. When I was a human teenager, mom always said I was like her middle-aged child; that I had never been a teenager in mind. It looked like my daughter was similar, in a way. If I did sleep, I knew I would have lost sleep worrying about how things were now, the complication of all us looking and appearing the same age even though we really aren’t, years ago. The worry tired me but only in my mind. I hadn’t slept in almost 7 years now. An endless day. 

“Could you explain why you’re asking?” I probed; not confident she would answer me. As close as we were, she was still a teenager, and I certainly kept many things from Charlie in the past. She paused. 

“I’m really glad we’re here,” she said in a quiet voice. I didn’t say anything, because I knew more would follow. “I’m excited for classes. For being in a new place.” she said. I waited; certain I was about to learn why she had asked me about my past life. We reached the parking lot and I turned the car off. We got out simultaneously and retrieved our laptop bags. We also got out our coffee mug props. Of course, nothing was inside them, but they helped us blend in. We started off to the first building. I double checked online last night. We both had the same class at 6 pm in this building. Ness had already gotten a head start. She could take morning classes, unlike me. My skin meant I’d soon be bored and trapped indoors day after day. The lack of constantly overcast skies like Forks, Washington meant we needed to shut ourselves away to keep from being noticed. Our vampire skin glinted like diamonds in direct sunlight. At least Edward was trapped in the house with me. When Ness was gone, Jake was off exploring on his own. So, we were alone, and _that_ could never be considered boring at all…. Time passed, but each day with Edward was like the beginning. I was still just as taken with him. Just as awestruck by his smile. And certainly, by the rest of him as well. 

“I’m not just here for my education though,” she said and I stopped to look at her expression. It was closed off which also was very strange for her. 

“Why else?” I asked simply. 

“I want to have...friends outside the family and the pack,” she said in a quiet voice my vampire ears had no trouble with, but others may have. 

“Really?” I said, not expecting this at all. 

“Yeah,” she said. “We’re always together, and I love you all, but all of us, you guys included, should have more people in our lives. Even if they are just humans. No matter how slow they are. I think we could be happier with more people in our lives. I mean, technically...Edward did that once, with you.” I pondered that, pleased that she called her father Edward also. 

“It’s sort of...dangerous,” I said slowly. It certainly was when I was human. But I’d never trade my choices. I had the perfect...existence. Other than what happened with mom. But now, I also had to cope with the old sadness of having to let go of Angela and Ben too. Would Ness make a friend, and then have to let he/she go, because of our lives? What if...her friends started to notice how different we were? I already knew what we would have to do, even if she didn’t realize it yet. We would disappear if we had to. I tried to push the thought aside. 

“But we’re here. We’re putting ourselves out there. People will notice us no matter what. Just because other humans know us, it doesn’t mean they would know the details; know what we are.” I started walking again. As her mother, it made sense that I would want this for her. I wanted her life to be full and happy. I didn’t want her to miss anything. But she had already. She never had the true high school experience. She didn’t have outside friends. She had no one. 

“You’re right. It could be hard, but we could try to talk to some of our classmates; if they aren’t totally freaked out by us,” I said, and hoped for the best. 

“I already started,” she said and smiled to herself. “I met some people in class this morning. Maybe they will be in this one too, who knows?” She looked happy finally. I smiled. 

“Will I like them?” I asked. 

“I hope so, I like the theatre kids. I cannot believe you agreed to this. It’s so unlike you,” she said in wonder. 

“That was Alice’s point,” I grumbled. 

When Edward and I pondered what we would study in college, I figured out that I would have studied English in some capacity had I gone as a human. I’d probably focus on Shakespeare or the process of writing plays. I realized that I could do that; maybe write plays myself. The idea really stuck with me. I could write, shut away on my own. I wouldn’t have to commute to a job the way my father-in-law Carlisle did at the hospital back in Forks. He loved it, but I didn’t think I would have wanted a job among humans. I was a loner. Edward praised the idea, but my sister-in-law Alice didn’t think one major was enough, considering I had the power of a vampire mind. She said the Cullens had always double-majored in school. I told her I had no idea what would be my second major. 

We talked about subjects of study with Ness too. She loved plays as well, but oddly, she actually wanted to be in them, not writing them. I couldn’t believe she wanted to study...acting. It involved being out there and drawing attention. But of course, she could; she was a star… my brilliant charismatic daughter. Edward had smiled and nodded. It was decided; she was going to study theatre. And for another subject, she decided to study music as well. The two went together, certainly. She was her father’s daughter in terms of musical ability. She could flawlessly read music and already was composing her own music on piano the way her father did. He taught her at a young age. And I supposed I taught her to appreciate Shakespeare; because she dreamt of pursuing theatre. If she studied music, she said she would focus on composing, as a second career. I could really see it. She could write scores for movies. 

Alice pointed out to me that I had always been a horrible actress, and that being a Cullen meant that lying and acting were essential for avoiding detection. I thought that was a pretty silly argument; that I should study theatre to get better at lying? It became a sort of joke. Edward supported me always, but he did point out to me that if Ness didn’t mind, it would be fun for us to take classes together. She was thrilled by the idea. I grouched about it, but eventually went along, glaring daggers at Alice, who skipped away with a mischievous smile. She was frequently conniving; something I knew back when I was still human. 

Edward already studied music and really didn’t want to study English or theatre. He was more of a scientist he claimed. After some time, he decided to study microbiology with a focus in immunology; the nerd. He also decided to study biomedical engineering at a separate school from us within Dartmouth called the Thayer School of Engineering. It was sort of part of Dartmouth College overall. I learned one night that Edward had wanted to do this for some time. Even before we met. He was very excited and Carlisle was pleased at the prospect of his son designing equipment he could use in the hospital. 

Alice and her husband Jasper decided they weren’t coming with us. I was disappointed at first, but she didn’t want to go back to college just yet. Jasper had also just finished a new degree in philosophy, and wanted to take a break. They were travelling for now, like my other two siblings-in-law, Emmett and Rosalie. They were also married, and they were in Africa presently. Emmett wanted to try hunting safari game, he was sort of a nut, and Rosalie wanted to do volunteer work involving underprivileged kids. I didn’t know where Alice and Jasper were now, but a month ago they were in China. I wasn’t sure what they were up to precisely. Maybe they were just on another extended honeymoon. 

We planned to reunite in New Hampshire for Christmas. We assumed that by that point, Ness would have plays and recitals that no one wanted to miss. My mother-in-law Esme insisted that the first time we attended college was the most important. After that it was just our job, to maintain our anonymity. After a few decades, we would attend high school again, Ness included. I wondered if she would look forward to it. My daughter was no longer going to be aging either, within the year, something I was profoundly relieved for. How many people had ever attended college before high school? Probably none. 

We arrived at our first class, Theatre 101, in a lecture hall; it was the absolute basics. Ness was excited and I was so-so. I really didn’t love the idea of theatre for myself. I’d be taking my English classes on my own. I wondered what that would be like. 

We selected seats in the middle of the room closer to the back. I enjoyed how alike we were. I never liked to sit in the front seats in high school. We opened our expensive laptops and settled into chairs. As a vampire and a half human half vampire, we didn’t require rest like humans. I could have stood perfectly still for hours, days even, and never tired. Renesmee was similar, but still needed a little rest. She also slept. She was strong and could run fast but she was the slowest among us. Something Jake especially loved to taunt her about. I also wasn’t the newborn superstar anymore. Eventually, I lost my super strength, something Emmett was thrilled about. He was finally winning arm-wrestling battles again. I avoided him more now. I did maintain my super self-control and my shield abilities. The self-control allowed me to mix among humans so soon after my transformation. It took other vampires decades of practicing self-control to act as I did.

Even with all of this, we still pretended to be human to blend in. Sitting in a chair, slouching, going to the bathroom, and getting food props were all part of this. Renesmee actually did use the restroom and she could eat human food. She didn’t prefer to, but she agreed to eat human food more frequently in college. I tried to put a fun spin on it for her, challenging her to find food she could really enjoy. 

The other students filed in and spread themselves out in the room, many also choosing not to sit in the front. At first, we weren’t noticed but after a few minutes people started staring. It was because we were model-worthy gorgeous. Another perk of being a vampire. Although now it really wasn’t a good thing, because it made us stand out. Renesmee blended in more than I did, but she still radiated beauty. It turned out that being part human, having my genes, actually added to her beauty instead of detracting from it. She blushed like I used to, and had my chocolate brown eyes from my life as a human, copied exactly onto her face. She even had Charlie’s curly hair that bounced in ringlets. She didn’t have his color though; her hair was bronze like Edward’s. She cut it to be mid-length, not quite reaching her shoulders, before we left for college. It would grow back pretty quickly. My hair didn’t grow anymore. I kept it the same length I did in high school. It was really strong. It would never change as long as I didn’t cut it. I know Alice wished she had longer hair before she was changed. She had no memory of her human life, and her hair had been short and spiky as a human, so it remained that way now. 

When the teacher came in, the students finally stopped glancing furtively at us and faced the front. I had my chance to stare at them in turn. My vampire mind had a lot of space for thought. I could pay attention to the lecture perfectly, memorizing everything and people watch at the same time. I noted how addicted to their phones everyone was. People also weren’t taking many notes. I pretended to every few minutes in case anyone watched me. I just picked out single words from the lecture, typing them into a google document. Edward spent an afternoon showing us all the google tools and software and a bunch of other things I never thought I would use. Renesmee typed full notes; something I would have done if I didn’t have a perfect vampire memory. When I was in high school, I took school very seriously. Renesmee’s memory was still better than a human’s; she learned exceptionally fast. She probably wouldn’t need to revisit these notes more than one time to have it memorized. I typed a little more so my notes looked similar to hers, pressing the keys slowly, matching my pace to hers. She glanced at me, and I wondered if she liked my adjustments or if it irritated her. I’d ask her later. 

The professor handed out a play to us, students passed piles back until it reached us. The play was Hamlet, something very basic which fit the class well. I’d already read it in high school, but I liked it. I didn’t think Renesmee had read it yet. Edward taught her Romeo and Juliet in her lessons; something he knew was a favorite of mine. He asked us in a cheery voice to partner in threes and take turns reading aloud, each of us assuming a different character. He asked us to take notes on the emotions we thought we should be incorporating into the lines. He assured us it was all in practice, and we would discuss our thoughts as a group before the end of the hour. I glanced at Ness. She interpreted my glance exactly. I wanted to know if she wanted us to split up. 

“Let’s go ask someone to join us,” she said. I nodded and followed her to the right down the aisle. There were a couple people around us but it looked like many had paired up already. After craning her neck for a moment, it looked like Ness spotted someone from a previous class. She waved shyly and the student saw her. He raised a hand and it looked like he hadn’t chosen partners yet. I followed her over to him, curiosity spiking. Was this her new potential friend? And what was it she liked about him? “Can we join you?” she asked shyly. 

“Yeah, certainly,” he said. We settled in seats next to him, clutching our plays. Ness smiled at him and it was clear he remembered who she was too. 

“Bella,” she said, nailing it. “This is Simon, he’s in my improv class.” I decided not to shake his hand; mine was icy cold. 

“Nice to meet you,” I said, making eye contact. He wore glasses and had grey eyes and blonde hair that was long enough to obscure them slightly. He brushed it aside and met my eye contact. He didn’t start at my golden eyes the way some people did. 

“Simon this is my friend Bella from home. We were in high school together,” she said. She was so smooth. Just like her father. _She_ didn’t need lessons to be good at lying. 

“It’s nice to meet you too,” he answered me and I already knew why Ness liked him. He reminded me of Ben and Seth Clearwater. A little shy but very nice. I could tell he was someone Ness would get along with. He also wasn’t like Jacob. Jake was confident and teasing, and I knew this boy was shy from his tone and demeanor. He also wasn’t sarcastic; something Jake especially liked. There was something else there that took me a few moments to work out. He wasn’t really afraid of us, or dumbstruck by our staggering beauty. He looked a little nervous, but he wasn’t drooling over us the way a few students were. Interesting. 

When I first met the Cullens I was really taken with them, but I was also perceptively not afraid of them either. And then Edward and I fell in love; because I liked being close to him, when other students kept their distance. I should have too if I had any instincts for self-preservation at all; vampires were dangerous. But Edward always insisted I was a magnet for danger. There was more than enough evidence to support this. This boy Simon did not seem to sense the danger, but Ness didn’t give off that vibe. In the year after her birth, I worked out that she seemed more human than vampire. She had gifts of course, but she was the farthest thing from dangerous. She invited people in. They were taken with her immediately. The same was true now. She balanced me out actually. Whatever danger I inspired; she must have equally negated it with her charisma. 

We read the scenes quietly. I was surprised and enjoyed the instant confidence Renesmee had. She wasn’t reluctant. She inherited that from Edward, he was a genius, good at everything he did. When I was human, I was more like Simon, hesitant and self-conscious. I guess it still lingered in me a bit. In the space of ten minutes though, it was clear Simon knew what he was doing. It was obvious he was in plays in high school; comfortable with the script. I thought my reading was average. We paused every five minutes to chat about the emotions we should write about. Ness and Simon were a bit more talkative than I was. Good. I wanted her to get the most out of this. I let them steer the conversation and typed bits of what they said. I shared the notes with them after finding out Simon’s email. Google was pretty handy. We were stopped after about 20 minutes and we turned our attention back to the teacher, but stayed in our new seats. I sensed that tomorrow, we’d sit here again. I thought Simon seemed to like Ness, but again, not like a boy after a pretty girl. I think he liked her ideas, and her personality. Another good thing. Who knew it was this easy to get to know the humans? For one moment, I wondered what Edward would say about his mind. 

There was a ten-minute group discussion at the end of class, but the three of us did not contribute. I thought that in time, Ness would probably speak out and suggest ideas. I doubted if I would though. I never did before unless I was prompted to. We were asked to read all of Hamlet tonight, and take more notes about possible emotions the characters should convey in a performance of the play. I didn’t admit it easily to myself, but I liked the theatre class. No one needed to know. Not Alice anyway. But I sighed, she might have seen a vision of us in class already. She was attuned to us as her family and often saw our futures unless it involved Jake or the wolves. She couldn’t see their futures at all. She had a bit of trouble with Ness as well, because she was a human vampire mix. We stood after being dismissed and bid Simon farewell. 

“See you tomorrow,” he said cheerfully, and we walked out. We didn’t have another class tonight. I had two classes tomorrow on Tuesdays and also on Thursdays. We had theatre lab on Wednesdays for two hours. I had an English class before the lab. My classes all had to be night classes. It was difficult. It would take Edward and I more time to graduate that Ness. She could take classes all day. We didn’t mind though. More time for Edward and I to be alone during the day. A great balance of my interests. 

The four of us, Jake included, would go hunting tonight. It would be the second time since our arrival in New Hampshire. The New Hampshire game was different. A lot of deer. There were next to no mountain lions around. Jake and Ness didn’t hunt them anyway. I decided I would start cooking more meals for Jake and Ness though. Jake did enjoy human food more. Ness was getting more used to it, slowly. 

I imagined that at some point we’d get lunch or dinner with Simon. Friends did that. I wondered where he was from. I’d ask tomorrow. There was a hint of a Southern accent. I smiled. Already Ness was getting me on board with the idea of friends. 

“What do you feel like doing?” I asked Renesmee. 

“Maybe catch up with Jake and then read Hamlet of course. Have you read it already?” she asked. 

“Yeah, but I’ll probably glance it again. Edward probably knows the whole thing word by word,” I predicted. 

“Maybe we should watch it this weekend,” she suggested. There were Hamlet movies out there. 

“Sure, if you like,” I said easily. Ness actually enjoyed TV a little bit. She liked dramas. Cop procedurals, sci-fi, and action/adventure. It was clear that drama was her passion; especially now in college studying theatre. I wasn’t into the shows as much, but I did watch the episodes with her when she wanted. I liked talking about her interests with her. Maybe she would eventually get me hooked on it, who knew? “So, Simon seems nice,” I added. 

“Yes, he is. When we met this morning, we seemed to click,” she said getting in the car when I unlocked it. “I think we should sit next to him tomorrow,” she suggested. 

“Yeah,” I said, picking up from her tone that she already was enjoying life in college. Good. I wanted her to experience everything; just like what Edward had wanted for me. 

Pleased, I started driving us home, and I wondered how Edward’s first class was tonight. 

  



	4. Normal

_Chapter 4- Normal- Bram_

So, when did normal get to be so great? For the longest time, my normal was so much harder. When I was in high school it felt like I was navigating landmines; constantly trying to pretend to be straight with the soccer guys, feeling a rush of adrenaline each time, I picked up my phone, hoping I had a message from Jacques. In high school, it was like everybody was strained about something. And everyone was fixated on each other. Normal was just getting through another day. Now, it was like someone opened the door, and life was so much different now. I felt so incredibly relaxed even though the work was a lot harder. My relaxation stemmed from being openly gay with Simon at college. I didn't need to worry about having to explain myself to anyone. I loved the challenge in my bio classes, and I felt overall more buoyant. Like I'd been given a new lease on life. Simon had also been transformed, and even though he missed his friends, he was coping. Maybe some of it was the joy of being able to see Simon at any hour of the day. To sleep over 5 days in a row if we wanted to in each other’s dorm rooms. To be as affectionate as we wanted and not have to hide anything. That alone had given me so much peace. For the longest time, I wanted to love Simon in the open the way I love him in my mind. Sure, by the end of high school we were more open, but we contained ourselves. We kept ourselves in check constantly. It was tough and stifling. Now Simon and I could walk hand in hand everywhere. We often kiss in the green. And we curl up on couches in the library. Life at Dartmouth just works. 

Looking back on the first three months of school, I’ve really come a long way. It certainly didn’t start easy. And in terms of normal, even my “new normal”, it was barely that as well. It really began in my first class. It was a basic Biology 101 level class for all life science majors. I was glad I took AP Bio in high school, I wanted to be able to keep up easily and spend more time on my Gen Chem class. I took a seat in the second row and gazed around to see how many others were in the class. It was a fairly small lecture hall, only about 30 students. Almost all my classmates were firing up laptops or gazing at their phones. Most of the students were guys, and they were pretty spread out from each other. A cute dark-haired boy in glasses was sitting at the end of my row. He looked like Harry Potter. A boy with short curly hair and a bored expression sat on the far right of the room. In front of me, two guys that knew each other were laughing and watching a clip-on YouTube. I turned all the way in my seat and froze. What I saw made no sense to me at all, because it could not be real. 

No one looked that good. A blonde boy with red tinted hair was doodling on a piece of paper, and he was just... a god, there was no other word for it. His skin was pale and his features were sculpted and flawless. My mouth went dry and all I could do was blink. His beauty was confounding. The professor came in, so I turned my attention back to him but I was frazzled. It was just so peculiar. So, beyond anything I was prepared for. I was certain I’d meet hot guys at Dartmouth, but that fact would never change anything about Simon and I. And it still remained true. But this guy was otherworldly, and it bothered me. I couldn’t explain why it did, but I was unsettled. I took in about half of what the professor said and tried to write some notes but I was still preoccupied. I didn’t turn around again after that first look, but I felt a burning desire to turn around again. By the end of class, I couldn’t help myself, and I did again. Just to check that I wasn’t crazy. He was still there sliding his papers into a leather backpack. He didn’t even look up. I wondered how Simon would react to him. Would he also be confused and perhaps alarmed by his beauty? I wished I could take a picture to show Simon, but of course I wouldn’t. When he raised his head to look up, I turned back around so fast that I knocked my iced coffee over and it drenched my notebook. Ugh. Mortified, I got up and I asked the professor if there were any paper towels in the room and he handed me a roll. I jogged back up the stairs to my seat and almost ran into the guy. I looked up and met his confused gaze. His eyes were like a golden honey and it took my breath away just looking into his face. I had no idea what I was going to say. 

“Do you need some help?” he asked. His voice was smooth and rich. It was also beautiful, just like everything else about him. I even smelled something like a rich perfume scent coming off of him. 

“Thanks, I’m good,” I managed because it was difficult for me to talk to cute guys. I turned to my mess; grateful I could look away from his face. It was like I was being mesmerized. 

Dazed I made my clumsy puppet hands tear off paper towels to soak up the mess. 

“Were these your notes?” came the musical voice again and I turned to see the guy looking at my drowned notebook. I stared again and then remembered I was supposed to answer. 

“Umm...yes, they were,” I said and turned back to the mess. I felt like I needed a slap to the face to clear my head. 

“Well, I doubt you could use these, would you like a copy of mine?” he asked politely. At this point, the only people left in the room were me, this guy, and the professor. I glanced at him again and something about the way he was looking at me, the strange golden eyes, and his welcoming tone made me blurt my answer. 

“Sure, that would be great.” I said. 

“I wrote my notes, why don’t we make a copy at the library.” He said, then reached down and picked up half the sopping wet towels. I picked up my half and we threw them out in the waste bin while walking out of the room. Walking next to him out of the science building and into the early twilight was odd. Odd because he didn’t seem to be making any noise at all as he walked. It was like he drifted next to me. His movements were so lithe as well. Like it was a dance more than a casual stroll. 

“Do you know where the library is?” I asked, to kill the awkward silence as we walked. 

“Yes, it’s over here,” He said leading the way. At the library he deftly made copies of the notes and passed me a freshly printed stack. 

“Thanks,” I said embarrassed. I wasn’t exactly sure what to say or do next. I was getting hungry. Simon was likely wondering where I was. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I groaned. My companion raised his eyebrow looking fascinated. 

“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m late for dinner,” I said. I felt strange. Announcing my plans after he did this nice thing for me and not offering to invite him. I took a chance and decided to ask. 

“If you want, you can join me, I really appreciate the notes,” I said. 

“I’m late as well, but maybe next time.” he said and he paused, clearly hoping to hear my name. 

“Bram,” I said reaching my hand out to shake his. At that moment he dropped his backpack. 

“Whoops,” he said reaching down to pick it up instead of shaking my hand. “I’m Edward,” he said, putting his bag over his shoulder. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow Bram, nice to meet you.” He said and turned to go. Before he did, the strangest look crossed his face. It was almost like something frustrated him. But I could have easily imagined it. 

The next day Edward sat next to me. As nice a gesture as this was, it made concentrating in class a lot more challenging. I was almost grateful when class ended and I could get away from him. Then I could finally breathe easy again. Simon was busy at a late theatre lab on Tuesdays, so I decided to have a late-night run to learn some of the streets of Hanover. 

It felt great to be active again. I sorely missed the soccer field, and how freeing it was to fly down the field with my teammates. I ran faster and faster until I forced myself to slow down. After a few minutes I came across Hanover’s high school and spotted a big open field behind the school. It made me ache for my high school’s field at home. I wondered how Nick was doing in New York. I stopped when I saw someone running around the field, using the remaining daylight. I heard a buzz in my ear and swatted a mosquito away as I moved closer. The late summer night smelled rich in the humid evening air. I smiled when I spotted a soccer ball on the ground. 

I made to move toward it when I noticed the person who was playing with it had stopped and was staring. It was a young guy roughly around my age with really dark hair and tan skin. He was wearing workout clothes and seemed a bit hot from playing. 

“Hey sorry to interrupt you, I just saw you playing soccer and I couldn't help but stop. I used to play for years in high school,” I said.

“S’ok, I never played in high school but I really enjoy it now. Are you local?” He picked up the ball and tucked it under his arm. 

“Sort of. I go to the college but I'm from Georgia,” I answered. 

“No southern accent though,” he said smiling. He had a really white smile and shaggy hair. He was pretty attractive. Athletic and easy going enough. 

“Are you local?” I asked. 

“I'm new to the area. I've only been here for a few weeks. Originally I'm from Washington State.” 

“Wow that's really far. Anyways, I won't take up too much of your time, I just wanted to check out the soccer.” I said starting to turn away. 

“Want to have a scrimmage? I don't really mind. I enjoy the competition,” he said. 

I didn't exactly have the right clothes for it but I really couldn't help myself. I liked competition as well. 

“Sure,” I said entering the field. I looked around and spotted a net under the shade of an oak tree. The grass was about medium height. Not exactly ideal for soccer but still not bad. He started dribbling the ball and it became immediately apparent to me that he was athletic. He didn't seem to be a soccer expert, but he made the movements look really easy. He passed the ball to me playfully and I had 5 minutes to show off my skills. It felt great having a ball after a few weeks of hiatus from soccer. I passed it back to him and somehow, even though neither of us said it, the game started. 

He raced for the goal and I felt myself automatically race after him. He was fast. Quicker than I expected. And it was so much more than that. I was panting as I tried to catch up but he seemed to move with ease. I really underestimated his athletic ability. He easily got the first goal. When we resumed play again, I managed to get the ball from him but I had this nagging feeling that he let me. I thought he wasn't an exceptional soccer player but his athletic skills so far outmatched my own, that it made up for it. The game was vigorous and getting increasingly rough. He eventually beat me to 10 with me finishing with 8. Not bad considering I was slightly out of practice. 

We plopped down in the grass afterward both breathing pretty hard. Although again, I had this slightly strange feeling that he was not as out of breath as he sounded. 

“What's your name?” He asked in a husky voice. I was thrown for a minute by how attractive it sounded. 

“Bram, what's yours?” 

“Jake. That was a pretty good game, Bram. Glad you walked by.” I smiled. This Jake seemed extremely laid-back. He played a game of soccer with a stranger and seemed nice enough. 

“I was waiting for a friend of mine but he's taking too long,” he said and there was a note of annoyance in his voice. 

“Oh? Is he as good as you?” I asked sitting up and getting ready to get to my feet. 

“He thinks so” he said and he raised his voice slightly which was odd until I heard a chuckle not far behind us. I turned around quickly and saw with a surprise, that it was Edward. I looked back at Jake and realized that he must have known he was there, otherwise he wouldn't have raised his voice. But like usual, I didn't hear Edward at all. Huh. 

“Sorry I'm late but it looks like you had a game anyway. Hey Bram,” he added casually. “Didn't expect to see you here.” And I noticed that Jake gave him a funny look, like what he said took him by surprise somehow. Again, I felt like my imagination was running wild. I got to my feet and so did Jake. We walked over to where Edward was. He was dressed in athletic gear, still looking exceptionally good-looking. He could be a model for Nike. 

“Well you snooze you lose, I'm done for the night,” said Jake reaching down and picked up a backpack I didn't notice at first and put the soccer ball in it. 

“I'm surprised you tired so quickly,” he said, and I noted the sarcasm. Jake frowned at him but let it go, swinging the backpack onto his shoulders and jumping over the short wooden fence. I followed suit and the three of us started walking back toward the college. 

“What kept you?” He asked conversationally. 

“Some unexpected things came up,” he answered evasively. And again, Jacob had a strange reaction. He looked concerned for moment and then Edward shook his head. An odd exchange. 

“So, do you go to the college too?” I asked Jacob. 

“Nope I'm a civilian,” he answered. 

“How do you guys know each other?” I asked and they shared a brief look. 

“We're both from Washington and right now we're roommates,” supplied Edward. Wow. Incredible that I managed to stumble into Edward’s roommate two days after meeting him. 

When we were back at the college Jake and Edward turned to walk down a street leading away from it. 

“See you tomorrow Bram,” said Edward in a pleasant tone. 

“Good game,” said Jake. “Catch you later?” He asked. 

“Yeah, I think I'd love a rematch” I responded. Jake nodded and they disappeared into the night. I walked back to my dorm room, thoughtfully. It was odd, the two of them. Jake with his unerring athletic prowess and Edward with his incredibly good looks. It seemed too good to be true. 

Over the next month I got to know both of them more. Although Jake wasn't a student, he popped up on campus a lot to see Edward. They often included me when walking from building to building. Eventually we started hanging out at a campus coffee shop even though I noticed neither of them drank coffee. We chatted about classes and everyday stuff. They never seemed to talk too much about themselves though. In the evenings I would play a competitive game of soccer with Jake. I occasionally worked in the library with Edward on biology stuff. It was nice to find friends outside of my relationship. It made my life more balanced. 

After meeting them, the next week was certainly more interesting. Simon had befriended two girls named Bella and Ness from his theatre classes. It turned out that they were friends of Jake and Edward as well. We were in the coffee shop when they showed up and Simon was with them. It was quite a pleasant surprise. Edward and Jake were pretty reserved guys, but I noticed almost immediately that these were their girlfriends, even though they didn't introduce them as such. 

They didn't figure it out at first, but eventually it became clear to them that Simon was my boyfriend. As we got to know each other, Simon and I were more open with each other, holding hands. It didn't change anything. They all seemed perfectly comfortable with gay people. It was a nice change to experience. 

After two months, the six of us met at the coffee place almost every day. I knew that in the space of a year, we probably would be close friends like the cast of Friends. I really liked it. In that time though, I did pick up on how strange they were. Bella was simply mesmerizing. She was equally as flawlessly beautiful as Edward. It was clear how much they belonged together. She also had pale skin and golden eyes. I wondered if they were wearing some sort of fashionable contact lenses. Ness was beautiful as well, but not quite as strikingly different. 

They must have been on special diets, because Bella and Edward never ate any of the coffee house food. Jake and Ness did, but it was seldom. We never met at the coffee house during the day. It seemed like Jake was never free until early evening. Edwards morning classes were on the opposite side of campus, so I never saw him. Bella had a morning job, so her classes were all in the evenings. She said she needed it to pay for college. Edward's father was a doctor, so he was paying for Edward's tuition. Ness said her parents were covering her tuition as well. And Jake said he had a local job at one of the restaurants outside of Hanover. 

Sometimes, Ness met up with Simon and I for lunch in the dining commons. She had morning classes with Simon. They really clicked, both theater nerds. She reminded me of Leah a little bit. She was a really caring person. It hadn’t been long, but it was clear that she was invested in her friendship with Simon. I liked this because Simon had other people in his life now as well. 

I spent the most time with Jake in the evenings playing soccer. Edward helped me a lot in bio; he really seemed to have a knack for the subject. Thanks to some study sessions, I did pretty well on the midterm. He got a perfect score. He didn't flaunt it but he was the top of the class. 

Bella was the quietest of the group. She was difficult to read. She didn't talk about her life much outside of what was going on in her classes with Ness and Simon. It was just her personality, I realized. And in that way, she was the closest to my personality. Her relationship with Edward seemed extremely stable. It was apparent they were very happy together. There was also a quiet happiness between Ness and Jake. She was the life of the conversation and he was completely drawn to her, engrossed in everything that she said. It reminded me of how I felt about Simon. 

I learned that the four of them lived in a house together, splitting the rent. They all came from Washington, where they knew each other previously. It must have been great; traveling with your close friends and going to college together. In that way, they were similar to Simon and I. 

After midterms, I started to notice that something was off. Something was worrying them. They didn't talk about it, but they seemed strained for a few weeks. I didn't meet with them as much during that time. Everyone was extremely busy. Winter was almost underway, so Jake and I didn't meet for soccer anymore either. The theatre crew also had a play coming up and we're frequently tied up at play practice or set design. 

In class Edward seemed really withdrawn. Something was wrong and I debated asking him about it but I didn't want to pry. Simon noticed it too. Bella was acting similarly. I guess that maybe it was money trouble or something wrong with relatives. I hoped it wasn't too serious. I missed how light-hearted it used to be at the coffee house. We didn't say anything though, and pressed on like nothing was wrong. In December Edward started missing a few classes, which was really unlike him. I kept the notes up and sent them to him. Eventually I brought it up before Christmas. 

“I've noticed you've been withdrawn lately. Is everything okay?” I asked as we walked through the snow after class had just ended. 

He seemed surprised by my comment but then smiled slightly. 

“Yeah there's just some family trouble back in Washington.” 

“Oh, I hope it's nothing too serious.” 

“No, we might go back to Washington for a while. Christmas break really is welcome.” 

I didn't want to pry about his family but I also wanted to express interest. 

“Do you have many brothers or sisters?” 

“Yes. My father adopted myself and my two sisters and two brothers.” 

“Oh, wow I never knew your family was so big,” I said. 

“I lost my parents many years ago, and my father adopted me first. I was closely followed by my sister Rosalie and brother Emmett. My parents adopted Alice and Jasper years later. I'm really grateful to my father for adopting me. He's done so much for me,” he said his tone sincerely appreciative. 

“Is your father married?” I asked. 

“Yes, his wife Esme is a loving mother,” he replied and then I told him about my family and how my dad had Caleb 17 years after having me. He told me that Bella was close to her mother before she moved in with her father Charlie after her mother got married. She was originally from Phoenix. He told me that Jacob was actually a member of an Indian tribe and he previously lived on a reservation on the Olympic Peninsula. Renesmee's parents lived in a town called Forks, the same town where Charlie was the chief of police. He didn't tell me much about them. 

“Anyway, things should go back to normal after we visit home.” The snow started falling and we parted ways. I headed back to my dorm where Simon was supposed to meet me. 

It was lovely, curling up with Simon under a blanket as the snow fell outside. We decided to stay in New Hampshire for Christmas. We loved experiencing our first White Christmas. And it felt really nice to have it all to ourselves. We could start our own traditions and decorate our own tree, of course also lighting a menorah as well, only not for too long because it wasn't safe in the dorms. As Edward had said, the four of them returned home during the holiday. I was hoping that when they returned, we could get back to our carefree days at the coffee house. Everything back to normal. 


	5. Vision

_Chapter 5 -Vision- Edward_

The rich evening colors in the Olympic forest were welcoming me home. I inhaled the rich fresh scent of the underbrush as I sped through the trees, as fast and silent as a shadow. Snow fell in wispy light flakes around me. I heard them hitting the ground. Small animals huddled together in trees; I caught their scent as I passed. She wanted to join me tonight. I knew it bothered her to be away from me. Not as much as it bothered me to be away from her, but I really needed to talk to Alice. And I wanted to talk to Alice alone. Bella was frustrated by my stubbornness, but eventually let it go. When Alice had called with news of the first vision months ago, I had panicked. It was so unclear. So murky. Alice didn’t know what to make of it. But she knew it wasn’t good. For the first time since the events that drew the Volturi to us, Alice put all of her energy into focusing on her visions. Jasper called me with updates, saying Alice barely moved all day long. Occasionally she’d get a flash of something, but then cursed the werewolves and even Ness; they blocked her visions. They prevented her from seeing things clearly. When she couldn’t see, she was completely hopeless. I wanted us to go home straight away but Bella disagreed. She didn’t want to pull Ness out of school. She didn’t want to scare her unnecessarily over something that wasn’t definite. It made sense. But I still came home briefly to sit with Alice and watch the flickering visions with her. We worked on isolating definites from the visions. We all seemed to be gathered in them. To me, this wasn’t a good thing. We didn’t exactly plan to get together any time soon. So why were we together in the visions? There also seemed to be others in the visions. Other vampires. Immediately we thought of the Volturi, but we hadn’t managed to identify any individuals. Alice had also kept tabs on Aro’s decisions, and nothing alarming had come up these past few years. Aro seemed keen to ignore us completely, still chagrined over his defeat on the field. But I knew his mind. I knew it would never last. He was greedy. And what he hungered for was Alice. Once he decided he wanted her, it would haunt him until she was his. Vampires rarely changed, and this was something that wouldn’t change either. There was no way we’d risk any of our family to take him out first. An offensive attack wasn’t possible without our vampire comrades. No one needed to die unnecessarily, Carlisle had argued. We would fight only if we had to. And now it was unclear if we might have to, or if these new visions were just noise. Aro understood Alice’s visions. He would know from my thoughts that she couldn’t see Ness or the wolves. It could be that they were seeking blind spots in her vision, the way Victoria had all those years ago. Bella had been right to worry. We wouldn’t be able to live our happily ever after forever. Eventually they would come for us again. I just didn’t expect anything to come together so soon. 

There was a whisper of sound behind me and I picked up easily on Alice’s thoughts as she ran to meet me. _I've missed this. _She thought as she skipped into the clearing behind me predicting accurately that I would stop. I turned to join her. It was great being home again. I could see in her expression that she was relieved that I was there too. We grinned at each other and it was as good as a hug. 

“Where's Jaz?” I asked quietly as I turned and began my run again. She kept pace with me easily, especially when I wasn't running my hardest. 

_He wanted to come. But I told him I needed some time. He's back at the house, brooding. _In her thoughts I caught a memory of a glimpse of Jasper's irritated expression before she shut the door to their room. At least he hadn't tried to control her mood. She despised it. 

“Bella reacted similarly,” I replied, and in the same moment I caught the scent of a herd of deer. 

Alice had a vision of us hunting and replied with her thoughts. _Yeah, I know I saw it. She's always retained her temper, just like when she was human. _

We continued on together toward the herd to live the vision she just had. I was used to catching these quick premonitions with her all the time. I barely thought about it. 

_There have been no new visions today;_ she said referring to the mysterious ones she had been having. She told me before I could ask. It was like she predicted that I would ask this even without the help of a vision. 

“Seems like we're not making much headway.” I said with a sigh. “What do the others think?” I asked but already felt like I knew the answer. 

“Emmett is a hundred percent on board with a rematch. Jasper is worried along with Esme and Carlisle. I'm not sure how to read Rose. Haughty as ever.” She spoke to me instead of responding with thoughts. I believed it was how she retained some normalcy in our conversations. 

“I don't want to reach out to the other vampires again without any definites.” I said, slightly irritated at Emmett for his foolishness. 

_I agree. _She said mentally. _There's really only one thing I'm trying to sort from the visions now. _I waited knowing she would tell me the answer. _I want to know where these events are taking place. I keep going over the background... _Came up on the deer herd now. We stopped and separated, moving through the trees and underbrush, silently. We could practically do it automatically, after hundreds of hunting trips. I heard her thoughts even though we were further apart. 

“Trying to pinpoint a location,” I acknowledged before I moved lithely to sink my teeth into the neck of the largest of the deer. She had also taken her kill, leaving not a spot of blood on her. I drained the buck then set him down gently. The other deer scattered. She was quickly finished with hers as well. 

“Yeah, at least then we can be more prepared. I'd like to know where this little shindig is taking place; East or West coast.” 

“I'm still hoping for none at all,” I said checking my clothes and confirming that no blood was on me either. “Still thirsty?” I asked meeting her bright newly golden gaze. She frowned and her thoughts drifted back to Jasper. “Yeah we better get back,” I said and led the way back home. 

Bella was reading one of her favorite Shakespeare novels on the couch by the fire back in the cottage. It was nice and relaxing to be in our original home. I liked the New Hampshire house, but this was our place. 

“So?” She asked casually as I sat down next to her. She left the book on the couch and it was so battered and old it fell apart holding her place easily. I chuckled. 

“I can't believe you're reading this again,” I said avoiding the question at first. 

“It's like a comfort blanket. Are you trying to distract me?” She said raising an eyebrow. The smile slipped off my face. 

“Everything is indefinite. Right now, she's trying to find a location. We haven't been able to identify any Volturi.”

“Ness and Jake can't be helping either,” she said acknowledging our blind spots in the family. I finally accepted that Jake was just part of the family. I had no doubt that he would be sticking around. Nothing could part them. For 3 seconds, I pondered their relationship. I always felt guilty, hearing their private thoughts about each other. I knew Renesmee resented this intrusion of her privacy. At least she knew I tried to distance myself as much as possible. I was secretly relieved that she seemed just as taken with him as he was taken with her. I could feel how he felt about her and I knew precisely how devastating it would be if she ever left him. He was incapable of recovery as an imprinted wolf. He would be like I was when I left Bella those years ago; an empty shell. I shivered slightly uncomfortable with the memory. My vampire mind had no trouble recounting with painful precision how that felt. 

“No, it is difficult,” I answered eventually. A beat too late. She knew I was preoccupied. 

“I wish I could hear your thoughts, Mr. Cullen.” She said taking my hand. I turned my fingers up so that they entwined with hers. I felt a zing of electricity in my fingertips. 

“As I do with yours as well Mrs. Cullen.” She could, of course, pull back her shield, and reveal her thoughts to me. She had long since perfected that skill. She just didn't prefer it. Sometimes I was grateful that my thoughts were my own as well. As I tightened my grip on her hand my need for her reared up suddenly. Seized with desire, I bent to kiss her. She returned my passion, and suddenly we became completely preoccupied, melting right into each other, adrift in our lust. 

Later, after a stretch of contented silence on the floor in front of the fire, she spoke again, her lips moving against the skin on my shoulder. 

“I don't know what to do about Ness. I want to leave the college and take refuge somewhere as we wait this out. But I know she'll be really disappointed. She's so happy. And I know she would miss Simon and Bram.” 

“I know. I'm not sure what to do either. For now, I think we continue to check in with Alice. Yesterday she thought about how she might want to come back to New Hampshire with us for a little while. Might be nice, hanging out with her and Jasper on campus,” I said calmly. “I know I would feel better if she was close by. At least until we know what's going on with more clarity.”

“It may never resolve, you know,” she said. 

“I fervently hope so,” I said, kissing her hair. 

~

The next day I sat with Carlisle in his study. 

“I'm glad you're back son, but I understand your decision. You know we're only a phone call away. If anything comes up, we won't hesitate to come.” He said warmly, and I realized how much I missed my father's steady warm thoughts. It was a comfort. 

“I appreciate it. I'm hoping for the best but I always knew that something might come up again. I'm just sad it's so soon,” I said my voice dropping off. He nodded and I took in the worry in his thoughts. 

“I hear that you're going to have some company,” he said, his eyes twinkling and his thoughts rested on Alice and Jasper. 

“It's temporary. They don't seem to mind.” I said and I reflected upon how close we've been these past few years. It was normal for there to be stretches of time in which we lived apart, pursuing our own interests. Since I met and married Bella, we'd all been living much closer together. It made sense with Renesmee. We all wanted to be close to her. 

“I'll probably visit soon as well. It's been awhile since I roamed the New Hampshire forests. A lot of deer there, and coyotes,” he said. 

“We’ll be happy to have you,” I said nodding. It made it very easy to host vampires when no one was sleeping. 

“Don't worry son, our family is strong,” he assured me before I walked out to meet Emmett and Jasper for a hunt. 

\-----

_I know my thoughts are conflicted but you shouldn't be worried. _Jasper thought as he flew through the underbrush moving with a graceful gait. Behind us Emmett moved more like a boulder through trees, as delicate as a battering ram. He would need to quiet down if we were ever going to catch any deer. I could tell from his thoughts that he wanted a mountain lion tonight though. And we had quite a way to go before we found our normal spot. 

_You know I don't prefer Alice out in the open, but with the Volturi it really doesn't matter where we are. We're in danger no matter where we go. _I flinched because I still was hoping, clinging to the notion that the Volturi were not involved at all. But in my heart of hearts, I knew the truth. I'd known it for six years but constantly pushed the thought aside, desperately trying to lead a normal worry-free life with my family. As long as Aro existed, my family could be taken from me. I couldn't live peacefully with that knowledge. Of course, I couldn't lose Carlisle my brothers and my sisters. But losing Bella and Renesmee would be equivalent to losing everything in life itself. My life would become meaningless and I would quickly follow them thereafter. To this day, I didn't know if Renesmee knew this about me. She’d become just as talented as Jake about concealing her thoughts. And Jake… Because of us he was as good as dead himself but like me with Bella he could never stay here without her. The burden of the pack’s demise on top of my own family’s was too much to bear. I writhed mentally, sick imagining it. Some of the wolves were quite young, infants in comparison to me. I felt an unnatural calm steal over me and I frowned. 

_I know you don't like it when I alter your emotions, but I couldn't help myself. You worry far too much. _

_“_It never feels like enough,” I uttered but I also embraced the mental morphine he provided me. Not to feel nowadays was the best I could hope for as things grew more and more dangerous. Unlike Ness and Jake, I couldn't escape into sleep for a while to give my mind a break. This was the closest I could achieve that. 

In Jasper’s thoughts he was surprised by how I seemed to embrace his gift. He couldn't read thoughts precisely like I did but he could read moods and emotions. His burden, similar to mine, was to live in a sea of them all the time. 

_That's pretty concerning you know. Normally you don't like it when I do that. It must be more serious than I realized. _

“No, I'm just reliving some of the feelings I had six years ago. Thought about the Quileutes also.” 

I heard Emmett sigh behind me. He hated when people share worrying just as much as he hated giving up a fight. He felt like both of these things were pointless. If there was a fight, he was going to be a participant and that was the only future that occurred to him. He didn't like considering that it was better not to fight, but occasionally relented whenever Rose pitched a fit. With me though, he had no patience for this. 

“I don't know what Jazz is saying, but we have to let this go. This depressing stuff is why it's no fun to go hunting anymore lately.” Emmett said in a bored tone. 

“I'm not really preoccupied with fun,” I said dryly. Emmett was intelligent enough to know better than comment when I was in this mood. He shrugged. 

_We don't know anything Edward. Until we do this is all wasted energy. _He said in a mental voice that was more supportive. 

I chose not to say anything either and picked up the stronger scent of the mountain lions as we grew closer to the Hoh rainforest. We had to be careful because there were always more hikers in this region. Jasper was a lot more adjusted now than he was those years ago. He didn't struggle as much with the scent of human blood. 

In a matter of minutes, we located the lions. There were only two and I waited as Emmett and Jazz hunted them. I wasn't that thirsty after my hunt with Alice. And my thoughts also effectively killed my thirst as well. 

_It would be better if you didn't let your worry affect Bella and Ness. Once we get to New Hampshire, the dread in the house could be unbearable. _Jasper thought as he finished with his lion. 

“I'm glad you're going to be there,” I said. 

“Wish I was but Rose is not eager. Could be nice to have some alone time,” Emmett said but he was very careful not to daydream about Rose near me. He was a really polite brother even if he didn't always act it. Jasper was even better at concealing his thoughts; almost like a pro. I heard not a trace of Alice's and Jasper's love life in their thoughts. Unless I was careless enough to be close to the house when they were together. After a few accidents I didn't let it happen anymore; the simple etiquette when you could read minds. Em didn't care, but he knew it made me uncomfortable. I isolated myself when I was with Bella, knowing Jasper was uninterested in getting wrapped up in our emotions during that time. Sometimes I envied Emmett’s simple existence without a gift. He was frequently jealous though. His super strength was his own gift in a way. 

Suddenly my phone buzzed and I frowned. I extracted it for my pocket and tapped the screen. It was a text from Alice. 

_You need to go home now. Something is up. Don't panic, it's not that bad. No Volturi anyway. But my evening's schedule vanished suddenly._

It certainly was more than enough to pique my interest. 

“Alice told me that something is going on at home so I'm deciding to head back. She didn't say,” I added as I read Jasper’s mind. 

“Let us know if you need anything,” said Emmett as I turned away to begin to run. 


	6. Go

::Please note, this chapter contains sexual content::

_ Renesmee Chapter 6- Go _

I heard him before I smelled his scent. For as long as I could remember, my senses were acutely aware of Jake; his scent, his movements, the beat of his heart, the chuckle in the back of his throat. He didn't smell like a wet dog the way that my mother and father reacted to him along with all my other vampire relatives. He smelled like the earth; a rich woods scent, and even though I was surrounded by creatures, all very perceptive of scent, I was the only one who could smell this aspect of him. One time though, I did hear mom describe this before when she was still human. She also said that Jake was his own sun; his personality was warm. I felt this everyday with him. Sometimes I didn't know how to feel about my mother's past with Jake; how it almost seemed like she fell for him even though she loved my father. I also didn't know how to feel about what my father did to my mother when she was young and still human; when he left her for six months. I tried to imagine it from my point of view to make sense of it. If I thought I was hurting Jake by being in his life, wouldn't I also leave to give him the best chance of happiness? I'm grateful that my father changed his mind though, otherwise I wouldn't exist. My parent’s love story is something that has always warmed my heart and given me hope. Sometimes on cold winter nights, we liked to spend some time sitting together in the big house around a warm fireplace and Aunt Alice and Uncle Emmett told stories about meeting Uncle Jasper and Aunt Rosalie. I hung on their every word, deeply fascinated by their past. The way that Grandma and Grandpa looked at each other as well, was proof that my family was forever and foremost built upon love. 

It's different with Mom's family. It was harder to talk about and harder to understand. Most likely because I never had the chance to meet my other grandmother, and it didn't seem like it was really possible. It made me sad because I knew from the way my mother talked about her that she sorely missed her. Grandpa was very loving, but I could also tell he still missed Grandma Renee sometimes. Instead of love bringing hope to my mother's family, it seemed to make them ache instead. Understanding both realities really grounded me. 

The Quileute families were also very interesting. The ties they shared originated in their DNA; the very fabric of their being. Sometimes I managed to convince dad to tell me about the pack mind and how mesmerizing it was. I could have also asked Jake, but somehow that felt like an invasion of his privacy. Like my parents, I was also grateful that Jake and I had our own thoughts to ourselves. Unless of course I decided to share a thought with him. 

I could hear him more clearly as Jake approached the house. He had just been running and he was trotting up to my window. I loved his wolf form as much as his human form. They held equal parts of his being and I almost felt like he was more vulnerable when he looked at me as a wolf. His heart was human but his soul was the wolf. My wolf. 

I peered out the window and saw his dark eyes appraising me in the dark. The moon was reflecting off of them. I opened the window and leaned out, and planted a kiss on his nose. After only a moment I perceived that something was wrong. He frowned slightly in his wolf form. I touched his muzzle and thought, _what is it? _He raised his head once flicking his muzzle at me and I realized he was communicating that he was about to phase. I stepped back and waited for him to pull some shorts on and climb through the window. I was sure Mom wouldn’t be pleased. My parents didn't approve of Jake climbing through my window at night. So, there must have been a very good reason. 

“Hey,” he said, in a warm throaty greeting. He leaped lightly through the window and then reached out to give me a hug. I went into his arms willingly and wondered what was going on. “You aren't going to like what I have to say,” he said quietly. Jake never liked to make me unhappy. He always went to great lengths to prevent it at all costs, even though I pointed out that it was normal every now and then. 

“The packs?” I asked worriedly. Jake stepped back and took my hand and led me over to my bed. 

“No, no one is hurt,” he said sitting down and pulling me close to him. I sat almost completely in his lap and brushed some of his hair out of his face lightly. I felt a pulse of warmth and electricity in the pit of my stomach. More and more this past year, I felt a growing physical attraction to him, that gripped my body and left me overcome and breathless. I knew he felt the same, but he always controlled himself. I had a sense it cost him intense effort. It certainly cost me some now. I pushed my desire aside and met his wary gaze. Lust was not on his mind. 

“Alice talked to me recently about some of her visions and how unclear they were about the future. She has no idea if the Volturi are coming back or not. I'm not sure that I can live with that uncertainty.” 

It took me the space of a minute to know what he was doing. He wasn't sharing this thought only with me. My mother could hear him clearly as well from the other side of the house. I knew that she would speak to him directly after this. It took me another minute to truly understand his intention. I also knew that, judging from his expression, he clearly struggled over it emotionally before coming here tonight. Above all his wants and desires, my protection was the utmost priority. 

He was attempting to make this choice for me because he knew I didn't want this. Often, he told me I was irrational about my safety. That I took too much for granted, and I should be more concerned and more careful. Maybe he was right. I didn't really fear much at all. The only thing I really feared was losing the ones I loved. And this is what he felt for me right now. I shook my head, not wanting to hear this. 

“I want us to run away together,” he said carefully. “I don't know if they will be able to track us, but we can do our best. The Cullens will deal with the threat, but I know that they want you safe.” 

“You don't even know if they're after us,” I whispered, upset that my mother could hear this. I didn't want her to think that I could ever run away from her, from our family. 

“Better safe than sorry,” he said, and tightened his grip on me. 

“But your pack, college…” I said and my voice trailed off, because I knew that neither of these things mattered to Jake compared to my safety. I also felt like he was dead set on this decision. I didn't know if I could change his mind. 

Mom knocked and came into the room. Jake immediately extracted me from his lap, shifting me so I was sitting next to him. 

“Jake,” she said and I could hear the desolation in her voice. “Are you really serious?” 

He looked at her, and I could see in his eyes that he regretted that he had to have this conversation with her. That he never planned to, and his hand was forced. 

“Once you were planning to trust me with her for safe keeping. It's come down to it again. Don't tell me you haven't predicted it yourself.” 

I didn't exactly understand what he meant. What did he mean that she trusted me with him? I looked questioningly at her but she shook her head slightly. I knew that she didn't plan to tell me in this moment. 

“I guess I thought we had more time,” I heard her say, and for the first time in several years, I could tell that there were tears in her voice even though they were not in her eyes. My parents couldn't cry because they were vampires. 

“You'll hear from us. I don't know how, but we will find ways. But you're the only one I'll talk to.” I also understood what this meant. My mother had a mental shield. No one could read her thoughts. She was able to project it to protect me 6 years ago when the Volturi came to Forks. If they ever were to return, they would never know about the reasons Jake and I left, where we were, or any conversations we had with Mom. No one could ever know her thoughts. It was our safety. 

“What am I supposed to say to Edward?” She said brokenly. 

“He's hunting. I waited until he left with Emmett and Jasper. We don't have much time.” He stood and approached her and gave her a hug, and ignored her ice-cold skin. He had long gotten over being close to vampires. “Tell him that Ness and I decided to take a journey on our own because we're young and in love.” It sounded pretty silly to me but his voice was only serious. 

“He knows how much Ness loves school,” she contradicted. 

“I think it's the best story. You're the only one who can convince him because he can't hear you. We have to keep this from them. We can always come back in a few months. Or longer…” he trailed off and I could tell that it was painful for him to imagine being away from his pack. He could never tell them also. He would leave no clues in anyone's mind. He was thorough. 

“You need to return. I’ll miss you both every minute of every day,” she said and with that comment, she was accepting what Jake proposed. Did I accept it? I felt dizzy and sick, jarred with this plan; the extremeness of it. But was it extreme? I felt a chill of dread spread over me. The concept of not seeing my parents again was impossibly foreign. I would never ever accept that. Nothing on earth could keep me from them forever. Unless…

“I couldn't bear it, knowing that something will happen to you.” I moaned and launched myself into my mother's arms. She stroked my hair and I could feel that there was a tremble in her touch. 

“We have Alice. We have your father,” she said and I could tell in her voice that she was worried about my safety too. It was this that convinced her that she had to let me go for now. And wouldn't I go eventually? Out into the world for the first time on my own without my parents? It was a growing pain that I wasn't prepared for. But I looked back at Jake and realized that I would forever go wherever he went. Our life together stretched out and wound away from my parents. We would always be reunited again and again as long as we lived. But for the first time, I also accepted that we would also be apart. But I wouldn't stay away for more than a year at a time. I didn't even know how I would handle a month. I’d have to talk to Jake when we were alone. 

“Bells. I've known that you've always feared this was a reality. I found the backpack in my room. I bet Edward doesn't even know you put it there.” My mother stared at him solemnly saying nothing. 

“Is it with you?” She asked her voice catching. 

“Yes. I have everything,” he said and glanced at me pointedly. And I saw that he thought that he had everything, _except_ me, but he soon would. “We’ll go south. I'll find Zafrina,” he assured her. 

“You realize that eventually your pack will know what you're up to because you share thoughts in your wolf form,” my mother said. Jake sighed. “I've left my pack. They can't hear me anymore,” and I felt my eyes tear up as I heard the heartbreak in his voice. I took his hand and squeezed it. 

We really were alone now. We would be leaving everyone who could read our thoughts behind. 

“When you come back, they’ll be waiting for you. I'll tell them you're going away with Ness, the same story I'll tell Edward. After all I am taking acting lessons.” Her voice fell flat and I knew that her heart was broken. I couldn't bear it. 

“You'll have more than enough money to buy anything you could need. I added some more,” she said. Then she approached me and pulled me into a hug. 

“I refuse to say goodbye. This is temporary. I'll tell myself every minute of every day,” she managed in a rough voice. 

“So will I,” I said, feeling my voice break as well. “And we will reach out to you like Jake said,” I confirmed. 

“I love you, Mom,” I said bravely, I drew my strength from Jake. He was always my rock. 

“I love you more than my own life. At my wedding, I said what you just said to my own mother, also in goodbye. Why must I repeat this this way?” she said in a whisper. 

“Temporary,” Jake breathed behind us. 

“You need to go before Edward comes back,” said my mother pulling away. I could see the desolation in her eyes but she already was pushing the emotion down. I felt dizzy and punch-drunk. Jake was razor focused on the mission. In a matter of moments, he grabbed the only things in my room he knew mattered at all to me. My locket from my parents, my iPod from my father, my promise bracelet from Jake, and a book of photos. I wouldn't need much clothes, I knew that. I also had some stuff at Jake's house. I pulled a coat from my closet and a hat. I grabbed some hiking boots, some sneakers, and slipped into my tevas. It was still warm out, and I wouldn't need my coat long where we were going. But I knew that it could still be cold at night. I would have my warm werewolf always. Jake snagged a bag and easily fit everything into it. I tucked a very soft cashmere blanket my parents bought me for my birthday under my arm. My mother reached into the closet and extracted the most beautiful blue blouse I have ever owned. I only wore it for special occasions. I wouldn't need it where I was going, but she knew it was my favorite. I took it in my hand. I was barely holding on. 

“Go, I love you,” she said then turned to Jake and said, “Take care of her.” Jake easily wound me into his arms, and startled me then jumped cleanly out the window, my whispered goodbye fell from my lips and faded into the night. 

Jake flew through the forest in his wolf form. He wanted to miss my father. I broke down realizing I never had a chance to tell him goodbye. My thoughts were never safe like my mother's. I wondered if my mother was casting a shield over us to continue to protect our thoughts as we ran away. I thought that she was. I still couldn't believe this was actually happening, was I only relaxing in my bed half an hour ago? My heart continued to break because realized I wouldn't see my grandfathers, grandmother, or my aunts and uncles. I wouldn't see the pack. I would miss all of them terribly and there was nothing I could do. And Jake cut ties with them as well, all for me. I think my heart broke the most for him. I felt Jake quietly humming a strange tuneless sound from his throat that made his body rumble. It sounded like a whisper, a sigh, and a song combined. I knew he was trying to comfort me. Always putting my needs first. 

In less than no time at all, we reached his father's house. A small cute house and garage that were nestled in the trees of the La Push reservation. I'd always enjoyed coming here because it felt so relaxed and free; a sanctuary for just the two of us and occasionally a cheery Billy inside, still moving around in his wheelchair. He was getting older, and I knew Jake worried about him. I also knew that while we were gone, my parents would make sure he was taken care of. I knew he was asleep now and we would not wake him. Jake wasn't going inside; he was heading for the garage. I didn't know why we were here. He stopped and lowered himself to the ground. Gently he set me down and moved behind the garage to phase. I continued to weep and he was back in a minute, cradling me in his arms. 

“I'm sorry. I never wanted this,” he said kissing my hair. 

“Why are we here?” I managed. 

“I know you needed a couple minutes,” he said quietly. He really didn't know what I needed. I didn't know myself. I tried to stem the flow and I knew that Jake was agonized with this. It's why I tried to avoid crying at all costs. 

“I've got you; I'll never leave you,” he said solemnly and hugged me and I knew without a doubt it was true. He nuzzled my face and I felt tears on his face as well. This twisted my stomach because he never did this. He only did once when Aunt Alice threw us a fake prom and I came out in my dress. We danced on a dance floor surrounded by twinkle lights under the stars. Dad played piano for us. Jake told me I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen with watery eyes. The memory of this helped me get a hold of myself. My family was still mine; I was just going away for a while. I had to maintain that mindset. I looked up and kissed his teary cheek. He looked back at me looking vulnerable, and my heart ached for him. I wiped his other tears away and kissed his mouth gently. For the first time Jake and I were also completely alone. We would never need to hide our love. Anything at all, now that our thoughts were safe. The warmth in me reared up suddenly as I stared into his pained beautiful eyes, he stunned me and made me catch my breath. I felt his arms around me, my skin felt hot where he touched. And then somehow, I was kissed him again, passionately without deciding to consciously. At first, he kissed me back cautiously, still crying quietly. After a moment he stopped, processing my level of desperation. I didn't really give in to this sort of thing ever. I hadn't felt ready for this level of intimacy yet. He was unprepared for this. I could feel him hold back and then eventually completely let go, kissing me like his life depended on it. Maybe it did. I sat in his lap and ran my fingers through his hair. He clutched my lower back. My throat felt hot and dry as I pushed him down to the ground. He was surprised and lay there staring blankly up at me. He didn't say anything though. He stared at me beseechingly, and I knew that he would do anything at all that I asked for. He would comfort me. He would sleep next to me. He would kiss me. And for the first time in my life I wondered if he would sleep _with_ me. I stared at him, panting, and I suddenly was aware of how nervous he was. His heart was pounding under his T-shirt. He was shaking slightly, but not in the way he would to phase. He stared into my eyes, frozen. I wiped his face for him again gently. "No more tears," I said gently, then kissed his cheek. I reached down and lifted his shirt slightly. He continued to blink, simply stunned. Maybe he imagined this a hundred times. A thousand times. Daydreams and real dreams. And I was finally being more intimate with him in reality.

“Ness,” he groaned, in slight protest, as he understood, concern in his glittering eyes. 

“No,” I whispered, and managed to pull his shirt over his head. He tried to sit up and I pushed him firmly back down. And I think this shocked him more than ever, his mouth popped open. 

“Ness I...” I leaned down and kissed his ear. 

“Shhh, baby. It's fine.” I said in a whisper. I rarely ever called him that. He tensed. “Are you okay?” ..._with sex_. I asked him, knowing he knew what I meant. I was stunned I was saying any of this. But I felt a hunger I never possessed before. He couldn't speak, he lay perfectly still, his eyes inches from mine. I saw the desire there, and the anxiety. He didn't say no though. I dipped down and kissed down his throat and moved to his chest. I traced the planes of his chest marveling his beautiful golden skin. He was so beautiful. I felt him tremble slightly. I wanted to calm him, and excite him even more. With my lower body I ground myself against him with a lust that I never did before. He gasped aloud. Maybe I always knew I'd eventually seduce him. He certainly never would pressure me in the slightest or make any sort of move like this. I sort of liked that I was doing it. That I was assuring him for once. That he was so vulnerable and trusting of me. I felt him beneath me and I knew he wanted this. His body did. He just needed to disconnect his mind. Let himself feel. I wanted to help him try. For the first time in my life I touched him gently through his shorts and he jumped. I moved back up to him and kissed his lips. He answering kiss was cautious. I wound my fingers through his and I lifted his hand and guided it to my chest. I eased his hand on me letting him touch me. After a minute he let himself explore me more freely. He was gentle. I could tell he was really turned on by me now. There was a need in his eyes now. 

I pulled my own shirt off revealing my bra, knowing he wouldn't do it. He gazed at me and I was surprised I didn't feel self-conscious. In the back of my mind, I processed that this was the first time he’d ever gone this far with anyone. Sure, he kissed people before, but never did he get naked or have sex. Either kind of it. I didn't know if I should be naked yet. I didn't know what I was doing. I was a virgin as well. I'd only ever kissed Jake or held his hand. Not much else. But I saw this in movies. It seemed to be going alright so far. 

“I'm going to try something, stop me if you want me to, okay?” I said and he gulped. I think he knew what I was going to do. He sat up, holding me so I wouldn't fall. 

“Ness, I don't expect anything, really. We can stop, this is a lot,” he said in a small voice I did not recognize. Afraid. 

“I want to,” I said.

“But you're emotional, it’s not...” I kissed him to stop him. His anxiety was ruining this for him. 

“Jake, it’s going to feel amazing. I want you, I want to do this,” I said and I knew this, more than anything at all surprised him. “Don't you want it?” I asked him, brought up short and for the first time I felt self-conscious. Maybe he wasn't ready to be naked with me and I was moving too fast for him. 

“Yeah, of course I do,” he moaned, I knew how badly he wanted me. “I love you,” he told me and it sounded like he was overcome with the power and truth of it. 

“I'm okay with all of it, I love you." I said, finally confirming for him how far I would take this. He swallowed again, overwhelmed. 

“I want you to be okay,” he said reaching out and stroked my face, his hand steadier than before. "Okay, we'll take it slow, no need to rush," I said kissing his jaw. He still looked at me looking slightly reluctant. "Yeah… Yeah, I'd prefer that," he said sounding a bit relieved. But I wanted to do more tonight.

“Could you lie back and relax for me?" I said in my first attempt at a seductive voice. His eyes popped. He hesitated for the last time studying my expression, confirming that I was serious. We were running away together, starting our lives independently, the world our oyster, and his expression changed finally. He was letting go. And I knew then, we were lovers. 

“Okay babe” he answered his voice warm, sensual. He kissed me. Then he did it, lying back slowly, nestling down on the floor. Giving himself to me, unreserved. His body relaxed under me. I finally got what I wanted. 

I began kissing his ear, gentle and slowly. He moaned, this turning him on greatly. I kissed down his neck and to his chest. I felt goosebumps on him. I kissed deliberately down to his naval and I felt his anticipation in his body. When I reached his shorts, I stroked the waistband.

"Is it okay if I keep going? If I take these off?" I asked quietly. There was a pause. 

"Yes..." he said sounding slightly anxious. 

"I can wait if you're nervous, we don't have to do this," Jake shook his head. “It’s just a big moment for me is all,” he admitted. 

“Me too, I love you. And finally, I get to love all of you...” I said, feeling my cheeks blush. Jacob smiled. 

“Please,” he said and closed his eyes. I tugged them down slowly, hooking them off him. He lay stock still. I sighed. His eyes snapped open, looking vulnerable. 

“You’re so beautiful,” I said, marveling at his beauty, just like every other part of him. And he was mine forever. I stroked him softly and he shivered in pleasure. 

“Ohh...” he moaned. 

“That’s right,” I said, seductively and leaned down to kiss his belly button. Then down to his happy trail gently. Savoring each moment. Then I gently connected my mouth to him, he was very turned on to me. He jerked and again, moaned in pleasure. 

“That feels…. oh...so good.” he managed. I continued, experimenting with different motions. 

His moans put me over the edge. Trembling with pleasure, gripping the ground with his hands. “Oh God…” he moaned. “Oh my God…” it was weak with pleasure. I ran my hands lightly over his legs savoring the goose bumps. His inner thigh was so sensitive. And other parts too. He was extraordinary. Just like the rest of him. 

“Still okay?” I asked gently, disconnecting from him.

"Yes...” he moaned so weak. “I love you Ness,” and his voice sounded thick. I stroked his stomach, comforting his sudden wave of emotion. 

"I love you baby,” I crooned. Then I moved back to him. I knew when he was close, I could tell. His breathing was ragged. 

“I'm… I'm…” he gasped. I knew. I sent him a thought, because I couldn't disconnect from him at this point. _Come for me_. His voice caught. Then he climaxed, gasping and shaking. After a few moments, he relaxed back. “Ohh,” he moaned letting out his breath. “Ness...Ness,” he whispered. I disengaged and kissed his stomach gently. “That was so good. Oh my God,” he whispered. I pulled myself higher so I was laying on his chest and stroked his hair. He wound his arms around me. “Do you want...?” He asked gently, referring to pleasure for me. 

“No, not tonight,” realizing how true it was. And how it was better to slow down. We had enough time, eternity. And he obviously was concerned about the speed as well. “Why don't we rest for a few minutes. Not too many. I know we can't linger long just a few minutes…” I said gently. I could tell the emotions of it had drained him. I reached down and pulled his shorts up. Then I brushed my watch setting 20 minutes of rest time. “Close your eyes, I love you." I said gently stroking his chest. He blinked sleepily. I nestled into his arms and he was welcoming of my desire to doze. “I love you,” he breathed. He fell asleep in moments. More exhausted than I realized. And our world changed forever. It was a moment of bliss right in the middle of hell. I drifted off welcoming the oblivion even just for a few minutes, in my boyfriend’s arms. 

_ Alice- Tears Chapter 7 _

Alice disengaged gently from Jasper though his lips lingered on her throat. He met her gaze and registered the change.

“What?” he murmured. It was hard to break away from him. His body and his gentleness, his soft golden eyes enveloped her and transferred her to a place of deep calm. Bliss. But now it was interrupted. She blinked and saw the image still as plain as day. Edward and herself racing across the snow toward a blurred figure. A vampire, blonde with red eyes; a woman. And in the middle of the field a boy, also blonde with glasses...and she snapped his neck. He was human. She blinked and it faded. 

“A vision, something terrible. A vampire murdering someone,” she whispered. Jasper looked concerned. 

“Anyone we know?” he asked stroking her face. This prolonged her desire for him. Her breath caught and he realized. Suddenly the feeling cooled. She arched an eyebrow. “I know, I cheated,” he admitted. Jasper was an empath that could alter emotions. 

“We might, we were there, trying to save him,” she said getting up and pulling on her clothes.

“Where?” he said, doing the same. 

“NH, I think. I’m going to find Edward,” she said. He knew he was not to come automatically.

“I’ll gather the others,” he said. She leaned forward and kissed him passionately, not liking to be interrupted. He held her tightly then disengaged again. “I love you,” he whispered. Alice froze, suddenly assaulted with a second vision. Edward in the woods looking like he was crying, dry sobs. Vampires couldn’t make tears. She froze on this image. The two visions were minutes apart. They had to be connected. 

“Edward,” she said voice catching. So, she was right, something was up over there tonight. Jasper felt her despair. 

“Is he alright?” he said sharply. 

“Yes and no, he’s upset right now, I’m going. I’ll call when I know more,” she flitted to the door and glanced back. “I love you, Jaz,” she said then moved to the open window in the corridor and jumped out into the night. 

…

“Edward?” she called quietly. He should be close to here. She heard gasps ahead and moved closer slowly. She had another short vision of her comforting him. She entered the clearing and saw him clutching a tree for support. She was stunned by how vulnerable he looked. 

“Alice,” he breathed not looking up, knowing her thoughts. _What happened? s_he thought. He shook his head, looking anguished. She came forward and moved close to him. He was shaking. She then gently reached forward to pull him into a hug. He let her and hugged her back. 

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “Whatever it is we’ll deal with it. Is it Bella?” she asked, mouth suddenly dry. 

“No,” he moaned. She only knew of him crying one other time, when he left Bella the year before marrying her. She comforted him that time too. 

“Honey?” came a new voice in the clearing. It was Bella. She flitted next to them, looking anguished seeing her husband cry, even though there were no tears. Alice thought about Jasper. When he did, her heart broke into a million pieces. “Oh honey, come here,” she said gently reaching for him. Alice passed him to her and she hugged him. “It’s okay,” She crooned. “I know honey, I know,” she said quietly. Edward made another sob. “Shhh,” she said quietly. So, she knew then. Alice exchanged a look with her over his shoulder. She nodded confirming she would tell her. He continued to cry tearless cries quietly and she kissed his hair. “Let’s go inside baby,” she said gently. 

She let go and led him by his hand. They went inside and Alice followed. They sat on the couch and Bella held him close to her. He wasn’t crying anymore, but he still looked upset. What could hurt him so badly? She knew then. 

“Ness?” she said. Bella nodded gravely. “Where is she?” she breathed. Bella looked pained. 

“She left with Jacob. They didn’t explain.” She said, eyes not quite honest. Alice directed her thoughts away, understanding.

“And they didn’t say goodbye to you?” she asked Edward gently. He shook his head, eyes shut. “Edward, I’m so sorry. They will be back, they won’t stay away forever,” she said consolingly. 

“What if the Volturi track them? You can’t see them. We may never know,” he moaned, covering his face. She shuddered at the thought. 

“I’m sure they will check in,” said Bella, and Alice relaxed, knowing it must be true. She moved her thoughts away again immediately. 

“I came to discuss something with you, “she said feeling bad that it was so inopportune. Edward looked up questioningly. Alice let the vision flood her mind, remembering the details. Edward froze. Bella felt this and looked alarmed. 

“A vision?” she asked. Alice nodded. “The Volturi?” she whispered. 

“No... well, I don’t think. But it’s at the college, I think. A human you know is in grave danger from one of us.” Bella froze too. 

“A vampire? Who’s in trouble?” she whispered. 

“Simon.” Edward breathed, seeing him in Alice’s thoughts. “But why now?” He asked as Bella looked sick. 

“Something triggered this…” Alice murmured. “What’s changed?” 

Bella gasped. “One thing. Jake...Ness. They are blind spots, maybe by leaving, you are learning something that would have happened anyway,” she breathed. 

“Or maybe,” Edward mused, “them leaving is why it’s happening. And the decision to leave triggered this future.” 

“We can’t know either way,” said Bella anxiously. “What can we do now?” she asked. 

“Well,” Alice said quietly. “If we go, we won’t be successful. I saw it,” she frowned. 

“No...” Bella said. “No, it can’t be…”

“Maybe getting Jake back...is our best chance left of saving him,” Edward said looking at Bella. She looked torn. She obviously wanted her daughter to be safe. But the death of a friend…

“I don’t know what head start they got, but we better start with La Push. Why don’t you and Alice follow the trail and I’ll wait behind in case they come back or a phone call.” Bella said. 

They were on their feet in a flash. 

“On it,” Edward said and he flew out the door, Alice was at his heels. They flew through the dark forest like wraiths, animals stilling in fear at their approach. They made more noise than usual, crashing through the brush without delay, following the blissfully fresh scent. 

“It’s headed toward the line,” Edward said. Alice could hear him clearly. They angled themselves and crossed it. The treaty allowed safe passage now that the families were merged. The scent lead to Billy’s. They must have stopped Alice thought. As they came up on it, she registered heartbeats. Maybe Edward did, but didn’t interpret it as fast as she did. 

“Stop!” she called in vain. He made it a bit farther then froze. Jacob’s thoughts must have been extremely vivid. Edward choked. “Go, I’ll bring them back,” Alice told him wide eyed. He blinked, face blank, then turned and hurried away. Alice knew what the quickened heartbeats meant. They were being intimate. She didn’t think much of it. They were of age and chose to be safely away. Probably on their way to Mexico in the morning. No crime in this. She moved back so she could barely hear them and settled in to wait. She heard the heartbeats slow and waited ten more minutes. Then she approached. She heard Jake say _I love you_. Her dead heart warmed. She always liked Jacob, and approved of him for Ness. Despite Edward’s thoughts. He probably wouldn’t like anyone for his daughter. She moved up to the garage and called his name. A moment later he appeared looking surprised. 

“Alice, what’s going on?” he said blankly, cheeks still flaming from his passion.

“Something bad has happened. I know you were leaving but you need to come back. It’s urgent,” Her face was pinched in fear. Jacob read it then nodded, recognizing it meant a vision and a serious situation. She was sure. Because her night disappeared. They were coming back. He went back and he whispered to Ness, then reappeared carrying her. 

“Back to Edward’s?” he asked. 

“Yes,” She said and they left at werewolf speed. In between human and vampire when he was in human form. He must have been curious but bit his tongue. Maybe he didn’t want to accidentally wake Ness, who still seemed a bit out of it. When they got back to the house was lit, and Alice could tell everyone was there. They went through the front door and stopped. Edward and Bella were on the couch and stood up immediately. Edward still seemed a bit out of it, upset by what he heard. 

_Edward, you knew this would be someday. She’s careful and he loves her. Plus, they tried to be alone. It’s not wrong of them._ She said to him mentally. Edward looked at her but said nothing._ I know you waited until marriage but they are from this century, they make their own choices. Jake’s already married in his mind._ His mouth twisted and she stopped communicating with him about it. Then he looked at the door as Jake came in holding Ness. She stirred and looked around. Her surprised expression so reminded her of Bella. The same chocolate eyes. 

“Oh!” she said. 

Jake whispered, “I know, they are about to explain,” and set her down. Edward stepped forward his face pained. Ness looked at her father and her eyes filled with tears. Then she ran into his arms. He hugged her tightly. His voice caught once more. 

“I can’t believe you were almost gone,” he murmured. 

“I’m sorry daddy,” she replied. “I didn’t want to,” she said, voice thick.

“I know,” he said and gently pulled away. Jake came up looking guilty. Edward stared at him, face a mask. 

“Sorry, I felt like I had to do something to keep her safe, what with all the uncertainty lately.” he said. Edward patted his shoulder, obviously putting aside his other resentment for the time being. 

“I'm sorry too, I know the sacrifice was big,” he said. 

“Why are we back?” asked Ness of the room. Everyone exchanged a look. They didn’t want her to know about the death. 

“A vampire is going to attack Dartmouth, I had a vision,” she said. Ness looked alarmed. “We want to go back to protect your friends,” she continued. 

“Simon and Bram?” she asked “Are they in danger?” Alice nodded. “When do we leave?” she asked her parents. 

“We don’t have an exact time frame,” Edward said. Bella moved to Ness’s side and held out one of her jackets and tossed Jake a sweatshirt. He still had his backpack. 

“See you at the big house,” Alice said, and raced back into the night, probing mentally for more details. At the house she sat with Jasper and talked about how the visions had stopped. 

“Now that Jake and Ness are back, maybe a blind spot is too. Search for the woman if you can,” he encouraged. She tried but got nothing. A supportive warmth filled her. Jasper was trying to comfort her. 

“Thanks,” she mouthed. Rosalie and Emmett were then back. Carlisle and Esme on their heels. 

“What’s up Edward?” Emmett said when Edward also came through the door, hair shiny with an evening drizzle. 

“A vampire will likely attack our human friends in New Hampshire. We want to stop her before she can attack the school. Especially because she likely will have tracked our scent in.”

“Do you think she is Volturi?” Esme asked. 

“Not sure,” Alice said heavily. 

“One vamp? No problem,” Emmett said bored. 

“It’s a public place. It will require discretion,” Carlisle reminded him. 

“Are we going to go tonight?” He asked Edward. 

“I suppose we need to check flights,” he replied. 

“What’s the plan?” Rosalie asked. 

“They don’t know you, so it’s better if you protect the perimeter and we go in,” Edward said. “We have reason to be more concerned about Simon,” he added glancing anxiously at Ness. She looked horrified, not knowing this before. “Together we can contain this. We just need to watch for more, especially the Volturi,” he continued. Alice noticed that Bella had gone to her phone when Edward mentioned flights. 

“The soonest flight is at ten AM and I just got the tickets; one for each of us,” she said suddenly. 

“Then you guys should get some rest,” Carlisle said to Jake and Ness. 

“I don’t think I could sleep,” Ness said in a burdened voice.

“You guys could stay in our room,” Alice offered. Edward went rigid. Jacob blinked. As a general rule, they never slept together. Ness exchanged a look with her aunt, confused but also a warning look not to reveal anything. Alice nodded, instantly redirecting her thoughts. 

“Alright, thanks. Goodnight everyone,” Ness said, taking Jake’s hand and pulling him to the stairs. Jake went along but looked surprised, staring at Alice. Alice chastised Edward mentally for looking sour. 

“I didn’t want them far,” she said. He nodded, conceding to that. Bella was perceptive. Her eyes flicked to Alice. Alice tilted her head and Bella noticed Edward’s grouchy expression. Alice nodded. _Yes, they are intimate now._ She thought even though Bella couldn’t hear her. Bella didn’t look unhappy. Just concerned for Edward. She was taking it well. Maybe because she was closer to her daughter, and remembered how she felt at her age. Edward should leave tonight just in case, she thought. Alice raised an eyebrow at him and he sighed. 

“Let’s go home tonight,” he said to Bella. She smiled, took his hand and went with him into the night. 


	7. Tears

_ Alice- Tears Chapter 7 _

Alice disengaged gently from Jasper though his lips lingered on her throat. He met her gaze and registered the change.

“What?” he murmured. It was hard to break away from him. His body and his gentleness, his soft golden eyes enveloped her and transferred her to a place of deep calm. Bliss. But now it was interrupted. She blinked and saw the image still as plain as day. Edward and herself racing across the snow toward a blurred figure. A vampire, blonde with red eyes; a woman. And in the middle of the field a boy, also blonde with glasses...and she snapped his neck. He was human. She blinked and it faded. 

“A vision, something terrible. A vampire murdering someone,” she whispered. Jasper looked concerned. 

“Anyone we know?” he asked stroking her face. This prolonged her desire for him. Her breath caught and he realized. Suddenly the feeling cooled. She arched an eyebrow. “I know, I cheated,” he admitted. Jasper was an empath that could alter emotions. 

“We might, we were there, trying to save him,” she said getting up and pulling on her clothes.

“Where?” he said, doing the same. 

“NH, I think. I’m going to find Edward,” she said. He knew he was not to come automatically.

“I’ll gather the others,” he said. She leaned forward and kissed him passionately, not liking to be interrupted. He held her tightly then disengaged again. “I love you,” he whispered. Alice froze, suddenly assaulted with a second vision. Edward in the woods looking like he was crying, dry sobs. Vampires couldn’t make tears. She froze on this image. The two visions were minutes apart. They had to be connected. 

“Edward,” she said voice catching. So, she was right, something was up over there tonight. Jasper felt her despair. 

“Is he alright?” he said sharply. 

“Yes and no, he’s upset right now, I’m going. I’ll call when I know more,” she flitted to the door and glanced back. “I love you, Jaz,” she said then moved to the open window in the corridor and jumped out into the night. 

…

“Edward?” she called quietly. He should be close to here. She heard gasps ahead and moved closer slowly. She had another short vision of her comforting him. She entered the clearing and saw him clutching a tree for support. She was stunned by how vulnerable he looked. 

“Alice,” he breathed not looking up, knowing her thoughts. _What happened? s_he thought. He shook his head, looking anguished. She came forward and moved close to him. He was shaking. She then gently reached forward to pull him into a hug. He let her and hugged her back. 

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “Whatever it is we’ll deal with it. Is it Bella?” she asked, mouth suddenly dry. 

“No,” he moaned. She only knew of him crying one other time, when he left Bella the year before marrying her. She comforted him that time too. 

“Honey?” came a new voice in the clearing. It was Bella. She flitted next to them, looking anguished seeing her husband cry, even though there were no tears. Alice thought about Jasper. When he did, her heart broke into a million pieces. “Oh honey, come here,” she said gently reaching for him. Alice passed him to her and she hugged him. “It’s okay,” She crooned. “I know honey, I know,” she said quietly. Edward made another sob. “Shhh,” she said quietly. So, she knew then. Alice exchanged a look with her over his shoulder. She nodded confirming she would tell her. He continued to cry tearless cries quietly and she kissed his hair. “Let’s go inside baby,” she said gently. 

She let go and led him by his hand. They went inside and Alice followed. They sat on the couch and Bella held him close to her. He wasn’t crying anymore, but he still looked upset. What could hurt him so badly? She knew then. 

“Ness?” she said. Bella nodded gravely. “Where is she?” she breathed. Bella looked pained. 

“She left with Jacob. They didn’t explain.” She said, eyes not quite honest. Alice directed her thoughts away, understanding.

“And they didn’t say goodbye to you?” she asked Edward gently. He shook his head, eyes shut. “Edward, I’m so sorry. They will be back, they won’t stay away forever,” she said consolingly. 

“What if the Volturi track them? You can’t see them. We may never know,” he moaned, covering his face. She shuddered at the thought. 

“I’m sure they will check in,” said Bella, and Alice relaxed, knowing it must be true. She moved her thoughts away again immediately. 

“I came to discuss something with you, “she said feeling bad that it was so inopportune. Edward looked up questioningly. Alice let the vision flood her mind, remembering the details. Edward froze. Bella felt this and looked alarmed. 

“A vision?” she asked. Alice nodded. “The Volturi?” she whispered. 

“No... well, I don’t think. But it’s at the college, I think. A human you know is in grave danger from one of us.” Bella froze too. 

“A vampire? Who’s in trouble?” she whispered. 

“Simon.” Edward breathed, seeing him in Alice’s thoughts. “But why now?” He asked as Bella looked sick. 

“Something triggered this…” Alice murmured. “What’s changed?” 

Bella gasped. “One thing. Jake...Ness. They are blind spots, maybe by leaving, you are learning something that would have happened anyway,” she breathed. 

“Or maybe,” Edward mused, “them leaving is why it’s happening. And the decision to leave triggered this future.” 

“We can’t know either way,” said Bella anxiously. “What can we do now?” she asked. 

“Well,” Alice said quietly. “If we go, we won’t be successful. I saw it,” she frowned. 

“No...” Bella said. “No, it can’t be…”

“Maybe getting Jake back...is our best chance left of saving him,” Edward said looking at Bella. She looked torn. She obviously wanted her daughter to be safe. But the death of a friend…

“I don’t know what head start they got, but we better start with La Push. Why don’t you and Alice follow the trail and I’ll wait behind in case they come back or a phone call.” Bella said. 

They were on their feet in a flash. 

“On it,” Edward said and he flew out the door, Alice was at his heels. They flew through the dark forest like wraiths, animals stilling in fear at their approach. They made more noise than usual, crashing through the brush without delay, following the blissfully fresh scent. 

“It’s headed toward the line,” Edward said. Alice could hear him clearly. They angled themselves and crossed it. The treaty allowed safe passage now that the families were merged. The scent lead to Billy’s. They must have stopped Alice thought. As they came up on it, she registered heartbeats. Maybe Edward did, but didn’t interpret it as fast as she did. 

“Stop!” she called in vain. He made it a bit farther then froze. Jacob’s thoughts must have been extremely vivid. Edward choked. “Go, I’ll bring them back,” Alice told him wide eyed. He blinked, face blank, then turned and hurried away. Alice knew what the quickened heartbeats meant. They were being intimate. She didn’t think much of it. They were of age and chose to be safely away. Probably on their way to Mexico in the morning. No crime in this. She moved back so she could barely hear them and settled in to wait. She heard the heartbeats slow and waited ten more minutes. Then she approached. She heard Jake say _I love you_. Her dead heart warmed. She always liked Jacob, and approved of him for Ness. Despite Edward’s thoughts. He probably wouldn’t like anyone for his daughter. She moved up to the garage and called his name. A moment later he appeared looking surprised. 

“Alice, what’s going on?” he said blankly, cheeks still flaming from his passion.

“Something bad has happened. I know you were leaving but you need to come back. It’s urgent,” Her face was pinched in fear. Jacob read it then nodded, recognizing it meant a vision and a serious situation. She was sure. Because her night disappeared. They were coming back. He went back and he whispered to Ness, then reappeared carrying her. 

“Back to Edward’s?” he asked. 

“Yes,” She said and they left at werewolf speed. In between human and vampire when he was in human form. He must have been curious but bit his tongue. Maybe he didn’t want to accidentally wake Ness, who still seemed a bit out of it. When they got back to the house was lit, and Alice could tell everyone was there. They went through the front door and stopped. Edward and Bella were on the couch and stood up immediately. Edward still seemed a bit out of it, upset by what he heard. 

_Edward, you knew this would be someday. She’s careful and he loves her. Plus, they tried to be alone. It’s not wrong of them._ She said to him mentally. Edward looked at her but said nothing._ I know you waited until marriage but they are from this century, they make their own choices. Jake’s already married in his mind._ His mouth twisted and she stopped communicating with him about it. Then he looked at the door as Jake came in holding Ness. She stirred and looked around. Her surprised expression so reminded her of Bella. The same chocolate eyes. 

“Oh!” she said. 

Jake whispered, “I know, they are about to explain,” and set her down. Edward stepped forward his face pained. Ness looked at her father and her eyes filled with tears. Then she ran into his arms. He hugged her tightly. His voice caught once more. 

“I can’t believe you were almost gone,” he murmured. 

“I’m sorry daddy,” she replied. “I didn’t want to,” she said, voice thick.

“I know,” he said and gently pulled away. Jake came up looking guilty. Edward stared at him, face a mask. 

“Sorry, I felt like I had to do something to keep her safe, what with all the uncertainty lately.” he said. Edward patted his shoulder, obviously putting aside his other resentment for the time being. 

“I'm sorry too, I know the sacrifice was big,” he said. 

“Why are we back?” asked Ness of the room. Everyone exchanged a look. They didn’t want her to know about the death. 

“A vampire is going to attack Dartmouth, I had a vision,” she said. Ness looked alarmed. “We want to go back to protect your friends,” she continued. 

“Simon and Bram?” she asked “Are they in danger?” Alice nodded. “When do we leave?” she asked her parents. 

“We don’t have an exact time frame,” Edward said. Bella moved to Ness’s side and held out one of her jackets and tossed Jake a sweatshirt. He still had his backpack. 

“See you at the big house,” Alice said, and raced back into the night, probing mentally for more details. At the house she sat with Jasper and talked about how the visions had stopped. 

“Now that Jake and Ness are back, maybe a blind spot is too. Search for the woman if you can,” he encouraged. She tried but got nothing. A supportive warmth filled her. Jasper was trying to comfort her. 

“Thanks,” she mouthed. Rosalie and Emmett were then back. Carlisle and Esme on their heels. 

“What’s up Edward?” Emmett said when Edward also came through the door, hair shiny with an evening drizzle. 

“A vampire will likely attack our human friends in New Hampshire. We want to stop her before she can attack the school. Especially because she likely will have tracked our scent in.”

“Do you think she is Volturi?” Esme asked. 

“Not sure,” Alice said heavily. 

“One vamp? No problem,” Emmett said bored. 

“It’s a public place. It will require discretion,” Carlisle reminded him. 

“Are we going to go tonight?” He asked Edward. 

“I suppose we need to check flights,” he replied. 

“What’s the plan?” Rosalie asked. 

“They don’t know you, so it’s better if you protect the perimeter and we go in,” Edward said. “We have reason to be more concerned about Simon,” he added glancing anxiously at Ness. She looked horrified, not knowing this before. “Together we can contain this. We just need to watch for more, especially the Volturi,” he continued. Alice noticed that Bella had gone to her phone when Edward mentioned flights. 

“The soonest flight is at ten AM and I just got the tickets; one for each of us,” she said suddenly. 

“Then you guys should get some rest,” Carlisle said to Jake and Ness. 

“I don’t think I could sleep,” Ness said in a burdened voice.

“You guys could stay in our room,” Alice offered. Edward went rigid. Jacob blinked. As a general rule, they never slept together. Ness exchanged a look with her aunt, confused but also a warning look not to reveal anything. Alice nodded, instantly redirecting her thoughts. 

“Alright, thanks. Goodnight everyone,” Ness said, taking Jake’s hand and pulling him to the stairs. Jake went along but looked surprised, staring at Alice. Alice chastised Edward mentally for looking sour. 

“I didn’t want them far,” she said. He nodded, conceding to that. Bella was perceptive. Her eyes flicked to Alice. Alice tilted her head and Bella noticed Edward’s grouchy expression. Alice nodded. _Yes, they are intimate now._ She thought even though Bella couldn’t hear her. Bella didn’t look unhappy. Just concerned for Edward. She was taking it well. Maybe because she was closer to her daughter, and remembered how she felt at her age. Edward should leave tonight just in case, she thought. Alice raised an eyebrow at him and he sighed. 

“Let’s go home tonight,” he said to Bella. She smiled, took his hand and went with him into the night. 


	8. Welded

_ Jake- Welded -Chapter 8 _

It smelled strongly of vampire in Alice’s room, but it was long since I got used to that smell. I was already on my way to nose blind. I knew I was supposed to be worried, but delicious memories from that night kept tickling me and making my chest hum with warmth. Ness in my arms. The taste of her. The feel of her touching me. My thoughts turned to the bliss of my first sexual encounter with her. There was no sour note. It felt so amazingly good. And she was so loving with me. Better than I ever could have imagined. Already, I wanted more, but I wouldn’t dare pressure her tonight. This had already been such a huge jump. I gulped, feeling uneasy suddenly. What were the expectations now? We never discussed it. It wasn’t the time though. Ness shut the door but didn’t turn on a light. Our vision was excellent, being supernatural beings. 

She moved to me and hugged me, caressing my chest. I never did pull on a shirt. Maybe her thoughts were similar to mine. “Jake,” she whispered and I heard it there in her voice. Lust. I lifted her up to kiss her on the mouth, not thinking. She wrapped her arms around my neck then her legs around my stomach. I moved to the wall and pressed her against it. She gasped and started kissing my neck. She lowered herself so she could grind her body into me, and I felt an incredible warmth radiate from the point of contact. She clutched my shoulders and pressed herself against me so I could feel her fluttering heartbeat. I carried her to the bed and laid her down. I held myself over her, kissing her passionately and threading my fingers in her sweet soft hair. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She smelled of roses and baby’s breath. I paused suddenly aware that everyone in the house could probably hear us. 

“This may be too loud,” I whispered. 

“I can’t stop. They will let us be. I heard my parent’s leave,” she said then pulled me in closer to kiss my mouth again. I thought about earlier and realized what should happen this time. It was time for me to try to pleasure her. My stomach squirmed. I never had before, and this was the love of my life. And I wanted to reciprocate. I gulped. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too awful for her. I blushed, but she didn’t notice, eyes closed. I kissed her forehead and then started to kiss downward deliberately. I kissed her neck and her chest. She touched my arm. 

“You can take off my clothes Jake,” she said with a seductive smile. My heart stuttered. _Alllright_, I thought. I gently tugged her shirt up and she helped me pull it off. Her black bra almost put me over the edge. I saw it briefly earlier but finally had a chance to marvel at it more. I realized I was about to see all of her and my heart raced. Gently I reached for the clasp, hands slightly shaking. I took it off and was stunned by her beauty; her complete perfection.

“Babe, you are so beautiful,” I managed weakly. She smiled and the smile was loving, a deep happiness instead of surface lust. I caressed and felt her gently and she moaned in pleasure. I leaned down and kissed her skin. God...it was so incredible. I kissed between her breasts and down to her stomach. She squirmed from the ticklish contact. I kissed down to her navel and to her pants. Then I stopped and looked up. She was watching me, a red blush vivid on her pale cheeks and she nodded her approval. 

“Everything?” I checked, wondering about her remaining clothes. She nodded. I gulped again. I pulled her pants off and looked at a black bikini, the hottest sight I’d ever seen in my life, I wanted her so badly it was painful. I stroked her perfect legs then her crotch over the underwear. She was warm and very aroused. I leaned down and kissed her over the fabric. “I love you,” I whispered, then began gentle circular motions over the fabric. She moaned and twitched. It was obviously right. I pulled her legs apart also, knowing this was a seductive move. I gently reached under her underwear and stroked her for the first time. Warm. Damp. Insanely hot. I pulled her underwear off and gazed upon my naked girlfriend for the first time. “So beautiful.” I moaned. She reached forward and ran her fingers through my hair again, eyes bright. I resumed my ministrations and her moans nearly put me over the edge. I read that it required a coordinated effort of different sensations to generate the highest level of pleasure for a woman. I stroked her on the surface. Then took a chance and put my mouth on her and massaged her with my tongue. Again, she tasted so sweet. She cried out softly. I changed the motion to a new pattern.

“God. Oh god...” she moaned. I sucked gently then moved back to surface stimulation. “I’m close,” she said. I didn’t want that. I wanted the pleasure that built.

“Can I feel you?” I asked quietly after disconnecting. She nodded in desire. I hooked my hand up and felt her incredible softness and warmth, pressing gently. I was overcome by how good she felt, wishing I could be connected to her; desire flooded my mind. I returned to the circular motion with one hand and internally stimulated her as well, trying to alternate sensations. She twitched in pleasure, breathing heavy. I tasted her again in combination with my other efforts and it began to put her near the edge.

“Come...come for me,” I repeated back to her as she said to me. She gasped and I felt her climax. It was amazing, feeling her body’s reaction. Again, I wanted to be with her badly. When her body relaxed, I removed myself slowly. I kissed her stomach then I moved up to her.

“That was the best orgasm ever,” she said out of breath. “How did you do that?” she asked. 

“I tried,” I said simply, kissing her hair. I snuggled down next to her and she turned to me. Smiling, she began her magic on me. After some time, I found ecstasy for the second time that night. 

…

In the morning I showered and changed into clothes Alice left out for me. Again, perfect for travel and for phasing. I went out into the hall and found Emmett leaning on the wall whistling to himself. He gave me a wicked grin and winked suggestively. I sighed heavily. 

"Sleep well?" He asked innocently. 

"Like a rock," I replied joining the others in the living room. He guffawed and I felt myself blush. Alice was there, sorting a bunch of duffle bags, all the same but in different colors. She tossed a green and a blue one to me. "What's this?" I asked.

"I have emergency clothes for us always ready," she said. Wow. She was pretty amazing. I carried then back to check on Ness. 

" Try to control yourself we're leaving in under an hour," Emmett called laughing, and I gritted my teeth. Good thing Edward wasn't up at the house yet. Ness was awake and getting dressed. I kissed her. She was so beautiful in the morning. 

"What's that?" She asked. 

"Emergency clothes," I replied. She held up the backpack, and I flinched. 

"What's this Jake?" She asked and I heard an edge to her voice. 

I sighed, wishing this conversation wasn't about to happen. "Years ago, your mother and I had to plan to save you if the confrontation with the Volturi didn't go well. I was supposed to run with you to South America." I said. She looked disturbed. 

"Was it really that close?" she asked. 

"Yes," I said grimacing. I really didn't want to discuss this with her. It made me feel like aborting our recent plan was a mistake. But there was no help for it. We needed to help our friends.

We loaded the cars, picking inconspicuous ones. Emmett kept shooting me suggestive glances each time her back was turned. I just frowned my disapproval and was pleased I wasn't riding with him. 

Emmett and Carlisle were driving. We piled in. I ended up with Bella and Ness in the backseat of Carlisle’s car with Edward in the front seat. 

I whispered to Bella, "shield," and she blinked then instantly cloaked me. I felt the slight whooshing feeling. She glanced at Ness looking at me dreamily and her expression grew dark. I sighed, pulled out my phone and began typing in an open note. 

_Yes, okay but it isn't as bad as you think. I promise I'm being careful, and I'm really not rushing anything. I want her to be happy. It's not about me._

She read it in a moment then I deleted it. She stared and then seemed to accept it with a sigh, not giving me any more looks. I looked up and caught Edward's glare in the rear-view mirror, knowing Bella just cloaked me and possibly knowing why. I pretended not to notice and held Ness's hand. My vision suddenly blurred and she was replaying the evening's events for me in vivid detail, my breath caught but I tried to stifle it. My gradually racing heartbeat couldn't have helped. I know Bella cloaked her too because Edward wasn't shouting, but he could hear my heartbeat. He ground his teeth. I dropped her hand to regain control. I had to admit, the stealth was kind of fun, But Bella looked annoyed too and I didn't want her to drop the shield. So, I thought about other things in luxury of being heard by no one. 

When the time came would I save Ness over Simon if it was necessary? I mean, obviously, yes, but the guilt would be terrible to bear, and her pain. She might not forgive me, or forget. I hoped that I was able to save both of them and that's why the vision blanked out. The alternative was his certain death, so at least it was a shot in the dark. Literally. 

We stopped on the way so I could grab a bathroom break and a snack at a gas station. Apparently being sexually active meant an increased appetite. Hmm. I smiled at the words sexually active. It was annoying being the hold up in a family that never needed to eat or take bathroom breaks. But they always had food for me. Ness didn't like food, so I had taken it upon myself to conduct a private mission trying to find a food she may love. It turned out that Bella's favorites had not been inherited. I hadn't had much luck, although she had conceded that chocolate ice cream was less bad. She even sort of didn't mind coffee, which I found a bit strange. I didn't like it myself. 

Back in the car, Bella interrupted the silence. "Are we going to communicate the danger to them, so they stay inside with us?" she asked. Great question. No one wanted to kidnap anyone with no explanation. 

"I'm not sure how else we can. Just saying danger may be too vague for them though." Edward hedged. So, we all got lost in thought over a danger that made sense. 

"Some sort of murderer makes no sense, because it would be on the news," Ness added. 

"And there aren't any dangerous animals in Hanover," except me, I thought. 

"Maybe we say one of us is really sick and we want them to visit, we say it's really bad," Edward added. 

"But no one would be once we got there," Carlisle said. 

"Maybe at that point we admit we are worried about their safety, maybe we witnessed an attack but haven't reported it yet," Bella said. We nodded in approval. 

"What if things go really sideways," Edward added. I cringed. I didn't want him to upset Ness about Simon dying. 

"Let's handle it in the moment then," I shot back, giving him an annoyed look and stroking Ness's face. He stared, then gave up and looked forward. Good. I eventually settled into sleep because Emmett was right, I hadn't gotten much. Ness woke me to board the plane. It was a groggy blur, but eventually we were headed for the first class; classically Cullen. I passed out next to Ness in the comfortable chair. I woke up stiff what must have been hours later, to find myself sitting next to Edward not Bella. I sighed heavily. He did this purposefully to have it out with me. I glanced at Ness who was sleeping. 

_What_? I thought grumpily. "I want to talk," he said businesslike with his jaw locked. _Now?_ I asked mentally. "While she's asleep," he replied. I just went for it then. _Edward, she's grown up, I am too._ I said in thoughts, getting impatient. _Did you expect us to never be intimate?_ "I expect you to tread cautiously," he snapped. This set my hands trembling. He had known me better for the past 6 years, and how could he not already know, that when it came to Ness, I was incredibly careful. 

"This isn't your business," I said, speaking in distracted rage. 

"She's my daughter," he growled. 

"That you're smothering. She's making her own choices. I'd never hurt her. I'll always support whatever she wants," I added. 

"Maybe she's too young to know what she really wants," he said icily. "You don't know, but the first time Bella and I were together was when she got pregnant. You know what happened, it was a miracle she survived," he said quietly. I didn't need reminding. It was a painful time. The last painful time until now. "I have no idea if you could get her pregnant, but consider that she is growing still, able to change," he finished. And then a very strange thought struck me that momentarily disconnected me from this nonsensical conversation. Pregnant? Would Ness ever want to be pregnant? With me? I mean...at this rate I was on my way to wanting to propose in the next few years. But in the next few years...she would stop growing like the other vampires. Like Rosalie...and it would no longer be a choice. Carlisle estimated this was her final year. 

So...so...if she ever wanted a child with me...my heart stopped. I looked up at Edward again and his eyes were slightly unfocused, listening to me. _This is beyond what you want to hear now Edward._ I thought. If she ever wanted a baby...well. Well it would be around now. I felt a swell of panic. Was I ready to be a father? Did I want to be? The thought was terrifying. But, don't most people realize they want a family? Sam had a child around my developed age. Was it really so wrong?

"But what do you expect the fetus to be like? Can vampire and werewolf DNA mix safely?" Edward whispered. I stared blankly. No. I felt the answer was simply, no. But something Billy said caught my thoughts. He said he thought werewolves imprinted to make stronger offspring. Did that mean, my body knew Ness would give me a strong child? The evidence for the other imprints seemed possible to support the theory. Edward seemed to consider this as well. But would this risk her safety? She was already part vampire unlike Bella. She would be as strong as the child's vampire half. But would the werewolf half harm her? My bite wasn't toxic to her like vampire venom would be toxic to me. We just had strong enough teeth to attack. Nothing to infect. And I doubt a fetus could attack her. We didn't become werewolves until teenage years. Before I was activated, I was just human. I never hurt my mother when I was born. 

"Good points," Edward agreed. "But do you think Ness is really ready for that?" he asked. 

"Bella did it at her age, pretty much exactly," I countered. 

"But that was an accident, and what you're doing could result in the same," he said angrily. I rolled my eyes at him. Was I really going to have to explain to him that I was going to wear protection when I finally did this? I mean Jesus, how little did he think of me? I glared at him. He looked annoyed. _We're trying to be careful as well, we were alone the first time_. I thought. The strangest look flashed across his face. I almost didn't catch it. Guilt. Wait, had he heard us that night? I thought mortified. He sighed heavily. 

"Wonderful," I said, but the venom was less convincing when my voice caught on the word. "Don't tell Ness," I said disgusted. 

"Look, I didn't mean to. I was trying to find you with Alice that night. I left immediately," he said, defensive. So, he really had heard my first. I cut off the thought. And felt the strangest hot feeling in my throat. I realized I was upset, and it surprised me. 

"Thanks a lot," I said and I heard it in my voice too. 

"It was only a moment, I'm sorry," he said and for the first time, he sounded sincerely apologetic. I ignored it. I suddenly felt the shield. Bella put it back. She had obviously listened and must have heard the tone of my voice. Edward felt it too. 

"She understands we're of age. She probably compares it to how you two were when she was 18," I said. 

"I will take...time," he grudged. 

"I'm not... well...rushing." I said, irritated that I needed to be so specific. Now they would know, well, everyone would know we weren't having intercourse. I was eager to end this incredible shitshow of a conversation. Edward nodded to himself, liking this information. 

"So is Ness getting the talk too?" I asked childishly, but he was treating me like a baby. How could he think I wouldn't use protection?

"Bella will," he said evasively. 

"Coward," I muttered. He nodded in agreement. I thought for a moment about his anger. Was it really about condoms? At the end of the day, I didn't think he thought I was that stupid. If not, what else could it be? I pondered over it until I suddenly realized. 

"Are you joking?" I said in outrage. "This is because it's out of wedlock? It's the 21st century." I said. 

"I'm old fashioned," he said, guarded. 

"Well, it was her choice," I spoke clearly. It was silent. "That's right, I didn't instigate anything," I said smugly, then turned and my smile slipped off my face when I saw Ness awake and glaring at me. Oh shit. "I mean, no that's not true, it was my idea." I tried lamely. Her eyes narrowed. I covered my face. Huge fuck up. It was so impulsive. Immediately I felt so low for having done it. I knew there had to be fierce apologies later. I sneaked a peak and saw her glaring at Edward. It was clear her thoughts were heavy. He looked sheepish. She jumped up and stalked away without a word. After a few moments, Jasper joined us. 

"She wanted to sit with Alice," he said. He glanced at me then I felt peace seep into me, easing my anguish. 

"Thanks," I sighed, still feeling crappy somewhat. "We're in trouble," I added for Edward. 

"Me more than you," Edward said. 

"I don't know what everyone's problem is," Jasper said. "It seems normal to me," he said and looked a little bored. 

"I don't have one," I said bitterly. This was all his fault. He should have left it alone. But that last part was my fault, I conceded guiltily. 

"She's not speaking to me," Edward said. 

"What about me?" I asked. 

"Not sure, she's cloaked," he said. Bella seemed to have taken her side. 

"My advice is to let her be. That's usually what Alice wants," Jasper suggested. Alright. We had a mission anyway. I struggled to put it from my mind. 

"Once we get them to the house, what are we going to do about the vamp?" I asked. Edward seemed eager to join in. 

"I think some of us should stay with them in the house. Some should establish a perimeter, and I think we want a hunting party." I honestly wanted to be in the hunting party, but knew I wanted to stay with Ness, and she wouldn't be doing that. 

"When?" I asked. 

"Tonight, if we can," Edward replied. I felt dread. Not for myself, but for the humans and half humans in our lives. 

"I'd like to keep Ness away," I whispered, not wanting to anger her more. Edward considered this.

"Separated or under heavy guard with us?" He asked. He had a good point. 

"Be ready to run if we get ambushed," Jasper suggested. He looked unhappy and I knew it was because he didn't want to risk Alice. Edward's expression was similar. No one could stash their woman away. We were going together. 

"Ness I'm sorry. I was so stupid," I said in a semi loud voice. She could hear. She didn't reply. It was worth a try. 

....

We drove through the backroads of New Hampshire. Ness elected to ride in the other car, not a good sign. There was a sudden buzz of a phone. Edward glanced down to read it. "No," he said. 

"What?" Carlisle asked urgently. 

"Bram, he can't find Simon, he's wondering if he's with us." Edward dialed and spoke, "Any visions?" It sounded like she said no. He hung up. He glanced at me and I knew I was the reason why. It continued to confirm that I was directly involved. "In threes and fours, we'll search the campus," he added to us. 

"Ness obviously," I said claiming her. 

"Take Jaz," Edward added. He didn't look pleased. He wanted to go with Alice. When we arrived, I could tell from the weather that snow was imminent. It added to my feeling of urgency. Edward, Alice, Esme, and Carlisle took off, followed by Rose, Emmett, and Bella. Each team had someone who could identify them. I knew Edward put me with Jasper because we were the best fighters. We moved fast, but not too conspicuously as we combed the campus. We checked our frequented cafe, and half an hour later had covered the English and theatre buildings. I couldn't pick up Simon's scent. I tried to think of where else we spent time together. It came to me. The soccer field. 

"Come on," I said, indicating to the right direction. I matched my pace to Ness's. She grabbed my hand_. Be careful, please_. She begged me in a thought. I squeezed her hand. "You too," I spoke. Ten minutes later we crashed through the trees and jumped the fence. The smell hit me like a wall the moment I saw her. She was beautiful, blonde, dressed in tattered clothes, eyes bright red. She had Simon in a headlock. He struggled feebly. 

"Simon," Ness moaned. I wondered If I was seeing Alice's vision. I moved forward unthinkingly. 

"I'd stop," she said lazily. Something hit me square in the chest. I felt a rib break. I flew backward into the fence. I almost phased, but held it back. It wasn't time yet. Another being appeared from the woods. I got up, ignoring the healing pains in my chest. The other woman's arm was extended, she had hit us with a kind of force field. I listened and my mouth fell open in shock. Under the sounds of Simon's racing heart, my heart, and Ness's fluttering beats, I heard the same fluttering from this woman. Was she...?

"What do you want," asked Jasper. He had stood back up too. I glanced at Ness and she seemed unharmed. She turned to face me. 

"Master wants the human that travels with the Cullens...he is special somehow, genetically." she said in a seductive voice. Ness gasped. Master? Then this was the Volturi after all. _Edward_! I started screaming in my head. _Edward_! I did again, concentrating on the force of the thought. I had no idea if he heard me. Another half vampire, a man, emerged as well. His hair was tangled and his wild red eyes locked on Renesmee. He had a look of hunger on his face. I slipped in front of her. 

"Surrender or he dies," she snarled constricting his windpipe so he started to choke. I looked at Ness and her eyes were full of tears. 

"No...no Jake," she begged. At that moment I felt a familiar swooping sensation. Bella's shield. I fought a smile. This almost certainly would have a chance at protecting me from the other force field. I glanced at Jasper. He nodded, indicating he felt it too. 

"It's okay," I told her significantly, raising my eyebrows. She read my face. Trust me. I mouthed. She stared. I turned back. They all must be out there, and they had us covered. I started forward as Simon thrashed. 

"J...ake.." he choked in protest. Ness sobbed once. It tore at my heart. _It's okay baby,_ I thought even though she couldn't hear me. When I was ten feet out I did it. I jumped and, in an instant, ripped from my human form. I flew into the space between us, in full wolf form, teeth bared. No wall stopped me. The blonde stared in terror, no time to move. _You're mine_, I thought in triumph and hit her. It felt like I smacked into concrete. My teeth sunk into her throat, and I shook her like a rag doll. Simon fell to the ground. She couldn't claw free. Then Edward was there, ripping her to pieces. I registered that Jasper ran for the other female, who couldn't understand why her powers were dead. Ness didn't move into my vision so I figured someone was stopping her, good. I spit out the disgusting bleach-tasting shards. Edward's head shot up and I saw his pupils dilate. He flung himself forward. Simon screamed. My heart stopped. Was he dead? I saw a blur and the male half breed flew through the air, flung by Edward. Alice had also arrived; I could smell her. The half breed didn't stand a chance as I heard Emmett smashing like a boulder, following her in. Ness dashed forward and dropped next to Simon, frightened. Carlisle appeared at my side. Simon writhed on the ground clutching his arm. I hoped it was only broken. My heart sank. A clear bite mark was on his arm. Carlisle kneeled next to him and checked him for more injuries. 

"His heart is strong," he said. Edward came back, his face devastated. _Is it too late_? I thought. 

"Yes," he said grimly. "Ness...Ness..." he called to her quietly. She was crouched there holding his hand. She looked back crying. "You need to explain, give him the choice," he said in a pained voice. She sobbed wiping her face. I wanted to phase back to hold her but I had no clothes. 

"Si...can you hear me?" she asked. He writhed, not registering. She held his face. "Si...honey?" she said louder. He looked at her, face twisted in agony, glasses askew. "That's it." she said in a soothing, shaking voice. She reached forward, and I knew she was dabbing tears off his face. "I know, I know honey. I know it's the worst pain. I'm so sorry," she managed. 

"W..what.." he choked. 

"I'll tell you," she said voice catching. "You are changing into one of us. The bite did it. If the change runs its course, you'll stop aging," she said stroking his hair as he shook on the cold ground. He didn't understand, I could tell. 

"Edward is 100 years old roughly," she said, and his eyes bugged. She wiped more tears away. 

"No.." he moaned. 

"Yes. I'm only 7 years, I grew quickly, but I'm different from Edward and Bella. I can explain later, I promise," she said and then glanced at me. "Jake isn't like one of us, he's different. He won't hurt you," she comforted. To demonstrate, I sat down. "We're all not aging though, we will stay this way forever," she said. He looked like he thought we were crazy. 

"You saw what happened. What other explanation is there for the super speed and strength? Or their icy touch?" she asked. "There's not much time," she said pulling him so she held part of him in her lap. "You need to decide if you would rather die now. You won't burn any longer. You won't need to be immortal. Alternatively, you could let the venom spread for three days. The burning will stop, and you'll be 18...forever," she said, tears on her face. He looked so confused. 

"We drink blood...animal blood to survive. We don't sleep, ever," she said, referring to her vampire parents. "We will help you adjust, but you'll look very different. You may never be able to see your loved ones again," she said stroking his cheek, continuously crying. I moaned softly at her pain. "They can't know the secret...it's dangerous for them," she said. He looked at her and I could see he was finally growing to accept her story. 

"Bram...Bram..." he cried. She looked at her father, knowing full well his love for a human worked out in the end. 

"It might work Simon. We will have to tread carefully, but you may see Bram again, once you have adjusted to the new life," she said squeezing his hand. "You can live with us; we will take care of you. We will keep Bram safe. We promise," she added. "We love you," she sobbed the words. "If you choose to transform, we will accept this choice and not listen to you beg for release during the pain. It will end. It won't last forever. If you'd like to die, we honor your choice also," she said kissing his forehead. She looked at him, and I felt like I could see the depth of her soul, and her ability to care. I cried also, because she was.

"Bram...Bram...I can't leave him." he cried miserably, jerking violently in pain. 

"Could he accept you this way?" Carlisle asked him gently. Simon squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. "Is this your choice?" Carlisle asked carefully. 

"How..how long will I burn.." he gasped. 

"Three days," Carlisle said grimly. "We understand, we've all lived it," he added compassionately. Edward touched my shoulder in comfort, knowing I was crying, but we didn't speak.

"Then....I'll never die?" he asked. 

Edward stepped away. "Yes," Edward answered, crouching on his other side, eyes tormented. "But Bram will..." he said gently, making the most painful part of this clear. Simon looked at him, and I could tell he was understanding Edward's old pain. Your loved one would die, but you had to stay behind.

"But," Alice spoke. "If Bram wants this life, after he finds out what happened, we can change him as well," she said. "But it's his choice," she said calmly. 

"He may not want it," Ness said. 

"Bella changed to be with me," Edward said. "I met and fell in love with her when she was human. It was...dangerous for her, but it was what she wanted," he said, glancing back, and for the first time in this endless moment I registered Bella, and could tell she was crying in her vampire body; no tears. Edward's face twisted; her pain acutely painful for him. "She's happy," he whispered, smiling wanly for the first time, and Bella smiled back through the tears.

"18...forever..." Simon moaned. 

"Yes," everyone said together except me. He closed his eyes. 

"Yes," he said. Edward turned to Rosalie, who had arrived with Esme. 

"Do you want to tell him your story?" he asked. She nodded and came forward. I knew it already, so I drifted back. Alice and Jasper stood a little way back. 

"We were too late," Alice spoke. I sat on the ground, unable to respond. "I couldn't see the ambush because of the part vampires. It looked like Aro used them to slip past my visions. It's probably why he wants you," she added. My hair stood up, outraged by the notion. Jasper looked over, then sent a wave of calm energy. It helped dim the rage. A few minutes later I saw Edward nod and pick up Simon, who was twitching in pain. I suddenly smelled smoke. I turned and saw Emmett lighting a pile of remains. It wasn't taking long to catch. 

"Back to the house," said Bella grimly. The others moved more quickly, but Ness and I walked slowly with Edward. Ness wound her hand into my fur, a very comforting thing. She sent no thoughts, probably still in shock. I was hurt to see she was still crying, although I had stopped. She was very compassionate, and after me and our family, Simon was her best friend. I couldn't phase to hold her and it weighed on me. We kept clear of the roads to avoid being seen. Simon moaned and writhed. Ness held his hand. I wondered what it felt like to burn. No one ever described it. As far as I knew, Bella didn't even remember. Nor did Alice. It sounded like pure hell. 

The house was lit when we got home. Emmett left shorts for me on the porch, bless him. I went inside last after phasing. Edward had carried Simon to the couch and laid him down. Ness was sitting next to him. 

"Bram..." he moaned, wanting him. "Please." I felt so bad. He couldn't open his eyes, his jerking never stopped. Someone had put his glasses aside. 

"I'm sorry..." Ness cooed. "I'm sorry that we can't get Bram yet, honey. Soon..." she lied. Best to comfort him now and deal with the aftermath later. Bella brought Ness a damp cloth and she dabbed his face. 

"Bram," he cried, voice catching painfully. Obviously, the pain had increased from before. It was possible he couldn't follow what she was saying. He may even forget the bulk of what he was told. I wondered morbidly at what point his ability to cry would vanish; midway or at the end? I sat down next to Ness and nuzzled her gently. I stroked her hair. She was a mess. 

"Shh," she said gently dabbing his face. "Shhh, it's okay honey." Bella sat on the other side and took his hand. He squeezed it tightly in agony. Her face was pinched like she wanted to cry again. Edward sat on the floor by his feet. "I know it's painful, I'm so sorry. I'm here Simon. Right here," Ness said, keeping up the comfort. His lucidity started to dip out, preoccupied by the burning. I was grateful I never needed to know the pain. I held Ness's free hand. She was so distraught over his pain, his divide from Bram, and loss of his life. She was showing me her thoughts. I kissed her hand, at a loss for anything. I couldn't live through a division from her. Later when he lost the ability to respond completely, Carlisle said he would watch over him. I was desperate for Ness to rest. Her eyes were red and swollen. Edward and Bella flitted away, holding hands and looking devastated. Alice and Jasper were sitting on the couch. Esme, Rose, and Emmett had left to hunt, preparing for the upcoming days of taming a newborn.

I gathered Ness in my arms and sought my room in the house. I sat her down softly on the bed and shut the door. I felt so distraught for her pain. Powerless. I kneeled in front of her and stroked her hair. "Baby, I'm so sorry," I whispered. "What can I do?" I asked quietly. 

"Come here," she moaned. I got up and climbed into the bed, laying back on the pillows. She climbed into my lap and I held her close against my bare chest. She rested her head over my heart. I kissed her hair. I wanted her to sleep. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. She shook her head. She showed me an image of Bram, frantic. "Ness we may be able to help him. Bella met Edward and fell in love when she was human. It's possible," I said holding her tighter. "Want to sleep, honey?" I whispered, hoping she would. "I'll hold you all night," I said. 

"No," she said in a strange voice. I couldn't understand the tone. Strangled but also...she moved aside and stroked her hand down to between my legs. It was so unexpected.

"Ohh," I moaned, shocked. I felt myself stir. "Ness...why?" I asked weakly, so taken aback by this. She touched me more and I lost my breath. Wow. It was like I was being disconnected from all my thoughts. The pleasure was so warm and welcome during this difficult moment.

"I'm upset, I want the closeness. I want to lose myself in you," She said kissing my chest. "Unless you think it's unfair. We don't have to," her touch disappeared. I thought about it and realized how much I wanted it too, she was trying to avoid pain again; for a moment.

"It's okay," I said pulling her up to me and kissing her neck. She turned and kissed my mouth, connecting her tongue to mine. I felt such a desperation in each kiss. Rarely did she start so passionately with me. There was need so much more than desire. She never kissed me like that. She pulled herself down and straddled me. I was surprised by how much she commanded what was happening. I wanted her, and my body responded. I thought about what I should do tonight. It made sense to pleasure her again. I reached down to touch her but stopped as she pulled my shorts off with no warning. In that he next second, I gasped as I felt her mouth on me. It was rougher than before, but I liked it. I felt an entirely different longing for her this time. _Holy god_, I thought as she experimented with different movements. It felt so so good. I felt myself quickly build. "Ness..."I warned, not knowing if she wanted this yet. She stopped and I felt the pain of wanting her to continue, but I wanted to pleasure her first. I reached down to pull her up to me so I could touch her but she resisted. I stopped and sat up. I felt less secure about what to do this time. Emotions were running hot and wild. She leaned down and slipped one of my balls in her mouth. I jumped. She didn't do that last time. It felt good in a different way. Like a glowing ember instead of a burning flame; ticklish and amazing. "Oh god, Ness...I love you," I managed leaning my head back as she did the other. She stroked me while she did this and I could barely hold back. I held my breath, trying to. I didn't want to go this fast, I wanted to slow down. Then she stopped and got out of bed. I blinked and looked around for her. She had gone over to her blue travel bag. 

"Jake," she said after and I looked up at her. She was completely naked. My jaw dropped. "Are you okay?" she asked. I didn't understand the question. Of course, I was. She held something up. It was a condom package, glinting in the dim light. My heart stopped in my chest. 

"N..Ness," I said suddenly very anxious. Her expression changed after seeing this. She came forward. 

"Baby, it's okay if you aren't ready. There's no pressure honey," she said stroking my leg. My mind was blank. I'd waited years for this. Imagined it. But always held back because I knew it was right. 

"Well..." I said in a tight voice. I felt myself lose my excitement. The suddenness of the emotion threw me off. 

"Do you want to go slow, stop if it's too much?" she asked climbing into bed and touching my parted lips. She looked concerned. I felt a cold sweat start. But wouldn't this have always been my reaction to losing my virginity? It was huge. It was strange how she was so much more relaxed and composed than me, but I wasn't sure if it might be under the surface. "I love you, for me It's making love," she cooed. 

"Me too," I said quickly. 

"Are you afraid?" she asked stroking my hair. 

"Yes. I want to get it right," I admitted, bearing my soul. 

"Nothing you would do would be wrong honey," she said stroking down my stomach. I felt almost an electric current of desire return. I realized I wanted to try the first time she asked to make love to me. 

"Alright, slow," I said striving to find a calm I didn't feel. 

"That's fine," she said smiling. I gulped and she moved up to kiss my mouth, a lot more gently, lingering with each touch. She was trying to bring me back. She pressed her breasts lightly into my chest, pushing me down onto the bed, and I felt jumpstarted. I wanted her. "I love you," she whispered. 

"I love you," I returned, voice steady. She moved down. I wanted to sit up but felt frozen lying back. Maybe it was better just to feel. She kissed and touched me and got my full arousal back. I moaned blissfully, hoping against hope the vampires were studiously ignoring us, because there was no stopping this now. 

"Still okay?" she asked kissing my leg. 

"Yeah," I replied, feeling still slightly on edge. 

"Okay, you'll feel this," she said opening the condom. I closed my eyes, not understanding the anxiety I felt. She slipped it on me. It felt weird. I'd have to get used to it. She put lube on me too, and I shivered slightly. "You'll need to try and hold off so I can and then you can, but if you can't hold off it's alright," she said. I felt slightly mortified, hoping that wouldn't happen. She climbed up on me and the feeling of her pressing against me wiped my mind blank. "You can push when you're ready," she said kissing my stomach. I shivered. Then I did it and felt warmth and tightness. It took my breath away, feeling so good. I was worried I was hurting her. I pushed more so and connected with her all the way. Wow, I wasn't aware of how much it opened up like that.

"Did I hurt you?" I gasped. 

"No, it's fine," she said, but there was a note in her voice that tipped me off that it did slightly. But that was to be expected generally. I wasn't sure what I should do next to cause the least amount of pain. I slid my hands up to stroke her legs, lost in the sensation of being inside her. The closest I'd been to anyone. I thought she wanted me to act next. I pulled on her legs and rocked inside her and slipped a hand in front to stimulate her on the surface. She moaned and I could tell it felt good. She moved to meet me and the feeling of that started to get me to begin to want to come. I held it back, using all my concentration to do so. She pushed harder liking the friction. I gasped, lost in the moment of making love to her. Blissfully, she climaxed, which was good because I couldn't hold on, after feeling that from inside her. She let me thrust more which resulted in a hot slow build and eventually I did climax, the best orgasm I ever had in my life. It knocked me breathless and the good feeling lingered on a lot longer each time she moved slightly to prolong my pleasure. I let out an almost pained moan and felt myself twitch. My body tingled in waves of ecstasy. I couldn't believe how good it felt. Slowly she disconnected from me. And I felt her take the condom off. I was sort of floating as she moved up beside me. I wrapped my arms around her kissing her neck. Caressing her breasts. I know she liked to sleep in my t shirts. I slipped out of bed, pulled on shorts, and brought one over to her. She looked blissed out, ready to sleep. I helped her put it on and moved her to lie across my chest. I kissed her hair. 

"You are so good at sex. I want you every day," I whispered. She grinned.

"You as well. You're mine," she said in a possessive smug voice. 

"I always was," I said, and closed my eyes. 

"But now everything is. Your body is mine. And it's glorious," she said stroking my chest. I felt a swell of emotion and my throat felt hot. I just had sex for the first time. And none of it was bad…well for me. 

"Did it hurt at all?" I asked concerned. 

"Yeah, somewhat, but that's normal I think," she replied. 

"I'm sorry," I said instantly feeling bad. 

"No, we needed to do it. It should feel better soon." She said. 

"Okay, let me know if you ever need me to stop, you know I will," I said gently. She looked at me, and smiled peacefully then kissed my lips softly, as if exploring them for the first time. And she was from this side of this monumental shift in our relationship. Eventually she pulled away and rested her head on a pillow.

"Alright, goodnight... Love you," she said and I felt her start to drift. 

"I love you too." I said. 

…

The next morning was a bit of a shock. She unexpectedly joined me in the shower, and pushed me against the wall. It was a jumpstart to my desire. I spun her and made out with her against the wall, and eventually she wanted to have sex yet again. It was like a switch was flipped. Good thing she came prepared. I ended up making love to her from behind against the shower wall. It was simply amazing, morning sex. She looked incredible. Her body was incredible. And I had a lot of stamina. Our moans echoed off the walls.

Insanely, we had sex again in the bedroom right after, still wet from the shower, me on top this time. It was becoming addictive. We couldn't get enough. I thought the sex was a sort of medicine to her stress and worry. She was blocking it out. So was I. But we needed to come down from the high. 

The next morning, the drop from the high was like extreme whiplash. It was ugly and awful. I immediately felt extremely guilty for taking pleasure in any form when Simon was in hell. I know we did it as escapist behavior, but still. I felt so bad. He was still writhing on the couch, Esme sitting next to him. Ness looked just as pained and repentant as we settled down next to him. He managed to talk to us for a little while about what was happening, but it was a real struggle for him to get words out. Ness was still quietly talking to him again after a half hour. 

“Si..I’m sorry,” she murmured, dabbing sweat off his face. 

“Ness please, I want Bram...” he barely got out. 

“Simon…” she said quietly, looking upset and out of answers. I moved forward, feeling helpless as well. He looked up at me. 

“Jake..Jake..you know Bram. He’s worried sick...he’ll be crazy not knowing. He won’t...he’s not,” he broke off, looking unable to get anything else out. I thought about Ness, and I knew that if I were in his place, I’d be worried about her freaking out too. I wouldn’t be able to rest. I reached forward and patted his shoulder. Then I turned and walked over to Edward. He adjusted his gaze to me from Simon. 

_He’s not a vampire yet. He’s not dangerous. I think we should bring Bram to him before he turns. It’s his last chance for what could be a long time. You even said it could be years. He’s going to want to reach out soon no matter what. So, Bram will have it explained either way. _I thought. He looked at me and I could see he was weighing the danger of this plan. 

_I’ll phase. I’ll get him to come. He loves Simon, he’s not about to go to the police about him. You know that. _

“I mean, I suppose there’s something to that,” he answered. I glanced back at Ness and knew Edward would tell her where I was going. I looked across the room and my eyes rested on Bella. I saw her looking at me and I could tell she was trying to follow our exchange. 

“Come on Bells,” I said, and as I moved to the door, she followed me without question, knowing I would explain. The others let us go. It was wrong not to help him with this; we owed him. 

When we arrived at Bram’s door, I could hear him inside. His heartbeat was sped up. He was in distress. I knocked. Bella stood beside me looking worried. Bram answered. 

“Oh my god, guys, thanks for coming, I’m in a panic,” he said. He ushered us in. We followed, shutting the door. 

“Edward told us you’re having trouble finding Simon, we wanted to help,” Bella said. 

“I... I can’t explain this,” Bram said, looking a little crazed and exhausted. “Simon would never disappear like this. It’s been two days for god’s sake, and we talk every day. I can’t reach him on his phone. We didn’t fight or anything. I’m going to go to the police next, what if something terrible has happened,” he finished looking close to tears. It was clear in his face he had already shed some in fear. This made me feel awful because we caused this.

“Alright, let’s go before we call. Just to make sure, where do you want to start?” I asked. He got his coat and eagerly led us out. 

“I guess let’s take the campus again,” he said. We did, and as we did, knowing it wouldn’t amount to anything, I tried to think of where to lead him next, to phase and tell him the truth. 

“Have you tried the soccer field?” Bella asked. 

“I cannot imagine why he would be there, but what do we have to lose?” said Bram tiredly. I felt very bad for him. It was a great idea on Bella’s part. When we got there, I picked up Simon’s scent faintly again. 

“Oh!” Bram cried out and I jumped. He ran over to Simon’s backpack, left on a bench that none of us noticed. “This is bad, he’d never leave this...I think he was taken…” said Bram, voice shaking badly. 

I cleared my throat. How on earth was I going to start explaining this? “Bram...we have to tell you about something. It can’t wait,” I said, my voice sounding odd. He looked over at me looking confused. 

“You mean we need to keep looking?” he said. 

“Bram,” I said. “I’m not exactly like you, and the only way to explain is to show you. I’m sorry it’s so abrupt,” I said awkwardly. Then I started to take off my clothes, and Bram’s jaw dropped, completely thrown by this. As soon as they were off, I phased quickly, feeling the familiar rush of heat. Bram screamed, tipping backward, and falling down into the snow. Bella rushed to his side in case he tried to make a run for it. 

Bella gripped his shoulder and spoke urgently. “It’s still Jake, Bram. He’s the same, and he would never hurt you,” she assured quickly. In answer to that I sat down. He stared, catatonic. 

“Obviously, this is a supernatural being,” Bella continued. “We do walk among you,” she said and he snapped his head to look at her. “I am as well, but I am different from Jake,” she said, eyes looking strained. 

“I. What are you?” he asked. She avoided the question. 

“Bram, we need to go. It’s about Simon,” she said. 

“Oh god…” he said looking weak. “Oh my god...please...tell me what happened. Is he okay?” he asked, tears springing to his eyes. 

“He’s alive, and I’ll explain the best I can on the way,” She said. She helped him up and started leading us back to the car. Bram sent with her as if in a trance. 

“Who we are...as you can probably tell, Edward and myself aren’t normal,” she said. Bram kept up, paying close attention. 

“No..no, I’ve always thought that,” he said. I followed in wolf form, knowing I would need to phase back closer to the college. 

“We’re supernatural...and dangerous. Not bad. But very dangerous to...humans,” she said flinching. 

“You’re not human?” Bram asked, stupefied. 

“No. Some of my kind, don’t value human life...and they kill them,” she said. He looked faint. 

“One of our kind came to the school looking for us, but tracked the scent in. We spend a lot of time with you…” she said breaking off. 

“Are you saying...one of your kind took Simon?” he moaned. 

“Yes. We rushed to save him and we did. But we weren’t completely successful,” she said stopping and turning to him. He stopped walking. 

“Is he hurt? Please Bella, tell me,” he begged. I phased back and pulled my clothes on. Bram jumped, shocked. I nodded to him calmly. 

“Bram, really, it’s okay. I’m safe. I’m actually a shapeshifter. I take the form of a wolf,” I said. 

“It’s...it’s a lot to take in,” he said sounding overwhelmed. Tell me about it. 

“In a way, yes, Simon is hurt, but he will be fully healed,” Bella said evasively. We moved across the street, closing in on the car near the campus. Bram looked slightly relieved. 

“Okay, so my kind needs blood to survive. We don’t eat. Actually, the blood we drink is animal blood. We hunt in the woods for deer. Animals humans also eat,” Bella said. He looked perplexed. “But the kind that don’t value human life, they drink human blood,” she said reluctantly. 

“So... like vampires, or something?” said Bram, grasping for straws. 

“Yes. That’s what they are Bram,” I said steadily. He looked at me, and his face drained of color. 

“You...you’re joking, you have to be..” he moaned. I looked at Bella and she looked back. She probably had to do something to show him. When we got to the car, she reached down, got a safe hold on it and lifted it up like it was nothing. Bram gaped at her, then she set it back down. “I. How is that even possible?” he whispered. Bella opened the door for him and he got in. I got behind the wheel and Bella got in the front seat. She turned around to look at Bram. 

“We have many abilities that are supernatural. Super speed. Super strength. We don’t need oxygen or sleep. Our skin is impenetrable. And... we’re immortal. Like the stories about vampires. But garlic or silver or whatever does not pose harm to us. We don’t turn into bats either,” she said. He couldn’t respond. He just looked at her. “We have additional abilities, or, some of us do. Edward can actually hear thoughts. My sister Alice has visions of what is to be. I can protect the minds of whoever I like,” she said. 

“Hear ...thoughts?” he asked blankly. 

“Yes. When we were home in Washington, my sister had a vision that Simon would be in danger, and that is why we rushed back,” she said. 

“So, tell me more about that please, it’s killing me, what happened to Simon?” he asked. We were almost there, we had to get to the punch line lol soon, otherwise I’d drive once around the block. 

“Our kind comes about by the spreading of our venom. It’s transferred through bite. If a vampire attacks a human but doesn’t drink all their blood, the venom spreads through the body, and after three painful days, the person is a vampire. Leaving their human life behind,” she said, and I could hear in her voice that she would be close to crying if she was still human. 

“Wait…” Bram said, voice catching. “You’re saying the other vampire, the one that kills people, he...he bit Simon,” he looked like he was going to faint. 

“I’m so sorry Bram...yes. Yes, he did. We asked Simon if he wanted to live as a vampire, explaining what it meant. We also said that he could die if he wanted to. But he told us he couldn’t leave you, and so he would become a vampire. It saved his life,” Bella said. Bram put his head between his knees and gasped in what obviously was an anxiety attack. Bella looked at me looking upset. I stared at the road, feeling a frog in my throat. After Bram regained his breathing, he asked in a quiet voice, “Are you taking me to see him?” I looked at him in the rear-view mirror. 

“Yes, were going to our house,” I said. 

“Is ...is he a vampire?” he asked in a dead tone. I looked at him, worried he was going to faint. 

“Not yet, he has another day roughly,” I said. 

“You said it was painful,” he said turning to Bella. “Simon is in pain?”

She looked heartbroken. “Yes Bram, right now he is. We all went through it, although not Jake or Ness. They are different from us, but still supernatural. We can explain more later."

“What...what are we going to do now?” Bram said, and I saw tears running down his face. 

“Simon told us he wants to live like us, to drink animal blood. We said we would help teach him. It’s going to take time. When vampires are new, it is almost impossible for them not to be tempted by human blood. And you saw how strong we are. He loves you, but his natural instinct will take over. We need to keep him away from you, until it is safe. It takes time to learn, before we can live among humans,” she said comfortingly. 

“So..so I’ll see him eventually?” he said. 

“Yes, you can see him today because he’s still human. And after that, we will reunite you when he has adjusted. But we don’t know how long that could take. It could be weeks to months or even longer,” she said apologetically. Bram looked upset, but I could see it was sinking in. He was accepting it. 

“Simon isn’t going to age. He’ll be 18 forever?” he confirmed. 

“That’s correct. Edward is 17 forever. I’m 18,” she said. “Remember, Jake isn’t a vampire, but he’s not aging either. We estimate that his development is in his 20s or so,” she said. “Ness is different too and she is about 17. In a year, she will stop aging,” she finished. 

“Does Simon know all of this, did you explain?” he asked, and I could see the original shock was wearing off somewhat. 

“Yes, and he’s been asking for you. He feels terrible that you’ve been worried. It’s why we came to find you,” I answered. Bram looked slightly comforted by this. 

“What can I do now? I’m not going to go back to class without Simon. I just...can’t imagine that while this is happening...” he said looking at his hands. 

“It’s possible you could go back with some of our family to our house in Washington. That way you can learn more in a safe place. Our family has lived amongst humans for years, you would be perfectly safe. We will bring Simon home there when he is ready,” she said. He nodded thoughtfully. “At least you can see him tonight,” she whispered. 

“But I can’t stay long, because he’s going to be changing soon?” he confirmed. 

“At this point, it should be tonight,” Bella answered. I pulled up to the house. “Our other family is here from Washington. They are also vampires, but they do not hunt people and are perfectly safe. They came to help us save Simon. Ness is in there as well," she said before getting out of the car. Bram took a deep breath and followed. He was really brave; I gave him credit for that. I followed them in.


	9. Burning

Burning- Simon- 9

I was dead. No doubt. I had no other thought, only I wished they still could kill me. The pain was unbelievable; so surreal and painfully sharp. I felt each blistering tongue of flame. Hell. I was burning in hell. I couldn’t remember how I died. It was hard to think about anything other than the pyre. Words, not mine, drifted in and out. I wasn’t exactly conscious...in hell. An unconscious dead person? But then I heard the voice again and could understand some of what was said. 

“It’s almost over,” said the voice, female I thought. What was? Hell? I thought that was forever? Then the person asked If I could hear them. I mean, I could, but I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t exactly find my mouth, or my voice. Was I floating? Sitting? Lying down? Falling? I had no idea. The pain was never ending and so time lost all meaning. I felt a pain in my throat and realized I could talk, because It felt like I might be screaming. I stopped. It didn’t help. It just hurt my throat slightly more. I tried to move and I found that I could. I could twist my hands into fists. I felt pressure on one of them. Was someone trying to hold my hand? I opened it and felt my fingers get squeezed again. Was someone in hell with me? All I saw were the red insides of my eyelids. Could I see? I tried opening them, and it was like I was rising from underwater, suddenly the world became clearer, it slid into focus, as if emerging from fog. I saw Ness’s face of all people. She must have been talking to me. I was in a white room. It didn’t look like I pictured hell to look like. Flaming, like how I felt. Her face was scrunched up in concern, but it didn’t look like she was burning also. 

“Ness?” I tried saying, and it came out sounding weak and wheezy. 

“I’m here Simon,” she answered and held my burning hand in both of hers. I looked at it and didn’t see any fire there. Just my hand. She touched my face and I only felt slight pressure. The fire burned away the memory of cool touch. 

“Are...are we dead?” I thought I said. 

“No Simon...we aren’t dead. You’re going through a transformation,” she said and her eyes were sad. Devastated even. I had no idea at all what she meant. A blonde man with a flawless face bent over me. I blinked and was shocked to notice that he resembled Edward in a way. The flawless perfection. 

“Simon, my name is Carlisle. I know this is confusing and hellish, and it is hard to concentrate on me, but we will attempt to explain. You won’t be in agony for much longer,” he assured me. I stared at him stupidly, wondering what much longer meant. A minute or a week? Ness stroked my hair and I looked back at her. How long had I been here? My thoughts drifted and rested on Bram. I felt panic at the thought. 

“Bram?” I asked urgently. Maybe he was here in another room and didn’t know I was...awake, if that’s what you could call it. Ness looked pained. 

“I’m sorry Simon, Bram isn’t here right now,” she said. 

“Can..can we get him?” I asked, not understanding why they hadn’t yet. 

“We can’t get Bram right now,” she said in a constricted voice. 

“Please,” I begged. She didn’t understand. I needed him. He needed to know where I was. A look of agony crossed her face. 

“No, I’m sorry honey, we just can’t right now,” she said gently and stroked my face. It felt like I might have been crying. I had no idea. Did Bram even know where I was? I wondered. It didn’t look like it. For whatever reason I didn’t understand, he couldn’t know about what was happening to me. What on Earth was happening to me?

“Why?” I pressed, feeling even more tongues of unrelenting flame, I jerked in agony. 

“We can’t explain this to him right now, he’ll be panicked, he won’t understand,” she said. That would make two of us.

“But, I’m just in pain,” I said confused. Aren’t loved ones allowed to visit the sick and injured. Was I contagious or something? Probably not because they were all here. Was sick a good word to describe what was happening? 

“That’s not all, your body...it’s changing right now,” she said. I felt alarmed. There was movement and I saw Edward move over me next to Ness. Was everyone here? 

“You know how my friends and I stand out at school,” he said, acknowledging the first thing I thought when I saw him. The staggering unearthly beauty that made no sense. I nodded. “You’ll look like us. You’re turning into one of us,” he said gently. What, a supermodel? The burning was making me beautiful? That made no sense. He sighed and looked frustrated. Like he was trying to find a delicate way to deal with something difficult. 

“We’re not exactly...human. We’re supernatural beings. Albeit, nice ones. We would never hurt you,” he said holding up his hands. Supernatural beings. Okay. Was I actually asleep? Difficult to think that with this pain. This could wake the real dead, which I seemed not to be. Yet. Was I dying? I didn’t know. If so, I hoped it would hurry up. I couldn’t bear this agony. Not for another minute. 

“I know you don’t believe me, but you will. Until I can show you evidence, I’m going to explain. We aren’t human. We used to be until we transformed, and burned like you are now,” he said. Okay. So he knew enough that I was burning. It was hard to explain that one, because I hadn’t described my pain to them. Odd indeed. “Once transformed, we have super strength and speed. We have other abilities. We also don’t need to eat or sleep anymore. We don’t age, which means, we don’t die,” he said simply. Was he telling me they were immortal. Immortal? Really? 

“Yes really,” he answered and I blinked rapidly. “I, among my family, am the only one who can hear thoughts. It is one of my supernatural abilities. Ness can send thoughts,” he said turning to her. I followed his gaze. She looked burdened, but reached out to touch my cheek. Instantly I saw images, but I could also see through them to her face. The image was of someone who looked like me in a classroom. I turned and smiled at her and she sat down next to me. Was this what I looked like to other people? I thought. The image dissapeared. 

“You did that?” I croaked. 

“Yes, I was showing you my first memory of you,” she whispered. Edward drew my attention back to him by clearing his throat. 

“We don’t eat but we still need something to survive. Blood. It turns out it doesn’t matter which kind. We drink animal blood. Like deer. But humans eat deer too, so we don’t see it as a problem,” he said. Blood drinkers? Okay like...vampires? Blood sucking vampires. They were all very very pale. Edward nodded sadly. 

“Yes, that is what we are. Although we don’t turn into bats. We have reflections. Garlic doesn’t bother us. We don’t burst into flame in the sun, but our skin does look crystalline, so really, we can’t go in the sun without tipping others off that something is wrong with us. We protect our identity. That’s why were really there in the evenings. Ness is not a full vampire, so she can go outside. Jake isn’t one at all. We call him a shapeshifter,” he said. My head started to spin on top of the pain. I couldn’t focus. He had answered my thoughts. I felt my lucidity dip, and again thought of Bram. I felt anguished.

“Si...I’m sorry,” Ness sighed sadly, dabbing my forehead. 

“Ness...please, I want Bram,” I managed through a locked jaw. 

“Simon,” she said quietly, in distress. I noticed a shadow moving and Jake entered my vision. I spoke to him. 

“Jake...Jake, you know Bram. He’s worried sick...he’ll be crazy not knowing,” I pleaded. I imagined Bram disappearing for days, and the idea made me feel sick. I had to end it. Jake looked upset. I knew he understood, because he would be if this happened to him and Ness. He patted my shoulder then turned away and began talking to Edward quietly. Didn’t they understand? I cared less about my situation and more so for Bram’s emotional pain. I would be beside myself, terrified, if I couldn’t find Bram after two days. I heard Jake say faintly, come on Bells. The the sound of a door closing. I couldn’t do anything, but lie there and burn. Again, I wished I could just die. I slipped in and out of understanding, wrapped up in the pain. Things started changing though. I found that I could strangely hear with more accuracy. I could hear them talking from outside the room. How strange. I also felt stronger slightly even though the fire kept me paralyzed in pain. I contemplated my situation; because I had an ability to think more sharply and be aware of the pain almost separately. I couldn’t imagine that I was going back to Dartmouth like this. Unless I woke up feeling just as I had, only now instead of going to the dining common, I was going ...hunting? For animals? It sounded so weird to me. But all of this was weird. And what about Bram and I? When I finally saw him again, apparently I would look different, like Edward and Bella. Could he love me if I were this different? If I wasn’t human? Would I hurt him? Was I safe? Automatically, although I wasn’t sure how, I knew I wouldn’t be. I could feel the strength in me. I would need to be careful. I would need to learn how to be careful. Edward appeared by what must have been a couch, that I was on. 

“Simon, if you have any questions about what’s going on or about vampires, you can think about them, and I can answer you if you’d like,” he said. In his eyes I could tell that he was desperate to do anything helpful for me. 

How far away can you hear thoughts? Is it everyone all at once? I thought. 

“If I’m familiar with someone’s mind, I can hear them a bit farther. But I can hear quite a ways away. For example, across the campus I could hear you. Yes I hear everyone. It’s like a roar of white noise. If I focus on one voice, it’s like turning up the volume on that one person, and the other sounds become white noise,” he said. 

And the rest of you can’t hear thoughts? I thought. 

“No, only myself. However, my sister Alice who is here with us, can see visions of the future. But they are subjective. That means that if someone changes their mind about something, the vision changes. She can’t see certain things. For example, Jake and other shapeshifters.”

The future? Are you kidding me?

No, it’s how we knew you would be in danger. When we were together in Washington, she saw a vision of the blonde vampire killing you, so we rushed back. She didn’t kill you because we acted, but we didn’t know you would be turned,” He said, and his eyes looked grave. 

“My brother Jasper, her mate, can manipulate the emotions of others; influencing them one way or another.” he said. Wow, that was something, I thought. “Bella can protect her mind and the minds of those around her from other supernatural gifts. For example, a vampire who can make you feel pain,” he added. That seemed very useful. 

What about Ness? I thought and also about how it was strange how she wasn’t a full vampire. 

“Ness can send thoughts through touch as you experienced, but yes she is not a full vampire like myself. Her story is more complicated. She will explain it in good time,” he said. Ness was in another room, talking quietly. 

Why did this even happen? I know you guys would never hurt me. There was a blonde vampire right? She was a bad one? I guessed. 

“Yes, she followed out scent in and it led her to you and Bram. She took you to try and manipulate us into giving her something she wanted. It didn’t work.” He said, a little vague. But I figured if he didn’t mention it, it meant that he wasn’t going to go into it. 

So that’s what’s dangerous about us? We smell human blood? We’re predators?

“Yes, in a way we are the ultimate hunter. Everything about us invites our prey in. How we look, sound, even our smell. And of course our heightened senses and abilities make us the most deadly creatures on this planet,” he said, sounding disgusted by his own kind. 

Wait, so nothing can kill us? I thought, weirded out by the idea. Like bulletproof superman? 

“Actually, the wolves, the shapeshifters like Jake can do that. But we have made a treaty with that tribe. Jacob is obviously a very close friend, part of this family. As you can see, they wouldn’t harm us. They do attack vampires who feed on humans however. And of course we can kill each other,” he said and he sounded mildly uncomfortable. 

So, is it like an instant kill or something? I asked morbidly curious, with also nowhere to go and nothing to do but burn. 

“We need to be incapacitated, then burnt with fire,” he said, and I had an inkling he was keeping it simple. It seemed fitting that fire would end our lives. Fire started this vampire life. He nodded along with my thoughts. 

So, Bram...I can’t see him when I’m vampire at first to protect him because I’ll want human blood? I confirmed, incapable of imagining such a scenario. 

“Yes, but we all went through it and have found a way to train ourselves to ignore the instinct. Eventually, you can mix with humans and resist the urge to harm them, as long as you stay reasonably nourished off of animal blood,” he replied. 

And it’s not something you learn immediately?

“It’s different for different vampires. It took Bella a week. No even. But we suspect this is part of her supernatural ability. It took my brother Jasper years to figure it out. Myself as well. We have no way of knowing, we will do our best to teach you quickly, and of course, there are so many of us, you won’t have accidents. But you will be much much stronger than us tomorrow,” he said. And with a jolt I realized how soon this was all happening. 

Why on Earth would I be stronger than you? I asked feeling stupefied. 

“Because a new vampire still has their own human blood in them, which gives them extra strength the first few months of this life,” he said, and I guessed that made sense in this crazy not-making-sense-at-all impossible scenario. 

So once I learn, I can see Bram. I thought, frustrated that we had to live apart. 

“Yes, it should work. It depends on if he can accept what we are, who you are. I feel as though if we all reason with him, especially Jake who isn’t a vampire, we can convince him.”

Bram loves me, and I don’t think it matters to him what form I come in. I thought, though I felt a prick of doubt and fear. 

“It never mattered to Bella,” he said with a faint smile. “She took me as I was, loved everything about me, and now we are equals,” he said. I felt confused. What did he mean? “I met Bella when she was human. We fell in love and she learned what I was. After a year of being together, I asked her to marry me. Later, due to extreme circumstances, I needed to change her into a vampire to save her life. But she knew early in our relationship that she wanted to be a vampire too. And she has never regretted it. She’s happy,” he said. I thought about this interesting story. I sensed I wasn’t supposed to ask about the circumstances. Maybe I would find out later. But she decided to become one, which seemed odd. “It is,” he said. “The rest of us never had a choice. We were turned by others or my father Carlilse turned us to save our lives. We were dying. I myself of spanish influenza,” he said. I was also attacked and had no choice. But Bram... would Bram act as Bella did? Would he want a vampire life? 

“This is a difficult and complex thing,” Edward said, and I noted a heavy sadness in his voice. “It’s difficult to be with a human. They are so breakable. They age. Eventually, he would age past you, and you can never change. Bella feared being an old woman with me. I told her I didn’t care but she couldn’t fathom it. She wanted to be changed around the same age as me,” he said. I thought about Bram. That would mean he would want to this year or the following year, if he wanted to be my age too. But how could I ask him to go through this? To burn and give up so much? It seemed like an incredible sacrifice. 

“Yes. I didn’t want Bella to change. I loved her as she was and didn’t want to steal her future. Also, I inherently believed that vampires were evil soulless beings; myself included. I couldn’t bear the thought of risking her soul. She disagrees, claiming we absolutely have souls. We can’t know either way now. But it is a debate,” he said, looking into my eyes with an unfathomable expression. “I’ve tried to be good and not kill. I did in my past, but I never will again if I can help it. I don’t know if living life as a good person is enough to make up for what I have done,” he said in a heavy voice. I was thankful I had so many people to stop me from killing others myself. I couldn’t imagine killing anyone. I couldn’t live with the guilt. Edward nodded solemnly. He would help me. My thoughts strayed back to Bram, longingly, and I imagined him looking like a vampire. I didn’t know what to think. 

“There would be things he could lose. You may lose,” he said looking somber. “For example, it may not be possible for you to see loved ones in this state. Your change may alarm them. They can’t sound the alarm on us, it would endanger our anonymity. It’s true Bella reunited with her father under careful circumstances. We may be able to proceed that way with you as well, it depends on the personalities of these people as well. Could they believe in the supernatural? We can’t tell them we are vampires, to protect them. Bella’s father has no idea what she really is. Just that she is drastically different” he said and my mind shifted in a painful stroke to Leah’s face and my sisters and parents. Nick and Abby. How was I supposed to live without them? How could I disappear on them, and never give them closure? I felt my eyes fill with tears again, and the air catch in my throat. It was hard to stop. 

“Simon, I’m so sorry,” he said in a gentle voice. He held my shoulder. “With my mind reading abilities and Alice’s visions maybe we can see who would accept the story and proceed with those people. Don’t give up hope. Perhaps we can stall them until you are ready,” he said and I could tell he was grasping for straws. There were no guarantees. I felt the tears on my face and Edward looked helpless. “I really am sorry for your pain. I’ll do everything to help you,” he promised me. I nodded, and tried not to think of them anymore. Burning and emotional pain combined was too much. I couldn’t withstand it. I felt raw and miserable. The flames didn’t let up. 

“Maybe we could take a break, talk more later? Would you prefer that?” he asked me, clearly not knowing what to do. 

Yeah, maybe for a while. But I’ll probably want to be distracted in a bit. Maybe you could tell me more about the vampire world, the history or something. But not now...I thought, realizing I wanted to mourn my human life. Never did I imagine I would be dying, yet also be sort of alive and still present to experience it, and...exist past death. Still here on Earth. It would be so selfish to ask Bram to throw his life away. To never change again. To exist on, dead, yet alive in a way. Would life be good again for the two of us? Could we be happy this way? I thought desperately. But then I paused, and I thought of the hundreds of times I saw Edward and Bella, and Jake and Ness happy. They had human friends. They went to school. They blended in to the best of their ability. They did have happy lives. It gave me some hope. Maybe Bram and I would go to Dartmouth again in the future. It was unclear. But not hopeless. There was a chance. 

I wished I could sleep. Apparently I never would again, which was difficult to wrap my head around. But I was changing. My senses were sharpening. My vision was already better enough that I didn’t need glasses. My hearing was so good it was unnerving. Maybe I would have an extra ability also. I tried to imagine what would be cool to have to occupy my mind, but it didn’t distract me well. Eventually I gave up and pictured Bram, replaying happy memories from the past few months. I felt like I would give anything to see him right now. I cringed and writhed with the flames, my mind pained with desire for Bram. Edward sat by my side, not speaking, but at least not making me have to suffer alone. That was my one solace. I wouldn’t have to do this alone.


	10. Sacrifices

Sacrifices- Edward- 10

"He's through here," I heard Bella say as they came into the foyer. I leaned over to Simon. "How are you?" I asked. He looked pale and lifeless. "Burning…" he moaned. It sounded like there was no change. Ness dabbed his sweaty forehead gently. Then I smelled Bram's scent as he came in. Bella and Jake stood next to him looking somber.

Bram spotted Simon and moved up to the couch. He knelt down next to him, his face looking pained and longing. Simon turned to see him then his breath caught, instantly he started crying. Bram cringed then cradled his face with shaking fingers and rested his forehead on his. "I'm here baby, it's okay" he crooned, stroking his face. Simon kept crying in relief, stress, fear, pain?; it was unclear. Maybe he finally felt like being with his lover was emotionally overpowering. 

"Oh Bram.." he gasped voice breaking. 

"It's okay ...it's okay sweetheart…" Bram whispered kissing his forehead, stroking away his tears. "I know honey, I know you've been worried," he said switching to stroking his damp hair. 

"Bram...I'm sorry..I love you…" Simon pleaded. 

"Shhhhh...shhh" Bram shhed him gently then kissed him tenderly on the mouth, to stop his cries. Simon was shaking, clearly in agony. 

"It really hurts.." he moaned after they broke apart. "Bram.." he moaned in longing. 

"I know baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry…" he said cradling him against him. He held him tightly as he burned. He whispered soothing comfort words to him as Simon cried himself out. Bram rested his head on Simon's, holding him close, cradled in his arms. Simon clutched him never wanting to let him go. "I love you. In any form Simon. I promise," he said kissing his hair. Simon cringed the burning worsening in the final hours. "I've got you, I'm sorry it hurts. It's almost over sweetheart," Bram said kissing his hand. He cupped his face with his other hand. I saw that his skin was turning cool and pearly. Bram stroked the skin, most likely feeling the change. His hair was a beautiful vibrant blonde, face as pale as the moon. An almost vampire. Bram caught my eye, and knew he was out of time. He rocked his boyfriend, kissing him everywhere; his face, his hair, his cheek. He seemed like he decided to lie, probably not to overly upset his ailing Simon. Simon looked at him, blue/gray eyes appearing vibrant purple, on their way to red. He wasn't crying anymore. Bram cleared his throat. "Baby, I'll be back soon okay?" He managed staying strong. "I love you Simon," he said kissing his head, eyes tearing. He hid it from him. 

"Please come back soon," he begged. "It's less painful with you here," Bram hugged him, hiding his streaming face. 

"I love you, so much" he repeated, wiping his face. 

"I love you Bram, forever. Nothing can part us," he vowed. He reached up with his face and Bram kissed his lips, which looked smooth and icy now. Bram pulled away. 

"Soon," he vowed and kissed his shut eyelid. Then he squeezed his hand and let go. Ness took his hand in his place and nodded to him sadly. I grasped his shoulder leading him into the hall. Bram was going to pieces silently, heartbroken by the goodbye. He stopped and looked at me looking helpless. I hugged him and Jasper flitted into the room, sending comforting emotions to ease his pain. Bram was able to regain himself and pulled away, and wiped his nose. 

"I promise we'll be in contact and make sure that Simon is able to speak to you. We will reunite you as soon as he is able to withstand proximity to humans. But again I don't know how long that will take," I said apologetically. "What are your plans now?" I asked. 

"I would like to go back to Washington with your family to get to understand Simon's new world, my world, if that's all right," he checked. "But please, keep him safe," he said, pleading. I nodded, promising.

Carlisle joined us, beaming. "My name is Carlisle, I am the head of the Cullen family and Edward's father. I would be delighted to bring you home with myself and my wife Esme. We can teach you everything there is to know about us and what to expect. You will be perfectly safe." He assured. And Carlisle, radiated warmth. Bram nodded. 

"We will stay here until it is safe to return," I said, clasping Bram's shoulder. 

"Please take care of him," Bram said again, pained by his separation. I nodded again and hugged him goodbye. After that, Bram departed with Carlisle and Esme. 

That night Jasper, Emmett, Jacob, and myself were preparing to take Simon into the White mountains to hunt. It would be enough supervision to keep him safe. We had to leave shortly, he was in his final hours. Alice wanted to come in case of unexpected visions, and Jasper agreed, although Jake's presence may limit her. I moved to Bella and kissed her goodbye. 

"Keep each other safe. And Simon. Call us, we'll be worried," she said, nuzzling my face. 

"Of course, but we'll be safe, this is only a precaution," I assured her, kissing her hair. Jake had picked up Simon and carried him to the car. Ness looked after him, worried. "He's going to be okay Ness," referring to what could have been either of them. I touched her cheek and she smiled. It seemed that I have been forgiven. I still should talk to her later to make sure, however. But now wasn't the time. I turned and followed my brothers. We drove silently in the night. I ended up sitting next to Simon in the back seat of one of the cars, who writhed and moaned, not entirely lucid. I gripped his shoulder in comfort. I too remembered the agony of burning. Jasper blanketed us with calming feelings, which seemed to help slightly in Simon's tormented thoughts, while he burned. It was difficult having to hear the thoughts, but also my duty as a friend who ultimately had let him down. 

"I like Bram," came Alice's voice in the front seat. "He's sweet. I can see how much he loves him," she said. She already experienced several visions of him adjusting to life at the Cullens. Polite and eager to learn. I nodded, I was glad the visions were happy, but it was impossible to tell the time frame of the reunion.

"I hadn't mentioned it to you before, not much time to do so, but I can't hear his thoughts either," I said, speaking low. Alice turned in the seat to look at me. 

"Wow, that's incredible. The second time in your life that's ever happened," she said. She could still see his future easily, like Bella. "He must be another shield," she said.   
I wondered about Simon, how he would react to being new. If he would have a talent. I wasn't worried about him wanting to hunt humans; he was a caring gentle soul who never wanted to hurt anyone. His thoughts were exceptionally pure. I hoped his self-control would be similar to Bella's because it hurt me, keeping him away from Bram. I could never part with Bella. The one time I did, the pain of it nearly killed me. Never again. So I empathized, and felt terrible. Especially because it was my fault. I wondered about Bram. Would he eventually desire this life, as Bella had? To be with Simon forever? I never knew his thoughts, but his actions spoke volumes. I didn't know what to think. It seemed anything was possible. And if it did come to pass, our family was growing. But love always paved the way to family, and they were our best friends outside our family and Tanya's, which also had now come to include Garrett for the past seven years. He only recently managed a full vegetarian transition, struggling as Jasper had. But Kate was patient. He was her everything. 

I patted Simon's shoulder. Cringing as the fire retreated to his heart slowly; the final stages. We would arrive shortly. In time for his transformation to conclude outside. He would be stronger than all of us. A crazed newborn. But with Jasper, myself, Emmett, Jake, and Alice, it was as safe as we could execute the situation. "It's almost over," I comforted him, struggling to bear the fire in his thoughts with him, even somewhat. 

When we arrived, we set him on the ground, minutes from the conclusion. At this point the pain in his heart was the worst so far. He screamed, voice coming out in vampire velvet tones. His appearance was completely transformed. He reminded me of Jasper's build, hair golden. He didn't need glasses anymore. Minutes later his heart stuttered than beat one final time. Everyone held their breath. I saw him open his red eyes and he peered above him in shock. And then I heard my thoughts echo. I froze. I heard Jasper's tense thoughts echo as well and Emmett's. What on Earth? I stared at Simon, and saw a thought, my face looking from above at Simon. I heard absolute panic in Simon's thoughts. 

My eyes aren't open how can I see Edward? Is it a weird ability? Plus he's clearly not talking, but I can hear him thinking… thinking… What I am? What the hell? And then he puzzled over how I heard what the hell, in his thoughts. He shifted through dull murky human memories, and thought he remembered someone saying I heard thoughts. But, if that was true, why could he hear them? He spun to look at me jaw dropping. I stared back, equally stupefied. Edward? He thought. 

Simon? I thought. 

"Holy shit," he said, his vampire's voice shimmered pleasantly. He stopped to marvel at the sound. He stared around in shock. It's so clear… he thought. 

Yes. I replied in thoughts, and you can read minds like me. 

Wow, really? He thought in wonder. I can hear everything. And it's weird not breathing. But I like the scents and taste… Well.. Not Jake, he thought grimacing at him. All the others were still waiting for more. 

"I'm fine… It's just a lot… overwhelming ...and it appears I can read minds too…" he added, looking self conscious. 

Jake gaped at him. "That's crazy! Another mind reader!" 

"Oh wow, I'd love to hear Bram," he said looking eager. 

Well, no, you won't be able to. I thought. I can't hear him or Bella. Their minds are protected for some reason. Simon looked disappointed. 

Maybe it's good anyway, that we stay equals. It's hard, sorting what people are saying vs. thinking. And they're all taking over each other. He thought grimacing. 

You can try focusing on one voice and the others become white noise. Or maybe, you can try turning it off? I can't unfortunately. I thought. He pondered this then focused on stopping. I heard my thought echo blink out. I was impressed. 

Much better. Can you still hear me? He thought. I nodded. 

"How do you feel?" Jasper asked, impatience in his thoughts. He was worried for an emotional snap. Simon flashed to his feet and gazed in wonder at his pearly skin. 

"Shocked… Strong… Not tired, even though that was exhausting," he said. "I can turn my ability on and off," he said. 

"That's convenient," Jake added, moving closer. It was clear that Simon was not going to attack him. 

"Why do you smell awful? Is it because you're human?" He asked. 

"No I'm not. I'm a shapeshifter. I turn into a werewolf." Simon seemed to remember. 

"Yes, you saved my life. Thanks Jake," he said. He nodded to him. 

"Humans will not smell awful. They will smell so delicious, you may lose control. That's why we brought you out here. We need to teach you to hunt animals instead so you can be with Bram" I said. He looked around. 

"Animals? Like what?" He asked. 

"Deer, maybe mountain lions, that's it around here," Emmett said. 

"So you guys don't kill people?" He said. 

"Not anymore, but some of us had phases at the beginning. Bella and Ness are clear. Rosalie also, our other sister," said Alice. "We won't let you… If you don't want to," she said awkwardly. He flinched. 

"No never, I'll hunt animals with you guys," he said quickly. 

"It will become easier to see Bram when your thirst is under control," said Jasper. Then, for the first time, Simon touched his throat. It was odd how it took him so long to get there, like Bella. 

"So how do you hunt?" He asked. Emmett stepped up. 

"You let your senses take control and reach out to find the scent or hear heartbeats. Then the instinct is natural," he said. 

"But you can't let yourself hunt with humans around. Edward cleared the area," Jasper said. Simon looked uncomfortable, trying to cool his throat with his hand. 

"Let's go, follow us," I said leading the way through the trees. Simon kept up with me easily, stronger with his human's blood. I smelled deer and slowed. Simon stopped looking exhilarated. 

"That was amazing," he said smiling. 

"Let your thoughts reach out. Pick up the smells," I said. He closed his eyes and obeyed. 

"I smell them, deer?" He asked.

"Yes, follow your instincts," I said. He sunk into a crouch and ghosted through the trees. I followed and I heard Jasper shadowing ahead. I could tell Jake had phased to keep up. I heard Simon's thoughts. He positioned himself near the water, then sprang gracefully. He pinned a female and sank his teeth into her throat. He had some difficulty finding the best place, but he drank gratefully. He finished before I could reach the water, and pin a buck. He watched me as I sought the point on his neck where the flow was strong and drink. When I finished there wasn't a drop on me. 

"You make it look easy," he complained. 

"Centuries of practice," I said. We cocked our heads and heard Emmett and Alice hunting a few miles away. Jasper wasn't hunting. His expression was locked on Simon's face. I had to admit, I was stunned. Simon was not feral. Like Bella. Jasper felt annoyed. Why was it so hard for him? I thought about the concept of mentally preparing for what was coming. We told Simon about hunting animals when he was burning. Was that enough? He could still snap still. 

"Why am I still thirsty?" He asked. 

"You're new. It also means you're the strongest vampire right now, because you still have your human blood," I reminded him.

"Stronger than you?" He asked in wonder. 

"Yeah, and Emmett, my largest brother back here," I said. 

"Who are you?" He asked Jasper shyly. 

"I'm Jasper, I have an ability too. I'm an empath. I can influence the emotions of people around me," he said. 

"Wow, that's very cool," Simon said grinning and remembering I told him this. "What about the others?" He asked. 

"Let's keep moving, we'll tell you," I said taking off again but not so fast this time. 

"My sister Alice who came with us tonight, who is Jasper's partner, has visions of the future, but they are subjective. They change as people's choices change. They aren't a sure thing. It was how we knew you were in danger. She had a vision," I reminded. His thoughts were stunned. It was difficult to remember things while burning.

"My brother and sister Emmett and Rosalie don't have powers. Nor do Esme or Carlisle, our adopted parents. Carlisle helped attend to you. He's a doctor. He works with humans," Jasper said. Simon remembered Carlisle's face.

"Bella is my wife. She has a shield. She can protect her mind, and the minds of those around her. When she was human, I couldn't even hear her thoughts." I said. This is the first time Simon knew that Bella and I were husband and wife and he stared at me while we ran. 

"And Bram seems to have this too?" He said. 

"Yes, perhaps it is similar to Bella, or different," I said. 

"What about Ness?" He asked. I paused. I didn't want to explain everything about her yet. 

"She can share thoughts through touch," is all I said and he also remembered her showing him the vision of her first memory of him. It was becoming easier for him to shift through murky human memories.

We managed to find another herd of deer and Simon seemed to drink himself full. We reconvened to assess what to do next. 

"Should we go back to the house?" Emmett asked. 

I felt Jasper's doubt. It was more proximate to humans. But what exactly were we going to do out here? 

"I have an idea," I said. "Do you mind listening to my thoughts?" I asked him. He looked puzzled but I heard him listening again. 

I'm going to remember the taste of human blood and the smell, to see how you do. I thought. He nodded. 

I pulled up a memory of an old hunt, not Bella's hyper potent smell and taste. Simon jerked clutching his throat. I saw the expression in his eyes change. His breath quickened. Jasper moved forward but I raised a hand. Simon heard our anxious thoughts and peered into my face. He fought back. After a moment, I saw reason regain in his eyes. I smiled. 

"Ugh, that's awful," he complained, massaging his throat, which burned. "I don't think I can talk to humans yet, but I think I could deal if they were in houses a bit separated from us," he said, shaking his head to clear it. 

How is this possible?! Jasper thought, outraged, but held his expression. 

"Again," he said turning to Emmett. Overall it went rather well, we only needed to stop him from charging at Jasper once, but Jasper had the least amount of control in his memories, at the time. Simon was disturbed by the visions of the dead. Sickened. But after an hour, he barely reacted. True, an in person experience was far to come. But it was progress. We decided to go back to the house, which was fairly secluded anyway, and had many vampires keeping watch there. 

He rode with me, trading thoughts, thinking it was so cool, he could telecommunicate almost. 

There's a lot to be aware of. In a family, tensions can run high if everyone's thoughts and secrets were constantly accessible to me. Everything, even intimate moments. I learned that I needed to find a new space at night. Simon wondered what I meant. 

Well, if you think about it. We don't sleep. Our emotions and sense of touch are much more sensitive. We don't need to eat or even use the bathroom. We never get tired. Most partners… Well, in the evenings, they are occupied with passion. I thought. 

Wait a minute. All night? He thought shocked. 

Think about it, does it sound exhausting to you right now? I asked mentally.

I guess not, but that's a lot of sex, he said dumbstruck. 

When your partner is human, it's different. Humans are fragile. The act of sex could really hurt them, even kill them. It's better to wait until they are safe. But it's up to you what you do. I thought. 

There's more about me I'd like to tell you. About my family. I'd just like to wait for now. I added. He thought that was fair. 

Bram, I love him but I don't want to hurt him. I won't see him until humans barely bother me. And I certainly won't hurt him physically. I never could risk that. Do you… do you think he could still be attracted to me anyway? He thought, embarrassed. 

You haven't seen yourself. Our good looks are part of the package. It's meant to lure prey in. Bella seems to always have been attracted to me. But I think you'll find it's love that attracts us. I thought kindly. Simon thought about how Bram said he would love him in any form. 

When he saw you tonight, he did see some of your changes. Did he seem repulsed by them? I asked, knowing the answer. 

No. It was like there was no difference. Simon thought, they he ran back through Bram's visit and his goodbye. He swallowed, then his face scrunched up. He touched his eye with his hand, confused. 

We can't cry as vampires. Well, we can, but it's dry, without tears. I thought, gently.

What else can't we do? He thought. 

We can't eat or drink without coughing it back up. Women can't have children because their bodies can't change. But men can make sperm apparently. We can't go into the sun, it makes our skin shine, and would reveal the secret. We can't sleep. 

That's strange, but there are so many benefits it seems. Hearing thoughts. Super strength and speed. No more human needs. Not being able to be hurt. Being young forever. Apparently endless sex. What do you guys do with your other time?

We mainly live in Forks Washington because it rains and is the most overcast town in the United States. That means we can go outside, no sun. Every 20-50 years we attend high school, to keep up appearances. I have many graduation hats. We go to college. Travel. Visit our friends in the North, that also don't hunt humans. Basically these things. 

Wow…. High school over and over. Once was enough, thought Simon in despair. 

It helps cut down suspicion. It will be a while before we go again. We have college to finish. 

We can eventually go back? 

Once you're safe, you can do whatever. Our family has millions of dollars roughly. Alice sees changes in the stock market. You can go anywhere or do anything. Just not in the sun. 

Why can Ness do it?

It's complicated. I think I'd prefer she tell you. 

Okay. That's fair… We have a while. He said. 

Truly we do. 

And you don't mind us living with you? Really? That seems huge. 

No. We honestly think of you as family. It makes us strong, having more of us. Because we don't drink human blood, it lets us be less wild. We can form bonds of love. When other vampires only form small groups by convenience, or just travel as partners. 

So, Bram and I, we would become Cullens? he asked. 

If you want to. Our father Carlisle and mother Esme would adopt you. 

Wow, that's so nice. He replied. 

In the face of everything Simon, it's minimal. Remember, you look drastically different. You can't likely return to your family and friends. We could try and orchestrate a reunion. Us hearing thoughts helps. But it could be they will be afraid. They may think they are crazy. 

Simon looked pained. He held his head in his hands. Nora, Alice, Nick, Leah, Abby… God...I don't think I could live without them. I feel sick. I put a have on his shoulder. 

Maybe it's possible, but we can't say we're vampires. The Volturi will kill any humans that find out. And they all can't become vampires. Really, it only makes sense to change your partner. No one else. 

He thought about it. Who's the Volturi? 

A kind of vampire government that regulates vampire behavior. We can't make spectacles of ourselves or reveal our nature otherwise they will arrive and use their combined supernatural gifts to destroy any vampires who break the rule. We've dealt with them in the past. Narrow escapes. But again, I think it's best if Ness explains. 

There's a lot to learn. A lot to accept. And he thought it with a heavy heart. 

I know, that's why we all feel wretched. And we wanted you to choose death over this. All of us, save Bella didn't choose this life. It happened to us or Carlisle saved us because we were dying, and couldn't actually consent. 

Wow, and if you think about it, the same happened to me. 

Yes. And we're so sorry. We stole your life and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I thought, and felt it too my core. 

Simon didn't say anything, thoughts jumbled. Then they cleared. No, you we're trying to live in college. Trying to make a life. You didn't know you would be tracked in. You didn't expect an attack on your friends. Have you had human friends before? He asked. I nodded. So there you are, and I know you did your best to save me. You showed up with the whole family, and I'm grateful you saved my life… Or existence. I thought that it was really kind of him to be so forgiving. Perhaps it could change. I guess we don't know, but I'm not the type to hold on to hate. There are a lot of benefits to this life. Never growing old is a relief. I think my parents and two of my friends will accept me. Having Bram there explaining also could help. I mean, I'll tell them I was dying. No choice. 

We will do our best to arrange that. But not soon. We need time to think, observe the future, and get you stable. He nodded, understanding. He felt tired but not physically. Mentally. I let him zone out in peace. 

When we got home, we didn't have issues getting into the house. It was weird for Simon, not sleeping. He ended up typing on his phone to what I assumed was Bram. Eventually he lapsed into silence, deep in thought. I felt bad, because vampire life could be quite boring. 

What was less boring and very irritating to me was that Jake and Ness seemed to have reached full intimacy. It reminded me how Bella and I were on Isle Esme. Bella started shielding them at nights when they went out if they were close by. It made me furious that they were doing this. But I also couldn't ask them to leave or to go to another apartment or house because of tense times. I wasn't so mad at them that I wanted them to go away. Bella spoke to me briefly about it, saying she didn't love it but understood it, and how our daughter had never seemed happier. Except when she stressed over Simon. 

There was a tense afternoon when she finally explained how she came to be to Simon, and how we were related. And she also explained our past with the Volturi. He stared bug eyed at us, and was grateful when Emmett offered to take him on a hunt. 

Simon seemed like he kept in continual contact with Bram. That seemed to be helping. I once saw his phone screen accidentally. 

Who's Blue? I asked.

When Bram and I first met, we actually met anonymously on the internet and emailed each other and it took some time to reveal our identities. I thought it might be nice for us to continue those old emails..He used the name Blue and I used the name Jacques. You have to remember we went to high school in Georgia, and it's not exactly progressive. It was tough but by senior year we were out and together. I smiled, thinking it was a good love story, and a good way to remind each other of their roots in a tough time. 

Two weeks after hunting animals we decided to walk Simon through neighborhoods, under heavy guard. It was tense. But he passed. At the month marker, we took him on campus. He had a hard time focusing on breathing and needed to leave quickly, but no one died or was injured. He talked with Jasper in the evenings about ways to control himself. Weeks later, he finally seemed ready to mingle. He did everyday for a week, and managed it as well as Jasper did for many years. 

We were planning to go home. I thought Simon was doing well with the separation from Bram, but several times I accidentally caught thoughts I wasn't supposed to, with Simon grieving and dry crying in silence, missing him terribly. I knew not to disturb him. I'd feel the same if I needed to separate from Bella. It was unthinkable. When I was away, I simply existed. Nothing more. Simon was doing better than I was. But he also was still in contact, unlike my situation. 

The night before going home, I was playing chess with Alice when a strange look crossed her face. 

"I had a vision about Carlisle going for a walk with Bram but then it blinked out." She said, and I saw it too. For whatever reason, unexplained, I thought this was more significant than the others thought after we shared it with them.. I reached for my phone but it rang. It was Carlisle. 

"Carlisle," I answered, an urgent tone in my voice. 

"Edward," he answered and I heard it. I heard what I dreaded for many years. The same desolate tone in his voice from our last encounter with the Volturi. It was also from when we all thought Bella was dying or all of us were at the hands of the Volturi. I froze into ice, waiting for the worst. 

"I was told to call you," he said, voice pained. 

"Who?" I breathed. At this point I knew the others were gathered around me as still as statues. I couldn't concentrate on their thoughts. But I knew Simon was listening to me so it was like he was on the phone too. 

"We have the company of half human vampires. They work for the Volturi." He said. If my heart could stop, it would. 

"Surely you are stronger… You can defend yourselves," I breathed. And a few people in the room gasped in fear. 

"Edward… They outnumber us 10 to 1," he said, voice dead. I couldn't speak. 30 part vampires?

"What do they want?" I managed. 

"Alice, Bella, Jake, and Ness. Or we die," he managed. I couldn't breathe. Not me? That was the worst part. Taking my wife and daughter but not me. "If you attempt an attack, it will be instant death. I assure you, it's no bluff." He said. I couldn't. If I had the ability to have a normal stomach, I'd throw up. 

"We can't not come…" I managed. 

"We discussed it. We don't want you to. It is our wish," he says solemnly. 

"No," I begged. "No we can't," I said, voice breaking. 

"We can't allow this either. Even Bram won't risk Simon. He said he'd die right now to protect him," he said. "We agree," he said.

I didn't know what to do. I loved my father more than anything… except Bella and Ness. I loved Alice. I couldn't risk her being taken. Could I risk them? No. No we needed a plan. 

"Tell them… Tell them to wait while we decide. We're going to come up with a plan Carlisle. We promise," I said, swearing to him. He tried to protest but I ended the call. 

Then I dropped my phone and couldn't move. 

No one did, the only sounds were the heartbeats. Then Bella was at my side. "Tell me," she breathed. I didn't think I could. I couldn't think of a way out. Alice was blind. I looked at her and her eyes were terrified. 

"Half vampires, a large group have them. The are working for Aro," I breathed. Ness looked like she was going to throw up or pass out. Jake moved forward to catch her.

"And they want us," Bella replied, knowing them so well. 

"You, Alice, Jake…., And Ness," I said the words burning on the way out. Ness sank to the floor. Jacob stepped back and ripped to his wolf form, unable to contain himself. Simon looked confused and worried, but also aware what the Volturi coming meant. His mind was frozen on what Bram had said to Carlilse. Jasper's expression was black as death. Not his Alice. 

"You can't give yourselves up," said Emmett without preamble. 

"Are you so ready to lose Carlisle?" I asked in a dead voice. "Esme?... and Bram," I said unwillingly looking at Simon. He also sank to the floor next to Ness, clutching his hair. Not confused anymore about this one aspect.

"No.." Alice moaned. "Not for me," she whispered. 

"What?" came Jasper's voice, loud and cold as ice splinters. His expression was deadly, teeth bared. His thoughts were clear. All of us would die before Alice if it was his choice. 

"They won't kill us," she whispered. "We're too valuable," she said. There was an ear splitting crash as Jasper picked up and threw a glass table. It broke into thousands of pieces, the shards bouncing off of the walls and floors. We flinched, but held our positions.

"There is no way," he growled. She looked at him beseechingly but I read in her eyes that if she chose to go, she would evade him. 

He read it too and got in her face. "What do you expect me to do?" He snapped. "Let you go, f..forever?" He gasped, voice breaking on the last word. 

"No. I expect the rest of you to gather everyone, and come to Volterra," she said clearly. Simon picked his head up, wanting to know what Voterra was. I told him through thought and he nodded his thanks. 

"Everyone?" He asked. 

"The packs, all the vampires from before. Anyone else we can find. They won't stand a chance." 

"Bella's shield…" Rose whispered, and she was right. It was the only reason. 

"They can't stop me from shielding without killing me. When you arrive, everyone will be protected." She said. Until they did kill her, I thought in agony. And they would to save themselves. 

"How will you know when we get there?" Emmett asked. Jasper did not relax. In his mind, all of this was moot because she wasn't going.

"Alice. Hold the packs back and send Edward or Carlisle first, she will see them," Bella said. I locked eyes with her. How could I even begin to let her go? And Ness. How could I live with the deaths of my parents, and more plots to kill us in the future. There was no escaping it. No matter what, we'd never be safe until they we're dead. But some of us would die. Including my own family. 

"Was there ever a chance to outrun this?" Rose said in a dead voice, voice the same as mine. "Alice can't see them anymore. At least this time, we know almost everything involved," she said. 

"How could you go with this plan!?" Jasper roared. "They will never let you go, or they will kill you!" Jasper yelled. Alice looked at him and he glared at her furiously. 

"Would you let me go Alice?" He challenged. Her face twisted in pain. No, is what she thought mentally. But she didn't want Carlisle and Esme to die. 

Can we take them at the house? Jake croaked mentally.

"They will light them on fire instantly the moment we try. I know it," I said in a whisper. 

"We're all individuals," Ness said suddenly. She got up, looking strong and brave, tears in her eyes. "We all have a vote. No one can control anyone else's decision." She added, looking at me, but avoiding Jasper. He scared her slightly. 

She looked to her mother. Bella looked anguished back. Then her eyes met mine. She dropped her mental shield. 

Edward. If it was Charlie, I'd never not go. You feel the same. 

I looked into her eyes, mesmerized by hearing her thoughts, agonized also.

What if we never had forever? This may be all we were allowed. If I'm leaving this world, I know we're leaving together. I mouthed Ness's name, and her resolve almost crumbled. 

She's…. Not mine anymore. She is free to choose as we are. We can't stop her. And I felt such acute pain in her mind. I wanted to hold her. The shield returned.

"I'm going," she said and everyone stared at her. I couldn't move. 

"So am I," said Emmett. Rosalie looked overwhelmed with emotion, but nodded, unwilling to let him go without her, and also knowing she could never stop him. I looked at Jake and he was staring back, my burning man look from before in his eyes. He was terrified. He couldn't choose. He couldn't lose Ness. 

The others looked anguished. But I knew Alice was going. Even if Jasper didn't. She was trying to decide if she should lie. I looked at her, and shook my head slightly. It just was wrong. If she wanted to go, Jasper couldn't stop all of us, she was going if she wanted to. Ness turned to Jake.

"Will you go with me?" She asked him, eyes locking with his wolf eyes. I could see tears in his eyes. His heart raced. But he bowed his head. Accepting his fate. He wouldn't live without her either. He would end his life to save hers. But he knew she was going. And it made him feel better, that he was going with her to Volterra. And was disconnected from the pack. She hugged his wolf neck.

"I will," I said moving to Bella and pulling her into a hug. 

Everyone looked at Alice. Jasper looked more like a vampire than I'd ever seen him. "You can't," he said, lips barely moving. She looked heartbroken and I saw a vision of what was coming with her thoughts. I cringed. I didn't want this. 

"Jasper…" she whispered. Something in the tone meant something to him. "Let's go, follow me," she begged trying to avoid the vision. 

"No," he snarled. 

"Jaz please, I need you to...I see.. " he cut her off. 

"You can't.. You can't Alice you promised you'd never leave me," he said voice starting to fail. I wanted to leave to avoid this scene, but Bella was frozen in my arms. 

"Sweetheart…" she said afraid and desperate, the vision locking in. I looked at Emmett trying to stop him from what he was going to do in thirty seconds. He wasn't looking at me. Then Jasper reached forward and grabbed her arms restraining her. "Jazz no.." she gasped not caring about herself, but Emmett, who barrelled forward at Jasper knocking into him full force. Alice screamed as she was dragged forward too, unable to shake off Jasper. I dashed forward, intent on releasing her. I got inadvertently knocked aside as they crashed through the living room and landed on the dining room table. It splintered. Jake tried to get a hold of Jasper's arm with his teeth but he was tossed against the wall. A few bones breaking in the side that made the impact. Ness screamed. I looked at Simon and he read my mind. He dashed forward and caught Jasper, he was strong enough to pull him off of Emmett and help restrain him, a new vampire. Finally, he couldn't move, and everyone stared at him, horrified..He thrashed but knew he was beaten. He couldn't get free with Emmett helping. Ness rushed to Jake who phased back, wheezing in pain.

"It's okay, I'm healing already," he assured her. Alice moved forward, looking pained. There hadn't had a physical fight among us that wasn't playful in many years. Jasper looked at her and I read his mind. He realized as long as we all were here, including Simon, he could never keep her safe. She was going. He couldn't stop her. And he broke. Switching from anger to anguish to hopelessness. He sank to the floor giving up. The others didn't let go yet. He gasped and started sobbing. Dry crying like I had myself recently had before. There was a wordless scream of pain in his head. Emmett looked down at him, appalled because he had never seen him act this way. Alice dropped to her knees, her eyes pricking with unshed tears. They let him go and he dropped to all fours.

"I'm sorry…" she moaned reaching for him. He didn't throw her off at her touch. "Baby, I'm so sorry…" she said pulling him into a hug. She rested her head against his shushing him gently. Stroking his blonde hair. "I love you...I love you and I don't want to hurt you sweetheart," she said pulling him up to kiss his face. He didn't, pulling back.

"I can't do it...I can't let you go...I can't…" he sobbed. And I felt something in me break. It made it too real, because I felt this exact pain for Bella. I just couldn't break down also or fall to the floor because I was frozen. "Please… Please don't, I'm begging you," he said hugging her. 

"Jaz.." she said breaking down herself. "Jasper, honey it's not like that… It's not like that. I could never leave you, not that way," she pleaded, holding his face. She kissed him and he cried weakly, still connected to her mouth, moaning, then broke off. I had to go. It was too much to take. He needed to be alone with her. I read his mind and he wouldn't attack again. She was kissing his face and comforting him while he continued to gasp in pain, whispering her name. "Baby, I'm sorry. I love you…don't cry… Jasper, honey please…" she whispered, voice breaking.

Simon followed me out, looking terrified. Because the force of Jasper's heartbreak had exploded across the room, blanketing all of us. It was much worse for the two of us, because we were also reading his mind.

Bram. He thought of with searing pain. They had him. His baby. He couldn't. He couldn't imagine it. I caught him as he stumbled, seeming to lose his grip on what was happening.

I don't think he's hurt. I rushed to assure him. He's going to be okay. My father would have told me. They are protecting him. Simon thought about Jasper's crying and felt like he wanted to too. I honestly wanted to also, like before. Everyone did. Simon was sick with worry. He didn't want them to surrender themselves. But he also couldn't help but selfishly want Bram free. He felt ashamed. Simon, I understand. I'd feel the same way. We're going to work on a plan. I assured him. Bella caught up and clutched my hand tightly. I could read the pain on her face. She couldn't bear the loss of myself or our daughter, not thinking about herself most likely. She never did.

Ness caught up with us also and Jake. He didn't have clothes from phasing but we avoided our eyes. He was hurt, I could tell from his thoughts bones were broken. It hurt badly. Ness regained my attention.

"I'm sorry, but you understand, we can't leave them. And they won't stop coming. Why lose them if this is inevitable?" She said and I knew she was right. 

I couldn't imagine them imprisoned in Volterra, possibly being tortured. But no. Bella would shield them. No doubt about it. If we could attack from inside and out, we would prevail. The ancients weren't incredible fighters. They could feign poor fighting skills, then fight strongly when the time came. 

"Where Ness goes I go," Jake said, huffing. I nodded my thanks to him. 

"You should contact Sam. Ask if he wants to help or evacuate," I said. Jake nodded. 

"I'll call tonight, or in the morning," he said. I felt bad because he was limping. And I could feel the pain worsen.

"Should I look at that?" I asked. I studied medicine, but had nothing on Carlisle. Jake glanced at me then bent to sit down on a couch, jerking in agony. He didn't like thid sort of thing, so it must have been pretty bad. I sat next to him and probed his hip and ribs. He flinched. "I'll need to wrap these ribs. Bella?" I asked. She turned and flitted away to get bandages. I moved his leg to see if his hip was healing correctly. He flinched but kept most of the pain off his face. 

"I think your pelvis has a break. But I need to move it, okay?" I asked. He nodded and closed his eyes. I did so as carefully as I could, but he still yelled, throwing his head back, a tear of pain escaping. Ness stroked his hair comfortingly looking upset. "There, it's done. You need to keep it still. I'll get you a blanket," I said. He groaned. He knew this would take all night to heal. Bella returned with bandages and tape. Jake held still stoically as I taped him up. Ness flitted away, then appeared with shorts and a blanket. 

"I couldn't possibly sleep now, we need to strategize," Jake complained but he looked exhausted and had a cold sweat going from shock. 

"Alright, chime in when you want, we'll be in the next room," I said, knowing he wouldn't take my order to sleep. I was relieved to hear that Alice had gotten Jasper out of there. Ness sat next to him on the couch after helping him put on the shorts. I made sure he was readjusted after and he bit back another yell of pain. Then I joined Bella in the other room. I could barely think about what just happened. Was I really going to allow my wife to surrender herself tomorrow? I knew they wouldn't take me. Not including me was a clear message. We were much stronger together, and this was punishment for me. The thing that needed to be decided was which plan had the best odds of survival. Right now, walking away would result in three certain deaths. Showing up technically could result in the same way, but I knew Aro's mind. If he was offering a trade, it was likely good. So showing up meant that four could likely die, but less than likely, because they were what they wanted. If they cooperated, it was doubtful they would be hurt. I worried about Jake. What could they possibly want to do with him? She said Aro was interested in a genetic quality back in New Hampshire. We're they going to force him to spread his genes, so they could have werewolf offspring? So forced sex? Essentially… rape? I gagged, tormented with this unbidden thought. This was what Jake was facing, and as soon as I thought about it, I knew I was right. Now that I realized it, I knew I had to tell Jacob, I thought with a sickening pang. It wasn't right to keep this. He most likely hadn't gotten there himself mentally. And if his answer was no, likely what my answer would be if I were in his shoes, he needed to run tonight with Ness. Or as soon as he healed.

"Bella?" I said, the tone of voice messed up. She looked at me and read my expression, looking worried. "I need to talk to Jake, please." I said. She gazed at me but read that I wasn't about to explain. 

"That's fine honey. Come back to me soon," she said and kissed my lips.

I made myself sound loud to prevent overhearing anything I couldn't or shouldn't hear what Jake and Ness were doing. When I rounded the corner, Jake and Ness was staring at me expectantly. "I need to talk to Jake for a minute Ness," I said with no emotional inflection. She stood up immediately and drifted back toward the others, who looked terrified. But she was hoping to help brainstorm anyway. I sat next to him and he looked at me; his face was grim. He knew this wasn't good. 

"I swear I haven't moved," he said. I smiled wanly. 

"No, I need to tell you something I realized," I said, but then my throat felt tight and uncomfortable. Jake knew me better now, because he looked concerned at my expression. "This isn't easy to say so I need a minute," I said, trying to buy time. 

"If it's about Ness and me…" he started. 

"No...no, it's about why the Volturi may have an interest in you." I said, worried he already knew and also hoping that he hadn't. 

"That they might expect me to be their guard dog?" He replied. "I know and I'm going to have to go along with it if I want to protect her," he said voice desolate. I felt sick with explaining this. I almost felt like it was better for him to talk to Rosalie, the only other person I knew of in our family who suffered from this. I reached out and grasped his shoulder. He looked alarmed by this gesture. I never did this. 

"No... I figured out that they must be doing genetic experiments to get half human half vampires. It seems to be their new weapon," I said. He stared blankly, not getting there. 

"Jake... I think they want the pack's alpha for his genetic material…" I said softly. He still looked confused then his pupils dilated. His mouth popped open. 

"Do you mean...that they want to mate me with people to get werewolves…" he said in a small voice.

"Probably the half vampires," I said, feeling sick for him. He looked away looking green. I snatched a trash can and gave it to him so he could throw up. He did so looking miserable. 

"It's probably shock from the broken bones," I said kindly, to spare him. He nodded, looking upset. 

"If you want to run with Ness we understand…" I said calmly. "No one expects you to endure…" I couldn't say it. 

"Rape," he breathed. At that point I had no idea what to say. I had no advice I could offer. I didn't even know what I would do. 

"She's going to want to go and I'm not going to be able to explain this to her…" he said in a surprising calm voice. I stared at him in shock.

"Listen, please do me this favor," he looked at me looking panicked. His eyes were full of tears. I felt at a loss, upset that he was losing composure. "Please don't tell her. If anyone is going to, it will be me someday. I can't bear it. Her knowing," he said sniffing as tears started running down his face. "I'm sorry," he said looking away. I couldn't believe he was still going to go.

"No, come here," I said pulling him toward me and hugging him, but careful not to jostle him.. He clutched me back trying to get his breathing under control. "I'm so sorry," I said patting his back. "It's going to be okay," I said even though it sounded empty. How could it be okay to know you were going to be raped, and you were accepting it? He gasped, thinking it too. "It's okay," I said again. "You can get through anything. I know you can, you're strong," I comforted. And eventually time heals all wounds, I thought. He let go and I gave him some tissues. "We will do our best to break you out before that happens. I promise," I said looking into his eyes. 

"And you won't tell her, or anyone?" He verified. I nodded feeling like it was a deal with the devil. But could she ever forgive me… I'd be betraying her. And I knew he'd rather die than do that.

"No...Jake no… No it's not that. You're trying to save her life," I said voice hoarse, tormented by what was happening. He gasped and more tears fell. 

Ness came back, we looked at her and she looked at Jake's red eyes and tears and gasped. She moved up to him and reached to cradle his face. 

"Honey, what's wrong?" She asked sounding panicked. She looked at me and she couldn't help but wonder if it was my fault. She wiped his tears gently and he stared agonized at her face when she wasn't looking. Then he spoke instead of me, and she looked back. The expression was gone.

"It's nothing, Edward had to reset a few of the bones. They weren't quite right. I'm a baby," he lied easily. 

"Oh, no you're not, it's okay," she said, hugging him gently. "Can he have painkillers?" She asked me. 

"Yes, I'll be right back," I said robotically. I decided not to harbor any negative thoughts against him anymore. Jacob Black was more mature and self sacrificing than me. Willing to experience the worst thing on Earth to protect her life. I couldn't ever hope for more and couldn't want almost anything less. Less than what we were going to do.


	11. Surrender

Surrender- Jacob -10

When my pelvis healed and the planning finally ceased after hours and hours and hours, Ness and I were finally alone in her room. She hugged me and I could feel the stress in her shoulders. Nothing compared to what I was hiding. I felt like it was killing me. Like a terminal illness. And carrying it without her knowing made it even worse. But how could I tell her? If we ran, it was likely that eventually, we would get slaughtered. They could track us. Sneak up when we were sleeping. Ultimately that plan was always flawed. But going along with the charade, taking the opponent out, it was the best chance for a lifetime of safety. So how would she agree to go if she knew I would be sexually violated? I'd never let her be. I'd die first. And so, I knew she would feel the same. So I had to keep it in. And hope she would forgive me someday. It was all I could come up with. I couldn't think about it. It was making me feel a piercing pain in my chest. I looked at her longingly, and she returned the look. I raised my eyebrows. A question. She nodded and folded into me, pushing me back into the bed. Her light gentle touch stroked me gently and I lost myself in the pleasure of being seduced by her. She undressed me and kissed my bruises from the encounter with Jasper. 

"Do you hurt?" She asked kissing my recently healed pelvis. 

"No, it will likely fade today," I said. And she lay on my chest kissing my mouth. She worked her magic, bringing me to life with her hands and then her mouth. I had to stop her, or the evening was going to end early. When she finally was making love to me, on top, I felt my heart race but not in pleasure. Against my will, I finally gave head space to the prospect of being forced to have sex with strangers. Half vampires. Half vampire killers who had human blood on their breath. Would it hurt? It couldn't… Because if I didn't ejaculate, it would mean no babies. And they would take it out on her. So….I had to feel good with...not Renesmee. I had to come with other women. And betray her, even if it was against my will. I felt vomit build again, and a pounding in my ears. My breaths came in strange gasps and my heart felt like it was uncomfortably being squeezed. She didn't realize what was happening. Nor did I. Why couldn't I breathe? My eyes began to water against my will and there was a piercing pain in my throat. Oh no. I begged. No please, don't don't. But I thought of the red eyed women and having to be naked with them and have sex with them and it made me feel so sick and afraid. Tears started running and I couldn't physically stop. I couldn't breathe. Dimly, I realized I was having an anxiety attack. I gasped. Ness stopped. She looked at me carefully and her eyes went wide. 

"Oh my God… Honey… What's wrong," she asked disconnecting from me and reaching for my face. I couldn't answer, physically or because I decided not to already. I gasped trying to stop and it was a sob. There was no hope for it. The anxiety attack took hold. I continued to sob, the hardest since Bella's wedding night all those years ago. And before that, when my mom died. 

"Sweetheart…. Oh honey, what's wrong?" She asked wild eyed and cradling me. I shook my head, howling with misery. "It's okay baby…. Shhhh," she tried stroking my face. "It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay honey…." She said, guessing I was crying about that. I shook my head, tears racing down my face. I was so afraid. I wanted her to hold me. I didn't want this. I didn't want to accept this. It hurt so much to imagine it. It sent a fresh wave. 

"Oh honey… I'm so sorry…. I'm sorry," she said kissing my cheeks, dabbing my eyes. I wasn't getting better. She could tell I was hysterical. She began to pull away and put on a T shirt. She pulled the covers up on me. Where was she going? I didn't want to be alone. I felt panicked. I reached for her and she took my hand. "Jake sweetheart, I'll be right back, love. Okay?" She comforted. I nodded weakly, throat hurting from the uncontrollable sobs, eyes burning with salt. She left and was back in five minutes. She wasn't alone. I smelled Jasper. He looked like hell, but he was composed. 

He reached out to me and touched my shoulder. Instantly I felt myself begin to calm. And felt the piercing pain in my chest fade. After a few more moments my breaths slowed. I was able to stop crying, though it was hard. Ness came back and stroked my hair. Jasper let go. 

"Is that better Jake?" He asked, not asking why. It was clear why, well. There were good enough likely reasons why. I nodded, sniffing. Shocked by what happened. 

"Thanks Uncle Jasper," Ness said fervently. 

"If it happens again, please come get me," he said kindly. Then left. Ness climbed into bed. 

"Jake baby, I'm so sorry honey… You poor thing," she said, cradling my head and holding me tightly. She stroked my hair continuously and kissed my dry lips softly. 

"Please tell me what happened," she begged me, kissing my hair. 

"I...I'm just worried… In shock...I don't quite know," I admitted, and technicality, all the statements were true. She dabbed my tears away with a wet cloth and kissed my eyelids. 

"And it hit you right then?" She asked. Referring to our sex. 

"Well I just thought about maybe never being able to be with you again, or something similar and I lost it. I'm sorry," I said, a few more tears leaking. 

"Shhhhhh. Don't say sorry," she said kissing me softly on the temple then resting her forehead on mine. "Don't ever say sorry. If you need to cry, I want to be able to hold you," she said then kissed my lips. "And I'm right here. I've got you," she said snuggling down next to me and wrapping her arms around me. She stroked my arm as I cried a little longer. Not nearly half as bad. She whispered comforting words to me. She told me she loved me several times. It felt good. I could almost lie to myself and convince me that she was consoling me about what I was afraid of. I turned to look at her. 

"Baby, I'm so sorry you're hurting," she said, gently dabbing my face. I never wanted her to let me go. I wish I could tell her what was really wrong. So she could stop me. But she couldn't. 

"Ness…" I started, voice still rough. "If I ever did anything to upset you, you know, really upset you… If I was sorry, could you forgive me?" I asked, looking into her eyes desperately as mine leaked. 

"Honey, where is this coming from?" She asked in alarm, wiping away the new tears. 

"I just want to know," I pressed, closing my swollen eyes. She paused, and her eyes were pained. 

"Is it because you don't want to go and surrender yourself? Honey, that's not an insult to me. I wish you told me how upset you were, honey. I decided for us...I feel terrible," she said, tears in her eyes. I mean, of course, I didn't want this. And I was very upset, but I couldn't let her think it was her fault. 

"No," I gasped. "No it's not that. I just wanted to know," I said and had to stop talking otherwise the hysterics would return. I could feel them building. I thought she knew this too because she kissed my teary eyelids. 

"Of course sweetheart. Of course I could. I love you. I'll always love you. You don't have to worry," she said and hugged me as the hysterics floated to the surface with the spike of emotion I felt at her words. "I've got you… I'm here. You're safe. I love you honey," she said gently, stroking my back and cradling the back of my head. "It's going to be okay…" she crooned. When the tears finally ran dry, I felt abruptly exhausted and haggard. My hurting swollen eyes really took a toll. "I want you to sleep…" she said laying me down on my pillow and brushing my hair back out of my swollen eyes. "Don't worry, I won't let you go." She said snuggling down to spoon me. "Sleep, baby," she whispered, stroking my arm with a feather light touch. "I've got you. You're safe," she repeated, kissing the back of my neck. I was too fragile to think anymore. I couldn't. I gave in to the oblivion of sleep. 

The next morning I felt brittle, like I could break at any moment. Maybe I would. We emerged from our room, and Ness treated me carefully. My eyes were still pinched and a little swollen. I saw Edward sitting with Simon at the table and Edward looked up and met my eyes. I looked back feeling a little dead and I could see he felt compassion for me. He closed his eyes for a moment as if a thought was difficult to withstand, then dropped his gaze back to the plan sheets. 

The plan was relatively simple. We would reach out to the other vampires from years before, and explain the slightly different situation. This would absolutely be an attack, no question about it. We would surrender, and Bella would tell Aro that she had perfected her shield, and found a way to permanently shield us. And he would have no way of confirming the truth of this. No matter what, the plan would be safe if our minds were safe. If they tortured us or killed any one of us, we agreed to fight, all of us, which may lead to us dying together. But we wouldn’t let one of us be killed. Edward and I were the only ones who knew what would happen to me. I was careful not to think about it right now because Simon was here. Plus if I thought about it anymore, I would most surely break down again. Ness held my hand and stroked my arm gently. She could tell I was upset, because she knew me. She was trying to comfort me. I craved her touch, especially because the first thing these vampires would do, would be to separate me out and put me into some terrible holding room. I shivered. Ness held my hand tighter. 

It’s okay baby. I know you’re having a rough time right now. I love you. She sent me with her gift. I wish I could come clean. I looked down and felt slightly faint. Simon and Edward both looked up. Edward looked upset, Simon confused. I raised a hand in an I’m-fine, gesture and stepped out. 

“I’m going to call Sam,” I told Ness who looked anxiously after me. The conversation with him was terrible. We always knew this wasn’t over, but it was different to be living it right now. Sam was more upset about my decision to surrender than Carlisle, which was understandable. But as soon as I said Ness was going he fell silent. There was nothing he could say, and he knew it. I felt the worst because of Sam’s baby. I begged him not to come, to send the packs only if he wanted, but to put his beta in charge. He didn’t answer, and I knew the decision weighed on him. He told me he needed to talk to the elders and would get back to me. Really, I didn’t want them to go, although it may mean sacrificing Ness and myself. I couldn’t bear it. I wanted to throw up. I went back inside. 

“We’re going to split up tonight. They didn’t ask for Rose or Emmett, they both will travel to South America to find Zafrina and company and then head to Egypt for Benjamin. I can’t get in contact. I already called Siobhan and they are coming. So are Tanya and family,” Edward said urgently. “Bella already bought tickets for us to go home,” his eyes flashed to Jasper’s face, and I had never seen him so pained or defeated looking. Alice stood next to him, looking at him with agonized eyes. 

“I can’t get in contact with Mary or Randall,” Edward went on. 

“I’ll call Peter,” said Jasper in a dead voice and stepped out of Alice’s gaze to go outside. Bella stood and took Alice’s hand. She must have looked upset, but she had moved and I couldn’t see her from here. 

Simon looked around anxiously and spoke, “Edward, how can I help?” he asked. Edward looked at him and Simon was so obviously new. It was terrible to include him in this. 

“I’ll need help with mind reading for the attack on the castle, we will have one of us on either side. Alice will see when we arrive and signal to Bella to drop her shield. She will be our inside agent.”

“How are we going to break out from the inside?” Ness asked with strain in her voice. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tight against my chest. I was so worried for her. 

“Once we penetrate the building, they won’t be focusing on you. They will be trying to fend us off. Join up with us to form teams. Try and break each other out of anywhere you’ll be held,” Edward said. I thought about the surrendering aspect. I knew what would happen roughly with me, although I hoped and prayed that we were wrong. But I knew we weren’t. I didn’t think they wanted much with Ness. Probably just as a punishment for Edward and Bella. Bella had already said that if they threatened her, she wouldn’t cooperate. I didn’t know what Aro had in store for Alice. How could he hope to control her? Well, he certainly wasn’t going to have access to her thoughts. As long as Bella was alive, she would have the shield on. She had practiced for so long. She could easily cast it to cling to any one of us, even if we were out of her sight. I didn’t know how the plan could go wrong really. They couldn’t stop all of us from attacking at once, and they were certain they had no outside help. I couldn’t help thinking about the part human vampires. How many of them would there be? Edward stood and hugged Bella gently. They had stopped planning and were packing up. I could read the old burning man look in his face. He couldn’t let her go. Ness stepped out from under my arms and walked over to her parents. She hugged them and they stood in a group, hugging tightly. Jasper hadn’t returned from his phone call, but I had the feeling he couldn’t face being in here right now. Simon walked over to me. 

“Jake, I’m so sorry for what’s happening, are you okay?” He asked and I could see the anguish in his eyes. 

“I’m hanging in there, but could you do me a favor Simon?” I asked heavily. He nodded quickly. “Do you mind just not reading my thoughts for a while, I’m stressed and it’s a bit personal,” I said looking at Ness. He could make of that what he would. 

“Oh of course, I’m not listening now, don’t worry,” he assured me. He looked upset and I knew he was worried about Bram. 

“I don’t think they will hurt them, they want us in a trade,” I told him kindly. He nodded, looking guilty. 

“Simon, none of us are upset because you’re worried about Bram. We are too and for Carlisle and Esme,” I said and he nodded his thanks to me. I knew Simon was a sensitive person, and often felt guilt. “I promise, I think Bram is okay,” I repeated, then walked over to the hugging Cullens. I felt tears prick in my eyes but held them back. Bella reached an arm out and enfolded me into the hug. I was so worried about all of us. I didn’t want anyone to die in the rescue attempt. I looked up and Edward looked at me. 

Please don’t die. You’re going to be a major target. I don’t know what we could do without you. You know Bella won’t live through it. I thought painfully. His eyes pinched and he nodded. This was so hard for him, for all of us. We broke apart and started hugging each other. Rose and Emmett needed to catch their flight. They parted and something about the plan actually starting really hit me hard. The final nail on our coffins. Alice left to find Jasper and I sat with Ness on a couch. I didn’t know who was holding who, or who needed more comfort among us. I felt sick in my heart. I wanted to run away and never come back. Edward patted my shoulder as he walked by with Bella. Simon was by himself and stood awkwardly. Ness gazed at him then motioned for him to sit next to her. He did and she took his hand. He sat and held it, looking miserable. 

“Si, keep my dad safe, please?” She asked him. He looked upset, but nodded. I was worried about the family. Was it possible, by a miracle that we would all survive? I gently disengaged myself from Ness and stepped outside to make a call. Seth answered on the second ring. 

“Hey Jake!” he said enthusiastically. 

“Seth,” I said and my voice was dead. He fell silent, recognizing something was wrong. “Sam is going to talk to you about an attack we are going to make on the Volturi in Italy. There are more details, but I want you to wait to hear the details from him. Just know that I’m so sorry,” I said and my voice got choked. I cleared it. 

“Oh my god, Jake, what’s going on?” he asked. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I just have a favor to ask please,” I asked. He listened. “Please don’t go. Don’t argue. Stay to protect Emily and the baby and my dad. Please don’t argue Seth. I don’t want Leah to go either. Tell her if she reaches out to you,” I said. 

“Jake, please, I can’t not fight with you,” Seth moaned. 

“Brother if you love me, you’ll do this. It’s all I can ask you now. Again I’m sorry,” I said voice breaking and I hung up and shut off my phone. I couldn’t let Seth die in Volterra. I just couldn’t live with that on my conscience. And I thought he would listen to me. Edward joined me. 

“How are you?” he asked and I knew what he meant. 

“I just can’t...I can’t hold it together. I need to do it before I lose my nerve. Otherwise I’ll panic,” I said, grasping the railing. 

“Jake, I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so sorry, I hope it’s not what we think,” he said, reaching, but we both knew the truth. 

Do you have advice? I asked and I had no idea what he could possibly offer as advice for this. 

“I mean...no, let me think,” he said sifting through memories of thoughts. “Maybe, try not to let it get into your head. It’s not cheating. It’s meaningless. None of anything that happens to us matters. The only thing that matters is surviving to reunite. You can always put yourself back together again, I know this is the worst thing Jake. And I don’t want you to take what I’m saying to mean what happens to you doesn’t matter,” he said anxiously. I knew he didn’t mean it like that. 

No, that’s helpful. It’s a mind game. I can’t let anyone break my spirit. And help will be on the way quickly. I said mentally looking at him. He nodded and the others began filing out. 

“They want to go to the airport even though it’s a little early,” Ness said walking out with Simon. I understood. It wasn’t like we could live with this weighing on us easily. Edward took Bella’s hand and followed us to the cars. Alice and Jasper appeared minutes later and were holding hands tightly. Jasper looked pale and Alice looked miserable. Edward drove one car with Bella and himself. I rode with Ness and Simon in Alice’s car. I held Ness against my body, and my heart felt like it was a bird trapped in a cage. Jasper glanced back then a calming mist fell over us. I tried to embrace it to anesthetize myself against the horrors in my mind. Ness stroked my arm and chest and I realized I was trembling. 

I love you. It’s okay baby. She sent me with gentle thoughts. It’s okay. God I wished it was. I buried my face into her sweet smelling hair and held more tears at bay. I was coming apart. 

Everything felt so fast. Already in no time at all it seemed, we were flying to Washington. I sat with Ness in the first class seat, just holding her against me. And appreciating the calming waves from Jasper. I just clutched her and time passed. Were we already about to touch down in Seattle? Edward turned in his seat to meet my eyes steadily. I closed mine and nuzzled Ness’s face. 

Hours later, though it seemed like minutes, we were driving to Forks. “Let’s walk in slowly, hand in hand, obviously not aggressive,” Edward said. I nodded but it was like I was hearing him from the other end of a tunnel. I felt dazed and off. Dizzy. Ness kissed the palm of my hand. I struggled to focus on her. I didn’t want to pass out. We parked at the end of the trail that led to their house and got out in a line. I held Ness’s hand and Bella’s. Simon held Ness’s. Alice and Jasper walked on his other side. We moved slowly and all I could hear was the thundering of my heart. I was starting to push back against Jasper’s helpful emotion control. Ness’s heart was racing also. When we drew close, Edward pitched his voice up and I knew Bella’s shield was settled safely around us. 

“We’re coming in, don’t attack.” he said. When the house came into view, I saw them. There were a few dozen half vampires staring back at us with red cruel eyes. I looked at the women and swallowed back vomit. Would these be my future partners? 

“No...no” came a faint cry; Carlisle on the porch. Esme looked devastated and Bram’s eyes were locked on Simon’s. The color drained from his face. They looked unharmed, like I said. “Edward, son, no, you shouldn’t have come,” he called out to us. Edward didn’t reply. It was too hard, without this too. A clear Volturi vampire, the one in charge, stood next to Carlisle. This was one I didn’t recognize. But they couldn’t send in people Alice knew. 

“Stop there,” he commanded and we did. I felt like I was about to give myself up to a pit. To jump in willingly and accept my fate. Ness squeezed my hand and my heart broke out in a sprint. 

“Are the one’s Master Aro has asked for here and ready to surrender?” He asked with a cruel smile. I closed my eyes, then opened them. I didn’t know who our spokesperson was. Bella spoke up. 

“Yes we are, but only after you release my father and mother in law and Bram,” Bella said, and there was a hint of steel in her voice I hadn’t heard before. The vampire glared at her. Then he gestured to a sleek black vehicle. 

“You’ll give yourselves up and get in there, otherwise we will kill all of your family,” he said. Bella nodded but then looked at Carlisle significantly. The vampire nodded and the half vampires stepped aside. Carlisle, Bram, and Esme moved to us quickly. Esme held Ness and Carlisle grasped Edward’s shoulder. 

“Don’t do this please,” he begged all of us. Edward shook his head and I could tell his gasps were vampire sobs. He held Ness who was also crying then kissed the top of her head. Then he held Bella and didn’t seem able to let her go. Carlilse and Esme hugged Ness, Alice, and me and Jasper was utterly beside himself. He couldn’t let Alice go. 

“Baby, you’ll save me,” she whispered to him and kissed him. “I love you,” she said looking in his eyes, and everyone was crying. I could feel it on my face too. I saw Simon clutching Bram to him in the background and then they both moved up to hug Ness gently. Bram was crying also. Everyone was. Edward clasped my shoulder, and I knew everything that was already said. Edward had to hold Jasper back when we started moving to the van. I did it as if in a trance, the only thing I registered was Ness’s hand pulling mine. We sat on a large seat that was like a small couch. I sat between Bella and Ness and hugged both of them tightly. Bella held Alice’s hand on the other side. When we pulled away we all cried silently to ourselves. This may be the last time we were seeing them again. The others stood stricken in the road behind us. Before we turned, I saw Edward fall to his knees. His entire family was in this car. I felt the reassuring feeling of Bella’s shield on us. They drove for a long time until finally stopping and ordering us out. There was a small private jet that obviously belonged to the Volturi. We were ordered on and were allowed to sit together. Alice tried desperately to see as we flew. I just kept holding on to Bella and Ness. Ness and I were so vulnerable, not immortals. I could barely think about anything. My mind felt like it was in freefall. Did we really give ourselves up to the Volturi? The flight was apparently 12 hours. But I felt like I was stuck in one infinite moment. I couldn’t sleep. I did use the bathroom once, but it was all I could manage. I couldn’t talk to Ness. I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t lie convincingly and keep up morale. In the final hour, I felt tears on my face again. Ness turned to look at me, then kissed them away and kissed me gently on the lips. 

I know baby. I love you. I love you. We’ll be together again. Dad is going to come for us. Don’t cry honey. She thought and sent me as she kissed me. I gasped once more and struggled to get control. I had to be strong like her. She wiped away my tears gently. 

“I love you more than a..anything,” I said, my voice catching one more time. She kissed me again, and sent me feelings, not words. She loved me just as much. Bella patted my shoulder, she loved me too. I wish I could tell her. But maybe also no. It felt locked inside me. At least Edward knew. And he would rush. Hopefully. How would they penetrate the castle? 

All to soon, they escorted us off the plane to the castle. I wanted to die or run. I swallowed back vomit. I couldn't stop shaking. Ness clutched my hand. 

I love you. I love you Jake. I love you honey. She sent me.

"I love you too," I managed. She thought they wouldn't separate us. No. Not possible. 

They brought us to a basement and some sort of big main room with wide wooden door. It was freezing down there. I moved like a sleepwalker. They shoved us in and we held hands. The shield was locked over us. I could feel it. Aro was there and who I also assumed was Caius. The last one wasn't there. Strange. 

"Welcome dear ones to our family. We are so delighted to have you. But he looked at me with cold eyes, and I knew he didn't mean me. 

"Renesmee you are so stunning. You grew up well," he crooned. She stared at him coldly. "And darling Bella, I don't think I've ever wanted an immortal more, since the lovely twins," he said looking back at her. Bella cringed and I had a feeling Jane tried to strike one of us. Probably me. The weakest link. She shook her head at Aro. 

"There is no need to shield. You will never be in danger," he said, and I knew he really was speaking to her. 

"Aro, things have changed, it's not possible," she said rather calmly. He stepped forward and offered her his hand. She took it and he led her forward. 

"What do you mean, my lovely?" he asked her.

"After many years I have developed a permanent shield," she said. "I cannot lift it," he stared into her eyes with an unfathomable expression. 

"How is that possible?" He asked. 

"I worked for a long time. If you doubt it, separate us. It won't change anything," she said. He gazed at her and offered her a seat in an ornate chair. I wondered if he intended it to be hers. 

"If that is the case. I would ask you to shield myself," he asked. She pursued her lips.

"For a price," she said. His eyes narrowed. "Aro, you can't force me to do anything. If you threaten us, we have chosen to die. You can't control me with any gift," she said. 

"Then why would you come?" he asked. She deliberated. 

"Maybe after all this time, it's the safest way for us. Although we will not consent to the werewolves being turned. It wouldn't be successful anyway," she said standing and walking back to us confidently. She was incredible. It wouldn't be successful because it was poison to me and I would die.

"I knew that already," he said smiling. "Perhaps describe what you want, I want you to stay with us. Forever," he said longingly.

"Fine," she said locking eyes with him. "Complete safety for us," she said. 

"Again, you already have that. No need to ask," he said. Well… Necessary for me. If she knew what they would do, she would have protected me. Damn it. 

"Okay. I obviously don't want my partner to lose me. The family wants to join us Aro. Why on Earth would you expect anyone to give up a partner?" She asked incredulously. He stared at her and he looked, guilty? 

"I considered it," he said. "I thought it would result in my ruin," he admitted. 

"Carlisle already was here at one time," she countered. 

"True," he agreed. " I want the other ancients cloaked also," he pressed. 

She glared. "Two more favors," she replied. He looked a bit overwhelmed. 

"Tell me love." He said. 

"The safety and inclusion of them extends to the whole family. That was your favor," she said. He nodded. "For Caius, we are never to be separated, unless on missions we agree to," she said. Caius hissed. 

"That seems reasonable," Aro agreed. "I know you will not live without dear Edward," he said. 

"Or my daughter and her partner. Or my parents or siblings," she continued. He nodded. 

"A section of this castle will belong to the Cullens," he agreed. 

"And for Marcus," she said, voice cold. "We will continue our diets. We will not feed on humans. You will bring us game that we want," she said, looking into his eyes, with a deadly expression. 

"And, you'll never leave us?" He pressed, "and lend your powers to us?" He asked. 

Bella looked to us and we all nodded. 

"Even the werewolf?" He asked and I knew exactly what he meant. My powers included my sperm. I nodded, not speaking. "Young Bella, you will need to prove loyalty," he said. "All of you," he said. 

"I will not shield you until you deliver my family," she said. "But yes, we can help. we want protection. We realize this is our best course. If we are permitted to not hunt humans," she said. 

"I believe we have a deal," he said. "You will remain together. You will not be confined. I only ask to take young Jacob to demonstrate loyalty first, I'd like to borrow him for a few days," he said smiling. Bella looked at me. I nodded, swallowing vomit. It was the only way to protect everyone. 

"I expect a contract for us to sign. Breaking of the contact will result in violence," Bella said. "And I expect Jake's safety during any of the times you need him to be included," she said squeezing my hand. "And he has agreed to stay. Not his brothers or sisters. He does not decide the fate of the whole pack," she added, with ice. 

"We will deliver the contract by then end of this week. We want an official to draft it. Is that acceptable?" He asked. No coincidence on that timeline.

"If you mistreat or separate us this week, then no," she said. She should have included sexual assault. Good Lord. 

"You have my word," he said smiling. "Jacob, young werewolf, a lovely creature, will you join me?" He asked, gesturing to the door. I bit back tears. I kissed Ness hard and hugged her, my only lifeline. 

"I love you baby," I said, shaky. She whispered it back. 

"I'll be with you soon honey," she said kissing my hand. 

I hugged the others, then left with the ancients. They led me to a room with a small desk and a chair. I sat, knowing what was coming. 

"Jacob, I wanted to explain what we are extremely interested in," Aro said, voice gentle. Dangerous. I felt so sick. 

"We'd love to learn about the phasing," he said smiling. I nodded, expecting this. 

"What we want is to honor you. We want your legacy to live with us in our family. We don't want to take your current family. It's wrong. We don't want prisoners," he said, and I bit back a growl. 

"We want your future generations to live with us in harmony. We want you to father this generation. And it won't take much time. After generation one we will have what is needed for future generations. You will be the alpha, the leader of your loving family. Your own pack," I looked at him feeling the deepest hatred I ever felt in my life. He sensed it. "Recall the contract. We want your assistance with your genetic gift," he said. A subtle threat. 

"What about Ness, my partner?" I asked.

"You will be returned to her. And you may have your family with her also," he said smiling. "I assume you want to. We will also honor your marriage. I know this will likely be coming. You are the last unmarried couple," he said. I felt disgusted. 

"What will you do with her?" I asked, suspicious. 

"Really I want to talk to her, and introduce her to the other part vampires. She is the first. I'd like her to be the leader. She is lovely," he said.

"Are you going to use our children, or do they have the choice to leave the guard if they want?" I asked. He looked alarmed. 

"Of course friend," he said. 

"We will expect that in the contract," I said bitterly. He gave me a fleeting glare and then smiled. 

"That's easy. Yes," he agreed. 

"Why are you going along with all of this?" I asked suspiciously. 

"They won't agree to be mine any other way. They will choose to die, it would be a terrible waste. These are not unacceptable terms," he said. 

"Fine," I said. "I would be honored to provide the next generation as long as my personal family with Ness is not part of this," I said coldly. He smiled and I knew in that moment we understood each other perfectly, that he had power over me and I was a prisoner. And I would do it whenever he told me I would. They didn't care about me phasing at all.

"I'll show you where you will be this week. I expect you to stay there as well. We will bring you the sustenance you need," he said and stood up. I followed him and felt terrible. Used and terrible. How many women? How many? I clenched my fists. 

He led me to a room that was essentially in a dungeon and had many beds and very dim lighting. A f****** sex chamber. 

He smiled evilly and shut the door behind me and I heard it lock. I pounded my fists against the door screaming my head off and I knew he couldn't hear me or he didn't care. I sunk down on my knees and gave in to the tears that had been pressing against my eyes all day. And I was alone with this painful future.


	12. Break Ins

Jasper - Break-ins - Chapter 12

After they left, I felt like I would almost faint, if vampires could do that. I had no memory of that as a possibility. 

I had made love to my wife all night almost, after we discussed the plan. We held each other so painfully close, and I couldn't remember the last time we were so loving, so intimate. It could have been the last time. My eyes pricked but I tried to stop. I had cried more in the last 48 hours more than I ever did. I did in the shower, hunting, and in Alice's arms. I didn't want her to see but I wasn't strong enough. There was no point to life without her. But I had to make this one final bid. To save her and destroy the enemy. Edward was right. They would never leave us in peace, until they were dead. The person who needed to die the most in my eyes was Demitri. That way if I died, Alice could still have a chance to run. I know Edward felt the same. I didn't care who I killed as long as someone got Dimitri. I made Alice promise me to live on if I died. She made me promise the same. However, I wasn't about to keep that promise.

We were smart enough to keep the bulk of the plan from them in case Bella's shield did eventually fail. And the plan was insane. It was a good thing we were going to kill them. Because we were attacking in broad daylight, and we were revealing ourselves to some degree. Edward wanted them out within a week. I didn't see how it was possible. 

Everyone in Tanya's family was coming but only Benjamin was coming from Egypt and only Zafrina from the rainforest. This was fine with me. They were the ones we needed. Benjamin was to set opponents on fire. Zafrina was to blind everyone she could and stand next to Bella you protect her. I was to find our family in the castle and break them out. Carlisle and Edward were to focus on the ancients and Demitri. Everyone else was a soldier. 

I thought about Simon, our newborn. I didn't think it was right bringing a child into battle. But with basic training he could be one of our strongest fighters, albeit, strongest, not the most skilled. I was training with him every night, while his mate watched with a terrified expression. He was to remain behind with Seth on the reservation. Sam was sending a few wolves, splitting them to protect the tribe. He had a baby, and Emily convinced him he needed to stay home. She was right. I was also glad that Seth wasn't going, because he was a really nice kid, and really was too young to do this. He would be a liability that we would need to protect and we couldn't afford any. We were getting Embry, Jared, Paul, Leah, and Brady. And we would have Jacob. He held Quill back. Jared and Paul found it almost impossible to leave their mates, but they did anyway. Everyone knew that if this failed, they would send fighters to kill the tribe next. This had to be done for the sake of everyone's future. Jacob told Leah not to come but she refused to listen. She was his beta, and she was going. They met us at the house the next day just as Tanya's family was arriving. It was really quite a reunion. Rose and Emmett and whoever they managed to bring would be back by the end of the week. Edward and I began training everyone as soon as possible. But in the evenings, we discussed the final part of the plan. Just us and Carlisle. 

We were going to a United States Military base. We were stealing fighter jets, and we would crash them into the castle.

And where were we going to break into? The United States military base in Italy of course. Edward had researched all of this in the past day. The air base was called Aviano Air Base, and we determined that the type of planes that were there were F-16 Fighting Falcons. The name seemed right for what we needed. After I pointed out that it would be difficult to figure out how to fly a plane in 5 minutes, even as vampires, Edward hacked several websites with his laptop and pulled up a manual. He read it in an hour. Then he taught the other two of us how to fly it. He was also going to teach Garret and Eleazar. 

We needed Emmett on the ground leading the ground team because they could pick up our scent easily in an attack, we had to go in first. Then the ground team had to come up next. The wolves may have had the very most important job. They were to surround the castle and not let anyone escape. We could afford no survivors. Benjamin would drench the castle in flames. Zafrina would blind who she could. Kate would fight with her stinging gift. Bella would hold the shield from inside, but we knew as soon as they realized what was happening they would probably assassinate her first. We needed to get her out. 

Benjamin would also cause earthquakes and anything else we needed. I would attempt to subdue them with my gift, but also take out as many as I could; especially Jane and Alec. They were the only ones who seemed to have any power in the guard at all, other than Chelsea, and she wasn't necessary to focus on. Honestly, the ancients weren't special either. Their fighters were. 

We also realized we needed to kill the half vampires no matter what. Carlisle suggested sparing them, but Edward had said that they needed to kill them and something in his expression led me to believe that he knew something. He also absolutely wouldn't give it up. I didn't care. As far as I was concerned, they all needed to burn. 

If we were careful and our fighters with gifts were protected, we probably wouldn't suffer casualties. We would totally survive the airplane crashes. We just needed them as a humongous distraction. Plus we didn't mind the idea of the human governments dropping bombs. If that happened we would retreat and surround the castle to make sure no one else got away. I just hopped we could get our people out to avoid a hostage situation. I knew that if we assembled all these people to fight, no hostage situation would prevent them from attacking. I felt sickened. My poor Alice. I couldn't. The others felt great sympathy for Edward and I. They treated us like glass. But the two of us did not crumple. We powered through with an almost deadly focus, because that's all we could do now. I didn't think any other vampire in the group was more lethal than us. I felt a constant blinding rage. And tasted metal on my tongue. Edward felt similar. Eventually the others began keeping out of our way because they knew that was the best. 

When Emmett and Rose returned we were happy. Benjamin was the same and eager to be there. He loved the plan but wished he could fly the Jets. So did Emmett but honestly he was too big and we needed him to run the ground team. He was exasperated, but understood. Zafrina needed protecting. And she was on the ground. Benjamin did convince us to let him parachute with us from one of the planes but of course that meant not having a parachute at all and just jumping. He claimed he could make a better impact on the weather from the sky. We told him we couldn't have anything to disrupt the planes, he understood. 

I worked with the wolves in the evenings to perfect their fighting skills, even though they had trouble accepting advice for me. Embry was the easiest one to work with. Jacob was his best friend. The hardest one to work with was Paul, who was very hot headed and stubborn. The others told him to cool it though, and that sort of helped.

We prepared to ship out on Friday. We already booked the plane tickets essentially buying out a whole plane. We didn't care. The ones stealing the airplanes would fly into Venice and then steal the planes. It wouldn't take long to get to Volterra. The ground team would fly into Florence. Once they saw the planes or got contact from me, they would move in. We would get there first, and then they would right behind us, sealing off every way out. 

I felt confident in the plan, as long as we didn't hit our family with the planes. We seriously thought about sending in Simon first to tell them about the planes, because the Volturi had no idea he was a Cullen. We would send him underground. Plus it was nice for us to have someone with thoughts on the inside to communicate with Edward on the outside. We continued to entertain the idea as we flew to Italy. He was all for it, but I didn't want to send him in alone. Unfortunately the Volturi could identify the rest of us so it didn't seem possible. All the wolves included. That's why we were still undecided when we ran. Simon would take a car in, and text us once the others knew to duck and cover from planes crashing into the building. Absolute warfare, that they absolutely deserved. In the end, we decided there were too many cameras for Simon to go. He agreed. 

We broke off into teams in Italy and myself, Edward, Benjamin, Garret, Carlisle, and Eleazar left for the air base. It felt incredible, honestly, to be doing something so radical, because I wanted to crush every vampire in the building, save my family, into dust. My bloodlust would not be satisfied until everyone was dead. And the purple fires painted the sky. 

We broke in at night and the funny thing was how easy it was too penetrate an Air Force Base as a vampire. No gate, lock, or door stopped us. we avoided tripping the alarm until we actually got into the room with the planes. Oh well. They would find out soon anyway. The world was watching. Good. More attack planes. Even if they shot us out of the sky we would jump first and survive. Then find more planes to steal. Eleazar and Benjamin ripped the hanger open with minimal effort. And we climbed into 5 fighter jets. With Edward's training, it was a cinch. Benjamin rode on my plane. They followed me out. I loved fast cars, and this was incredible. I had never moved so fast in a vehicle. The best part was we were not immediately pursued but eventually I knew we would be. 

We came up on Volterra fast. I got a call from the ground team and they confirmed they were in position. Excellent. Emmett also had concentrated and attempted to send Alice a vision. Hopefully it would work. We formed a V, me at the head. Edward called to say that he picked up on their thoughts, and Bella had turned her shield off so he could hear her. She was saying his name. Alice got that message, he couldn't hear Jake or the others and that made him feel anxious but there was nothing we could do. Bella told him the ancients didn't know. Good. When they heard the planes, they assumed it was an exercise. Bella dropped the shield so Edward could see where they were. he gave the coordinates for the rest of us to avoid and that was helpful. But then the shield went back up and I could feel it close over myself. Excellent. By the time they were in sight of the castle, the ancients must have been worried. It was too late. The impact of my plane was stunning. I was smart to throw myself up and out before it hit. Strong or not, it probably would have crushed me to some degree, and slowed me down. Edward circled and slammed into the other side. Right before I hit myself there was an incredible gathering of clouds and a tornado touched down right next to the castle. It was Benjamin. He threw himself off and held his arms wide, creating the tornado. Lightning ripped across the sky. I felt like it was derived from my very soul. I wondered how much fun it would be to electrify an ancient. I should have asked Benjamin to try to do that. Benjamin flew with the wind, away from the impact zone. In a matter of moments I felt the others hit, but not before two of them blew out the windows with fire power. 

The castle could not withstand such an attack. It crumbed immediately. I threw myself in through a hole and dropped to the ground. There was dust and debris flying everywhere but I could still see through it. I moved as fast as I could to Alice's beautiful scent. I missed her so much it was like a wound. As I charged I heard Edward come up and Carlisle close behind him. When we burst into the main room we stopped at a scary sight. Felix was holding Alice by the throat and it was clear he would kill her. I froze. Aro had Bella and Caius had Ness. 

"Stop or they die!" Shrieked Aro and we stopped. But it was far too late and maybe they knew it. One moment later and I knew they were blind. Zaphrina was here. Winds going almost 200 miles per hour burst through the windows and swept us aside and we slammed into the wall but it also hit the ancients and they lost their hold on our family. Emmett broke through the wall like a Bull elephant, right into Felix. I dashed forward to get to Alice.

"Baby," I moaned. She looked up at me and into my eyes, and I felt the most profound and painful relief I had ever felt. 

"I'm fine," she said and swung onto my back. "Go," she snarled. With the shield protecting us I threw myself at Dimitri. He fought and had unerring skill but he wasn't a match for how fast Alice was and how lethal I was. Flames rose up from Benjamin and engulfed every vampire crumpled on the floor. The ancients realized this fight was too much and they tried to flee. I knew the ground team would handle them. Edward had Bella and Ness although they look slightly injured. I knew it would be fine. Our kind healed quite well as long as we weren't burned. As more as our fighters joined us, I was elated to see Garrett taking out one member of the guard after another. He was a soldier. The battle was a mess of limbs and insanity. Flames and screams and the ripping and keening of body parts. Agony ripped through me and I noticed that I lost an arm. I wasn't worried because I had before and it had been reattached. Alice scooped it up and told me she had it. We needed to protect it from the flames. We joined my brothers and left the main room behind trying to penetrate the rest of the castle to find Jake and anyone hiding. Simon caught up with us and told us that he heard Jake shouting from below. Edward took off after Simon to get him. I heard howling and several wolves burst into the remains of the castle. I also heard more airplanes ahead and realized we were about to be bombed. Time to go. Minutes later Edward and Simon returned with Jake who looked haggard but intact. He turned back to find Ness in the great room, in wolf form. We found three of them hiding none of them the ancients. But it was almost ecstasy to find Jane. Edward laughed in delight. She couldn't hurt us with the shield. Zafrina must have been protecting Bella. Suddenly she clutched her eyes and screamed because she probably was blinded or being shown a really bad image by Zafrina. Edward and Emmett caught her but I ripped her head off and it was delightful. we carried of the pieces with us and dumped it on a pile Benjamin was getting to. I heard the first of the bombs explode behind us and we were thrown through the air. Edward gasped because someone we knew must have got hurt,because he was fine, it was a mental tip off. He sprinted off but I rushed Alice and myself to safety. More bombs exploding behind us. People were fleeing and I couldn't tell if they were good or bad but I launched myself out of a window feeling it break and tumbled down the hill with Alice clutching my back. I caught sight, as I tumbled Edward pulling a wolf to safety, slapping the head off of a Volturi soldier. It looked like Leah. Jacob smashed through a crumbling wall after I did with Ness on his back. I didn't see Bella but I assumed she was safe because I still felt the shield. Our fighters raced into the woods as the fire followed, catching the trees. The wolves surrounded us carrying wounded comrades. We fled to a nearby river. Once safely away from the flames we gathered our wounded in the center. Edward and Carlisle moved quickly to treat everyone. Someone, Alice, carefully attached my arm. She ripped cloth to hold it into place. I knew in days it would reform. Esme was hurt bad and Carlisle tended to her, although I could see him crying. I prayed she wouldn't die. Leah apparently was in critical condition. The wolves flew with her to a nearby hospital where they were going to phase back. I didn't know how they would explain the body temperature. 

Jake was lying down, covered in cuts, but I could tell he would be fine. Once Carlisle tended to Esme and Rosalie watched over her he moved, to help set the bones of all the injured werewolves. Apparently we lost some Volturi but we would stay in the area to hunt them down. Able bodied fighters had already taken off after them. Thankfully the nomads and Tanya's family killed all the half vampires. They couldn't leave anyone. My niece was safe even though her hair was singed and she had soot on her face. She sat with Jake. 

According to Emmett, because of Bella's shield, we hadn't lost any fighters; only had severe injuries and possibly Leah, but she must have already been taken to the hospital by now, they were very fast. As soon as Carlisle he was done he was going to race after them to see what he could do. One of the werewolves called Sam to deliver the good news and also tell him about Leah which couldn't have been easy. Afterward all the wolves that weren't injured out in the hunting teams followed to go to the hospital to see about Leah and Carlisle went with them. 

Edward and Bella joined us, sitting on the ground. "I have never been more invigorated or terrified in my life and I can't believe we won," Edward said. 

"I knew we would because of our gifts," I said. "Are the ancients dead?" I asked. 

"The pack killed Caius, and I killed Aro," he said, eyes stony. 

"Where is Marcus?" I asked. 

"He wasn't there, but if I remember from last time, the ancients were not pleased with him. It could be they got rid of him on their own. Alice will keep an eye out for him even though he was never really a threat. He didn't care about us at all. He never liked fighting or war," he said. 

"Do you think the world has just found out about vampires?" Bella asked. 

"I'll watch for it but the castle burned to the ground, including all the remains. We're going to go back to the base today and get all the footage of you guys," she added. I thought that included me. But it was likely she wouldn't let me with my arm. That was fine, I wasn't worried about her anymore, probably never again. I smiled. 

"So what now?" Bella asked. 

"We won't be able to fly out of the country because they will have closed all the airports thinking this was a terrorist attack. I would say a ship out of Africa," Edward said indifferently. Then he got up and went to sit next to Jake.

I overheard him ask if he was okay, and then Edward looked agonized. He held his head in his hand. Jake must have been in a lot of pain. He reached out a hand to rest on his shoulder. I didn't exactly get it, because he didn't even need treatment. I reached out to taste his mood and was shocked to find almost no emotion; numbness. I'd need to find out later. I'd never felt that in him before. Edward looked at me and I knew he read my thoughts. Then he turned back to Jake and said something quietly. Jake nodded. 

"I'm so sorry brother, we will get you home," he said louder. It sounded more serious than what I thought, and so maybe something else was going on. Everyone who was uninjured joined us on the ground in a circle. 

"Excellent job Bella you're the best," said Benjamin. 

"You saved our lives with those winds. You blew us right out of their hands, thank you," she returned. He overheard Simon talking on the phone to who I assumed was Bram to tell him the good news. About an hour later Carlisle called Edward and told him that they managed to stabilize Leah, which made everyone feel relieved. They didn't even want a single death on their hands. I agreed. We were the luckiest vampires on Earth. But eventually we agreed we had to flee the area before the government moved in. Some of us picked up the injured and began to move through the trees. Alice walked with me, keeping an eye on me. 

"I'm fine," I told her even though It was very painful. It took us a full day to reach the Mediterranean. We used several small boats to make it to Egypt, although by the end we needed to swim. Emmett carried me. Apparently this didn't bother the wolves at all. But at least one of them stayed behind with Leah because they couldn't move her yet. Carlisle found a safe house for her where the government wouldn't find them. He estimated they could move in a few days. And some of us would help them. 

In Africa we managed to buy a plane using cash. It was small and old, but after a close inspection by Rosalie, it was deemed safe. We flew into California and drove back to Washington. Leaving our conspicuous Egyptian old plane behind. Oh well. Some of us broke off along the journey to go home. Zafrina missed her rainforest and Benjamin stayed in Egypt. The nomads also stayed behind to go to Europe, not crossing the Mediterranean.

Tanya's family stayed behind to go to Forks with us, wanting to spend time together. Bram and Seth drove up from the reservation and Simon rushed to them to yank Bram out of the car and crush him to his chest. I felt their rush of emotion. Almost all the emotions were euphoric but again, strangely, Jake's were not. I gazed at him, confused, when he said he wanted to go back to La Push and Ness went with him, also feeling confused. I looked at Edward because I suddenly felt a stab of remorse. Yes, something was going on, but it would have to wait because it seemed like no one was revealing why. 

Garrett was delighted to go hunting with us to experience the game. Kate was very much in love, always touching him. Alice said I wasn't allowed to go until my arm healed. I was perfectly content, lying in her arms in our room and letting her nurse me. She kissed my arm continuously and I didn't feel as much pain, at least I imagined it that way. I never wanted to let her out of my sight again. The relief I felt at having her back was physically painful. And that night we cried again in our profound relief. She stroked my hair back, took off my clothes, and touched every part of my body. She traced my scars on my face. Checking me over, memorizing all of me again. I guided her hand to me and she obligingly gave me incredible blissful relief, only I wasn't allowed to do anything but lie down. That didn't stop her in creative ways to pleasure me. She was very gentle but it felt so good. I couldn't even think. I had to bite back outbursts each time I felt a climax in pleasure. She loved all of me, and it was clear. She didn't stop until daylight came, and I admitted my body was exhausted, possibly because I was healing too. But the sex erased the pain all night. I wished I could sleep. She kissed my abdomen and curled up on my chest, loving me. She told me she had a vision of me healing by the end of the night. Good, I wanted to repay her in pleasure, even though she was able to last night also a few times. I let myself zone out. The closest thing to sleeping. She let me, wanting me to rest. 

When we left our room for the day we found out the good news that almost everyone had recovered and I could feel my arm getting better every hour. But I knew something was up with Edward. But there was nothing I could do. He wasn't sharing. 

We spent some time in the yard hanging out and trading stories. Simon and Bram wanted to learn more about our histories. I decided not to share the bulk of mine at the current time. Ness was there, but Jake wasn't and I could tell she was stressed too. And I knew that Jake was at the root of this of all the stress that they were feeling. Bella didn't seem to know though, and she was chatting away with Simon and Bram about how Edward used to sneak into her room at night and Charlie had no idea. 

Time would tell what was wrong. I only hoped it wasn't too serious.


	13. PTSD

Jacob - PTSD- Chapter 13

I felt terrible and self conscious in the doctor's study. True he had treated me several times before, but this was the very worst reason of all. My face felt hot, and I felt tears under the surface. I struggled to hold them back. Edward had talked me into this, saying it really was for the best after everything. Before waiting in here, Carlilse asked me to pee in a cup. I couldn't believe I was getting STD checked.   
It made me want to throw up. I wished Ness could be here to hold my hand. He knocked and Carlisle came in. 

"Hi Jake," he said in a warm friendly voice. I could tell he was trying to soothe me. 

"Hey doc," I managed, wanting to vomit even more.

"I know we talked a little about this and I've spoken to Edward more. I just want to make sure you're okay, then we can talk, alright?" He asked kindly. I nodded, and again, felt pressure behind my eyes. He pulled a small table forward "I'll need you to take your shorts off, and sit up here okay?" he said gently. The table had paper on it, like a real doctor's office. I hesitated. I wanted to die. He nodded comfortingly, then I pulled them down and sat on the table and shut my eyes. He touched my chest first, making sure I didn't have any broken ribs. Then he touched my legs gently, positioning me. I gulped, hating it, feeling exposed.

I felt slight pressure on my parts and I gripped my hands into fists. He checked everything in under a minute, and it barely hurt. I just felt so sore. He checked the muscles in my legs as well, also very sore. I cringed.

"Okay, the hardest part is over," he said gently. I blinked, and realized with shock that I was crying. I didn't even know why. I gasped quietly and he gave me a tissue. 

"It's normal, it's okay," he said gently, pulling me down and pulling my shorts on for me almost instantly. I sat down in a chair and dabbed my eyes, hating myself for going to pieces so early, or at all. "It's PTSD Jake. Being touched by anyone right now, Including Ness, may trigger it. You've gone through psychological trauma. It's very serious, and should be considered like any other wound. It takes time to heal. I'm really sorry I had to touch you right now," I couldn't speak, because my eyes kept watering. "Don't be ashamed, we love you and understand. Ness especially will understand you need time before you can be intimate again," he said. 

"What can I do?" I asked in a shaky voice, willing my eyes to stop.

"Really, just don't think about sex. Do other things that make you happy. Find ways of being happy that don't involve sex. You can't put pressure on yourself to be okay with it. It will return to you when time heals you, and it feels right again. You can't be intimate if you're worried or feel like you're required. Also, I think you might need talk therapy. I'm qualified if you would like." He offered kindly. 

"I'll t..think about it," I managed, a little catch in my voice. 

"Other than that, everything feels in order, maybe just a tad bit sore?" He asked and I nodded, looking down.  
"That should clear up immediately, I just want you to rest. Take it easy, nothing too stressful," he said. "The STD test was negative, I checked it quickly before I came in," he also said. Then he extended his hand. I looked up and I shook it, still feeling like an emotional mess. 

"I can't handle these mood swings…" I managed, voice still unsteady.

"Try resting. If you don't feel better we'll talk about something for anxiety, okay?" He said kindly but patiently. "And Jake, you didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault," he said, needling the dam of more tears I was trying to hold back. I could barely do it. 

"Ness won't blame you for this. She won't be unhappy with you," he said, gently squeezing my shoulder. I was losing my grip on the dam. 

"B...but I knew beforehand and choose to go anyway…" I managed before hiccuping and breaking down into more substantial tears. Dam broken. I wanted to run away..

"You didn't know for sure, but even though you were right, you went to protect her, right? It was a self sacrifice," he said. I held my head in my hands leaning forward, giving in to the sobs that had been trying to take over. There was a knock. 

"I'm sorry, Jake. I just asked Edward to get Bella, I wanted you to have a friend," he said apologetically. I realized he called out to Edward in his thoughts. I looked up and Bella was there. I gasped slightly, trembling, and she sat next to me and reached for me. 

"Jake," she said, in her classic Bella comfort tone. I reached forward to let her hug me automatically. She held me tightly as I cried guilty tears into her stone shoulder. "It's okay Jake, it's going to be okay," she crooned gently, stroking my back. For a stone, her arms ended up being very comforting. My best friend. I tried to focus on breathing as she shhhed me gently. I wondered if she knew. 

"Do you know?" I managed, more tears racing down my face. She nodded gently into my shoulder.

"I know, and it's going to be okay honey," she said comfortingly stroking my hair. I gasped. I was relieved she knew that I didn't have to tell someone right now. "I'm sorry I wasn't in here for you, I would have been," she said. She held onto me stroking my hair and back, whispering comforting things. "You'll feel better, it's over now. No one can hurt you," she crooned several times, squeezing my waist gently in the hug. "No one can hurt you," she said softly. "I love you," she said kissing my temple. I managed to get slightly composed and pulled away. She let me, switching to holding my hand. 

"I don't know how to tell Ness. I feel like it will kill me," I admitted in a shaky voice.

"This isn't a confession of something you did wrong, sweetheart. It's explaining an attack on you, and what happened," she said, wiping tears off my cheek. 

"I still cannot even stomach it…" I admitted. 

"Do you want me to be there?" She said holding my hand in two of hers. I shivered at the cold contact. I thought about it. 

"Maybe. I'll let you know," I said, feeling just a little bit less sick, from her support. 

"When it's right for you bring it up. It's okay if you want to wait a little bit Jake," she said stroking my arm. Under her calm comforting manner I could sense the hell in her mind, knowing this happened to me. I knew she wanted to talk to me openly about it as well. I couldn't yet. 

"Thanks Bella, and I know you want to know more. The truth is, I just can't right now. But we'll talk," I said. She nodded and hugged me gently again. 

"I'm just so sorry Jake, I love you," she said and her voice broke into a vampire sob, losing composer slightly. I hugged her back. 

"Thanks Bells. I love you too," I returned. She pulled away looking more composed.

"Edward was talking about maybe having a soccer scrimmage, would you like to go?" she asked, gently dabbing all the remaining tears off my face. It sounded like a good way to be distracted. I nodded. 

She stood up. "Let's you and me go for a walk first alright?'' she said, smiling. She was trying to let me get composed. I stood up and turned to Carlisle who was patiently reading at his desk, trying to give me some privacy.

"Thanks doc," I said. He smiled and looked up, but his eyes told me this hurt him too. I know I never cried in front of any of them.

"Come back if you need anything Jacob," he said, and we left the office. 

Edward was waiting in the hall looking tense. He came over when we walked out. I looked at him and he walked over and pulled me into a hug. 

"I'm so sorry," he said in a pained tone. "I'm sorry," he repeated. I hugged him back. 

"Thank you," I said disengaging. I felt my eyes pricking again, and I wanted to hold the dam back again. And he read the thoughts and led us away, talking about the teams.

… The following week…

"Thanks for coming, I just wanted to bring you out here," Edward said as we paced deeper in the woods. I nodded, and stopped in wolf form. 

What's up? I asked. Edward looked burdened. 

"I've been monitoring your thoughts. I'm worried. You're really suffering from this PTSD, but you aren't seeking talk therapy. I think it would help. It's like it's eating you on the inside," he said carefully. I sighed and ran through the terrible thoughts. A confirmation. 

"Jake, I'd feel the same if it happened it me. Keeping it from Bella, the guilt, it's so heavy and hard. I just want to help you, I just want the torment to end." He said gently, sitting on a log. I sat too, not knowing where this was going. Dreading it. "I'm sorry, I really am. There's a purpose for this," he said. I looked at him, worried.

"At this point do you trust me? I care for you like my brother," he said. I took a moment. Then nodded. It was true. Our relationship was strong. "Could you talk to me? I know you can't with the others. I know Rosalie would help but you don't want to," he said. I shrugged. All true. "Truth is Jake, the only way to heal is to unload. Not just tell us minimal details. You can tell me the story. I'll listen." He said. I was right, it was really bad. I felt my stomach churn. I stood and walked away a few feet. "I just wanted to help you, I can take the details. I'll keep it to myself. I'll be able to withstand anything" he said. 

I can't get through it. It's too hard. I managed in thought. I avoid it at all costs. My heart began racing, and I hoped I wouldn't get another anxiety attack, something that frequently happened now.

"But that's why you aren't healing. You're bottling. You can't go on this way. You'll snap. Maybe at Ness," he said. I flinched. "You can yell at me. You can do anything you want. I promise I won't be offended. Anything you want is okay. You gave yourself up to save my daughter and wife. My parents. I owe you my life," he said. I closed my eyes, trying not to throw up as the churning got worse.

"You can if you want," he said. I didn't want to. I sat again in silence. He joined me in the silence. I explored the idea. Was he right? Was this the only way out? I couldn't tell an outside person about half vampires and therapy didn't help if you lied. Who else could I talk to? It was easier thinking than speaking also. And I knew Simon could hear thoughts but I didn't know Simon as long. Plus it would really disturb him. I sighed. 

I'm not sure if I can do it. I admitted. Then I saw one of the girls bending over me in my head, asking me to hold still and shut it out violently.

"Whatever you can do is better than nothing," he said quietly, but his eyes were a bit scared from the flash of that memory. "My night is free," he added. I braced myself. How? How could I start. "I could ask you questions," he suggested. Maybe it was the best we could do. I waited. Then hung my head and tried to do it. Edward gave me full attention. 

"How did it start?" He asked. I sighed and prayed for strength to do this. Okay. I said mentally and heavily. 

It started with them telling me what I had to do. Vivid memories joined my internal dialogue. I pushed back but they threatened Ness. I tried to suggest sperm donation but they said no. They assured me they would kill her if I didn't do this. Especially if it wasn't successful sex. I couldn't speak. I was too numb. I couldn't think. They brought me to a dungeon. And it had, like beds and stuff and I threw up in a corner. I couldn't wait in there alone. Pacing. Freaking out. I didn't phase though because I didn't think I could phase back under the strain. Then vampires came in and so did the half vampire. I couldn't tell if she was beautiful. I was just trying to stay sane and not throw up again. She approached me and she was really young. It upset me. But she didn't seem mean. They expected me to just get busy with an audience. Eventually I had to say they had to get lost. So they stood outside the door. Then I was supposed to do it, and all I could do was stare, and think about Ness. She took her clothes off and it didn't even phase me. It was like I was there in body. 

It was easier to keep going once I started. But I couldn't look at Edward. He didn't interrupt.

So she started taking off my clothes and I sort of panicked. She waited for me to calm down then took my remaining clothes off and pushed me on the bed and it was like my mind was frozen. I mean, I wasn't ready to have sex. She offered to try to excite me and I said no. Then tried to wake myself up, I thought awkwardly. But he said he could stand it all. 

So then she pushed me down again on my back and I closed my eyes and she had sex with me. It felt… terrible. Foreign. It wasn't Ness and it made me feel sick. But I had to perform so I imagined it was her the best I could and I managed to get it to work. I could barely feel it though. It was really just a bad experience. 

Then she left and they locked me in and I just laid there like a dead body. Stunned and feeling like I cheated on Ness. If I could orgasm with another woman, did that mean I loved her less? And I felt my eyes tear and spill over as the feeling returned with the memory. I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling so guilty and dirty and hating myself…

And I couldn't help it, the memory made me cry again. I had to stop. I gasped and Edward was there. He put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed. He didn't say anything. It was silent comfort. The only sound was my wolf cries.

"Are you okay with telling me more?" He asked after a few painful minutes. I got my breathing under control and nodded, wanting to get it over with. 

So the next day it was the same woman. I guess they wanted to increase the chance of success. She tried to be nice to me, but no matter which way you look at it, she raped me. Or perhaps she was being raped too. Forced against her will like me. It was hard to feel pleasure. I almost couldn't do it. Thinking of Ness is all I could do. 

Sickeningly, they sent someone new that same night. I felt disgusted. She was different. She demanded I be more involved. I didn't want to, but she threatened to get the other vampires. It was easier to lie there and take it like the first and second time. Not actively have to do it to them. She wanted actual sex. To feel good too. And I was required to go along. It made me feel much worse because it felt more intimate and less like a job. I learned I'm good at it apparently. I said feeling sick.

It went on like this. I felt myself becoming a zombie. I just did it. Going through the motions. No emotions involved. Some of them were mean and tried to hurt me, treat me like a prisoner. Some of them were sweet and I felt bad for them. The worst part was that sometimes in the fray of different women, I wanted to feel pleasure. To distract from the emotional and physical pain. I mean I never got all the way into it or looked forward to it or anything like that. But sometimes I felt relief and this caused me the most painful guilt of all. It was terrible. I wanted to die. Literally die. And I was crying again and I didn't think I could say anything more. I buried my face in my paws. I felt like a terrible person and boyfriend. That I didn't deserve Ness or to be in this family. I felt like running away, to suffer alone forever. But I also felt like my body was like an anchor, like I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. Or care about anything except Ness. But thinking about her also forced me to think of this and it was hell. Edward sat next to me as I suffered. I managed to push the thoughts on, to get the torture over with as tears ran.

When Ness and I were finally reunited, I threw up before she could see me. I felt the most terrible guilt in the world. I felt like if she looked at me, she would know all my sins. Even now, I'm so fucked up. When she touches me I struggle not to flinch. I can't handle contact well. When she kisses me, she can feel I'm reluctant. I can barely look at myself naked. I can't be intimate with her. And I love her and don't want her to think she did anything wrong. But I'm broken and I think it might be forever Edward. I was sobbing now. How can she be with me without intimacy. Won't I lose her in time? I can't bear anything. I can't...I cried and phased to human form, feeling myself almost hyperventilating. And fell to my knees. I felt carved out; hollow. Like I would never feel happy again. And my sins were finally known by another. Edward...Edward...I want to die. Please. I thought helplessly, images of the woman and myself having sex with them nearly making me insane. I tried to turn it off.

"I'm here Jake, I'm here," he said softly. He pulled me up and hugged me, his arms felt like cold stones. "I'm so sorry, that's horrific, it's so wrong," he said, and there was a tremble in his voice. It really hurt him to hear these things. "I'm sorry, we can't let you die. You're in this family. We love you. We won't let you lose yourself," he promised. "I promise I'll protect you from yourself," he said patting my back. "It isn't your fault. You didn't betray anyone. This is the source of your pain; I can tell. It's less the actual sex and more so this feeling of blame," I rested my face on his shoulder. "Why do you blame you Jake?" He asked pulling away. My face was still streaming. 

"Because I agreed to go knowing what would happen," I said. 

"You did it to save her," he countered. 

"It doesn't matter, I should have come clean and let her convince me to run," I moaned. 

"But you likely would have died," he said looking into my eyes. 

I shook my head. 

"Jake, it's not your fault," he said. I nodded in agreement, but didn't take it in.

"Jake," he said shaking me gently, "It isn't your fault," he said again. I stared at him. 

"Okay," I said aloud, sniffing.

"No." He said softly, eyes grave. "Jake, it isn't your fault," he said again. My throat felt hot. 

"I know," I said, confused. 

"No Jake listen to me… Listen.." he said urgently. "It. Is. Not. Your. Fault." I didn't understand what he was doing. "Say it," he said solemnly. I stared. 

"Okay, it's not my fault," I said feeling tired and miserable, face burning from the crying. 

"Jake," he said looking at me and finally holding my gaze in a more serious way. My throat felt tight and I felt really vulnerable under his gaze. I felt like I was finally pinned down by that look and couldn't hide anymore. From him or myself. "I've known you a long time Jake. And you would never hurt my daughter on purpose. It is not your fault," he assured me in an aching voice. And something in me seemed to break in that moment. And I started crying again. Overwhelmed by this truth I couldn't accept. That it wasn't my fault. 

"I know. I know. I understand," he said holding on to my shoulder. "It's hard forgiving yourself. But Jake, you need to. It's absolutely not your fault. We know that and we love you," he said and I held my face in my hands. 

He hugged me and I dropped my hold on my face. "It's okay. It's over now. It's not your fault," he assured me. "You're safe. It's over. It isn't your fault brother," he said and for the first time, I allowed myself to try and believe it as cries caught in my throat. "There you go, that's right. You aren't to blame. It's rape. It's evil. It wasn't your choice, they made you," he said grimly. "And the story hurts me. I'm so sorry. You were so brave. Braver than I could have been," he comforted patting my arm as my eyes felt like they would explode with tears. "It's okay Jake. It's okay," he said and we sat there for a while, and he let me cry my eyes out as I fully came to terms with the abuse and what happened.

"Thank you for telling me. I know how hard it was to share. I'm honored you trusted me. It's between us. I won't talk to Bella about it," he promised later when the tears ran dry. I nodded, completely emotionally spent. "Do you feel better," he asked pulling away and looking into my swollen face. I thought about it, and on some level... I did understand, I felt like the burden was less. That I could breathe. That it maybe really wasn't my fault.

"You were right. I feel a bit better, well, not this instant but deep down, it hurts a little less," I said. 

"This is what I want you to do. I want you to go home to Billy's and sleep yourself out. Put this from your mind. We can get breakfast in the morning if you want. But your brain needs a rest. I'll tell Ness you're taking a day to feel better; you don't feel that well. Don't worry about anything. Just do whatever you feel like. Take care of you," he said kindly. I wiped my eyes then phased back. "It's going to take time. It needs to heal. You aren't broken and she could never leave you. Don't worry brother. It really is okay now. No more pain," he said standing and touching my shoulder. My throat felt hot at his words. And I nodded. 

And it's really not my fault? I thought against my will, sounding like a child. Edward looked pained, and I tell his eyes would tear if they could.

"No. Never. I promise you," he said. 

I may need reminding. I thought with a heavy heart. 

"Everyday if you need me to."

And Ness? 

"It can wait. Tell her that you're upset about Volterra and are adjusting to life back here. You shouldn't tell her until you're ready. But I also think you can't be intimate again until you do..." He said sadly. I nodded, agreeing. 

"Maybe talk therapy with Carlisle. Any one of us really. It may make you feel better," he suggested. I would think about it. It was hard. 

"Just don't give up. It will get better. You can heal in time Jake. We will help you. Whatever you need, we will make it happen. Even other professionals if you want. It's going to be better someday. When you least expect it. I love you, brother," he said. And the emotion was there again in his voice. 

I won't give up. I can't. I love you all too. I thought. I never expected this life, loving my vampire family. 

"Why don't we get you to your bed. You need serious rest. Unless you need more time. It's good to get it out physically. It's like extracting poison," he said. And I know he meant if I wanted to cry more I could. I felt like I could but maybe alone in the shower. In solitude. He nodded, understanding. 

"But if it gets bad, I'll be there. I don't want you to have to suffer alone," he said. I felt grateful. And followed him tiredly to La Push. Perhaps maybe able to finally rest.


	14. The Truth

:: This chapter contains sexual content::

Ness- The Truth - Chapter 14

Something was wrong with Jake, and I couldn't understand. We were home. The worst part was over. We were free, so why was my boyfriend so upset, and especially, why wasn't he telling me? I noticed it right away when we reunited. He was over the top relieved to be together again. Me also, and we had hugged and kissed. It was in the kiss. It was sweet but then it ended before it could grow. I thought it was because he was eager to get out of the castle, as was I, but on the plane ride home it happened again. The kisses were loving, but he was holding back. By the time we got back to Forks, I noticed that he seemed to have trouble holding my eye contact, like he couldn't look at me. And his ability to be affectionate vanished. I decided I was being paranoid, and he was obviously still very upset about being captured and held prisoner. But then he saw me less at home. He spent more time at La Push, saying he would be back later, but then, just crashing there. 

I found I couldn't get alone with him easily, and before all of this, alone time is all we craved. I couldn't understand this. And my suspicions felt so weak, the whole thing may sound crazy if I talked to someone else about it. I didn't mention it to Jake, because I was worried it was something I had done. Eventually, after Jake did not respond to my sensual advances after a hunting trip, almost pretending not to notice I was seducing him, I decided to talk to someone. I went home and found dad reading on the couch by the fire. 

"Where's mom?" I asked coming in and shutting the door. 

"Mom is shopping with Aunt Alice," he said smiling in a way that I interpreted that Mom was a bit grumpy about this. He looked at me and I knew he was reading my disappointed thoughts. 

"But I can try to help you with something if you'd like?" He offered kindly. Maybe it was better this way. I sat down next to him and stared into my father's golden eyes. 

"I'm worried about Jake, something's wrong and I don't know what it is or why," I said looking at him. His expression didn't change. I couldn't tell if he knew something I didn't. He had an excellent poker face.

"What makes you think this?" He asked carefully. 

"He's avoiding me and acting strange. He barely can look at me sometimes, and well, I know you hate this, but our intimacy has almost disappeared. I'm worried I did something wrong," I said, feeling the truth of this fear hurt me as I said it. 

"Have you talked to him about this?" He asked. 

"Well, no, because I'm afraid I'm imagining things. I don't want to bring it up if it isn't real," I said, not exactly saying my other concerns. 

"I think it sounds like a real concern," he said. "If Jacob seems distant there is likely a reason why," he said. 

"But he would have told me. He tells me everything. The fact that he didn't seems ominous," I said. My dad looked conflicted. And in that moment, I knew he knew something was wrong. He read my mind and looked at me. 

"I think he is going through a lot because of Volterra. And I think you should offer to talk about it," he said. Offer. I thought. 

"Yes, because if you put him on the spot, he may want to talk less. I think the best course is to offer to talk to him if he has anything on his mind. That way, it's still his decision and it alerts him to your concerns," he said. I knew at once he was right. My dad is really wise. But also very very good at lying. Is it serious dad? I pressed mentally. He didn't blink, but I knew he was troubled. 

"You need to talk to him when he's ready," he said and I knew at that point he wasn't going to tell me anything else. Jake had obviously told him things in confidence. It hurt that he told him and not me. My father did not comment on my thoughts. I nodded and then left the house, hopefully able to find Jake. 

Outside I dialed his cell. He answered immediately. 

"Hey." He sounded normal enough. 

"Hey, where are you?" I asked, not trying to sound negative, but equally relaxed. 

"I'm at first beach," he answered. 

"Can I come over there?" I asked, feeling weird because we literally never needed to make plans before. We just assumed we would be together. 

There was a pause, and then a beat too late he said, "Sure, I'll see you soon." Then he hung up. And I couldn't help feeling how weird all of this was. I was mostly worried I wouldn't be able to contain myself when I got there. I didn't want to emotionally lose control, or get accusatory. I should try to talk less and listen more. I decided to take mom's motorcycle over. 

About 15 minutes later I was pulling up at the beach. Jake heard the motorcycle and came to meet me. I felt better when he got that dreamy look in his eyes when he saw me; very classic Jake. I went willingly into his warm tan arms. 

"Hi," he said pleasantly, inhaling the smell of my hair. 

"Hi yourself, having a beach day?" I asked kissing his chest then looking into his eyes. 

"Yeah, there was a bit of sunlight. Quill visited for a while. It was nice," he said, smiling. 

"Do you mind if I join you on the beach for a few more minutes?" I asked him, oddly formal. 

"Sure," he said and his eyes tightened for a moment. I wondered if Dad called him. 

He led me to a towel he had and we sat down. Normally I'd climb into his lap but today I sat cross legged and faced him. He copied me. He looked into my face and I felt like he was afraid of something. It made me uneasy. But his face was then suddenly a mask. I could have imagined the fear. Neither of us said anything and eventually I realized he was waiting for me to talk. 

"Jake... Is..." I struggled not wanting to get too heavy too fast. I changed the question. 

"Are we okay?" I asked. And I felt it was fair, we were in a serious relationship. Check ins were expected.

He blinked looking surprised. "You mean, you and me? Us together?" He clarified. And I was relieved he looked so surprised. 

I nodded. "Of course Ness, my God..." He said and then this strange look crossed his face again, like maybe he suddenly was worried if we really were. "You're everything to me. It's never changing," he vowed, and his eyes were clear. I knew there was no deception. "Why?" He asked and I heard the tight anxiety again. 

"Well... It's just. Since Volterra, something feels wrong. Like.... Like maybe you're upset about something involving me..I don't really know," I said peering into his carefully composed face. "I mean, it just feels like you're closed off from me, and I'm worried it's my fault.." I said and my voice broke on fault. I struggled to reel in my emotions. He looked upset. 

"No... No... Ness, nothing is your fault," he said and pulled me into a hug. "Please don't think that honey," he said and kissed my forehead. But he didn't comment on the bulk of the statement. He didn't deny anything or explain anything. I remembered how dad told me to offer not demand. 

"Okay, I'm glad. I just wanted to make sure," I said. We sat quietly for a moment and I felt his racing heartbeat. I puzzled over it. I turned to look into his eyes. They looked grave before they cleared to focus on me. "Jake, you know that if you want to talk to me about anything. Anything bothering you, or whatever else. You can. I'm here for you," I said reaching up to stroke his hair. He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. 

"I know, and I appreciate it," he said. And that was it. He looked at me and I looked back and he didn't start confiding in me. I waited and felt slightly disappointed when he didn't. I hoped my face was clear. Then I snuggled back into his chest looking away, feeling as though the conversation didn't really work at all. And my boyfriend was very foreign at the moment to me. But being captured, separated....obviously it was traumatic. Maybe he was having trouble being close to me because he thought we were going to die, or I was, and he was not over the shock of that emotion yet . He stroked my hair. 

"You have a lot on your mind?" He asked, and it didn't exactly sound calm. 

I decided to lie. It made two of us then. "Just normal stuff," I commented. I wondered if he knew when I did lie, and when I didn't. When the sun was setting we got up and looked into each other's faces. He looked stressed for a person who spent the day on the beach. 

"Can I come over later to hang out with you guys?" He asked, and something about the question made me feel like he forced it. 

"Sure, I'll see you tonight," I said and kissed his lips. Then I rode the motorcycle back. 

My parents were watching the news at home, but I got the feeling they had just stopped talking when I walked in. They smiled. "Hey, have a good night?" Dad asked. 

"Yeah, went to first beach. Jake should be coming by," I said, voice faltering because my mother's expression didn't seem genuine. She was also stressed. I couldn't help but feel a small spike of anger, because it seemed like I was being left out of something big. And maybe they thought I was just too childish or young or weak enough to hear it. The anger surprised me. Dad looked at me, but didn't change his expression. Thoughts were thoughts. And sometimes they couldn't be controlled. 

I went to my room to try and distract myself until Jake came. About 40 minutes later I heard him chatting with my parents in the living room. His tone seemed calm enough. But often, Jake talked to my dad without talking. So really, I didn't know anything for sure. When I went back, the atmosphere touched me. Jake was sitting next to my mom on the big couch and dad was sitting on the loveseat near the fireplace. 

"Want to sit near me?" He asked smiling. I couldn't help but smile back then sat next to him. Then we all looked at each other and I felt as though this was planned. It felt like an intervention. At least, it was my instinct. I knew because my mom was worried and looking at Jake, who was pale. I didn't say anything, because whatever it was, I was about to hear it, and speculating was becoming too painful. I looked at Jake. He looked like he had something stuck in his throat, and he didn't meet my eye contact. 

"We wanted to talk about Volterra if you don't mind," dad said to me. I got the impression he was sparing Jake.

"What's wrong, is there still danger?" I asked. 

"No, no everything seems clear. That's what Alice reports. No, I... We just wanted to talk more about it," he said, smiling. Jake finally found his voice. 

"Before we surrendered ourselves, your dad talked to me about why they could have possibly chosen me," Jake said, looking directly at me, and something about it sounded like he had perhaps rehearsed this.

"It's because you're a werewolf right? They wanted guard dogs or something similar?" I said. 

"Well, it turns out not exactly. At least it's not why they took me," he said. I felt palpable tension. 

"Why then?" I asked what felt like an unnecessary question into the silence. 

Jake looked at dad, and he looked stressed. Then he continued. "We talked about how they seemed to have been breeding half vampires like the ones who attacked us when we saved Simon. And if you remember what that blonde vampire said, it was that I had a genetic quality that interested Aro," he said, and I could tell that, whatever this was, it was the thing he was trying to avoid telling me for some time. I didn't understand why this piece of information was something he kept to himself. He looked at me, as if hoping I would understand the problem from this information alone. Then he looked at my dad, and obviously, dad communicated that I didn't get it. He frowned. 

"So, he wanted your DNA? Is that it? Did he end up taking it from you?" I asked trying to move this forward. 

He gulped and it hurt me how much he seemed to be upset, because I loved him and I never wanted him to feel this way talking to me. I wanted to sit in his lap and tell him he could say anything. He didn't have to worry, but I held my position. 

"Well... Yes and no. He didn't take samples of DNA, but he did want my genetic...seed, I guess," he said. Seed. I thought about it and I started to feel an ice cold chill in the pit of my stomach. I pushed it back. I didn't want to know yet what my subconscious figured out. It was bad. Hopefully, whatever it was, was wrong.

I stared and he looked upset but continued. "He wanted his own set of werewolves I guess. He did want guard dogs, just... the next generation," he said. I stared at him unable to speak and I felt a strange swooping sensation and I slightly disconnected from me sitting on the couch. I felt my father take my hand, but I couldn't squeeze back. What was Jake telling me? Aro wanted werewolves, just not him? 

Jake looked at my mother and her expression was the one I associated with comforting. She took his hand and held it. His eyes looked overbright. "So....so...he.." and I was horrified as his eyes filled with tears, but I was the only one surprised by this. 

"..he told me..he.. would...would kill you, and me... us... If I didn't cooperate, in helping him breed the next generation," he managed. And then he looked at me crying and looking so afraid, and I realized he was afraid of me. And the cold feeling filled me and finally the loathsome missing piece clunked into place. And I felt like I was being sat down to be told something reminiscent to hearing that Grandpa died, because this couldn't be really happening, like I couldn't imagine that.

"N..no.." I whispered, mind blocking out what he was saying. He looked tortured seeing that I was getting it. I looked to Dad and he looked stressed and upset. "No..." I begged him too, voice weak. "Tell me... Tell me... It didn't..." I heard myself say as if from a distance. "Ness..." dad said concern in his voice. And then I was crying somehow, and looking at Jake, who looked guilty and pained. 

"Jake... No.. He didn't make you...?" I managed. He gasped and more tears ran down his face. He nodded and then held his face. My mother put her arm around him and I heard her quietly crooning words of comfort to him. 

"With who..." I whispered into the silence other than our noises of distress. But the ears in the room knew what I said. 

"Other... Other half vampires..." He choked, not able to look at me. And unbidden to me, I felt anger. Anger that he was with other women who weren't me. And this, of course, was the reason he was so upset. He felt guilt for betraying me. And for a full minute, I couldn't rationalize with myself that the anger wasn't fair. All I tried to do was keep it off my face while I grasped around in my head for reason. Jake looked up and I thought he saw it on my face. And all his fears and guilt were confirmed, his face went white and his breathing stopped for a moment. 

"Oh.. Oh God, Ness I'm so... so s..sorry..." He sobbed, his breaths coming as gasps. He looked at my mother, a pleading look. And she got up and led him by the hand. He followed her like a sleepwalker, fleeing me and my unfair selfish anger. 

"W...wait... Jake... I'm.. " I managed, mood swinging to guilt fast. Like a sword to the gut. And I got lost in my tears. 

"Let him... Let him have a moment," dad comforted me, a tremor in his voice. Then he hugged me as I cried in pain and guilt and fear for the hell Jake went through away from me. And he never told me. It made everything in the past two weeks make sense. All his strange behaviors?.... It was... It was..

"PTSD," dad said quietly. "It was PTSD honey. He's having a hard time," he said stroking my hair. I pulled away to look at him with teary eyes. 

"He.. He said you talked before we surrendered..." I managed. His eyes were defensive and concerned. 

"Yes... we thought it might be a possibility," he said. 

"But why! Why didn't he tell me, why did he still surrender if he knew it was..." I felt abruptly sick. Like I never had before. I turned away. Dad handed me a trash can and I threw up into it. I spit and coughed. Vomiting was unpleasant. With dad's coaxing, I rinsed my mouth out in the sink.

"Are you okay?" He asked, sounding concerned. 

"Yes... I'll be fine..." I said. I leaned against the kitchen table.

"He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't let him surrender. That you would want to run," he said. Yes. I thought in my mind. Yes that's what I would have done. I never would have expected him to... do this. 

"So why... why didn't he... We could have..." I said, more tears falling. 

"No Ness... No. We're convinced at this point, you most likely would have died if you had. They have trackers. Alice would have been blind," dad told me gently. 

"So. So he did this, all of this.. just to keep me alive?" I said, somehow sounding incredulous. 

"Yes, and I would have done it to save you and your mother. I would have done anything to keep you alive," he said fervently. And that's what it was. At the end of the day.... Jake would do anything to protect me. 

"But... now.. It feels like my fault he was...." I couldn't say it. I couldn't say it but yes... It was rape. I understood. 

"No," dad said with real feeling. "No, both of you are blaming yourselves. The only one to blame is Aro. You love each other. If the roles were reversed, would you have done the same?" He asked. And my tears paused, because the answer was yes. 

"So he exploited your love to get what he wanted..." He said.

"And the half vampires..." I asked. The ones that may or may not have had Jake's child growing in them. 

"We killed them all. We couldn't take chances. Also can you imagine..." He moaned. Right. Could I imagine Jake's pain of having kids out there, slaves to the Volturi? It was the right thing to do. They all had to die. And Jake, my poor sweet Jake who was nervous to have sex with me the first time... They used him. I felt sick. Sick with myself for not supporting him more when he bared his soul to tell me this.

"Please can I see him..." I whispered in a dead voice. "Please...I don't want him to think I'm upset with him..." I said. Dad took out his phone and dialed mom. 

"She wants to see him," he said. There was a pause. "No," he said, answering a question. "Alright," he said. He closed the phone. 

"She thinks it would help him. She's having trouble consoling him." I felt so awful... So hated and evil for making him feel like he was bad... wrong..

"No. It was a terrible thing to learn. You can't help the emotions that follow. You know now not to be mad at him. That's the best you can do sweetheart," he said and kissed my temple. "He's in your room," he said kindly. I looked at him and understood why he couldn't tell me. Jake needed him to get through the trauma. It wasn't right to resent my parents for helping him. 

"Thank you," he said gratefully to me. I walked to my room and knocked on the door. My mother answered. Her face was pinched in vampire crying. I hugged her and she hugged me back. She pulled away then nodded. Understanding I wanted to talk to him alone. 

He was sitting on my bed, holding his head in his hands. 

I approached him slowly, upset by the faint sounds of his , weeping. 

"Baby... It's me..." I said gently sitting next to him. He looked at me, face teary and swollen, and moved away slightly, looking afraid. "No... No honey... It's okay," I said gently, stomach twisting from his reaction, tears racing down my face. He looked at me and I knew I saw a sliver of hope on his face that I didn't blame him. I reached out and held his face and I shared with him my feelings through touch. That I loved him, and didn't blame him, and didn't want him to feel guilty. He started crying again, overwhelmed. Perhaps with relief, I didn't know. Or the realization that he could finally share this awful thing with me that he had been wanting to. Wanting to be comforted be me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him gently. He rested his head on the nape of my neck. "It's okay baby I'm here... I'm here..." I consoled him. He kept crying softly and I stroked his back. "I'm so sorry honey.... I'm so sorry...I love you.. I'll never leave you... I'm not mad at you honey," I told him gently. He hugged me back like I was his lifeline. He was mine. "You didn't do anything wrong sweetheart.... Don't feel bad honey," I said and kissed his face. He made a moaning sound, and I knew he was still in pain and shock over what happened to him. My poor baby. My eyes teared up and spilled over again. "It's okay... No one can hurt you anymore. I've got you... You're safe sweetheart," I said with a shaky voice kissing his hair. He pulled away to look at me with streaming eyes.

"I...I know I've been distant... And I'm sorry Ness... I'm so sorry.... It's not that I don't want you..." He said and broke down again. I reached up to touch his lips, feeling a stabbing pain in my heart that this, of all things, was something that was tormenting him. 

"Shhhhh.... No honey. No. Don't say sorry. I understand. I know it's hard right now, baby. I know you still want me.... It's okay," I said kissing his teary eyelids and resting my forehead against his. Some more of my own tears escaped down my cheeks.

"I don't care how long, I'll wait. I don't need that to love you honey..." I said. And he pulled away and looked at me looking so broken and vulnerable, it hurt my soul. It's possible he thought he would lose me if he wasn't intimate with me. And I understood his pain so clearly in that moment. I wanted to kiss him but didn't know if that was okay. I asked him through my gift. And he nodded. And he kissed me desperately. There was so much pain and need in it. And also relief, that we could be close again, with no secrets. We broke apart, because he couldn't breathe through his nose. He looked miserable.

"Lie down, rest for now..." I said. He was likely spent from the ordeal. I pulled my blankets out so he could lie in my bed. He looked at me and I nodded to him. Then he listened, laying his head on my pillow and getting under the covers. I moved his hair out of his swollen eyes. He looked up at me, and I felt how much I loved this man. And it killed me how much others had hurt him. I kneeled next to my bed and kissed his forehead as more tears spilled from my shut eyes. "Whatever you need to feel better is what we will do. I'll help you however I can. I promise," I said kissing his cheek then his mouth. He nodded. Seeming unable to speak.

"I know it hurts right now. And I'm so sorry honey," I said resting my forehead on his. He gasped quietly and more tears cut down his face. "It's okay baby. I know now. And everything is fine between us. You don't have to worry anymore..." I said calmly, stroking his arm in a comforting way. "I'm not going anywhere. I love you," I said continuing the stroking. 

"I love you," he managed in a ruined voice. "It's... It's how I got through it. I didn't feel anything... for any of them Ness. I basically just kept picturing you. You're the only one I could ever be attracted to Ness... the only one I could ever want," he said pleading to me. I kissed him to stop him so he wouldn't break down again. He needed a break. It was too much. 

"I know....I know sweetheart. I understand. You didn't cheat on me honey..." I said gently, and he started crying again, perhaps triggered by the words. "Shhh.... honey... please don't cry.... you're so tired," I said sadly, kissing tears away. 

"I can't help it..." He managed. I wrapped one arm around his head and the other around his chest. 

"Okay.... alright... It's okay... It's okay," I said gently. I breathed calm breaths into his face. We stayed that way for a while until his heartbeat finally slowed; when the anxiety attack ran its course. While I waited for him to regain control, I realized with a horrified pang that this is why he broke down that night before we were taken. He couldn't bare what he knew he had to do. The thought made me cry and I struggled to hide the tears. I didn't want to trigger him any further tonight. I kissed his forehead gently and continuously. I drank in his warmth and classic Jake smell. Like the forest and a sweet extra quality that was just him. He settled into a stupor that I knew was close to sleep. 

"That's right honey, go to sleep," I breathed, stroking his arm. "I'll be here when you wake up," I whispered. He sighed, in what I took to be contentment, and then he fell asleep shortly after. I dried all his remaining tears, kissed his head then left the room shutting the light. 

My parents were waiting in the living room holding hands and listening to the exchange anxiously. When I came in they stood and we hugged each other in a group. The pain of the Volturi infecting our lives, hurting is, until this final last gallop. It was finally over though. When my tears dried, I sat next to my mother, my head resting on her shoulder. 

"He's lucky to have you Ness. You're being so good to him in his time of pain," she said. 

"Is he okay? Did he get hurt?" I asked, and they knew I meant physically. 

"He saw Grandpa, and he says he's fine. He may benefit from talk therapy. But he hasn't sought it yet," dad told me. 

"Talk therapy," I repeated. 

"Yes, PTSD is a psychological wound. It needs treatment too," dad said. 

"So who can talk to him?" I asked. 

"I'm qualified, and so is Grandpa and Alice," dad said. I knew they had obtained many degrees in their lifetimes. 

"I'll ask him. And we could get him to someone on the outside if he needed it?" I asked. 

"Of course, but it may be best to use one of us, so he doesn't need to lie," mom said. This was true. But it was clear they would do anything. I would too. My boyfriend was emotionally injured, and I would be there to help him. We stopped talking as we registered the increase in his heartbeat about an hour later.

"A nightmare I think," mom said sadly. "He told me he has them most nights." I understood something. It's why he kept crashing in La Push, and not with me. I felt heartsick. 

"I'll go, I'll talk to you guys later. Thank you," I said earnestly, and they smiled at me sadly. I quietly went back into my room and pulled a chair next to my bed. Jake was not resting easy, tossing and looking strained. I stroked his hair gently, feeling terrible. 

"N..no..no," he said in fear. Then he woke with a gasp. I reached for him in the dark. He had a cold sweat from the nightmare. 

"I'm here baby, it was just a dream.... Not real honey," I said pulling him into my arms. He trembled then hugged me back. I stroked his hair and felt tears on his face. I stroked them away also. "It's okay sweetheart you're safe with me," I said gently, kissing his forehead. "Can I lie down with you?" I asked softly. Moving back to look into his swollen eyes. "Is that okay?" I added, not knowing if it would be. He nodded, sniffing, and moved over. I slid under the covers and wrapped my arms and legs around him. He took deep breaths until he was calm again. "What was it honey?" I asked sadly, stroking his hair. 

"Just a flashback... It felt so real," he said, and his voice trembled. 

"Okay... how can we help you feel better?" I asked gently, still stroking his hair. 

"Normally I lie awake in terror until it gets too exhausting to keep my eyes open," he said, reaching up to hug me back with his arms. "This is a lot better, with you here," he said in a small voice. 

"Can you go back to sleep honey? You're so tired," I said, kissing his eyelids. 

"You're staying here?" He verified. 

"I'll hold you all night honey," I said, repeating what he has said to me in the past. I stroked his shoulders and kissed his neck. Again I felt the pained urge to be with him when very upset, but I wouldn't bring up sex again until he did. I wanted to support his recovery. He turned and kissed me gently. And it wasn't so desperate and urgent as the last time. It was like he felt relief. And was at peace. I broke off the kiss eventually and laid down on a pillow. I didn't want him to get wrapped up in things he thought he needed to do to make me happy. Kissing was enough. He settled down too, and in ten minutes, his breathing lapsed back into relaxed sleep. 

...

A month later...

We thought we could try, but we keep hitting roadblocks. It was hard. He was beating himself up when he didn't need to. I said I didn't care, but he barely acknowledged this.

...

I stopped kissing his abdomen after hearing him start to cry. Stopped dead when he pulled away. Quickly I pulled a blanket over him and crawled up on the bed being careful not to touch him while he cringed. "Jake, honey, I'm so sorry.." I said gently stroking his hair back out of his face. He reached for me so I assumed I could touch him. I and pulled him up and into my arms. He gasped then a delayed cry came and another. The poor thing. "Shhhh…." I held him tightly but stroked his hair with a gentle touch. He cried in a pained terrified kind of way and held me tightly back, which led me to realize I must have triggered a bad memory somehow. "Sweetheart, it's okay… Shhhh," I said and rocked him gently. He buried his face in my shoulder and I kissed his hair. "Baby.. No one will hurt you. You're safe" I whispered. Then pulled him away from me and gently titled his tear streaked face up to look him in the eyes. He stared into mine looking miserable and frightened. l slowly kissed his mouth softly to stop him crying. He kissed me back weakly in anguish. Then I pulled away and kissed away his tears. "I love you. I'm sorry," I told him stroking his face. "No.. No.. Don't.." he moaned, not wanting me to apologize when he felt like it was his fault. "Jake, this isn't your fault honey, you're doing the best you can. I know that honey," I said, moving so he had to make eye contact with me. "I love you. I don't need this to love you. We don't need to do oral sex right now. You don't have to. You never have to if you don't want to. It's okay baby." I said gently winding my arms around him and pulling him close again. "I love you, please don't cry," I said and he quieted down completely, finally eyes not tearing, just gasping after the shock of crying. "That's it. There you go." I said patting his bare back. "That's much better," he hadn't broken down like this for a month..

"Come on, get dressed again. You'll feel better." I said pulling away and handing him his clothes. He looking dazed. I stood and looked away letting him put them on without looking at him. He did so, his breath still catching. I grabbed a tissue box and he said, "okay," quietly. I climbed back in and handed him tissues. He blew his nose gratefully. Then I gave him a water bottle. "Drink, you'll feel better." I said and he drained it. "Let's rest now. Can I hold you?" I asked gently. "It's okay if you don't want me to" I assured him. Sometimes he couldn't handle touch. He looked at me beseechingly. "Yes. please," he said his voice cracking. I snuggled next to him, sitting up slightly and pulled him into my lap. Letting him rest on me, tucking his head under my chin. I stroked his hair gently in an even rhythm, it was something he liked. His breathing relaxed. "Did you have a flashback?" I asked gently. After a moment he said. "Yeah, Them holding me down making me.." he choked and broke off. I thought that it could help him to finish. Even though it hurt. "Can you… say it baby?" I asked holding him tighter, asking him for details he had held back from me. He moaned. "It could help honey. I know it hurts." I said kissing his cheek. Then I waited patiently knowing he would finally break completely down about his flashbacks. About these details that tormented him with no release. I wanted him to be in my arms when he went through it. I wanted to comfort him. He gasped then tried, voice shaking. "They… They.. sometimes wanted more substantial sex. Which I hated. Because I didn't want intimacy. But I didn't have a choice. They sometimes put.. put me into their mouth. And held me down and prevented me from getting up. I freaked out. Because you were the only one who did that before. The worst part was…was… It felt good. God...I wanted them to stop, but also not. Then.. Then I just built up and came.They… Let me. In their mouths. Waiting… For me to recover, so I could do it again. It was a type of dominance thing. I felt sick. But felt good. Again and again. Until it started to hurt. Then I couldn't. Night after night. It made me hate myself. Hate those good orgasms. Never want to again. To die instead. Not feel good and bad anymore. I was so sore. God…" he moaned and started sobbing. I hugged him to my chest. "Jake, I'm so sorry that happened honey... I'm so sorry," I said and stroked his back, letting him cry. "I'm here. It's okay. It's okay. I'm so sorry." He gasped and had an anxiety attack, voice catching as he cried; a hyperventilation. "Breathe. Breathe. You'll feel better. It's going to end in a minute. It's almost over baby." I said gently then patting him on the back and propping him up to breathe. And it did drop off after about 8 painful minutes. He lost energy, as anxiety attacks eventually subsided. "I...I wish I could let you. I love you.." he said shaking. "I know. But we don't need to. It's okay. We can do other things. Without bad memories attached." And I knew this story was something he hadn't told anyone else yet. 

I stroked his back gently for a few minutes and I felt him relax. "Why don't you lie down, rest for a while," I said. He nodded and I lowered him down. I snuggled next to him and put an arm around him. He continued to breathe evenly.

"I really wish we could be intimate," he whispered. 

"We are right now baby, I love you," I said kissing his shoulder then resting my head on it. "I love so much about you, when you look at me, what you tell me. So many cute things. How much you're devoted to me. And when you're vulnerable like this, and you let me be here. Physically parts, don't really add to that," I said, speaking from the heart.

"Thank you...I love you," he returned. "It's the same for me." I looked into his face and saw how swollen it was. "Hold on I'll be right back," I said. I slipped out of bed and got an ice pack and a damp cool washcloth. He looked at me when I crawled back in bed. I sat up and gazed down at him. Gently I stroked his hair back from his swollen eyes. "I'm going to clean your face okay?" I asked gently. Then I dabbed his sticky forehead clear with the cloth and under both his eyes. I wiped his cheeks clean then with the softest touch dabbed over his eyelids. He looked relaxed by this. "Thank you," he said weakly looking at me. "Close your eyes," I said after kissing his forehead and he listened. I put the ice pack over his eyes and he moaned in relief. "That feels so good, thank you so much," he said in a rough voice. Then I started to kiss him. His hair, his cheek, his neck, and ear, his jaw, the corner of his mouth. Then his lips gently. He kissed back deeply, a low moan in his throat. He wound his arms around me. The ice pack falling off. He kissed my throat and my chest. Then when I reached my hands forward and began to caress his chest he stopped, and I felt him cringe. I stopped. I dropped my hands. He pulled back, sitting up, and looked at me, looking guilty and upset. 

"No honey. Don't. Don't blame yourself. We're okay," I said quickly, as tears fell down his crumpled face. I sat up across from him. I didn't want to touch him because he obviously couldn't handle it, but I wanted to comfort him. The poor thing. "Can I hold your hand,?" I asked softly. He was looking down, self loathing clear in his eyes. He nodded, dislodging tears. I held his hand in both of mine and pressed it to my face, nuzzling it against my cheek. "It's okay, I love you," I said kissing his palm. "You're doing the best you can honey," I said gently. He looked at me and I could tell he wanted to believe he hadn't offended me, but wasn't sure. I threaded my fingers through his. "Jake sweetheart, I'm not upset. I understand honey," I said stroking the back of his hand gently. "Would you like me to go now, it's really okay honey," I said gently. He looked torn. And I could see he didn't want to be alone but didn't want to risk that reaction again. 

"Just lie down," I urged gently. He looked at me then did it. I copied him but kept space between us, and kept holding his hand. "Is this okay honey?" I asked referring to the sleep situation. 

"Yes… Oh Ness I'm so sorry...I thought I was ready…" his voice broke off. I kissed his hand. 

"Shhhhh. It's not your fault baby. It's okay," I said stroking his hand gently. "Close your eyes, sleep. I won't leave you," I said. He looked at me, eyes looking tortured but then closed them at my request. In a few minutes he fell asleep. 

** 

The next day I woke up first and left the room, leaving him sleeping peacefully. I sat at the kitchen table in the big house and there was a sound of whooshing wind. Aunt Alice was there, exactly who I wanted to talk to. 

"Hey Ness, how are you?" She asked and something in her voice let me know she wasn't oblivious to my issues. 

"Not good. I'm worried about Jake. I don't know what's going to set off his PTSD. I don't want him to feel like I don't want him, like the…assault makes me not want him," I had to stop because my eyes were tearing up. Aunt Alice put a hand on my shoulder. 

"He really needs talk therapy. Maybe I could convince him to let me talk to him. I don't know. But in the interim. Ask him for permission if you want to touch him. And be mindful about what triggers him in terms of touch. If he starts to have an anxiety attack from something, it could be a smell, a phrase, something around him, anything, ask him to do calming breathing. Breathe in through the nose for 4 seconds. Hold your breath for 7. Then out through your mouth for the count of 8. Keep an eye out for other things," she said, eyes worried. 

"Like what?" I asked in a quiet voice. 

"Like self harming or wanting to use," she said quietly. This made me feel sick. I looked away. 

"I know Ness, I'm sorry this happened. We'll all help, we promise," she said reassuringly. We sat for a few more minutes, and I was lost in thought. I heard Jake's breathing change and realized he must be awake. 

"I'll be back," I said and went back to our room. I found Jake sitting up in bed staring at his hands. He wasn't upset but I could tell he was unhappy. "Hey baby," I said warmly, sitting in bed with him and kissing his temple. He looked at me and smiled slightly. 

"Did you sleep well?" He asked me. 

"Yeah, how about you?" I asked taking his hand again. 

"I got some sleep," he said, and the tone of his voice was so down. I didn't know if he was upset about last night or something new. I didn't want to make it worse so I didn't mention last night. 

"Would you like to go to the reservation today?" I asked carefully. "We could go swimming maybe," I suggested. The temperature of the water didn't phase either of us. He looked at me. 

"We could also go for a hike or go to Billy's," I offered feeling my throat get tight. 

"Ness…" he said gently stroking my face. "I'm okay. Really. You don't need to worry about me," he said. But I really felt like I did. He was clearly depressed. 

"Can I hug you?" I asked gently. He nodded and I could tell me asking him made him feel slightly guilty. I burrowed down into his chest and sighed in contentment. "Jake honey, I'm not worried exactly, I'm just… worried I'll say the wrong thing. I don't want to trigger you," I said, kissing his chest. He hugged me gently back. 

"Okay, but, I'll be alright. You don't need to be on guard," he said kissing my head. And this is what was bothering him. He didn't want to be treated like glass. Okay. That meant I was bound to make mistakes at some point. I thought heavily. But he wanted to feel normal, so I understood. 

"Will you consider something?" I asked quietly. He waited for the something. "Will you consider talking to Aunt Alice? She's so easy to talk to," I said, hoping he would agree. There was a silence and I disengaged to look into his face. He looked burdened. 

"Would it make you happy if I did?" He asked me and I could feel the guilt rolling off of him. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair. He looked at me, and I could see how uncomfortable he was in his skin. 

"Honey, it isn't something I want you to do for me. It's something I want you to want for you. You don't have to do anything," I said, kissing his mouth. His lips barely responded to me. They were dead. I broke off, fully understanding that intimacy in any form wasn't helpful right now. 

"Let's get out there and see what we feel like," I said smiling and standing up. He smiled wanly at me. 

"Okay, I'll be right out," he said, and I could tell he just wanted to be alone for a moment. The poor thing. He couldn't have just a normal relaxed day without something bothering him. I nodded and left. 

Aunt Rose and Uncle Emmett were sitting in the backyard at one of the many tables playing a card game of some sort. I walked up to them. 

"Hey there little niece," Uncle Emmett said easily. He was the best person for this job of cheering up Jake. He looked into my face and I couldn't tell if he could read the stress or not. 

"I need help," I managed. Aunt Rosalie looked at me sympathetically. 

"What can I do?" He asked cheerfully, putting his cards down. 

"Jake needs cheering up," I said and I knew that they all knew what was going on and I felt vulnerable bringing it up. He only smiled. 

Jake joined us outside then, hair still damp from a shower. I tried to meet his eye contact, but he didn't make it with me. I took his hand and tried not to frown in concern. 

"So brother, I was just chatting with Rose here, and she feels like making a bet," he said tauntingly. Jake looked at him. 

"What kind?" He asked, voice not quite dead, but not normal. 

"Well, I think I can take you in a match, she's not so sure," he said. Aunt Rose smiled, playing along. There was a moment, then Jake smiled a more realistic smile. He enjoyed fighting, even though he never said it. 

"So, what are the parameters, if I want to take you up on this challenge?" He said. Uncle Emmett stood up and I caught sight of my parents waking in with Seth in human form. Mom looked up at me and smiled, then they walked in our direction. 

"I think one of us wants to cross the yard, right? And only one of us can do it first. So…" he says smiling. So that would mean some sort of wrestling thing, not letting someone get past you. It was simple and sounded fun for Jake. Mom came up to stand next to me and I looked at dad and thought about the morning for his benefit. He frowned slightly, looking at Jake. Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper came out as well, Aunt Alice bouncing in excitement. 

"Any ground rules?" Jake checked, taking off his shirt to phase. 

"Yes, no broken bones!" I cried out looking at my uncle. He rolled his eyes at me. Jake phased and shook out his fur. Instantly I could see he was more relaxed as a wolf. 

"I'll be your second, Jake!" Seth cried out eagerly and stepped back to phase also. I was glad no one told Seth about Jake's PTSD. He needed some relationships that weren't affected by it. 

Uncle Emmett looked at my father. "Don't look at me, I don't want to fight today," my dad said raising his hands. Uncle Emmett rolled his eyes. 

"Jaz will do it," he said nodding to my uncle Jasper. He shrugged indifferently. Jake met him in the center of the lawn smiling a wolf grin. Aunt Alice counted them down, and we all stepped back. Then they were a blur of movement. They tumbled together and I heard the deafening impacts they made on each other. Jake got free and sprinted for the end of the lawn but Uncle Emmett caught him. They tumbled again, and I heard the snapping of Jake's jaws. 

"Hello," came a polite musical tone, and Simon just arrived holding a tired looking Bram's hand. 

"Hey," I said slightly more relaxed. It was nice seeing my best friends. They made me feel better. They also didn't know about what happened to Jake. 

"So what on Earth is happening, I thought a hurricane struck or something," Simon said casually. We all regarded the fight in front of us.

"No, Jake and Uncle Emmett are fighting for fun," I said shaking my head slightly. Bram gazed in wonder, shocked by how extreme it was. And the thing is, it wasn't, because it was strictly play-fighting. A real fight was terrifying to behold. Seth barked enthusiastically as Jake prevented Uncle Emmett from sprinting down the field. I looked at dad and dad was keeping up with their thoughts. His eyes were unfocused, listening to the internal dialogue. Uncle Emmett broke free then got Jake in a headlock. They rolled over, a mess of limbs and fur and I saw that Uncle Emmett had pinned Jake to the ground. He thrashed but couldn't get up. I heard dad suck in air next to me and I turned to look and his frozen expression. I felt panic surge in me, was he hurt? Dad dashed forward and I could see that Uncle Jasper also felt the change in his emotion and followed. We heard Uncle Emmett's laugh of triumph but then I heard the gasping sound, a choked sound. Like someone didn't have air. I heard the wheezing as it pulled through his muzzle. Jake laid still as if locked into place. Simon looked at me. 

"Do you think he's okay? Maybe a punch to the gut or something?" He asked, it was obvious to me that he had turned off his mind reading gift right now. I couldn't answer. I came forward. My dad was kneeling next to him. Uncle Jasper kept back but I felt an extreme calm mood steel through me, and most likely through everyone here.

"It's not real, you're here with us," he was repeating slowly. I could tell, even in wolf form, Jake was having a panic attack. Uncle Emmett stopped laughing and really saw what was happening when my dad knelt next to him. He looked like a deflated balloon, the smile sliding off his face. "Get Carlisle," he said to Uncle Emmett. 

"Did I hurt him?" He asked looking confused and concerned. Dad shook his head and Uncle Emmett left to get him. I kneeled down next to them and heard the lowest whine in his voice. A prolonged animal cry. 

"Jake, can you phase back… Jake…?" Dad asked him evenly. I heard an echoed cry. I turned and saw Seth sink down, sharing thoughts with him. 

"Seth, could you unlink with Jake?" I heard my mother ask the other ailing wolf quietly. He did and then looked into my mother's face with teary eyes. 

"What was that?" He gasped. He must have seen whatever Jake did. Grandpa got there and crouched next to dad. I moved back not wanting to be in the way. 

"It's okay Jake," my grandfather said gently pulling a syringe from his bag. "It would be best if you could phase back, then we can help you," he said. I went around to the other side. Jake was trembling on the ground. And he had trouble breathing. I wanted to say something but I didn't want to overwhelm him. Aunt Alice came up over near his head. 

"Breathe in for a count of four," she said. "Then hold for a count of seven, then breathe out counting to 8," she said gently. I started doing it so he could mimic me. So did she. In a moment, I felt him copy my breathing. There was a warm shimmer, then Jake was lying on his back in human form, still having a panic attack. 

"I'm here honey," I whispered, not able to take his hand, because they were clenched into fists. He was shaking and tears were leaking out of his eyes. And from how his breaths sounded, It was like someone was sitting on his throat, and he could barely breathe.

"I'm going to give you something to help you calm down," Grandpa said, sliding the syringe into Jake's shoulder. He cringed. I reached to pat his shoulder but I saw dad shake his head at me, so I didn't. 

Jake stared at the sky, obviously watching something replay in his mind that we couldn't see. But Dad could. "It's never going to happen again," he said to him reassuringly. "It's over. It's over," he repeated. Finally Jake's body relaxed and I knew it must be from the drugs. I turned my head and saw Bram holding on to Simon and looking down at him in concern. Simon seemed to be leaning on him, his eyes out of focus. He blinked then looked at me with terrified eyes. Simon must have turned on his gift and read his mind. Everyone else hung back, wanting to know if he was okay but also trying to give space.

"Want to go inside?" Dad asked kindly. He must have answered him in thought. "How about back at our house?" He tried. Jake closed his eyes and was breathing in air gratefully. "Okay, maybe that's the best idea," dad said. He made a small motion with his hand Jake didn't see, and everyone around us flitted away so it was me, dad, and Grandpa left. Dad and Grandpa helped him up. I stood back, trying to hold back tears and followed them. I didn't know what he saw. Some of my family had seen it, but I hadn't, and I was trying to decide if I wanted to know. We were headed for the garage. He must want to go home to La Push. I agreed. He needed a quiet secluded atmosphere. I wondered if he wanted me to go with him. Instead of asking Jake who they helped sit in the front seat, I asked Dad mentally. He turned to me and nodded. I got into the back of the car. Grandpa spoke to Jake through the open window. 

"Don't drive anything while on this medication. No motorcycles. Take it easy. I'm going to get you a prescription for anxiety. I'll send it over as soon as I can. We can talk about this again later when you aren't so out of it, also," he added patting his shoulder. Jake nodded to him and I could tell he was out of it. 

Dad drove us to La Push and I strived to have a silent conversation with him. Jake just had a massive flashback. I confirmed. His head dipped down slightly. I could tell from sitting behind the passenger seat. Was it because Uncle Emmett pinned him down? I asked further. Dad's head came back up, finishing the nod. My poor Jake. The idea of other beings pinning him down and doing things to him made me shudder. Maybe it's best if you let Jake and I talk to Simon and Bram. Maybe Jake wants to explain. Dad gave a tiny shrug. That could mean anything. But it's obvious that almost everyone is going to know now. Seth is connected to the pack… Dad sighed heavily. Yes. I agreed. This was less than ideal. I obviously didn't see it as a risk factor when they started playing. Maybe dad had, because he was listening to their thoughts during the fight. I don't want to trigger him more, is it better if I act like nothing happened and talk to him about other things? Dad frowned. So no, blowing by it wouldn't help anyone. I was relieved because I didn't think I could anyways. Not convincingly. I thought about what he said in the past. The advice was still good. I'll offer to talk to him if he wants to, but not push it if he doesn't feel like it. I thought, and Dad smiled again. It sounded like Jake may have fallen asleep in the front seat. That was fine with me. Anything to escape from this hell was best. We pulled up to Billy's and Dad walked around and opened Jake's door. He carefully lifted him up and carried him through the door to his bedroom. I followed and Jake's dad appeared, looking alarmed to see this. 

"I'll be right back," dad told him. Moments later he was back, looking grim. I myself had no idea how to explain this. "Do you mind if we sit?" He said and Billy nodded. I sat in an old armchair.

"Is Jake hurt?" He asked without preamble. 

"Not physically," dad replied. Billy looked confused. "He's been having a lot of nightmares here," dad said, and it wasn't really a question. Billy nodded and I could see he was making connections about Jake's recent behavior. "When we went to Italy last month, and dealt with the Volturi, Jake was a bit traumatized, by…some of the things he saw. He's experiencing anxiety attacks," dad said. I had to hand it to him. Dad was good at explaining things without explaining key details. And he was right, it wasn't right for him to tell him the true details. If Jake wanted to someday he would. 

"I don't know how to help him with that," Billy said honestly. 

"Carlisle gave him a sedative. He had a panic attack at the house. He's going to get him a prescription for anxiety. We're trying to convince him to consider talk therapy with one of us. We'll see," he said, and he didn't sound hopeful at the prospect of him considering talk therapy. Billy looked thoughtful. 

"We're lucky to have a doctor in the family," he said. "I'll let him be, but be aware of it and give you a call if something happens that I don't know how to help with," he said. He looked grateful but also like he wanted to know more. He was wise though. He knew Edward wasn't telling him because Jake needed to. 

"I'll leave my daughter here to sit with him. It was nice to see you," dad said pleasantly, standing and going to the door. He nodded to me and then left.

"I'm glad he has you," Billy said kindly to me and wheeled back down the hall. I felt like the world was so heavy, and I was trying to carry it, as I opened Jake's door. I sat on a low chair next to his bed. I worried about Jake's mental state. I worried about Jake being depressed and what that would do to his life. How would it affect us? What was the ultimate cost? I gazed at his sleeping face and remembered his expression on the ground at Grandpa's house. He looked so afraid. He never looked like that. My poor baby. Tears ran down my face as I took Jake's hand and held it as he slept. I settled back into the chair and worried myself into a stupor. I was somewhere between sleep and waking. What felt like minutes but could have been hours later, Jake's hand moved in mine. I gave a start and sat up. Jake was lying on his back but finally awake, he was looking at me. I got up and came closer. 

I kneeled down next to his bed and held his hand to my face. He shut his eyes then opened them and there were tears stuck to his long lashes. 

"No honey, don't feel bad. It's okay honey," I said gently stroking his hand I still had trapped. He closed his eyes and a breath got caught in his throat. I got up and climbed into his bed next to him. Carefully I put my arms around him and pulled him so I cradled his head against my stomach. He just held on to me, shaking. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked gently, while stroking his hair. "You don't have to. We understand. I understand. And I love you," I said gently, continuing to stroke his hair. 

"So...embarrassing," he managed in a shaking voice. 

"Sweetheart, it's okay. No one thinks less of you," I said stroking tears off his face. 

"Simon and Seth know now," he said in a low voice. And it was true. They did know. I couldn't lie about that. 

"Friends support you. They don't judge you. They're concerned is all," I said lightly, then kissed his head. 

"I didn't want them to know," he said quietly. I felt bad, because there was nothing to do to change it. I snuggled down closer and put my arms around him. He rested his head on my shoulder. I thought about what he said for so long, even he was distracted by my silence and lack of a reply to him. He turned to study my face.

"I think… It's right for them to know. If you disagree, that's fine, but… we're family. I'd want to know if Simon was in pain, so I could be there for him. It's just… well…. family knows the worst things about you, the most upsetting things, and they keep loving you," I said eventually. Jake looked at me looking thoughtful. His eyes seemed to finally clear from their previous haziness. The drug had run its course. 

"I guess I could talk to them about it," he said, although he looked strained. "I just never pictured really telling anyone. I could barely tell the people who know," he said. 

"It's your call what you do. I just know that they care about you. They want to help however they can," I said, stroking his hair back out of his eyes. "Just like me," I added. 

Jake covered his face with one of his hands. "Ness I don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell people I need help with. Because I don't even know," he said. There was a pause. "And yes, I know you want me to talk to Alice, but I don't want to yet. I'm not there yet," he said and took his hand down to look at me. He looked exhausted. 

I leaned forward and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around me and moaned. I kissed him greedily and I could feel he wanted me badly. I decided to slowly try. Maybe he did want it. I kissed him slowly down his chest. He held still, letting me. Slowly, I touched him over his shorts, he was hard for me. When we were upset, we often felt an extreme physical need for each other.

"Ohh," he moaned…"ohh Ness," he moaned. I kissed around him and pulled his shorts down to kiss him directly then he jerked extremely, he gasped and I could feel the fear. I let him go. He closed his eyes, tears leaking. 

"I'm sorry I can't," he said. I tried stroking him again hoping to pleasure him with touch only, and he cringed. He couldn't do it. 

I moved back up to him. "I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry I did it. I wanted to pleasure you if you were ready," I said gently, kissing his cheek. I got off him, not touching him. Slowly I took his hand. "I'm sorry baby," I said again. 

"No, it's okay. It's not you Ness," he said kissing my hand. He looked exhausted from his emotional attacks. The poor thing. He was so stressed out. 

"Do you want to sleep more?" I asked him, turning the subject off. He blinked. 

"No… No I've slept so much today. I can't anymore," he said.

"Good, meet me in the backyard in five, in your wolf form," I said getting out of the bed. He sat up and looked at me confused. I walked straight out, not wanting to give him a chance to ask. Outside I dialed my mother on my cell. 

"I'm with Jake, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I think he needs time away. To clear his head. I want to go with him," I said. There was a pause. 

"How long will you be gone?" She asked. 

"I don't know, he doesn't even know we're going yet," I said. 

"Well, you're grown up. I can't stop you. It probably will be good for him. Grandpa went to town to get the medicine for Jake. You probably want to take that with you." She was right. I thought to myself. 

"Could he leave it in grandpa Charlie's house? I want to stop to see him," I said. There was another pause.

"Okay, he can probably do that. You aren't going to explain this to Charlie, are you?" She asked, sounding worried. "Maybe Carlisle should leave it somewhere and not speak to him about what's going on…" she said breaking off.

"No, don't worry," I said, " and that's probably for the best.'' I saw Jake come out of the house. "I need to go, I'll text you okay?" I said.

"Okay, just be careful Ness. Don't go too far that you can't get him back to Grandpa Carlisle if he needs him," she said. 

"I will. I love you," I said and ended the call. I turned to see my favorite russet wolf gazing at me. I walked over to him and tangled my fingers in his neck fur. There was a soft humming noise when I did that. Jake was happier as a wolf sometimes. Emotions were easier to process. 

"Is there anyone in there with you?" I asked staring into his beautiful eyes. He knew I meant other consciousnesses. He shook his head. "Let's get away from here," I said smiling and kissing his nose. His eyes looked interested. "Like, away from it all. Take me into the woods with you," I said. He looked surprised, but then I saw the wolfy grin. I thought to myself about the journey. 

"Maybe let me grab a few things from your room, wait here," I said and kissed his nose again. In his room I found a backpack and stuffed it with a few pairs of our clothes and a few other necessities. I fit a blanket into it, and felt excitement. It was like a camping trip. And maybe Jake would feel better out in the world with me somehow. Who knew? I brought a phone charger. I said I would text. We would just need to find interesting ways to get electricity. I went back outside with the backpack to find Jake rolling on his back in the grass. He looked happier. He stood up and lowered himself down so I could get on.  
Once I did I whispered in his ear, "We need to see Grandpa Charlie first." He looked back questioningly, but I shrugged and smiled. Giving up on getting an answer from me, Jake took off towards Forks. I loved riding on Jake. He wasn't as fast as Dad, but it was still an experience. I fit perfectly behind his shoulder blades. I loved his warm sweet smelling fur, and the ride was fun, not as smooth as riding on a vampire, but more invigorating. The difference between riding a bike and riding a horse. We got to the outskirts of town in no time, so Jake had to phase back. 

"Ness, where is this all coming from?" He asked me, confused but also, to my delight, elated. 

"I don't know, I figured we both needed a break from the same stuff all the time. It was just a good time to go. But who knows how much I'll like it. I've never lived it rough," I said smiling. We walked down Grandpa Charlie's street together.

"I did years ago. I admit I liked it, but I was mostly a wolf for that. Maybe we should think of this as an extended camping trip instead," he said taking my hand. I laughed because that's how I thought of it. As we were walking up to the door Jake asked,"Why did we need to stop here?" 

"I needed something," I said and knocked on the door. There was movement and Grandpa Charlie came to the door. 

"Hey kids, oh my God it feels like it's been ages, come in," he said opening the door. Grandpa's house was always nice and cool. We followed him to the kitchen. It looked like he was halfway through a sandwich. 

"Are you kids hungry, do you want a sandwich?" He asked. I didn't like human food, but I wanted Jake to eat. 

"Sure, thanks Grandpa," I said easily. Jake moved to help him at the kitchen counter. "I wanted to grab something in Mom's room, I'll be right back," I said and climbed the stairs. There was a prescription bag on her bed with a note. I read my grandfather's careful writing. 

Ness, 

This is Ativan. He should take one a day if he's clearly suffering or as needed. It works relatively quickly. If he has issues with dizziness or concentration he should discontinue the drug and I can send a prescription for another one wherever you are. I'm only a phone call or text away. 

Love,   
Grandpa

I folded the note and took the pill bottle out of the bag. I put them both carefully into the front pocket of the backpack. I looked around her room. It was cozy, and really was like her personality exactly. I always liked visiting her room. I spotted a dreamcatcher hanging on her lamp. I smiled and picked it up, then carried it downstairs. Jake and Grandpa were laughing about something when I came in.

"What have you got there?" Grandpa asked. Jake looked surprised for some reason. 

"We've been having some bad dreams lately. I think we could use it. I found it in Mom's room," I said carefully attaching it to the backpack so it hung free. 

"Well, it's done it's fair share of catching nightmares…" he said then broke off, lost in thought. I looked questioningly at him but Jake shook his head slightly. Maybe he knew. 

"So how are you kids really? And before you answer, remember you are speaking to a detective," he said, keeping a straight face. I looked at Jake, and he stared back at me. 

"Things…things are just a little tense at home right now," I said. Grandpa looked at me and I felt, with some paranoia, like he was going to figure it out.

"Is anyone hurt, is anything wrong?" He asked. Jake still stared at me, not knowing where I was going with this. 

"No one is hurt. I'm just…" and I stopped and Jake really looked worried. I wish he knew me well enough to realize I wouldn't out him here. 

"I'm worried about someone I care about. He's going through a tough time," is what I managed. Because I didn't really want to lie to Grandpa Charlie, and also, it was really true, and I hadn't realized the toll that was being taken on me. Grandpa turned to Jake, who at the last moment, hitched a politely interested look on his face. 

"Is he a friend of yours too?" He asked him. 

"Yes," he said, also not adding anything because he had no idea what to add.

"When your mother was going through a tough time years ago, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should act as if everything was normal or openly try to talk to her about it. After trying both I realized something," he said. I was actually, surprisingly, very interested in what he had to say, and so was Jake, because he stopped shooting me annoyed looks and started listening as well. 

"I realized that even though it's painful, seeing someone you love sad all the time, they have to work through it themselves. And she did," and he turned and smiled specifically at Jake, and after a moment, he slowly smiled. 

"Does that help?" He asked, turning back to me. 

"Yes, I think so. Thanks," I said, and it wasn't even a lie. When Grandpa took his plate to the sink, I gave Jake my sandwich. He stared at me and I mouthed eat! At him. He rolled his eyes but started eating it. We refused dessert and after helping him clean up we said we had to be on our way. Jake waited until we got to the tree line before he started. 

"Jesus Ness, why did we need to do that?" He complained. 

"We had to pick up your anxiety medication. Grandpa Carlisle left it in Mom's room. He was in town already when I called Mom earlier," I said showing him the pill bottle. This brought him up short from whatever he was going to say next, sobering him. 

"Should I take it?" He asked me nervously. I wondered if he ever had a prescription before now. 

"Well, he said you could take it everyday or just take it in the moment, or a day you feel shaky," I said. He looked at the little bottle like it was going to bite him. I took it and put it back in my bag. "You can think about it," I said and started walking. He kept pace with me. "Why is this interesting to you?" I said. I was holding the dreamcatcher because it was attached to the zipper of the backpack where I had just stowed the medicine. 

"I gave your mother that," he said smiling. This smile touched his eyes. 

"Really?" I said, reexamining it. 

"Yeah, many years ago," he said. 

"Why did Grandpa talk about nightmares?" I remembered. Jake looked slightly uncomfortable. "What?" I said, stopping. 

"Well, it was when your father left your mother for six months before they were married. She had a lot of nightmares during that time. And that's when we became best friends," he said smiling down at me. I felt an ache for the tragic part of my parents love story, but it did answer another question possibly. 

"Oh, is that why he smiled at you at the end? Because you were there to help her feel better?" I asked. He nodded. 

"Your parents were meant to be together, and she knew it. She never let him go. And he couldn't let her go either," he said. "And I'm glad, because I wouldn't have you," he said, and sounded slightly emotional at the pronouncement. I stopped and slung my arms around his neck, losing myself in his dark eyes. I felt a pulse of warmth between our bodies. His eyes were deep, reflecting the emotions he felt and I felt a pull, a need to be close to him. But I couldn't. I froze with the memory of this and made to pull my hands down, but he wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up and against his chest. He kissed me, and I felt the same acute longing from him. But we had nowhere to go. We were in the woods of Forks. We pulled apart, both breathing a little faster. I felt a wave of relief as I looked into his lustful expression. He had a moment with me and it didn't trigger anything negative. That alone was better than anything else that could have followed but didn't; the hope that he could be feeling better. 

He took my hand and led me to a grassy area through the trees, under a twilit night. He pulled me over to him and then slowly down into the grass. He swung on top of me and pressed himself to me. He wanted me. I could feel it. I was concerned about this. I held back as to not trigger him. He pulled me into his lap so my pelvis was resting on his.

"Please, can we try Ness," he said and I read the longing there. I ground myself into him. He moaned into my ear. He stood me up, then took off my pants. I stepped out of them. He pulled my pelvis against his face, moaning when he saw I was wearing a thong. He massaged my butt then pulled the thong off me. He looked directly at me, loving my vagina. Then he pulled me back and pushed his tongue into me and pulled me against him, wide apart and rough. I cried out knees weak. He held me steady. He moved to my clitoris then pushed a thumb in and massaged my g spot. I jerked in pleasure. He sunk his middle finger deep in, and massaged the roof of my vagina. And sucked me. I moaned loudly, holding on to his head for support. He stopped and lied me on my back. He stood my knees up and pulled them wide. It was a much better position to get to me. He started again with his tongue, massaging the g spot with it. He lifted my butt up so I could be closer to his face. I almost came. 

"Use your hand," I moaned. He stopped and rested a hand on my abdomen. He sunk his fingers deep pressing down on my abdomen at the same time. This allowed him to push them deeper. It opened me up. I gasped, surprised but this. He proceeded to give me an excellent orgasm, a deep cervical one. During this I reached up and was caressing him and squeezing him lightly. He didn't complain. After he disconnected from me, I pulled my underwear back on. 

"Lie back for me honey," I said seductively. He looked slightly nervous, but did. "I won't give you oral sex. And I won't give you intercourse, is that alright?" I asked calmly. 

He breathed in and let the air out. "I wish you could. Can we see how this goes? I may need to stop," he said and sounded slightly upset.

"We can stop now if you want," I said, but I could see how hard he was. 

"No, please try. I want to try," he repeated and his voice was steadier. I started kissing him. I put his ear in my mouth. I layed down next to him and didn't put my mouth anywhere near him. I reached down and stroked him through his clothes. He trembled but held on. Brave of him. I cradled his testicles gently through his shorts and he moaned in pleasure. 

"Can I take your shorts off?" I whispered. He nodded, closing his eyes. I slid them down and when they got to his ankles he cringed badly. I pulled them back on, then wound my arms around him. He was panting like he ran a race. "It's okay, it's fine honey." I said kissing his hair. He didn't cry, but he was pale. "Deep breaths, it's okay," I comforted. I held him close and he relaxed. "There honey. It was good progress. You let me touch you. This is good sweetheart," I said kissing his forehead. He looked at me looking upset. "Don't, don't baby. It's really okay," I whispered, kissing his lips. I pulled away and he nodded. 

"Okay," he answered. This really was better than last time. 

"Okay," I said and took his hand. "Do you want to sleep here?" I asked taking out the large blanket. I made a sleeping bag set up for us. He smiled. 

"Yeah, is that alright?" He asked kissing my cheek. 

I climbed in and so did he. He cradled me to his chest but I pulled on a large t shirt first. I pulled the second half of the blanket over us. 

"Do you want one of your pills?" I asked. There was a pause.

"In the morning," he said, and kissed the back of my neck.  
He snuggled down and it wasn't that uncomfortable on the ground. So did I, and I felt him go to sleep after a few moments. I followed. 

The next day I suggested we take a bus to Seattle, for some city fun. He agreed when he saw how excited I was. 

We ended up eating at one of Jake's favorite diners. He enjoyed tempting me with different foods. Almost all of them were disgusting, but I did find that I didn't so much mind the taste of something he called bacon. It turned out he loved it too, so we ordered some more. 

"Jake," I ventured, nervous. "Can we talk?" He stopped chewing and looked very worried. 

"Oh no… No honey, no. Not that talk. I just want to ask about what's going on with you," I rushed to assure him. He let go of the table. He was gripping it. "We'll never have that talk," I said gently. He smiled gratefully.

"What do you want to know?" He asked carefully. 

"Well, when you and I are together and you need to stop, what is it that happens? Can I help at all?" I asked. He sighed. He looked slightly upset. 

"You don't need to tell me if it's too hard Jake," I said, taking another bite of bacon. 

"I feel like I'm transported and I remember a sharp memory of something that I had to do or was done to me with one of those half vampires. It feels so real, and it takes minutes for me to convince myself that it wasn't real in the moment, and that I'm safe with you. I can hear you but it's hard to concentrate on it," he said looking a bit miserable. I felt bad for bringing it up. 

"Jake, is it getting easier?" I asked gently. He looked pained. I could see the answer was no. I reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Can I tell you something?" I asked him. He nodded. "It doesn't matter to me. Kissing you and being close is really enough. Sex isn't that important. You are. Your mind and feelings. The intimacy in our hearts. I've loved you that way for a long time, with no sex at all. Sex was just one way to express my love for you. I hope you realize, you aren't disappointing me," I said, and kissed his hand. He looked into my eyes and cleared his throat. 

"Thanks babe," he whispered, and I knew he wasn't saying more because his voice wasn't steady. 

"Do you want me to go to talk therapy with you? With Aunt Alice? I could hold your hand. I wouldn't interrupt you," I said gently. He looked uncomfortable. 

"No, I think if I go, I have to go alone. But I so appreciate what you're doing for me. You make me feel better Ness. I love you," he said, and his eyes were overbright. I left money on the table. 

"Come on honey," I said getting him out of there. We walked hand in hand in the city and he looked better after a few minutes. I decided not to bring it up again that day. We went to one of the malls and I bought a second backpack and some clothes. Jake wasn't a clothes person, so I picked out things for him, and all he did was nod yes or no. We walked to a park and I noticed Jake's expression change. 

"What?" I asked. 

"I came here many years ago when I was upset. It was when your mother's life was in danger and I was really worried about her," he said. I knew her life was in danger from me, but for many years, they had convinced me it wasn't my fault, so I didn't feel bad about it. My mother was fine. We went to sit on the swings. Jake looked a lot more tranquil and I knew getting him away from home was a good idea. Eventually the sun started going down. I asked if we could get a hotel room. We had a lot of money with us, so buying things wasn't a problem. He nodded and smiled. I hoped he wouldn't associate the hotel room with any actions that may or may not take place. 

Our room was really nice. We got a king and the bathroom had a tub something like a hot tub. I smiled hugely. 

"Want to go for a swim?" I asked. He smiled and there was a loving glow behind his eyes. 

"Sure I'll be right back," he says stepping out. I started the water, choosing hot, undressed and lowered myself in. He came back in and appraised me. 

"This really suits you," he said. "Maybe when we get a house we should get one," he said smiling. 

"I agree,"I said mentally making a note to tell Aunt Alice. Jake slipped his clothes off and I could tell this slightly bothered him. It has for a few months. I wanted to kiss him to make him feel better. When he got in the soapy water he felt better. He moved over to me and sat in front of a jet next to me. 

"That feels great after sleeping on the ground," he said, smiling.

"I liked it. It felt like an experience," I said smiling. 

"I do love experiences," he said and wound his fingers into my hair with one hand. He cradled the back of my head, and kissed me seriously. I made a tiny moan and kissed him back, tracing his chest. He pulled me to sit in his lap. I started kissing all of him that I could reach, trying not to eat soap. I could tell this was a serious seduction. 

"Jake honey," I panted. He stopped kissing my breast. 

"Yeah," he whispered. 

"Would you like to stop like last night," I asked tolerantly. He paused and looked into my eyes. 

"I'm not sure, part of me almost feels like I need to push through at least one time, no matter what happens," he said. That's sobered me and I pulled away. 

"I don't think I could proceed if you were upset, baby," I said stroking his drawn face. 

"There's a difference between slightly upset and very upset," he said. I supposed he was right. 

"I just don't know," I said, reluctant. 

"Can we try? I need help," he said in a very small voice and my heart shattered. 

"Oh my goodness, honey, it's not like that. It's not that I don't want to help you," I said hugging him to me, the jets blowing water around us. He nodded, not speaking. 

"I'll help you baby, I'll help you. Just communicate. I'll do my best Jake," I said pulling his mouth back and kissing him. He kissed me but it was less like before. This was more sorrowful. I stopped and wound my arms around him and sat in the tub. I held him close, not speaking. This wasn't the moment to make out. 

"I love you Jake, I really love you," I said kissing his cheek. 

"I love you too," he said in a quiet voice. We finished washing and toweled off. We slid into bed with the towels and I still held him. The mood was different now. I tried to think of how to get it back. 

"Do you remember the first night we were intimate?" I asked him. I saw a small smile. 

"Do you mean our first kiss?" He asked, voice warm. 

"No, the first time I convinced you to be sexual with me," I said, changing my voice. I had a feeling this would work. 

"I remember everything Ness," he said in a content voice. He sounded better than before. 

"Remember how you were worried, but I convinced you to relax, and asked you to lie back for me," I said into his ear and stroked his chest.

"Yes," he said, slightly less calmly. 

"And then I took your clothes off. And my clothes off, and I began kissing down your chest," I said running my hand down. 

"Uhh huhh," he said and I felt the mood changing. 

"And then I slowly pulled your shorts off, and started kissing you, really low," I said moving the towel off him. He just breathed and didn't reply. 

"And then I slowly took you in my mouth, and it felt so so good, and you could barely withstand it, remember?" I said kissing his ear and tracing his inner thigh. 

"Oh," he said so quietly. Longing. I kissed his neck to his chest then down slowly. He didn't stop me. I got to his happy trail and he was breathing really hard. I blew on him gently, then used my hand to stroke him. I stopped and moved up to his lips.

"Do you want to come baby?" I asked kissing him softly on his parted lips. He nodded mouth still connected. "Do you want to this way?" I asked, stroking him with my hand. He hesitated. Then shook his head. I stopped and let him go. "How?" I asked. 

"Can you try again? I'm fine." He said quietly. 

"Baby, are you sure?" I said working him gently. His breathing changed, it would be easier if he was very hot; less emotional. 

"Yes, let's try," he breathed.

I moved down and looked at him, completely naked. "I love you. You are amazing. Amazing," I said stroking him then working him again a slow rhythm. He moaned but in pleasure. "That's right baby. Feel good." I said changing the pace. He panted. 

"Can….can. You…?" He looking at me weak with pleasure. 

"You want my mouth on you?" I verified. He looked slightly stressed but desire won. 

"Yes." 

"Honey are you sure? We don't need to.." 

"Please," he moaned and I recognized real pleasure. My resolve changed. 

"Yes.. hold on." I said gently kissing him on his parts, on his legs lovingly. Pulling his legs apart gently, stroking his inner thigh. Blowing hot air on him. 

"Ohh," he moaned. 

"Okay baby tell me if it upsets you okay?" I gently. He looked at me and nodded. "Okay I'm doing it," I said comfortingly. "I love you. I'll never hurt you honey, it's okay. I promise." I vowed. 

"I know," he said and it sounded like a dry sob almost. And I knew he was facing the fear. 

"Nice and easy," I comforted. Then I slowly slipped him in my mouth and sucked on him gently. He quietly cried out and I knew in weak bliss. I made the up and down motion and he stiffened. I let go. "Honey?" I said concerned. 

"I'm okay," he managed. I nodded and smiled sweetly at him. His eyes glowed in love. I sucked on him again and moved him deeper in my mouth, squeezing his balls at the same time. "Oh my God, God it feels so good. Uhh don't.. Don't stop." He begged and I sped up. "I'm going to.. I'm close.." he moaned. I sent him a thought, No. Not yet, hold it. He moaned in protest. I tried a different move and he did cry out softly. "Please," he begged. No honey, hold on for me. I sent, wanting him to feel the best he had in months. "God... God...I really can't," he moaned. Try, I urged. He held his breath. Thirty seconds later I could tell he could not any longer. Okay baby, go. I thought. "I'm ...coming" he gasped. Then after shaking he froze and came in my mouth gasping in orgasmic pleasure, a huge amount. I knew it felt very very good then. I slowly moved twice to prolong the pleasure. "Uhh" he moaned loving it. I pulled away and kissed him gently on his abdomen as he lost the erection. Then his belly button and chest. Then his teary cheek. 

"Honey, why?" I said aghast. 

"It was happy tears," he said more flowing down his face. 

"Okay, I understand," I said stroking his arm. 

"I can't move I feel so good," he sighed. Then I cradled him to me, still naked as he breathed peacefully. 

"There, do you feel better?" I asked him. He nodded, truly looking it "Okay, here we go again," I said. He looked at me blinking, then sucked in a breath, shocked when he realized I wasn't joking. I humped him with no clothes on. He gasped so turned on again very quickly.

"I can't believe this," he moaned. I rubbed myself on him, never really doing it before this way with no clothes. "Holy shit Ness," he moaned. I went back to giving him oral sex again. Although rougher. Pulling his legs to meet me. He jerked in total surprise. "Oh.. How.. How are you doing that?" He moaned. I gave him a hand job at the same time. He was hard very very fast. I did his favorite sucking motion that almost always made him orgasm in thirty seconds. He almost screamed with this. "Are... You.. Kidding me?..." He gasped. But then I stopped. Trying the starting and stopping technique. He lost his breath. I knew disappointed by me stopping. Then I went again for five minutes until I knew he was about to. Then stopped. "You are killing me," he moaned. You need this. I thought. And did it again. How many times was humane? "Ness.. Please let me," he begged. Again and stopped. "Nessss," a deep moan. "Please sweetheart," he said. Again and another stop. He shouted out so close and yet not there. "Sweet Jesus," he said covering his face. "Torture," he gasped. Again. I wanted to snicker. And finally I let him and it was a stronger come. I knew it. Twice in 20 minutes. 

That would put him to bed. When he got his breathing under control he said "Oh Lord, we've never done that. You destroy me woman," he said reaching for me. "I can't again.." he huffed. 

"Are you sure? You're a werewolf," I said gently stroking him. 

"No.. So tired," he said. He lay quietly as I continued stroking. He didn't respond at first, then got harder. His breathing sped slightly. It was a very very slow experience, because he was tired. Then I continued stroking. "How?" He moaned, breathing heavy. I rested my forehead on his. 

"Just enjoy the feeling honey," I said kissing his neck. It took about ten full minutes, but that was ten full minutes of prolonged pleasure. But I successfully gave him a hand job, and he came again, but I caught the stream for him. 

"I..I... I'm dead Ness," he said breathless. "How did you make me come three times?" He said, too tired to open his eyes. 

"You needed it," I said kissing his mouth. I knew he was done. And I did an excellent job. 

"Tomorrow you're going four times..." He breathed. I smiled. Maybe it was possible.

"Go to sleep. Let it carry you in." I said quietly. 

"Thank you, I love you." He said then drifted off into peaceful sleep. No sign of nightmares. 

The next few days were very blissful. Jake seemed like all the pins and needles were being removed from him. We spent all our time together, always touching. And at night, I continued to help Jake transition back without any hitches. We kept our hotel room. It was a nice oasis. One night, Jake was lying on his back, after a day of hiking, hands behind his head, looking thoughtfully at the ceiling. I lay next to him.

"Ness," he asked tentatively. I looked at him. He had a strange expression on his face. Shy. "Can we have sex?" He asked baldly. I sat up surprised. "Are you sure?" I asked. He started kissing me, not answering. But then I could tell quickly that our recent activities wouldn't be enough. I could read his need for me in his eyes. I nodded to him and he looked relieved. He picked me up and carried me to the desk in the room. He sat me on it and started kissing me again, hands between my legs working magic. Then he lay me back and stroked my chest and breasts.

"Please do it," I said, overwhelmed. It didn't take him long to get ready. I brought the supplies needed in the backpack. Just in case. He pulled me to the edge of the desk and pushed into me. Wow, this was different. I wrapped my legs around him, and felt the ecstacy in his pulses. He started gentle rocking me. "You can go harder," I said breathless. He gasped surprised then sped up, thrusting further out and in. It felt good, but I didn't want to do just this. "Stop" I said breathless. He did and looked down at me pulling me up. He kissed me like he was dying and I was saving him. 

"Oh god Ness...Ness I missed you baby..." He moaned kissing my jaw and neck stroking my bare back. I broke off.

"Take me to the bed,"I breathed and he picked me up, my legs wrapped around him. He set me down and held himself over me, rubbing himself on me and moaning but not re-entering.

"What do you want honey," he whispered, kissing my ear. "Let me try something," I said. He let go and I got on all fours and faced away from him. "Oh God are you serious..." He moaned. "Oh my god this is so sexy Ness," he said stroking my back and butt. 

"Be careful, it's new," I said. 

"Okay," he said eagerly. He gently pulled me to the edge of the bed. He stroked me for several minutes, realizing I needed to be restarted in terms of my own horniness. He even sunk his fingers in me trying to restart me. 

"Oh my God," I moaned. He ducked down and managed to give me oral from behind. Inserting his tongue in at a new angle, holding my legs apart and pulling me low to his face. I jumped because I realized he found my g spot with his tongue. He stopped. 

"What?" He asked. 

"You got the g spot again," I said breathless. 

"Oh, wonderful," he moaned and returned to it, stroking it carefully with a finger and using his tongue. It was a different sort of almost climax. 

"You need to stop" I gasped. He shook his head still connected he pulled me closer to get to my vagina easier and worked my g spot and clitoris. I really wanted all of him though. "Jake I want it," I said. And he stopped. He pulled me up so my butt was high and parted me carefully with his fingers. He eased himself in painlessly and I realized this was the most pleasurable position. I couldn't believe how good it felt. He held my legs and didn't pound me hard. He was trying to be more gentle. It was new. I kind of wanted him to a little. "Jake," I moaned and he realized that I wanted more. Then he pulled my butt against him tight and pressed harder, faster. 

"I'm not going to last long..." He panted, the rhythm good, my cervix being grazed by his deepness. 

"Then stop, slow down," I said. He did and put this mouth on me again, alternating. When he reentered again he pushed harder, what I wanted. In a minute I came with a yell. An explosive orgasm surface and internal. He followed almost immediately after several fast thrusts. He held me tightly against him when he came, deep in me and I felt the rush of warmth. He stroked my clitoris a bit longer. With his remaining erection he massaged my cervix deep in me, not thrusting, just pressing and rocking lifting me up almost and got another orgasm out of me, unexpectedly. He stopped to take the condom off and spent a few minutes massaging my shoulders and kissing my neck. Then he massaged my breasts. After a few minutes we were wrapped up again and he flipped me on my back and pulled me to the edge. He rested my legs on his shoulders, and proceeded to kiss my vagina, and use his tongue to ready me again. He got a new condom and massaged my vagina with his penis on the outside. And then stood and he pushed in me again holding my legs which were still on his shoulders. He put a pillow under me so I tilted up. He steered me forward and back easily and this time and he found my g spot again. This second time was longer for both of us, and I could really appreciate the building of the pleasure, the orgasm was almost at the same time this time, and all my limbs tingled from the pleasure.. After we laid quietly while he reached around from behind and continued to stimulate my clitoris gently, pulling my back and butt tight against his chest. I moaned and he slipped my ear into his mouth and held my legs open with his knee, pushing his penis against my back. I impossibly got wet for a third time that night and he gave me another orgasm with his hands, working my g spot each time. 

"How... How can we do this..." I asked amazed. 

"I think I know," he said kissing my neck. I turned around and began stroking him. He shivered. 

"How can we keep having sex without stopping?" I asked. 

"Because you're half vampire, and they can all night without stopping," he said caressing my breasts as I played with his testicles gently. 

"Are you serious?" I asked. "They all do, like 8 hours a night?" I said shocked. He couldn't answer because of the pleasure I was giving him. I stopped talking then and bent down to give him a blow job. Seven blissful minutes of his moaning later, he came jerking and twitching in pleasure. "You mean, you think we could for as long as half a vampire can?"

"Maybe" he allowed before sucking my left breast. 

"And what about you?" I asked. 

"I think I'm getting a month of what I missed. Plus I'm a werewolf, I think I get sex stamina along with fight stamina." 

"Did you know your orgasms can be better? We can try it later," I said. 

"Oh, how?" He asked curiously. 

"You may not like it, and we don't have to do it, but the prostate can give you g spot similar dry orgasms. Apparently better than ejaculating. I read about it," I said smiling. There was a silence. 

"Yeah, I'm not ready for that. He said. I giggled then slipped out of bed. "

"Can we talk?" I asked. He looked lustful but looked at me. 

"Okay," he said.

"How do you feel about the next round without a condom?" I asked. His eyes popped wide. 

"What..." He said blankly. 

"Do you want a family with me?" I asked looking into his eyes, lust forgotten. "Are you going to marry me?" I asked. It was quite a question. He sat up and I sat in his lap and wound my legs around his waist. I held my hands behind his neck. 

"Yes, I was going to ask you, in the next year or so to get married," he said looking a little embarrassed. 

"I'm sorry I asked, because that's your thing, proposing. But I don't have a year for kids," I said kissing his frozen face. 

"If you don't want them, I understand. Maybe we can adopt someday," I suggested, but I admitted in my heart it wasn't what I wanted. 

"I know about this actually," he said in a serious voice. I felt startled. "Your body is going to stop changing. I was going to bring it up soon, after we could be intimate again," he said. "But we've been having sex for hours, so, I think we're good." He added. 

"So... Do you want to make a baby honey?" I asked looking into his eyes. There was a pause and then he broke into a huge smile.

"Yes," he said. I kissed him pinning him down. But he wasn't content with that he sat back up and lifted me against his chest. 

"What do you want to try?" He asked between kisses. 

"I have an idea," I said. 

"Lie down," I said. He did and I played with him to warm him back up, including leaning down and putting him in my mouth. 

"Oh God that's good," he breathed. Then I lifted myself up, facing away from him and lowered myself on to him no condom. He gasped. "Oh wow..." He managed. And I had sex with him facing the other way. 

"You hold, we need a lot of sperm," I huffed. 

"Oh god... Okay I'll try," he moaned. After a few hot minutes I stopped. 

"Sit up," I said. He did and I disconnected. "Doggie is good for this," I said and got on all fours. He kneeled, sighing in pleasure, he loved this style, and eased himself into me. He started thrusting, but it was gentle. Knowing I was sore. But this time was about his orgasm not mine. He felt different, and I was glad nothing was coming between us. 

"Remember, pregnancy is more likely if you orgasm also," he said, revealing that he had been reading too. 

"Then deeper, faster," I begged and he pulled me very tight to him, and I felt his balls to against me and he pushed hard, increasing the speed. The deepest he ever was.. He opened my legs and lifted me up and got impossibly deeper, a different angle, grinding the g spot with the base of his penis. The best sex I ever had ever. . Right up against my cervix. 

"I'm coming, can you at the same time..?" I asked.

"No... Wait," he said and increased his speed, fast. But because of lube it didn't hurt. I was so clenched for orgasm. "Okay .. I can," he said. 

"Hold for sperm," I said. 

"Ugh," he moaned. A minute later, he told me he had to and I let go myself. He felt it and let go right after. It felt incredible, being so close and intimately connected with Jake. It was such a good orgasm it even hurt slightly, the pulses so strong. I felt the warmth of the sperm and it felt weird and good in me. I felt emotionally close from it, actually, and I wondered if it was a chemical thing. I told him we needed to stay connected for about 15 minutes to increase the likelihood of pregnancy.

"Is it possible we just made a baby?" I asked into the silence. Jake kissed my back.

"Maybe," he whispered. He twisted so we were still connected, but lying side by side. "What kind of father do you think I'll be," he asked, looking into my eyes. It was a relatively vulnerable question. 

"You'll be a great dad. Understanding, carefree, fun, and serious when you need to be. You don't force things that don't need to be forced. And you're patient. He or she will be very lucky," I said and kissed his forehead. He smiled and looked thoughtful. 

"He or she? Do you have a preference?" He asked me. I thought about it. It was difficult to say. I could imagine happy times with either. I admitted to myself that a boy would be excellent in the way that he would be the next chief Alpha, if he inherited the wolf gene. But if I had a little girl, I could become close to her like I am with my mother. 

"Either," I ultimately decided, and it was true. I wondered if the baby would create a fast pregnancy, like mine or if it would follow a more traditional human pregnancy. He eventually disconnected gently from me then lied down next to me and cradled me to his chest. 

"So, we're going to have a family," Jake said wonderingly. "A lot to do," he added. What an understatement. We were unmarried, and living in our parents' houses. But I knew these were small details that my aunt and grandmother would have no trouble with. I thought about where we would live, and I had no idea. Not too far from home. I wanted my baby to see the family almost everyday. I was getting tired from all the planning and speculating. My eyes drooped. 

"I was thinking, with all the mind readers here, maybe we should spill what were up to sooner rather than later," Jake murmured. I nodded. It was really the best course of action.

"Maybe we make our way home?" I asked before slipping under.

…

The home trip didn't take long. We were both so happy again. We left so much darkness behind us. And a very bright future. When we got home, mom was pleased to see us.

We pretty much were glowing, but it didn't matter. Everyone knew we were on a private trip. Emmett was the worst, making ridiculously suggestive comments about not coming up for air and stamina and crap. It was his way though. I was hoping to call a family meeting. I took out my phone and called Grandpa. "Hello?" He answered pleasantly. "Could we have a family meeting tonight?" I asked. There was a pause. "Nice to hear you're back! Sure is something wrong?" He asked. "No, we just want to talk," I said. "I'll arrange it, around 6?" "That's great!" I said. "I also need to make an appointment with you next week or the week after if that's alright." There was a longer pause. "Alright, that's fine, any day is fine," he said, and in that moment I had the thought that he might know. We hung up. 

"Wanna see Simon and Bram? I asked Jake. 

"Sure!" He answered smiling and kissing my forehead. The big house had grown in recent months. There were too many of us. Grandma added an addition to give Simon and Bram a place. She enjoyed building, she had been itching to try new ideas anyway. We left our room and went over to their wing, which included a cozy living room with glass walls, and knocked. After a moment, Bram answered. He looked slightly stressed but his expression cleared. "Hey," he said, looking pleased to see us.

" Do you mind if we hang out?" I asked. 

"Sure," he answered. Simon was on the couch, something in his expression too was unsettled. He smiled when he saw us come through the door, however. 

"Hey guys," he said easily. 

"Would you like to do something today?" I asked. Jake smiled, still dreamy from four hours of sex. But I instantly curbed my thoughts and hoped he was wise enough to curb his. 

"What do you think?" Bram asked. 

"I'd like to go for a hike. Maybe hunt," I said. 

"Well, I may be slow," Bram said, acknowledging his human weakness. 

"I'll carry you," Simon said appearing at his shoulder, and smiling serenely, the tense moment forgotten. It was incredible how much Simon had changed and how much vampire life seem to suit him. He was graceful, with vivid blonde hair, and a perfect pale face. 

Bram smiled and looked at Simon how Jake looks at me. They were close in personality, in some ways. He gestured out and we went to the front yard. Jake went to phase. Bram was always fascinated by this. He stared at Jake, interested, when he returned. Jake walked over to him so Bram could touch the russet fur. I ran my hands through it, marveling at the softness and buried my face in the sweet woodsy scent. I loved my boyfriend in all his forms. He reached his head back and nuzzled my face. I interpreted this as, I love you. Jake pulled away and smiled a wolf grin. 

"If we're done dog petting, can we go?" asked Simon a bit impatiently. Bram smiled, obviously finding it cute and returned to his boyfriend. 

Simon lifted Bram into a piggy back position. Bram clutched him looking a bit nervous. I knew it made him slightly nauseous when he rode on vampires. I personally loved it, whenever dad or Uncle Jasper or Grandpa gave me a ride. What a great thrill, sprinting through the trees; like flying. Dad was the fastest. Then Jake led the way into the forest, breaking into a sprint. Simon followed and easily was in the lead, still a new vampire. I heard his whoop of pleasure. I brought up the rear but Jake circled back frequently to check in, also showing off. I rolled my eyes at him. 

Going a bit fast? I added for Simon's thoughts. Starting to get bored with my slower running, I leapt up and grabbed a tree branch from a stika spruce, then another and pulled myself up into the branches like a cat. I always loved to climb. Jake didn't as much, because he was a lot heavier and broke branches, but he did his best to follow along. When I was alone, I liked to climb dangerously high, swaying in the breeze back and forth with the tip of the tree's final branch. I pulled myself high in the branches, wanting to enjoy the view. I found a spacious branch that would hold all of us if they wanted to join me. I could see the river and the big house from there. A cool breeze blew across my face, the sky was more sunny than overcast. 

"You guys want to join?" I asked, not needing to speak loud for them to hear me. About 8 minutes later, I heard Jacob climbing the tree. He was fairly graceful athletically, unless branches broke under him. He pulled himself onto my branch and kissed me. I instantly felt an electric current. His sigh told me he felt it too. Ever since our life changing night of passion, it was difficult concentrating on day to day normal things. But we had to. We couldn't stay locked in our room all day. 

"How fun would it be to do it up here?" I whispered, despite myself, then laughed. He smiled. 

"Very, but I don't think we have time." He put an arm around me and looked down at the big house. 

"Jake, we should build us a treehouse..." I mused. "A place we really could make love in the trees," I said gazing at him and smiling.

"Really? That would be quite a challenge," he said, but looked amused with the idea.

"Esme would love it," I said. 

"I don't want a baby up here though, maybe later?" He said. 

There was a crunch below us and immediately we stopped talking about babies. 

"Ahoy up there, want company?" Simon called. 

"Sure," I called. There was a soft sound of bending branches and labored breathing; Bram. He was probably afraid. 

"Maybe I shouldn't have gone so high," I said. Jake looked over the side. 

"They're almost here," he said. 

Then Simon appeared, Bram clutching his neck, eyes squeezed shut, terrified. "It's okay Bram, I won't let you fall," Simon comforted, gently swinging him to sit next to Jake. Jake clutched his shoulder to steady him. Bram opened his eyes and looked around. When he took in the sturdy branch, he relaxed somewhat. 

"This is crazy, you guys have the most incredible experiences," he said, looking at the big house. 

"I'm still stunned by it. Everything comes so easy," Simon said sitting next to Bram and holding onto his leg. He looked around peacefully. His eyes were a dull orange now, due to his diet of animal blood. He didn't need glasses anymore, and it was hard getting used to him without them. Simon could easily mingle with humans at this point. For a newborn, he did very well. "So what's new?" He asked everyone. I thought it was almost funny because there was so much new with Jake and I I felt like my head was going to explode. I didn't want to spoil it. But of course Simon could hear this. He tilted his head at me. Later. I thought, not wanting to get into it. 

"Well, tonight we have something to talk about with everyone, we're having a family meeting." I said brightly, tightly controlling my thoughts.

"That's great because we have something to share too," said Bram cheerfully. Simon grimaced slightly, and Bram didn't catch it. 

Is something the matter? I asked him mentally. He frowned slightly. Something about Bram obviously. I continued. Hmmm. Are you guys going back to Dartmouth? I asked. He shook his head slightly. Oh is it, maybe... And I thought about sex. He rolled his eyes. I puzzled over it looking at Bram's radiant expression. Then I met Simon's eye contact again. Oh. I thought and understood his discomfort. He wants to change, doesn't he? Simon looked at me and then at Bram unhappily. Why is that a problem? I went on. Although he couldn't answer me. I thought about it while Jake and Bram chatted about favorite amusement park rides; talking about the fear of heights. You probably don't want to see him hurt. Or maybe think it's selfish to steal the rest of his life? I thought. He looked down. A nod. I talked to my mother, and she grappled with these things when she was deciding. She was able to see her dad again. I see my grandfather. But unfortunately, my other grandmother was not accepting. Have you thought about seeing your parents? I asked. He lifted one shoulder and dropped it. A shrug. It will take time. I agreed. But when it comes to Bram, Simon, he wants to be with you. More than anything. He doesn't want to be old while you're 18 forever, and he doesn't want to break up. What choices are left? I asked mentally. He frowned looking thoughtful. In the end, he has to choose. Simon just looked grave but then rubbed Bram's leg. Bram looked at him, and smiled in a way that led me to believe he wanted him to cheer up. He picked up his hand and kissed it. Then played with his silky vampire skin, looking at it wonderingly. Bram was very taken with Simon's vampire self. I enjoyed their love story. It was different from my family. Finally I got my outside friends I always wanted, and it looked like we never had to stop being together. Bram will be so happy. We all are, save Aunt Rosalie. But she wanted to have kids badly. You can always adopt. Simon looked thoughtful again and Bram looked well, the happiest I'd seen him in months. Simon noticed too and smiled. 

Suddenly Jake started, "Do you hear that?" He asked. I listened and picked up a faint heartbeat and a bark. It was a dog, which also meant an owner. We looked at each other. 

"Why don't you guys stay and I'll go down," he offered. It was too sunny for Simon and he was better at carrying Bram. They nodded and Jake disappeared below. I was curious so I flitted down somewhat. Jake dropped like a rock halfway down and he grabbed a tree branch, then he dropped again. I heard sniffing and four paws. Then a small puppy came forward, his paws too big for him. He had an official looking coat on him. He went to Jake's feet. He bent down and picked him up. He panted and smiled. "Hey boy," he said enthusiastically. Jake pet him and he looked up at him with cute chocolate eyes. He was a German Shepard. "You're a good boy huh?" Jake said voice warm. He licked his hand. 

"Milo?" called someone and I picked up the heartbeat. Jake carried him closer. I climbed higher to see them. 

"Thanks," she said, and she was dressed like a police officer. He set him down. He ran to his owner barking happily. 

"Beautiful dog," Jake said. Is he a working dog?" He asked. 

"Yes, actually he's in training for search and rescue. He's training his nose and stamina right now." Jake smiled. 

"How do you get into that?" He said. 

"I went into the academy with a focus on dog related training and rescue. Then you work with dogs and learn how to train them, and you look for the right breeder. The need to be trained for the certification exam by age two. In 20 minutes, they need to find so many people buried in rubble," she said. I cocked my head interested. 

"It sounds like a great career," he said. "Good luck," he said. 

"Thanks again," she said leashing him and leading Milo away. Jake stared after them, and the look on his face really struck me. It was a look of almost longing. And Jake frequently didn't want anything. I was fascinated. He turned back and joined me.

"Well, you're a welcome sight," he said climbing the branches and trapping me on a branch to kiss me. I kissed him back urgently, really wanting him. I sent him the thought. "Later," he said smiling. Teasing. I sent him an idea for a new position and he sighed. I was tempting him back. We climbed up back to our friends. "It was a dog in police training," he said smiling. The others nodded. Then we talked about hunting soon. Jake looked thoughtful, and really he often didn't. 

Later we ran and hunted, each getting two deer. We brought Bram home first. It wasn't safe for him. Simon was still too new. 

Later we decided to go to first beach when it got more overcast again. I lounged on the beach next to Jake, enjoying a driftwood fire. 

"German Shepards, very adorable right?" I said to Jake. He smiled. 

"And very impressive. What a talent, saving people," he said. 

"You did once. I thought you enjoyed that," I said taking his hand. 

"Sure," he said. "But perhaps not now," he said. There were no more vampires. 

"Well you're strong, and noble. Maybe you could save people from normal dangers," I said. 

"Hmm, I'm not sure I want vigilante life. But my hero name could have been The Wolf. Alice could have chosen my cape," he said snickering. I thought in silence for a while. 

"What about legitimately?" I asked. He looked at me. 

"You mean, like a cop? Like Charlie?" He asked. I smiled. 

"Is there something wrong with that?" I asked. He was quiet for a while. 

"Not sure," he said. I thought to myself, maybe this was a good idea for him. 

"If we want to make our family meeting we should go back," I said getting up. Jake kicked sand over our fire, then slipped away to phase. I decided to catch a ride back. Bram and Simon had been down by the water. Bram got on Simon, looking a little more confident. The big house was lit when we got home. Dad and mom were standing outside, watching the setting sun.

"You have me so curious," mom said smiling, putting an arm around my shoulder. I didn't reveal anything, just smiled and followed Jake inside. 

Everyone sat in the living room. We recently got another couch due to Simon and Bram. I curled up next to Jake and Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper. Alice leaned forward to look at me. 

"I wish I could see! I hate being left out of secrets!" She said, looking pained. I just smiled a toothy grin at her. I was convinced the news would be received positively, but I was a bit worried about dad. Mom had me when she was 17 too, so hopefully it wouldn't be a problem. 

Everyone gathered, my parents next to Grandma and Grandpa, then Emmett and Rose, and Simon and Bram. Bram looked at everyone eagerly. He was still deeply fascinated by the vampires. Grandpa cleared his throat. 

"So we're having a family meeting if anyone wants to share news." His eyes twinkled as he looked at me. I hoped he controlled his thoughts.

Everyone looked over at Jake and me. Jake cleared his throat uncomfortably. He didn't like a lot of attention. I decided to talk.

"As you know," I began. "My aging is ending within the year, so Jake and I talked and made the decision to..." And I looked at mom, who was looking at me with rapt attention. "Start trying," I said with a grin. There was a moment of incredible silence, then Grandma jumped up. 

"Oh my goodness, that's wonderful!" She exclaimed and everybody thawed. Mom got up too and she looked happy, and it didn't seemed forced. I hugged them. Aunt Rose looked pleased with the idea of more babies. Uncle Emmett mock punched Jake's shoulder and laughed only he didn't sour the moment with bad jokes. Everyone was grinning and chatting. Dad came up to me and I stopped smiling.

"Really?" He asked, and it didn't sound bad. "I'm going to be a grandfather?" He asked, looking stunned. Then he hugged me. I was happy because he was taking it well. Aunt Alice's delightful laugh rang out and bounced off the walls back to us. 

"There's so much to do! A baby shower, so much prep. Esme!" She shouted, and dashed away.

"Congratulations," Uncle Jasper said quietly. He was muted in his way, but seemed happy. 

"I had a feeling when you asked for an appointment," Grandpa said. "I didn't think I'd have another chance to deliver a baby in this family. You know I missed yours," he said to me and put an arm on Jake's shoulders. 

"You're really ready?" Dad asked him with a bit of pressure. It didn't phase Jake. 

"Yes, otherwise it will never happen," he said and smiled serenely. It was the happiest he looked since his issues with the PTSD. Dad seemed satisfied. Simon pushed through tugging Bram by the hand. His eyes were round. 

"My God guys, you are so grown up!" He exclaimed. 

"Mom had me at the same age," I said. 

"I didn't know that," said Bram, again staring at her still shocked that I was her daughter and about the whole story in general. Simon had told him and in the following days, he asked Mom a lot of questions. She didn't mind. 

"Well guys that's incredible. I'll get some instructions written for you Ness for when it's finally time. It will be really interesting to see if the fetus will be human or part human vampire or all three," he mused. I sat down next to Jake again on the couch and he cradled me against him gently. I didn't need to read his mind to know how peaceful he was feeling. It was good. I had been so worried about him for so long. 

"I'm not sure how to tell Grandpa Charlie yet," mom said looking slightly strained. Yeah that would be interesting, I thought. 

"Or Billy...or the pack..." said Jake, sounding less peaceful. I kissed his hand. It would all work out. 

"Any other news?" Grandpa said. 

"Yes actually," Bram said shyly. Everyone looked at him and the atmosphere was warm, so it helped him out. Simon's smile seemed a bit more strained. Dad was locking eyes with him, and I knew they were having a conversation. 

"We've decided that I'm going to become a vampire, with your permission, of course..." He said, looking at Grandpa, shy again. This was also met with a pause. 

Grandpa spoke first. "Wow, what a big decision, of course you're welcome to be a vampire in this family," he said, smiling warmly. Most everyone else didn't know what to say. It was a tense thing. Choosing something the rest of them were all forced into. But Mom chose it. She smiled. 

"I completely understand Bram, I didn't want to age past Edward either, and I've never regretted it," she said kissing his cheek. Aunt Rosalie didn't look impressed but this was somewhat different. Bram wasn't giving up the ability to be pregnant, the way my mother thought she had. 

"So, what's the timeline exactly?" asked Dad. 

"We're not sure, I'm we need you to advise us on what to do. I'm aware of the issues concerning new vampires. I know I may need to grow up away from people for a while," Bram said. We looked to Uncle Jasper, who made all the decisions about newborn vampires. 

"Certainly we can make the change possible. We could spend time with Tanya maybe. She's quite isolated in the North. There's no issue with human exposure where they live. I'm certain they would love to have us," he said. I was excited by the prospect. I loved Uncle Garrett and Aunt Kate. 

"Have you considered everything you would need to give up, including your family?" Grandpa asked kindly but seriously. 

"Yes, and all cons aside, I won't go on without Simon," Bram said with conviction. We all looked at Simon. He still looked uncomfortable.

"And where do you stand Simon?" Grandma asked. 

"I want Bram to do what he wants. I'm just a little worried about the risks, the transformation process," he said evasively. 

"We'll help you with everything," Grandpa promised. "Congratulations, I'm happy for you," he said. I got up to hug them both, and Jake did as well. Jake was very adjusted to vampires. It didn't bother him that Bram wanted to be one. He obviously wasn't going to start killing people. We wouldn't allow it.

"We all don't have to go to Tanya's," dad said. 

"Yeah, whoever wants to," Bram said quickly. I knew Simon's concerns, but I was glad Bram was joining us. 

"Can I talk to you?" I asked Simon and he nodded and followed me on to the back porch. "I know I said it all earlier in the tree, but do you want to talk about this?" I said kindly, knowing Simon well. He was expressive and emotional. And it was clear, he was stressed. 

"I just can't help but feel like I'm stealing his life. He could get older, meet someone else, fall in love, and have a family. Or he could play teenager with me forever, limited in so many ways..." He said, voice burdened.

"I know Simon, but you can have a family too. You can adopt," I said kindly. 

"What, a human? And then turn them into a vampire?" He said sounded disgusted. 

"No. People get turned into vampires not wanting it, and that may not want to kill people. There are people out there who might need guidance. A home," I said. He processed this. 

"Doesn't seem easy to find," Simon said. 

"No but Aunt Alice may be able to help find them," I said. 

"Still, Bram could have a baby with someone, get his sperm implanted etc." Simon said heavily. 

"Well we could freeze his sperm," I said. "We could still do that and then when the baby is of age, give him or her the choice," I suggested. 

"I'm not sure I feel better about that plan," Simon sighed. "I can see changing a person to save them. I can't see changing perfectly healthy people just cause. I keep thinking of that stupid middle school book Tuck Everlasting. Ugh.." he moaned and covered his face. 

"Bram really wants this though," I whispered. 

"Yes. It's the only thing we've ever really fought over," he said. "I don't understand why Bram would throw away so much for me," he said morosely. 

"Simon. Come on. You're lovely. Of course Bram wants to stay with you," I said comfortingly. Simon stared at the river, and I had the impression that he was saying something mentally, not to me. So Dad was interested in this conversation too. Well, dad would know better than anyone, the horror of ending your soulmate's life by choice. "My dad is someone you should talk to. When my mother was my age and human, he didn't want to change her," Simon looked at me. 

"Yeah, maybe I'll hang back with him," he said. But then Bram came out looking for him. 

"Want to turn in?" He asked. Simon hesitated, then it was clear he longed for him more than he wanted to hang back and talk to Dad. 

"Did you eat?" He asked going over to him and taking his hand. "I'm not sure we feed you enough," he said. 

"Just did, Jake's eating too," he said. 

"Okay, let's go," he said, and they left at human speed.


	15. Promises

:: This chapter contains sexual content::

Simon- Promises- Chapter 15

In bed, I held out my arms and Bram climbed into them willingly. He had already adjusted to the temperature change. I didn't sleep, but I held Bram every night. 

"I think that went okay," said Bram, laying his head on my shoulder and reaching for my neck. I stroked his back, and a shiver ran through him. 

"Sure," I said easily, but there was an intensity to the word. Bram stirred and propped up on an elbow. 

"Talk to me Si. Please," he said stroking my marble lips. I easily pulled him higher onto my chest and started kissing his hair, his neck, his jaw. I blew on his ear. Bram moaned and kissed my lips urgently, remembering to be careful. I caressed his hair very gently, aware of how breakable he was. Bram pushed the covers off the bed and straddled me, pushing his warm body on me. Bram kissed my chest. I cradled him to me then turned him so I was on top of him and caressed his body. I pressed my own body to him lightly. Bram moaned. "I wish we could... It's hard being limited," he said. It wasn't safe for us to have sex. Most of it was too dangerous. I found ways to pleasure Bram with minimal danger. But Bram could not do the same for me. I didn't really mind. I rested my forehead on Bram's; still easily holding myself over him. 

"Bram...this is so hard," I said in a whisper. Bram looked into my eyes. They were brown and expressive. "I love you. I don't want to do anything to hurt you. I don't want to take your life," I said, and my voice twisted with the pain of the emotion.

"Simon," he protested quietly. 

"I know. I know you don't want to outgrow me," I said. "But imagine it differently. Could you end my life?" I asked. Bram's eyes looked burdened. "I mean honey," I said, pressing his hand to his chest, where his heart beat. "You're vibrant, full of life. Maybe there's someone you could grow old with, not me. And you aren't giving yourself the chance," I said, voice breaking. It killed me to say this, because I didn't want to live without him, but I wasn't so selfish as to not suggest it. 

"No.... No I don't want anyone else. I want to be with you and you only." He said. I wanted so much to hear these words, but I felt so selfish at the same time. 

"How can I...bite you and watch you burn for three days," I moaned and kissed his forehead. 

"I held you when you burned. That's all I want," he countered. I lowered myself so we were lying next to each other. I felt my eyes prick, but stay dry and my breathing hitch. Bram looked agonized. He hugged me tightly.

"Don't Si, it's okay," he comforted, his voice changing to a gentle tone.

"It's not okay," I moaned, voice catching. "I love you, I don't want you to change for me," I managed. 

"Shhh, it's okay...shhh," Bram said stroking my hair. I craved his loving touch, and leaned into his hand. He stroked under my eye with his thumb where tears would be if I was still human.

"Please Bram, don't do it. Please...," I begged. Now Bram's eyes filled with tears. 

"Don't you want me Simon? We won't be able to stay together," he said voice pained. 

I hugged him back so he wouldn't start crying, pulling him tight against my chest. "Of course I do. I just hate the sacrifices. Oh Bram," I moaned, and cradled him. My soft, warm, breakable, human boyfriend. Then we got lost in kissing again, desperate and emotionally charged. However before it could progress, I gently pulled away from Bram and pulled him down to sleep again. 

"It's going to be fine. Whatever happens." I whispered to him, trying to soothe him, and kissed his hair. "Go to sleep honey," I said. Bram was exhausted, and fell asleep quickly in my arms. 

...

The next day I went hunting with Edward at my request. He was my favorite hunting companion because we could telecommunicate. Very easy.

I'm struggling. I thought.

Yeah, I know exactly the worry of this. I felt it for a year before Bella changed. In fact, I feared it so much, I left for 6 months. But she never got over me and I couldn't function without her. So we got back together, and eventually she convinced me to change her, after we got married. 

I couldn't leave Bram. I wouldn't be able to function. I thought, cringing.

I know. It's what it is. Are you going to go along with this? He asked mentally as he closed in on a deer. 

It's what he wants. I can't choose his life for him. He's thought about it for a while, and he can't be persuaded away. I mean... It's selfish but I want him to be immortal. So I don't have to lose him. But he's so perfect. His heartbeat, his changing body, his ability to blush, and sleep. His eyes. I don't like losing that. It's painful imagining it.

It was the same for me. I loved everything about Bella, but here's the thing, so much if her translated to her new self that it wasn't so hard. And I got so much more. The intimacy I get is unbelievable. It was dangerous when she was human. I had to fight to always be careful. 

I'm careful now. Bram is so breakable. Oh man... It's also the venom, I don't want the pain of that for him.

I had Bella on morphine and it seemed to spare her, maybe we can try it? He offered. 

Yeah, this really is still happening I guess. I thought, heavily. 

Well, eventually, I realized it was what she really wanted. And if I stood in the way, it risked us. Plus she's so happy now. It was the right choice for her. He thought. I don't regret it. I took my deer next. 

Alright. I guess I'll do my best. You said we'll knock Bram out, right? Then what? 

I suggest we collect your venom and put it in a syringe. It's difficult to stop when you taste blood. 

Ugh, alright. I thought miserably, not liking this mental picture. 

Don't worry Simon, it's going to work out. Take it from me. He assured me as we headed back. 

...

That night I sat with Bella and Alice at the big house. Bram, Emmett, Jake, and Jasper were playing soccer. 

"Edward told me you don't remember the burning process because of morphine. I said. We're going to try that," I said. Bella looked really guilty and Alice stared at her, confused. 

"Okay. I have a confession to make. The morphine didn't work. It just pinned me down and gagged my body as I burned, I was able to stay quiet through the pain somehow," she said. Alice looked shocked

"Edward is not going to like this," she said, still looking staggered. 

"I can't help it. We can't leave Bram gagged and pinned," she said. "But let's hold off on telling him for now," she continued, looking worried.

"I don't want to cause Bram pain for three days," I moaned. 

"There's no help for it. But then a lifetime stretches out before you," said Alice.

"I'm not sure when we should be leaving to do this,'' I confessed.

"Whenever, but if Ness gets pregnant, she will have to come back here," Bella said. 

It made sense because Carlisle was here. 

"I should go see Bram again," I said, feeling low. 

"Simon, it's going to be fine. I can see the future on this because you're so clear to me now. I caught a glimpse of you and Bram smiling, and he was a vampire," Alice said and she showed the memory to me through my thoughts. I gazed at it mesmerised. He looked... Really happy. We both did. It gave me a little bit more hope, and I felt a little warmer. I stood and headed out, smiling slightly to myself. 

... A Week later

We decided to leave to arrive on the weekend. Everything was packed and loaded in the cars. Eventually, we determined that half of us were going; Edward, Bella, Jake, Ness, Alice, and Jasper. Alice and Jasper were especially needed for their gifts, and Jasper's knowledge of newborns. Bram was excited but nervous also. I was just nervous. We left in the morning for the plane; the other vampires lived in the far north of Alaska. It was very secluded from people; a perfect environment. The cold didn't bother our kind. The plane ride wasn't so long, it seemed to speed by, and then we took cars from the airport to complete the rest of the journey.

"Are you okay Si?" Bram asked quietly in the backseat, not exactly aware that all the vampires could hear. I felt bad that he was worried about me when he only had a few hours left before he was in agony.

"I mean, yes if you are," I said, taking his hand and squeezing it. 

His heartbeat was increased faster than normal. "Just slightly nervous." I knew it was more than slightly, but Bram was brave.

"It's okay. I know. It's almost over," I comforted, and stroked his arm, feeling like hell inside. Edward shot me a sympathetic look in the rear view mirror. He was currently very upset about finding out that Bella remembered her transformation. Nothing to be done about that. But he felt terrible guilt. It was years ago, and she was happy now. But yeah, it is unfortunate when secrets were kept like that. 

I hugged Bram close and he settled down to doze. Good. I wanted him to get rest. When he was clearly out, I looked over at Edward. 

"How are you going to proceed with this?" I asked quietly. The atmosphere in the car felt tense.

"Bella's transformation was very fast due to the fact that I injected venom straight into her heart; like they do with adrenaline. That's why I asked you to collect your venom." I cringed. And thought about how much Bram was afraid of needles. 

"It's okay, I was going to put him under for a few minutes. Not like the morphine, trust me. That way nothing needs to scare him on top of this," he said reassuringly. 

"Okay, great. Thank you," I said, relieved, then kissed Bram's forehead. 

When we arrived and parked, we were greeted warmly. The head of the family, Tanya, was pleased that we we're visiting, and hugged all of us. Two vampires that were introduced to me as Kate and Garrett, were there holding hands. There were also two more vampires named Carmen and Eleazar. They nodded to me. 

"It's so nice to meet you, we consider ourselves extended family," Tanya said. 

"Thank you, I'm newly adopted. And this," I said lifting a sleeping Bram from the car, " Is my boyfriend, Bram." No one showed any signs of surprise or negativity. It was nice. 

"I'm sure when he wakes it will be delightful to speak with him," Carmen said. She looked touched by us. 

"We know why you're here, and we assure you that this is a safe place," Tanya said, leading us in. Everyone followed and I hugged Bram tighter to me as I carried him in. We were shown into a room that was spacious and contained a couch. I set Bram down gently. 

"There's another room here too. I suggest the rest of us do some hunting," she said. Probably a good idea. They needed to be in peak form. I wasn't going. I wouldn't be away from Bram until he was transformed. Edward read in my thoughts I wanted a few minutes alone with Bram. He nodded, and started rifling through the bags we brought. In the room given to us, I laid him gently on the bed with a soft pillow under his head. I sat in a chair beside him and held his hand. Bram stirred. He opened his eyes and looked over. I looked at him, a bit miserably. I wished he didn't have to do this. I wished I was human. 

Bram smiled and squeezed my hand. "It's okay. I know. It's almost over," he said, repeating what I said. I climbed in next to him, and kissed him urgently; feeling his body lightly under my fingertips. I felt his warm smooth skin, his increased heartbeat. 

"Bram... So beautiful..." I moaned kissing his jaw.

"Simon, you should see you. You are heart stoppingly beautiful," he said pulling his fingers through my hair, gently, sending a chill through me. "You've always been," he added, laughing against my shoulder. 

"I love you," I said, and it was pained. These were my final moments with him as a human. His life was about to end. 

"Honey..." Bram said, voice gentle. He pulled me over to rest his head on my forehead. "Sweetheart, it's okay," he comforted me, and stroked my face. I took a pained breath and held it. It wasn't fair that he was worried about me. I didn't want to have a breakdown. I wanted to comfort him. "We need to stop stalling. We need to push on," Bram said pulling my lips up to his and kissing me gently, like a whisper. I kissed him back, like my life depended on it. 

I pulled away. "I'll be here the whole time," I assured him, knowing he was about to be acutely afraid.

"I know, thanks Si," he said gently. "Now go get Edward," he said and I nodded, stomach dropping. "And Si, I love you too," Bram said, smiling in love. I opened the door and Edward was there with a bag. Good. It hid whatever we were using. 

He moved over to Bram. "Hey Bram. So I'll be here too to help as much as I can. Alice and I will try and give you time estimates," he said. Bram nodded to him, going pale but not showing the anxiety in any other way. I ached for him. "I'd like to put you under for a few minutes while we administer the venom, if that's okay with you," Edward said politely. Bram looked at me and I nodded. 

"Yeah, that's probably for the best," he said lying down as comfortable as he could. The action made my heart twist. He was lying down on his pyre. I tried to keep the anguish off my face. 

"It's not like morphine that pins you down. Don't worry. We won't do that," he said patting his shoulder. Bram nodded. And I could tell he could no longer speak; he was tense in anticipation. I took his hand and held it in both of mine. 

I kneeled down next to the bed. "Bram, baby, this is the last call on this. You don't have to do this to be with me. I promise you it's okay to stay human," I said, kissing his hand, his elbow bent so I could hold his hand to my marble face. It was my final bid. Bram looked at me with puppy dog chocolate eyes, and I thought of that first time in his car. Our first kiss. The rain. My throat felt tight. I memorized exactly how his eyes looked. They soon would change. They were so beautiful.

"I do want to," he said, and there was no trace of hesitation in those eyes. I leaned forward and kissed him gently. Then pulled away and held his hand. "I love you," I told him, and he mouthed it back to me.

Edward held a mask over his face as Bram closed his eyes. He didn't tell him to count back, thankfully. Bram fell asleep. 

"Simon, if you don't want to see this, you can step out," Edward said, opening Bram's shirt. 

I wanted to, but wanted to stay more. I shook my head, and held his hand to my lips. Edward nodded and used small injections on the inside Bram's elbows. He lay there unphased. Then he did his neck. He took his pants off and gave him one in each leg. "The more in his system, the faster this goes. Bella was burning only 2 days," he said calmly, probing his chest for the spot above his heart. Then he gently lowered a needle, similar to an adrenaline needle, through his chest and pushed the plunger down. I cringed. "Simon, I didn't hurt him. He will be awake in a few minutes. His heart will act normally," he assured me, removing the needle. He picked up a different mask. 

"What's that?" I asked.

"What you know as laughing gas," Edward said giving it to him. 

"Will that reduce the pain?" I asked squeezing his hand. 

"No, but it reduces anxiety, let's people relax. It might be helpful, but we don't know," Edward said. I nodded. Bram started twitching. He knew he could begin to feel it. 

"I don't want to force him to stay asleep," I said anxiously, and I imagined being pinned down and gagged while burning.

"It's okay, he will wake up in about 5 minutes. Do you want to be alone with him?" He asked kindly. 

"Yes, thanks. I'll ask if I need," I said and smiled gratefully at him.

"Everything comes to an end. Remember that," Edward said kindly, then left, taking everything with him. I pulled a sheet over him so he didn't have to feel bad about being almost naked. I stroked his arm and Bram opened his eyes. I tried to say something but Bram couldn't really hear me or concentrate, it seemed. He thrashed weakly. I let him go. Then he started yelling, agonized sounds of pain. I tried to say something to him again, anything, and he just didn't respond. I sat helpless as he screamed and writhed. I cried dry vampire tears, and my breath hitched as I watched. I couldn't handle seeing him this way. The screams got worse and I tried to take his hand, but he wasn't holding still. I pitched my voice a little louder. 

"Bram I'm here. You're not alone. I'm so sorry, I love you. I'm here," I repeated, my voice rough from sobbing. I thought Bram may have heard me. His voice sounded more raw in time. I said sorry after every scream. Eventually the screams broke off; his voice gave out. He shook and moaned. 

"Bram, oh God... Bram, honey," I moaned, voice thick. He turned his head to look at me, and his eyes cracked open. 

"Simon," he moaned in recognition, peering at me through a haze of pain. I gasped in relief, and pulled myself up into the bed. I lay next to him, and pulled him gently into my arms.

"I'm here baby, I've got you," I said gently, kissing his hair, holding him close. 

"Simon?" He asked again, voice choked up. I kissed his mouth gently. 

"I'm here honey, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I moaned, and dabbed away tears that suddenly cut down Bram's face. 

"Make it stop," he begged, voice hitching as he kept crying. I felt like my heart had been removed with a spoon. I looked back helplessly, my eyes pricking again. "It hurts... It burns....no....Simon" he gasped. I cradled him and stroked his face. 

"I'm here honey, I know. I know," is all I could say back, my own voice catching with sobs. "I'm so sorry... So sorry. I love you sweetheart," I whispered, kissing his forehead. I held him as Bram cried himself out, and murmured comforting words to him quietly. I stroked his hair and arm and chest in a comforting rhythm, and dabbed the tears away. I wished I could trade places with him. I remembered, with terrible accuracy, what it felt like to burn. I played it in my own head, cringing. Not wanting Bram to experience it alone. The fire was so painful; every blistering tongue. Bram eventually lost lucidity as I did before, moaning and cringing; completely lost in the burning. There was a knock and Edward came in. Edward looked pained, reading the replay of the burning I was doing. 

"It's been hours, I thought you might like a break Simon, just a few minutes on your own. I'll watch over him," he said gently, coming closer. I held Bram tightly in my arms, completely wound around him. 

"I don't know," I moaned and wondered if Bram would get upset.

"I'll call you if he wants you. I promise," Edward said sitting in the chair. 

I looked at Bram and dabbed his clammy forehead before kissing it. "I'll be back honey. Right back. You aren't alone. Edward is here," I said quietly. I didn't know if he could hear me. I rested him back down. Bram didn't reply. I moved to the door feeling raw and mentally exhausted. Edward nodded to me, and I stepped out. Ness and Bella were there, and they looked anxious.

"Oh Simon," Ness said touching my cheek. Then they sat with me on the couch, sitting on either side. Ness hugged me while Bella held my hand. Jake sat in a close armchair looking concerned. 

"I'm so sorry Simon, I'm so sorry," Ness said, then kissed my shoulder. I nodded miserably, emotionally exhausted. Their thoughts were loving. Jake felt really bad. I picked up his compassion in his thoughts. 

"Thank you Jake," I said quietly. Jake didn't know for what, but nodded. He must have realized that it was probably a mind reading thing. My eyes pricked and burned again dryly. 

Alice came over. "I'm so sorry Simon," she said heavily. "There's good news, Bram is getting clearer. I can see him better," she said and I saw it in her mind. I nodded comforted, but still burdened. 

"I know we can't sleep," Bella said, squeezing my hand. "But I learned that disconnecting your mind and letting it zone out is the closest thing to it. I do it sometimes," she said, thinking about it. I regarded it mentally, then he tried it, leaning my head back on the couch. It was soothing, sinking into a stupor. I closed my eyes. They let me, and fell silent. She was right, it was the closest thing to sleeping. About an hour later I heard name. I roused myself and stood up. Bram said it.

"Thanks guys," I said, then returned to the room. 

"It's okay, Simon's right here. Like I told you. He's here," Edward said comfortingly. 

I got to the bed and reached for him as Bram reached for me, and clutched my arms. I quickly slid up next to him and cradled him to my chest. Edward quietly left the room. 

"I'm here baby, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I was away for a little while. I'm here," I said and kissed Bram's exhausted eyelids. I dabbed away his tears gently with the sheet. 

"Simon," he moaned. "I love you Simon," he whispered. 

"Oh honey, I love you so so much," I said and I felt my heart break. Then I buried my face in his sweet smelling hair. Bram held on to me, and I felt like I had everything in the world right there in my arms. 

I sang Elliot Smith to him gently. Bram relaxed only slightly, and still was .obviously in agony. "I love you Abraham Louis Greenfield.... blue," I said and stroked his chest. 

...

We were finally reaching the final hours of Bram's transformation, and I was itching for it to be over as soon as possible. It was really hard, that last half an hour, because it was the worst pain so far, and I had trouble being in the room with him. I knew the others were really upset by it as well. All I did was hug him close and repeat that I loved him because I didn't know what else to do. He was past the point of being able to cry anymore, because he basically left behind his human life. His skin was a beautiful pearly tan, his eyes, an orange sunrise, and his breath smelled so sweet. His scent was so unique, I couldn't describe it, but I knew I'd always want to smell it for as long as I was alive, and it turned out that that would be a very long time. For the first time in this whole process, I let myself be excited by the fact that I never had to live without Bram ever again, and Edward had told me that once vampires made a big decision, it was very difficult for them to ever change. We had decided to be in love, and it didn't seem like that would ever change. We had been on this path from the beginning of our vampire lives. Also, the very best news of all, was that no vampire government was going to come in and ruin our family or the future. It was interesting listening to Alice's visions for the past week about different vampires who had attempted coups to seize control of the open spot for vampire government. It seemed like the French were going to win, but then at the last minute the British took over, and it was like the British Monarchy all over again. I didn't mind, because apparently they seemed determined to leave most vampires alone, and they would only deal with situations of vampires making extreme spectacles of themselves, according to Alice. She was really attuned to them for some reason, probably because she was putting most of her efforts into seeing the future. She didn't foresee any issue with us at all, because no one knew who stopped the Volturi. It was a huge mystery, especially the part how we never claimed the government after we defeated them. We just disappeared into the night. The new British government didn't have vampires with gifts the way the Volturi had, so they didn't have any trackers anyway; not that they had any trail to follow. Everything had burned to the ground, and it made me feel a great delight that our family never had to live in fear again, as long as we kept our anonymity.

My poor Bram broke my heart, with his writhing and muffled screams. In the final few minutes, everyone had assembled, ready for newborn Bram. According to Edward, he still couldn't read his thoughts and I knew that I couldn't read them either. This was a great disability for us, because we couldn't tell how out-of-control he was going to be. Jake had insisted on keeping Ness and himself away until we were sure how safe he was, and I had to admit I was concerned, because the odds of Bella, myself, and Bram all having a peaceful transformation didn't really seem possible after what Edward told me about other vampires. 

When Bram finally had his final heartbeat, and a moment later opened his blood red eyes for the first time, I was eager for myself to be the first thing he saw. He did see me, but it was difficult to see him in his expression. It didn't seem like he had a strong sense of recognition. He was there, but he was new, and I knew in that moment, it would take some time for Bram and I to truly reunite. He flipped off the bed away from me and a snarl ripped from his throat. I knew he was acting as a true newborn vampire from the way that they had always described them to me. Edward yanked me back away from him and he and Jasper formed the front line in front of us. Alice could still see his future and she muttered that he wasn't an immediate danger, but that it was exceptionally important to get him to hunt before he became so. 

Jasper moved forward and Edward copied him and they slowly backed him out of the room, and out the door into the snow. I didn't know if I was supposed to follow, because I was the strongest newborn other than Bram, and they probably needed me. I reached out mentally to Edward and he communicated with me to continue with them, only I needed to stay behind them slightly. Alice came as well. Bella decided to hang back with Ness and Jake, who were farther away in the house with Tanya's family, which I thought was a good idea. She wasn't the strongest fighter and I didn't want anyone to be in danger.

Ness was possibly pregnant which was really exciting. A new baby in the family certainly would make things interesting. This was another likely reason Bella wanted to stay with her daughter. Jake seemed really peaceful with the idea of being a father, like it would make him very happy after so much suffering. I still couldn't believe what happened. While Bram was burning but wasn't lucid, and I was needing a little bit of distraction from his pain, Jake came to sit with me and decided to talk to me quietly about what happened to him. I knew why he had held back before though. It was too big to handle on his own, let alone share with many people. But I overheard his thoughts back at home, and it wasn't something I had tried to do on purpose. The images really haunted me. But, the truth was out there, and he wanted to talk to me instead of ignore it. He told me that the Volturi wanted to make a new generation of werewolves, and they did this instead of kidnapping his existing werewolf family, which he never would have permitted. Also, the Volturi made it perfectly clear that they would take it out on Ness if he didn't cooperate, and that he was required to have sex with half vampires, similar to her. Ultimately, his guilt of going through with this the worst kind of torture he experienced. He didn't go into details though, and I was grateful, because I didn't think I could handle any more images. That first accidental time was overwhelmingly disturbing. In fact, when we had that conversation, I decided to turn my mind-reading off. I didn't want to see anything. After he stopped talking, and had a grave expression in his eyes, I put my hand on his shoulder and told him that if he ever needed a friend, I would be there for him, and that I was sorry that he had to go through that. He was kind about it, but I could see in his face that the whole situation had really aged him. 

He didn't seem to have as much fight in him or as much happiness. He seemed muted overall, and it was so sad, because he had been so full of life when he used to play soccer with Bram or hung out with us at the cafe. I hoped that when Bram became a vampire and became an equal athletic opponent, he would play soccer with him again and maybe cheer him up. It was rough overall, and I never imagined he would make such a sacrifice for his family. I knew I would for Bram to save him; I would do anything for him. And this is why Jake agreed. Thank god we broke them out after only a week, because it could have gone on for so much longer and been so much worse, not to downplay the suffering that had taken place that week. He probably would have lost himself eventually. So all of us pretty much kept an eye out for him to make sure that he was managing his PTSD, and that he wouldn't sink into depression. Our family was very loving though, and I knew that with all of our help, Jake could possibly make a full recovery. But nothing was for certain, and this type of trauma affected you forever, no matter what. I was honored to be part of such a loving family. In fact, I didn't think I could have gotten through my transformation without their support. Who would have sat with me while I was burning? If I didn't have this family, would I have ever known what was happening? Would I have gone insane and attacked humans? Yes, if no one was there to stop me. This was what was so essential about bringing Bram out here into the unpopulated frozen north. We couldn't afford him being tempted by any form of human being; that's why Ness and Jake kept far away, although when I transformed, Jake smelled extremely unappealing. I wasn't worried about him so much. 

We moved Bram into the trees, and I hung back with a heavy feeling in my heart, like someone had disconnected my organs or punched the air out of my lungs, because it was so hard to see Bram, and not see him look at me with love like he had for two years. It was hard not hold his hand or hug him after such a terrible experience, but I knew that this was part of being a new vampire, and that this was the sacrifice we needed to make. The others assured me that this was not permanent, and eventually Bram and I would be happy again together. I just didn't know how long it would take, and that made me feel even worse, but no matter what, whether he was a little bit out of control or not, I would not leave his side. I hoped we could convince him to hunt animals. If his thirst was overwhelming, it seemed like he would feed on them, according to Edward, because he wouldn't be able to withstand the peak of his thirst. More than anyone, Jasper understood this, because he had worked with newborn vampires for many years. When he was younger, he had trained them and he had known their behaviors. He had even killed them when necessary, but everyone assured me that no one would harm Bram. Even if he decided to hunt humans, they would never take him away from me. It was a vampire's choice if they wanted to hunt humans or not. I knew that if I tried to convince him everyday of forever not to do it, he would listen. Even if he made a mistake, which I cringed at, I hoped that we could be strong enough to prevent this. No one was going to hurt Bram. If he acted violently, they would just hang back. I was relieved at this promise, and because it originally came from Carlisle, I knew it was a good promise. Everyone in this family knew that it was impossible to continue on without your mate; it was just too hard to exist. I wouldn't be able to live without him. I had decided this, although I didn't know what waited for us past this immortal life. Would there be a heaven or hell, or would we cease to exist? We could be soulless beings like Edward thought we were, even though it now seemed like he believed it less. It was possible that Bella convinced him otherwise. I didn't know what I thought. All I knew was that Bram was too good a person to go to hell, and it wasn't his fault what was happening right now; it was beyond his control and I would do everything I could to reach him again to help him regain his life.

In the woods, Edward and Jasper began to speak to him. They told him who they were, and even though he didn't straighten from his crouch, he seemed to focus on them slightly. They explained that the pain in his throat was thirst, and that he wouldn't have to wait much longer to feel the relief if he simply went with them to hunt. All he had to do was follow and realize that no one was going to hurt him, even though he had the instinct to defend himself. They even said that I was there, and that I was supporting him. He didn't look away from them to see me, but I didn't think it was possible for him to look away from them in that moment. He was like an animal, and he perceived them as a threat, no matter what they were saying. It could be that he didn't even hear what they were saying, because he was so overwhelmed. They gestured for him to follow and took off after the scent of nearby deer, however I realized that Jasper was hanging back to bring up the rear. I followed after him making sure I didn't get too close to Bram. I didn't want to risk hurting him or have him hurt me, because I knew later it would torment him if he found out he had hurt me. Bram eventually followed Edward, possibly because the instinct to follow was so strong. He moved so fast, and quickly caught up to Edward, running neck-and-neck with him. Edward was the fastest vampire, and now Bram was the strongest vampire, so it made up for the difference. They told me that he was stronger than Emmett and myself at this point. Eventually Edward slowed, and held up his hand, He breathed in significantly, and then he dropped into the same exact crouch next to Bram. He was probably trying to show him that they were part of the same team, or more accurately, coven. When Jasper caught up, he did the same. Bram seemed to understand that he was in this group, at least to some degree. I didn't join and hung back. I actually moved up into a tree to be a little ways away, but I was listening intently. Alice had finally caught up with us because she hung back to talk to Bella about Ness for a moment. She joined me in the tree, and focused on her visions. I eagerly turned on my gift to listen to her visions with her. It looked like Bram had decided to move forward and hunt with them, although it seemed like it could be a concerning situation when he defended his kill. He could get violent. Edward caught the vision as well, and was advised by it. Alice and myself did not appear in the vision, so it seemed like we should continue to hang back safely. Edward wasn't going to be injured either, in fact, he was going to be the voice of reason for Bram to listen to. I heard them spring forward and connect violently with the prey. I moved higher to watch. Bram naturally sunk his teeth into the biggest buck and sucked him dry within moments. However, he snarled in disgust when there wasn't enough blood for him, so Edward tossed another deer to him that he had already killed. He sucked that one dry as well. After two more, which seemed extreme to me, he was able to stop. He crouched on the ground still growling at the others for being too close to him when he hunted. It was so surreal, seeing him as such a cold lethal being. My Bram was so non-lethal, and completely harmless; a Hufflepuff to the end. Now this Bram was incongruous. Edward attempted to speak to him again. 

"Bram my brother, you are part of our family, and we would never hurt you. You don't have to defend yourself. Simon is here as well, and he is concerned." Perhaps for the first time, my name truly penetrated his mind. It was probably because thirst was less on his mind.

"Simon?" he repeated, testing out the word, and I could hear confusion but also a sense of recognition. My heart would have throbbed if it was still beating, because it was the first thing he said, and I heard his windchime, albeit, rough new voice for the first time. There was a swooping sensation in my stomach. 

"I'm Edward, this is Jasper and Alice is here as well, do you remember?" he asked. After a moment of silence Bram nodded. "Do you think of us as a threat?" he asked. Bram cocked his head to the side. 

"I don't know, nothing is clear," he said in his rough voice. 

"Do you remember that we don't kill humans?" he asked, pressing him. 

"Have I smelled a human yet?" Bram asked, not answering Edward. 

"No, and you will not for a while," Edward said. "This is because we cannot risk that you would kill anyone. You asked us to keep you safe from killing anyone. Simon does not kill anyone. None of us kill anyone," he said. 

"Kill.." he repeated, testing this word too.

"Yes, kill, because of the scent of blood. Imagine a scent much more potent than that of the deer," he said and Bram sprung forward, obviously overwhelmed by this imagination, and Jasper put up a hand to stop him. Bram skipped back and his snarl ripped up again. As animal-like as he was, he was also glorious. So lithe, graceful, and beautiful. I felt like my heart was in my throat. 

"We will prove that we are not a threat," Edward said and he sat down immediately. Jasper copied him and Bram stared at them for a few moments. He took several crawling steps back, and after a full five minutes, he straightened into a standing position, looking like a human being. Could it be that his thoughts were clearing? I listened to Jasper's thoughts. He was reading his emotions and he had registered that Bram had entered a sense of partial reason. Bram seemed to know that he was hunting animals, and part of him disliked this and didn't want to, although he was less aggressive, and struggling to accept this. 

"If we stand, will you attack us?" Edward asked. "Recall that we gave you our kills and we did not try to take yours," he continued. 

Bram considered and then said, "No, I will not attack. You don't threaten me." He stood back, and leaned against a tree. I took that to be a surrender of aggression. Edward stood and looked back at us in the tree. We decided to swing forward from tree to tree to get closer to them. It was fun to swing like Tarzan sometimes. Running, climbing, and all the other things we could do enthralled me. I wished that Bram and I could hold hands and go running, but that really didn't seem possible. He seemed less feral, though, and calmly listened to our approach. 

"That's Simon, remember Simon?" he asked. Bram looked at me, and seemed to take in my scent. Something about it seemed to please him, just the slightest, and I knew that we were still strong mates. I decided to say something, and looked to Alice for confirmation. She had a vision that it wasn't going to upset Bram. 

"Bram?" I called out from the woods and he stiffened. Then he seemed to cock his head, listening to the musical tone of my voice. Perhaps he was falling in love with me all over again. I wasn't sure. 

Bram looked over at me again, and his expression contorted in unhappiness. I dropped from the tree and stood a good distance from him. 

"Simon, am I sane?" he asked in a pained voice.

"I know it's really overwhelming at first, and it doesn't feel like you're you, and you're thinking about a million things. All the scents and all the sounds around you are dizzying. If you focus on one thing, you should be able to feel a little bit better. I know it took me a couple of days to get used to it, but yes. You are sane and and we're finally together again," I said, and my voice was contorted with emotion by the end. 

"I sound so strange and my eyesight is so clear. I've never seen anything so clear before," he said.

"I know, it was a relief not having to wear glasses anymore. I've never had eyesight like this," I said relaxing into what was becoming a conversation. 

Edward asked him if he wanted to go back to the house to see the other vampires. After deliberating, he agreed. He walked with them and I followed them out with Alice swinging through the trees behind us. Bram didn't walk with me, and something about that stung even though I knew I shouldn't be thinking like that. 

Back at the house he seemed to recognize most of us, except he didn't know the Denali clan and so they spent some time introducing each other. He nodded in understanding, but he was wound so tight, and he didn't smile. It made my heart twist, seeing how different he was. Edward looked at me calmly and he reminded me not to be worried about this in a kind mental tone. I nodded. 

After a while, they left him be to sit in silence with his thoughts. Jasper always stayed in the room with him, monitoring his emotions, and I read Jasper's mind. I understood that Bram was in a state of calm, however he was getting thirsty again and didn't understand it. 

I looked at Edward and asked him with a thought if I could approach him and he didn't quite know. Alice said that she had no vision of an issue when I asked her quietly, and so I moved a little closer and sat in a chair across from him. He didn't look at me. He stared out the window like he was listening intently to a radio station none of us could hear. And literally none of us could, because we couldn't read his mind. I looked at Edward and thought about how I'd like to be left alone, and he said that they would wait outside. Jasper waited right at the door. 

"Bram, honey?" I asked him gently and tentatively. He looked at me, and I couldn't tell what his expression was. "Honey, do you remember how we were a couple hours ago?" I asked him. He looked like he thought about it, and I could tell he was sifting through uncomfortable human memories. The memory of him burning was likely very fresh and strong and he cringed. Then his eyes looked like they were a little bit softer, possibly remembering me. 

"I love you," I said, taking a chance, and I felt like my throat was tight and hot. "For some strange reason, I wondered if you wouldn't be able to love me back, in this form," I said feeling anxious. 

"I love you," he replied to me, but it sounded slightly foreign. As if from underwater; not as clear. But he was trying. My baby was trying. 

"Do you want me to sit with you?" I asked him, and he looked uncomfortable and shook his head. 

"I'm not sure I'm completely under control," he said. I said okay and tried to hide my disappointment. He stared at me, and I felt like he was looking at me for the first time and perhaps memorizing me. I stared back blankly, overwhelmed by this beautiful, foreign creature. 

"Bram, you're so beautiful. Not that you weren't before, but can't believe how much I love you," I told him and it came out sounding a bit messed up. 

He smiled slightly and said, "Your hair is golden, so lovely." It wasn't a lot of words, but he was breaking through. It was going to be okay with us, I just needed to give him space which was only fair. He took care of me when I was changing into a new vampire. He gave me space when I needed it. Shouldn't I be able to return the same favor?

"Bram honey, do you want me to leave you alone right now?" I asked him, hoping he would say no. 

"I'm not sure, my thoughts are jumbled, and it's hard for me to focus on me and you," he said. "Also the thirst is really hard to balance, I might need to go hunting again," he said. I didn't think we were ready to hunt with each other though. It didn't feel safe enough if he could barely sit here with me. I nodded, got up, and turned to go. I hid my crumpled expression. I already felt so distant from him, and I longed to be in his arms again.

Everyone was waiting on the other side of the door like Edward had said, and I moved away to go sit at the opposite side of the room. I could feel that Edward was worried about me, and I brushed it off. At this point, I didn't want to talk to anyone; only Bram. I felt like this was the closest thing a vampire could be to depressed. Bram was alone with his thoughts all night, so I took out my iPod, put on Elliott Smith, and sat in the chair lifelessly. I didn't know what else to do, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone. Jake and Ness must have gone to another place where they could stay, because they still weren't back. I was grateful because I didn't need Bram to have more stress right now. 

I really wanted him, and it felt so terrible. My body wanted to be close to him; I could feel it like an electric current. I tried to shut it down, but it was difficult. It was difficult to be distracted as a vampire. Edward offered to play chess with me or some other game, but I shook my head. I didn't want to do anything at all except listen to my music and also listen to Bram's breaths in the other room. 

"What do you think he could possibly be thinking about?" I asked quietly. 

"Anything. His new future, the loss of his family, your relationship, what it means to be a vampire, how it feels to be a vampire, what the future will be like, maybe worrying about being safe from humans...he literally could be thinking about anything," he said and I nodded. I remembered some of this, but I always felt like I had a pretty firm grasp on my control, because I easily integrated myself back into the family, and I didn't have any standoffish moments like this. Edward read my thoughts, and he told me about how, when he was new, he struggled the same way, and it took him time to realize that he had other desires as well. He didn't tell me how long it took, and I felt like he did that for my benefit. I sighed and stared into the night, and decided to hunt with Edward. He nodded in agreement and followed me out, confident that Jasper had Bram under control. 

We flew through the night and his thoughts lingered on the recent confrontation with the Volturi, and how lucky we were. He was also slightly worried about Jake, and his emotional struggles. He wondered about how we could possibly help him, and I answered that, probably, the best way was to act as though things were normal, and try to help him stay occupied. 

Being a father will keep him busy he thought, smiling. He seemed very relaxed about it, probably because he was confident in Ness's ability to be a mother. Her own mother took to it so naturally, I expect it will be similar. I can't believe I'm going to be a grandfather. It's hard to imagine that frozen at age 17 forever, he said. 

He or she is even going to have a great-grandfather, I thought, thinking about Charlie and Carlisle. 

I really hope, and I haven't said this to Ness yet, but I hope that this child is human and also has the werewolf gene, so that Jake has another person in this family he can closely relate to. 

I thought about it, and thought, It probably wouldn't be a big deal if there were some vampire traits, like some sort of gift or the durability or the speed or the ability to think quickly. He thought about it, and hoped that the child could at least go out into the sun, but I didn't worry about that, because both his parents could. 

Edward wondered idly about the name they would give the baby, and about the sex it would be, and so did I. I wondered if they had a preference, but decided probably not. Most parents just wanted a healthy child. Then I thought about Bram and myself, and how we might want to adopt someday. 

Edward was eager to converse about that. He basically explained that Carlisle created and took in vampires who needed help. For example, Alice and Jasper weren't created by him, but they came to him because they didn't want to kill humans. Edward also thought about how Alice could look for similar people, because she had seen Jasper in visions before meeting him as someone in her future. She probably could see someone who needed help, and it would be a chance for us to adopt and have our own family. That intrigued me, and I wish I had asked Bram before he transformed how he felt about that. Bram was really loving, and I thought he could be an excellent father. It would be difficult taking in someone who still struggled with the need for human blood, but it would be excellent and rewarding to teach them the way of harmony with humans. It would probably feel very fulfilling. I thought about what jobs we could possibly have to support our child or children, and Edward told me that they had so much money, it didn't matter. Still, I wanted to have some sort of job that mattered. Edward thought about how him and Bram had once discussed cancer research, both being biology majors, and how they could easily set up a lab and begin their own research. I was sure that Bram would enjoy that. With their vampire minds, they were likely to discover something. I thought about acting and about the fact that I probably couldn't do it anymore, because I couldn't be out during the day. The thought was depressing, but Ness had once mentioned that she had a couple ideas for plays. It would be fun to collaborate and write plays with her. She had the ability to write the score, or even plays were musicals. I was better at plot and character development. Edward nodded approvingly as we came up on a deer herd. We each were able to hunt enough to quench our thirst. I thought about Bram again with a heavy sigh, and Edward really did sympathize with me, saying in mind that it would have been hard for him not be close to Bella if she was acting the same way. He stressed the importance of staying with my partner, of continuing to support him however I could. I completely agreed with him. He felt like Bram would soften to me as he spent more time drinking animal blood, because animal blood diluted our sense of ferocity and allowed us to form stronger bonds of love with family and with partners. At the rate he was drinking, it probably would begin to show in his behavior. We were going to run out of deer at the rate he was going. Edward chuckled. 

I'm sure he would enjoy mountain lions, he thought, and it piqued my interest. I'd like to experience that too, but I asked him if he thought it was a good idea for me to hunt with him yet. He seemed to deliberate, honestly, he felt like the only person who was truly safe hunting with him was Jasper at this point, because he seemed to connect with him. I agreed. Jasper's ability to control emotions was very helpful in this.

After hunting, we went back home. Unfortunately, I didn't feel much better about what was happening with me and Bram. It was like there was an ocean between us, and even though he was only a few rooms away, we were so far apart. I didn't go near him much because I didn't want him to know how unhappy I was. I was trying to be a good boyfriend and give him what he wanted, but honestly, it didn't even feel like we were really together at the moment, because normally we would say I love you everyday. We would touch everyday, and say goodmorning and goodnight. It bothered me that he didn't seek me out to tell me these things. He didn't message me either, but that would have felt weird from a few rooms away. I felt terribly guilty for feeling like we weren't dating at the moment. I just didn't know what I was supposed to do. There was too much free time, and no way to fill it other than sitting around, brooding, and sometimes hunting. Bella sat with me on the couch for a little while, not saying anything, which was comforting. She could be a presence without being a burden. There was no need to make small talk with her. We were watching some movie one day, and when we hit a commercial, she said something, but it wasn't uninteresting to me. She told me that Ness and Jake had decided to stay a couple towns away while we sorted things out, and that if/when Ness was pregnant, we would probably have to go back, or at least, they would probably have to go back home so Carlisle could be there for her. It made sense, certainly, and I knew that Edward would go back, which was unfortunate, because I liked to telecommunicate with him. 

"If Bram is further along in hunting and seems comfortable with us, we probably could all go home. It's going to take some time before she knows if she's pregnant," she said. I was hopeful, because I didn't know what was worse, going home with them and leaving Bram behind, or staying here with this new version of Bram that didn't seem to care that I was in the other room while they left. I sighed heavily. Bella lapsed back into comfortable silence.

I found that I preferred to go outside and not always to hunt, just to spend time in the trees, listening to Elliott Smith, and staring at birds as they made nests, wondering idly how many animals I could hear at any one given time with my incredible hearing. I relaxed and zoned out, trying to listen to the animals, and the sounds combined were deafening. I could also hear the snow falling. Snow always seemed to fall lightly around us up here. It never bothered me. The cold didn't mean anything to me as a vampire anymore, and I sort of enjoyed it. I liked to catch the different snowflakes in my hands, and they wouldn't melt. 

One day, after a week and a half of keeping my distance from Bram, other than short exchanges, I was lying in a pine tree counting the pinecones and pondering the simple life of a tree, when Jasper came out to talk to me. I found this to be odd because he almost never did communicate with me, but it was just his way. I didn't take it personally. 

Hey Simon he thought, and I dropped down from the pine tree, abandoning the counting. I just got back from a hunt with Bram and he asked if he could talk to you he thought, and I almost couldn't believe my ears. I struggled to keep my breathing under control. I had wondered if this moment was ever going to come; if I was going to be able to hold him in my arms again the way that I did two weeks ago when he was burning. Even though he was hurting during that time, I longed for moments like that again, because at least he wanted me more than anything at the time. I walked over to him and looked into his face and he seemed calm enough, not anxious about this idea. 

"So you think it's a good idea?" I asked him. 

"After this time has passed, I don't really see an issue with it, but if you feel uncomfortable for any reason or feel threatened, just say my name and I'll be there," he said and I realized he was letting me see Bram alone, which made me feel even more anxious. What if Bram was talking to me to tell me that he had decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. He had been so cold and I didn't know how to feel about this. I felt like my stomach had dropped, and I was actually colder than normal. Jasper looked into my face, taking in the roller coaster of my emotions. 

"Okay, we should go," I managed to croak, and I followed him into the house. After a moment of silence, I felt a more calming feeling spread through me. Jasper had let me experience his empathic abilities, and I muttered a thank you. No one was in the house and I had to wonder if they had cleared out because of this moment. I couldn't hear them around the house either, maybe they were off doing something. Jasper stayed in the living room and I proceeded to the room that Bram had pretty much been occupying; the same one he burned in. I took a deep breath at the doorway, taking in his scent through the door, and missed him more than ever in that moment. It was just too hard to be close and yet so distant. I knocked on the door and he said come in in his musical voice that still had a hint of how he used to sound. I almost felt like I couldn't walk in, it was too overpowering how much I loved his voice. And my anxiety over losing it was too high. 

Somehow I managed to do it, and stepped in the room. He was standing by the window and he was not in any form of crouched defensive position. He was standing perfectly upright, just like any of the rest of us, seeming perfectly at ease. He stared out the window then turned at human speed to look at me. He seemed to have fairly good control over his movements. His expression was unfathomable, but it certainly wasn't wild either. He was speculating as he looked at me. I felt like I was being x-rayed. I longed to hear his thoughts. 

"Hey Bram," I said, and had trouble clearing my throat. I coughed and tried to make my throat feel less tight. 

He smiled and said, "Hey," and I had no idea what to say after that. What exactly did you say to your boyfriend that you turned into a vampire and then didn't want to speak to you for almost two weeks? I was sure I didn't think I would ever know, so I just waited for him to talk. 

"I'm glad you decided to come," he said and I was confused by this. Didn't he know I was dying to be here? Maybe I should clarify that, of course, I always would want to be here. "Things have been so different," he said, and I felt like that was the most vague thing he could ever say. 

"Yeah, totally," I said lamely because I had no idea how to reply to things were really different. For the first time he looked unhappy, but not with me. It was his old expression when he felt guilty, and instantly, I felt really bad for my fresh attitude. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in a negative way. I'm just saying yes, it's very different for me as well," I said quickly, trying to save myself. He gazed at me lost in thought.

"It's been so different, that my mind hasn't been organized enough to understand what's been happening between us," he said. I was so relieved he had said between us and was not just talking about his own journey. 

He waited for me to talk and I didn't know what to say. I took the plunge. "Bram, I'm not sure what you want right now," I said, and I felt bad because it sounded like I didn't want to help him, when that was furthest from the truth.

"I know and I know we haven't been talking, and really it's felt like one extended moment for me, lost in my thoughts. I have to admit, I didn't even feel the days passing at some points until Jasper told me it's been almost two weeks. That scared me," he said. He was speaking clearly and collectively. He had seemed to recover from his previous state. 

"I remember the beginning when I was lost in thought for a long time too, because vampire minds just seemed to go on and on and on," I said, and felt like I sounded kind of dumb, so I stopped talking and looked at the floor.

I felt like we were in the middle of a breakup or a moment of restarting ourselves, and I couldn't tell which one it was. The idea of Bram ever breaking up with me was so difficult to stomach, I had no idea what I would do next if that was the case. I certainly couldn't stay here or with the Cullens if it happened, not if he was going to be here. How could I be around someone I loved so much who didn't want me anymore? I swallowed and I felt my eyes prick in that way they do when they want to cry but they can't. I took a breath to steady myself and unfortunately it didn't sound right either.

There was a movement of air and Bram was suddenly a lot closer to me. I stepped back, a bit shocked, because I wasn't aware if this was a dangerous move or not, but he seemed to be very cam. He looked into my face and I could see the guilt again. 

"What are you thinking right now?" he asked me, and his voice was a bit burdened as well although not as bad as mine. I tried to clear my throat and not sound like I had just been almost crying. 

"I was just wondering what were you were going to say next, and I was sort of worried that we may not go back to the way we used to be," I said, and I couldn't believe I admitted it, but it felt good to say it. At least now I was about to find out yes or no for sure. I didn't think I could handle any more suspense of wondering either way. My fate would be determined in a moment. 

For the first time in his new life, Bram reached his hand forward toward me, and I was distracted by how his smooth skin glowed in the dim light. Beautiful. He touched my face right below my eye where my skin had just been crunched up in pain. 

"My God, Simon I'm so sorry," he said, sounding almost like himself before the change. "I can't believe you had to worry on your own that we weren't going to be together again, I never dreamed you could imagine that, but I guess looking back on two weeks of silence, it does seem pretty cold, doesn't it?" He asked me gently. Even though my cold heart wasn't beating, I felt like it was almost restarted by his reaction to what I said, because it seemed like he thought that was an extreme idea, not a realistic one, but I didn't let myself hope yet. I still stared into his eyes. He could be apologizing for breaking up with me for all I knew.

"I suppose I was just worried that the drastic change you went through could have changed your mind about us," I said, pressing him for a more definitive answer and looking into his orange eyes; they weren't quite as red as before with all the animal blood he was drinking. His eyes crinkled in the way that mine just had, and he reached back to touch his own face, confused. I felt my heart twist, because he probably had no idea what that reaction meant. 

I reached forward to take his hand and he let me have it. His skin didn't feel cold to me the way that their skin had felt to me before. It actually felt almost warm, we were the same temperature now, and it was really relaxing. I threaded my fingers through his and then lowered our hands. He still looked upset and confused.

"I'm sorry Bram, but that's what it feels like to cry in this body. We can't shed tears anymore. I'm so sorry, I don't want you to cry," I added feeling terrible. "If you want, I could come back later and not hurt your feelings so much," I said, although I couldn't possibly imagine letting go of his hand right now. I felt like nothing could tear me away from him, unless he spoke the words I was worried about. 

"No Simon, I just feel so terrible because you had to be worried, and I want you to know that there is nothing that could happen that could change my mind about you, regardless of what I'm going through and what I need sometimes. It could be space every now and then but, I'm sure you understand that he," said raising an eyebrow and I nodded quickly. I felt my eyes pricking again from the relief of what he said. 

"Bram, I'm sorry I acted this way and I'm sorry that I haven't been more understanding. It just made me so nervous the way that things were, and I love you so much, and the idea of losing you..." I said and I felt the hitch in my throat again. No matter what form I was in, tears seemed to be part of my life consistently. 

He gasped and crushed me to him, and I had to admit, it took me by surprise. He was very very strong. In fact, it almost kind of hurt me a little bit, and I cringed. He dropped his hands looking horrified. I quickly comforted him, saying that it was only because he was so strong, and his expression relaxed. Maybe he was worried about me to not wanting to be with him in his new form, what a preposterous thought. He was literally the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life, especially at this point when we were both the new supermodels in the house. He held my face trying to be gentle, and then kissed me for the first time as a vampire, and I felt like the electricity from that touch could have powered the house. It was so strong and so sensitive. How different this kissing was from before? Maybe my heart wasn't strong enough to bear it in my previous form. I now had such a capacity to handle these emotions and also ride them in their glory. He was still being gentle, and it was probably a good idea, but I had almost no restraint, so of course, I started kissing him harder. He had no hope but to respond, and then it was very heated, even though we were both ice-cold. I felt his hands everywhere, in my hair, on my neck, on my shoulders, caressing up my back, and I had forgotten all these things, and yet, never experienced them before now. This was nothing like before, absolutely nothing. I couldn't believe what it felt like to be a vampire in love. I felt like I could shatter the walls with the strength of it. I felt his frame, how much of a statue it was. It felt like concrete, but yet he was still soft to my touch somehow. I felt like his touch melted through my skin straight to my bones. I felt such a quiver of desire I didn't think I could handle it, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to stop this or keep going? I had an idea of what would happen if we kept going, and I didn't know if that was really appropriate at this current time. 

Against my will, I pulled back and he let me go. "Would you like to stop? I don't want to push you too far," I breathed, and I felt like my heart would break from from saying this, because I didn't want to stop. Stopping was the last thing I could imagine doing in this moment. I had missed him so much, it felt like a year. 

He pulled my face back to his, ignoring my comment. He kissed me desperately, and I was relieved he wasn't stopping us. I felt him pull my shirt up to take it off, and I raised my arms to let him. I felt like my heart would explode from happiness at this gesture. I reached for his, and unbuttoned it with unerring skill, because vampires had incredible dexterity. I slipped it off him and it fell to the floor. We just held onto each other, feeling the skin of each other, and learning our new vampire selves. I didn't know what it would be like to have sex as a concrete statue. How could I possibly do that? I mean, sex felt like a soft human sort of activity because we could bend, be flexible, and move different ways, but it turned out it was possible. Maybe it was even easier to do these things as a vampire, because as soon as you had a thought of how you wanted to be, there was no pause in between. It just happened, like if you were sitting and wanted to stand up, you just did. You didn't wait for some sort of signal to be passed from the brain to the legs. He was touching my legs right now in a very serious and sensual way that made me want him so incredibly badly it was hard to bear. I gasped and he smiled, because he enjoyed making me make sex noises more than anything else. Well, almost anything else.

The first time we had any form of sex, including oral sex, was so incredible, because I never had gone that far with anyone or let anyone be so intimate with me. It felt like I was unlocking this whole new side of myself, and he was the only one who had the key. After a while of perfecting that, which we both had pretty much become gods at, and knew exactly how to make the other one have the best orgasm ever, we had started having full sex in college. Before we did I had to admit, the concept of this made me feel nervous, because it was harder to start having sex this way than with a girl, because girls have the right equipment for this sort of thing, and boys just didn't, even though they had sex anyway.

I hadn't mentioned this to Bram, because I didn't want to seem like a baby who didn't want to have sex with him, but we still hadn't had sex by Christmas, and it was starting to feel like a strain. I thought he was more confident than I was, but he felt my concern and held back. When we stayed up at the school for our White Christmas, we got a little hammered that night, and something about being slightly drunk, and full of Christmas spirit, sort of unlocked me. We made out that night, and I deliberately pushed things further, and I remembered him whispering to me, asking if I wanted it. I whispered back that I did. I didn't know how. He knew how to do it, it seemed. Maybe he had done extensive research. I certainly hadn't really, I only had watched gay porn, back before we were together. He didn't seem concerned at all, he had condoms and anything else we could have needed to make this as pain-free as possible. He asked me which way I wanted to do this and I felt my heart break into a sprint, and vulnerability choke me in that moment. I couldn't exactly answer him, and then he stopped for a few minutes and just lay down with me, and stroked my hair and kissed my jaw.

Eventually he broke the silence to ask me if I understood how much he loved me, and how he wasn't ever going to push me to do anything I was reluctant to do. I admitted that I wasn't reluctant, I just didn't know what to do. It was sort of like a barrier. I didn't know which way I wanted to start doing this. Who would be on top first or on bottom first or whatever else you called it. I wasn't exactly sure. It's not like I knew much about traditional sex with women either, which was the most unappealing idea I could ever think of.

He admitted that yes, he was more comfortable with the concept, and he didn't mind if I wanted to wait until I got more comfortable or he suggested he could take charge, if it made it easier for me. He didn't say it in such a way that made me feel like the bitch, or something, he said it in a comforting way like, would you like me to drive the car? You don't look so hot. In that moment, I decided it was probably best to hand over the keys. 

I told him I wouldn't mind if he took control of this, and he told me that if at any point I wasn't enjoying myself, or something went wrong, I needed to tell him, and hearing him say that stirred up my anxiety again. Then he kissed me until I forgot what my name was, and so it was fine after that. It was all so helpful, and turning me back on worked, because I was so interested in just doing it that I forgot to be afraid about it. He told me what I needed to do. I did it without feeling self-conscious at all. And it wasn't like we hadn't explored parts of this with each other before, because honestly, the best orgasms had to do with prostate-play, and I had never had trouble with that before. He was very good at it, and those orgasms were out of this world.

This kind of sex would elicit the same kind of orgasm, but with a higher risk of pain. I already knew that it basically would hurt, and it was fine with me. Even with normal sex that was normally the case, only not for the guy in that situation. He used some sort of product he had on me so it wouldn't be as painful for me, it felt sort of weird but also necessary. And then he sort of hugged me around my waist and gently inserted himself in me. I was shocked by the feel of it. It was a slow thing, so I had a chance to get used to it and yeah, it did not feel the best, but I was able to get used to it after 5 minutes of him just not moving. I appreciated him understanding. He reached forward and started stroking me as well, which was incredibly erotic, with both things happening at the same time, and asked me if I was fine, to which I said yes, even though it may not have been true, but I couldn't tell. He asked if he could do more and I also said yes automatically, and in a very gentle motion he started to have sex with me. I was surprised by the feeling of it. I hadn't felt pleasure yet, but I just took in what it was like. He realized that it wasn't exactly pleasurable for me yet, and so he moved in an effort to find my prostate, and that certainly changed the game. Then it became very good sex. The pain sort of faded away with the pleasure. And his constant stroking of my legs between my thighs was almost too much, it was difficult for me to hold on. I heard the familiar moan he made right before he orgasmed, and so, I knew I needed to catch up. I concentrated on the good feeling and reached for myself and within about a minute I was able to find an orgasm that was pure ecstasy. As soon as he heard me, he let go as well, and I felt a warm rush, even though he was careful to wear a condom. This was necessary for maximum comfort, at least for me. I was exhausted after the experience, and I had to admit that in about 5 minutes, I started feeling the pain again and so he quickly removed himself to spare me. Then I sort of toppled down on the bed and thought about how I had just had sex and that I was no longer a virgin. We both weren't anymore. He asked me if we could take a bath together, because it would be good for me, and I agreed. Most everyone was away for vacation in the dorms. Not many of us had stayed behind for Christmas, and so we were able to sneak into the stall that had the only bathtub in the men's showers. That was a different sensual experience in itself; very intimate even though no sex was involved. I liked sitting between his legs and feeling him wash me and whisper that he loved me in my ear. I snuggled against his bare chest and felt at home. 

A few days later, it came up that maybe I wanted to try having sex the other way, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that yet. It seemed like a very different kind of sex, instead of just letting him have sex with me. He didn't seem to think this was a problem though, and that I would be fine at it. He pointed out that I was nervous the first time as well, and that turned out okay... well better than okay. Before New Year's Eve, I decided to try it, even though I never communicated this to him. Our makeout session just seemed to progress to that point. Maybe he did know I had decided, even though I didn't say anything. I didn't want to do the same position as he did though, because I preferred seeing Brams face. It wasn't exactly my favorite position in which I imagined myself giving sex. I liked receiving sex that way. And so I lay back on the pillows, and encouraged him to sit on my lap, which I found to be very sexy. I made sure I did all the same prep as he did, because of course, this was Bram's first time too. I did everything he did to make sure I spared him pain. When I slid myself carefully into him, as he lowered himself down in my lap, he gasped in surprise, though it didn't seem like a negative gasp. It certainly was a positive one. I sat up and waited before doing anything else though, and kissed his ear as I let him become accustomed to feeling me inside him. After a few moments, I felt his body relax more. That was the point at which I decided I should do something different. I reached for his legs and held on, and then pushed inside him, without taking myself all the way out. I felt like he would probably feel a bit better that way. It felt so good for me. I had no idea how good it would feel. I almost came instantly, but I controlled myself. At first, I could tell I wasn't finding his prostate well, and so I made adjustments, until I felt myself find it, and heard it in his voice that I had. And then neither of us could last much longer after that. 

Just like that, I had my second major sexual experience. He said I was very good, and it was amusing how we tried to figure out who was better. Eventually we decided we both were gods at sex. I still preferred to start with oral sex most of the time and then wait 20 minutes to have intercourse. It was easier to last longer that way anyway. 

Once we started having sex though, it was difficult to stop. It felt like at one point it was almost every day, in which case we were burning a lot of calories. But eventually we settled into a routine that we both liked, leaving enough time for friends, work, school work, and love making. 

Reflecting upon my human experience with sex didn't slow me down in the present, because of my vampire mind. I also thought about my first experience with Bram as a vampire when he was still human. 

After I changed, it became very apparent to me that humans were fragile. Our full-on intercourse we had been doing before, could not possibly happen while Bram was a human. I couldn't imagine ever hurting him, and I knew that I was too strong to do this with him. I didn't know how Edward managed it with Bella, but in all honesty, a vagina was better equipment for sex anyway, so that could possibly have been why. But because I had heightened senses, I used these heightened senses to give Bram pleasure. 

After my transformation, when we could finally be close again, we were making out in our room. He pressed his warm soft body against me, I felt like I couldn't last one more second without having sex with him, but of course I couldn't. I kissed his throat and his chest and I moved myself down all the way to his happy trail, and he was begging me at that point. And I really did want to pleasure him even though sex wasn't possible. I told him that nothing he could ever do during sex could hurt me. Back when we were both humans, it took real work to be able to give a good blow job. You had to balance movement, jaw control, and coming up for air. Now I just had to be careful not to hurt him, not caring at all what happened to me. 

I lifted him up carefully by the stomach and the shoulder spun him around so he was on all fours. He found this to be very stimulating. I stroked his back and legs, feeling how warm and lovely he was, it was hard to believe that he eventually wanted to become a vampire, because he was so perfect. I slid his underwear off him and he moaned. I caressed his high inner thigh, and he shivered at the cold touch. 

I laid on my back, and slid underneath him. I positioned myself so he could reach my face if he pushed his hips forward. I breathed on him gently that almost put him over the edge. Carefully, I slid him into my mouth and he was so warm. He gasped and shivered from the full contact, but wasn't bothered by it.

"Oh my God, Simon, I can't believe this," he moaned. I let go of him and told him quietly that if he wanted, he could pretty much have sex with my face. It would be easy. I didn't need air anymore. I didn't exhaust. He grinned and I got him back to my mouth slowly and waited for him to try. He did so tentatively, but this was the sort of thing that choked your partner in a previous life. I patted his leg, indicating he could do much more. He tried again with more passion, meeting zero resistance. I stroked his legs gently, turning him on more and he finally let go and had sex with my face. I could tell it felt good for him, he was moaning in his significant way. At the point at which I felt like he was reaching his maximum build, I carefully slid my fingers into him and stroked his prostate, and that was almost too much. He gasped and then came into my mouth and I could tell it was one of his best orgasms ever. I held him up because his legs seemed weak afterward, and I slowly guided him out of me and lay him down. I kissed his thigh gently and then wound him into my arms. He felt so warm, I pressed him against my chest eagerly. 

"My God Simon that felt so incredibly good," he said, almost a moan. He whispered that he wanted to do the same for me, but I didn't think it was a good idea. I didn't know if me climaxing would result in venom or something, and that would be bad for him to have in his mouth, even though I desperately wanted it. He did settle for stroking me though, and that was a nice feeling, even if I couldn't get maximum pleasure. It didn't matter, this gentle love making with my human boyfriend warmed my cold dead heart. And I loved it when he slept in my arms. 

Right now, we weren't even having sex yet, but I felt like just touching was waking me up so much, it wouldn't take long. But then again, after that how long would it take to recover? One minute? Not even? Just start going again? It was hard to believe what would really be possible. 

I remembered talking to Jake that time about how vampires seemed to just have sex for hours on end, and the idea really enthralled me, because I couldn't think of anything better to do, than to lose myself in this man after our separation. He lifted me up unexpectedly and laid me down on the bed. He began kissing every part of me, moving steadily to my waistline. I wanted him to touch me so badly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I just moaned his name urgently, hoping he would understand. Obligingly he took off my clothes and began kissing me all over, but avoiding the one part that needed him the most, which was such a teasing thing to do. I groaned in protest. Then his smooth hands were on me, finally giving me what I wanted, and I couldn't even think. It was the most incredible pleasure I've ever felt in my life so far. Every nerve ending was on fire. His hands were like marble satin, so smooth and warm. It took all my vampire strength to hold back in that moment, but I almost didn't want to either. I whispered his name, so he knew about this problem and then he proceeded to slide me into his mouth. It felt warm to me, even though we were both ice cold. Five minutes later I couldn't hold on anymore, it felt so amazing. I had my first orgasm as a vampire, and it made my whole body seize with pleasure; nothing like a human orgasm. I didn't feel tired the way that normal sex makes people feel tired. I continued to kiss him afterward, touching him in return got me instantly back into the game, which was exciting to learn. I wasn't content to do the same thing that he did in the same way, and so I lifted him up to sit on my face, and he couldn't believe how much more daring we were; never trying anything too exotic before, but literally nothing could hurt us. He had sex with my mouth while my hand had sex with his butt, and that was enough to make him come very quickly as well.

Again, there was no pause. Eventually we were having actual intercourse, taking turns, and none of it seemed to be enough. He had the most beautiful body in the world and I had incredible eyesight. We fit together easily and painlessly. Never had I ever been so connected with him; mind, body, and soul. I never seemed to be close enough to him, and kept pulling myself closer. He pressed me to him and if it hurt me due to his vampire strength, I did not protest. I couldn't really remember if it did or not. I was too engaged in other activities. Everything we did felt good, even without complete prostate contact. Any amount of pressure felt almost orgasmic, and I lost count of how many times I reached climax that night. I didn't mind not knowing. 

So this was the vampire life; the real life. Hours later we were lying together on the bed, not exactly resting, and not exactly having talked much during the past few hours, but still wanting a moment just to enjoy the closeness. He asked me how we were supposed to stop when all he wanted was to just keep going. He said it was better than drinking blood and I agreed. How did I just stop having sex with Bram when I never had to? I supposed we had other obligations to our friends. It was also important for him to hunt as well, in order to get closer and closer to being able to go home. For the first time he frowned, and I felt bad. I told him I would stay out here with him no matter what, no matter how long it took, that he never would be separated from me again. And he smiled a grateful smile, and started kissing me again, effectively ending that conversation

When the light returned I felt buoyant. I had let my mind drift like what was suggested to me in a way that was almost similar to sleep. I explained it to Bram and he was doing it as well; that way we not only got to have sex but then we got to daydream about it as well. It was quite restful to let your mind wander similar to a daydream, or getting hypnotized. Eventually we had to find clothes and get dressed, though, which was not appealing to either of us. Then I remembered that the next night would be only a few hours away, and that was enough for us to start rifling through drawers. 

We emerged, hand-in-hand, which was difficult because it kept sending erotic electric pulses, and eventually we had to let go and settle for sitting next to each other on the couch. When no one was looking at us though, I pressed my knee up against his and he had trouble withstanding this. I wanted to suggest going back to our room for a quickie, when the others came to sit with us. 

They talked to us about how they wanted to invite Jake and Ness back, saying that Bram seemed ready to have them around. We assured him that Ness wasn't really like a human, and Jake certainly wasn't. Bram thought about it and I took his hand. I whispered to him that I knew he could do it; he could do anything. 

They returned to us that night, carefully moving into the house, and Jasper sat next to Bram, and I sat on the other side. We carefully watched his reaction. He had a slight reaction to the heartbeats. Ness had a subtle human flavor, but there was enough vampire smell to balance it out. Jake did not smell good to Bram, something he told him so, and Jake started laughing. Looking into Jake's face, he looked a lot more calm, less stressed than he had two weeks before. Perhaps the mini honeymoon away with Ness he had been having was all he needed. 

Bram relaxed, and we all sat on the couches grinning at each other, because it was a triumph. Jake and Ness looked at each other, and then she looked at her parents, and I cocked my head, and decided to read her thoughts. I grinned broadly after I did. Edward seemed to be holding his breath, and then they said that she threw up this morning with big smiles. Alice clapped her hands delightedly, and seemed really pleased. Bella smiled hugely, and hugged her daughter. I knew, from just knowledge in life, that throwing up was a sign of pregnancy. Everyone seemed very excited by the news. They were congratulated and hugged and I was still taken by Jake's deep happiness. It seemed like it might never have re-emerged, but he did it; he fought his demons. I felt pretty excited for them. Apparently, the time that had passed was the appropriate amount of time for a normal pregnancy, and so this was a good sign. Bella had gotten pregnant and had a baby within a month. They were happy this seemed much slower and natural. 

They decided they were going to head back and Bram and I were going to stay behind with Jasper and Alice for another week, just to be sure. Then we would most likely head back as well. Bram seemed pleased about this, because I thought he was getting sick of the same surroundings all the time, and the same deer. I admitted to myself that home was much more exciting, visually stimulating, and had better game. 

Around six, Bram and I couldn't stand it anymore. We snuck back to our room to resume our insane love making. We tried out new and interesting things that were shockingly erotic. It was a good thing vampires didn't have issues with friction. We were both so smooth. We both felt so soft to each other. Everything was pleasure, and I felt like I loved Bram from the depth of my soul. I could tell when he looked into my eyes, he felt the same. I remembered back to when he was burning, about how I mentioned marriage, and then thought to myself about which would be more appropriate; me proposing to him or him proposing to me? And I supposed it was just a race for who wanted to go first. There really was no perfect way. And then Bram pushed me up against the wall and started kissing the corner of my pelvis, and I lost my train of thought. 

The next day when Alice asked me if I could go hunting with her. As soon as we were safely away, she started jumping up and down and asked if I could plan the wedding. It hadn't taken much time, but I was already becoming attached to my new sister. I agreed that I would let her, and then felt a sad feeling in my stomach about how we couldn't invite people from our own lives. Then we talked about my friend Leah, and I thought that there might be a chance that maybe we could reveal ourselves to her. I told her that the wedding would depend on that timeline of trying to talk to Leah, and she agreed that that was fine, knowing that I couldn't tell my parents. This was really hard for me. Bram couldn't have his parents there either which really hurt as well. 

I thought about who would walk us down the aisle, and realized that I'd walk with Leah, my maid of honor, if she came, and Bram could go with any of them. I wondered who his closest friend was here? Edward or Jake maybe. Maybe both. Ness and Bella would be bridesmaids. And Alice. It did give me time to want to be engaged to him for a little while. Alice looked slightly annoyed, because as soon as I thought of Jake and Ness in the wedding, it sort of disappeared from her visions. Obviously, they would be involved though, and she knew that. I knew without them, she would still do a good job. I asked her about how I could get a ring. She told me that she would do some investigating, and order a few for me and I could choose. I thought that was a perfectly acceptable idea. 

I specified that I wanted platinum though, and some form of diamonds integrated. Of course you always wanted to give diamonds to your loved one. But Bram liked really simple things; I made sure to stress that and she nodded in agreement. 

I was shocked that the rings arrived in the mail only a handful of days later. She must have really been interested in doing this. Again went out to the woods and safely went to the top of a tree before we even unpacked them. They were all so beautiful, it was hard to pick. I knew the ones that I thought were beautiful, weren't necessarily the ones that Bram would think were beautiful. I managed to shut my thoughts off, because I didn't want to see Alice's vision and then lose the chance of choosing right now in the moment. I selected a plain one with diamonds along the edges, that sparkled in the dim light. It was a very beautiful deep gray platinum. She smiled. 

"That was the one you were meant to choose according to my visions," she said, and then she quickly directed her thoughts away because she didn't want me to see the proposal. I was glad, turning my mind reading back off again. I wanted to think of it on my own, and not be influenced by anything, even the future. 

I decided I wanted to propose at home when everyone was there, not when they were there in the moment, but just there to celebrate with us after. She told me that she was starting to arrange an engagement party, and I shook my head smiling, and dropped down to the ground, leaving the ring with her. Bram would be able to find it if I brought it with me on my person. I killed a deer just to keep up the pretense, so he could see my eyes burn bright gold.

Bram was doing the sleep-like daydreaming when I returned. I climbed willingly into his arms, rousing him. He stared into my eyes and smiled. His were a bright orange, almost yellow; pretty. That night we didn't have sex, just lay close, pressed together. I felt like that was just important for us to do, because we liked to talk all night also. I wanted to bring up the subject of Leah, but I also didn't want to reveal why I wanted to right now. So, I didn't, but I did wish he could give me advice on the matter. Was it for the best to try to talk to her? It might scare her to death, or it might mean that I could have my friend back again.


End file.
